17. Zach
ZACH
“You’ve been quiet this evening, Daddy.”
We’re cuddling on Nate’s huge sofa, letting dinner go down while we watch a movie. Not a bodyguard movie this time. A queer rom-com. It’s a Christmas one, because queer rom-coms are in short supply, but it’s sweet and fun, so I don’t care that it’s not the right season for it.
“Have I?” Nate asks.
“Yes. Is something wrong?”
“No. I got some unexpected news this afternoon, that’s all. I still haven’t figured out how to feel about it.”
I pause the TV and sit sideways on the sofa, legs crossed, stroking Nate’s arm. “Want to talk about it?”
He smiles and pecks me on the lips. “I’m the one who’s supposed to take care of you, sweet boy.”
“You seem sad. Let me help?”
He sighs. “I’m not. Not really. Just… Shocked.”
“Talk to me?”
“Kurt’s dad died recently.”
I suck in a breath.
“I’m not sure if I’m supposed to be happy, or sad, or even angry that he got to live so long after Kurt’s life was cut short.”
“Or maybe all of that?” I suggest.
“Huh.” He smiles thinly. “Maybe. I haven’t seen him since…
” He touches the scar by his eye. “He didn’t even go to Kurt’s funeral.
Didn’t even pay for it. A group of friends and I fundraised to cover the costs.
We did car washing and went around the neighborhood mowing every lawn we could.
That sort of thing. Our parents all chipped in, too, if they could.
It shouldn’t have been that way. His family should have loved him. They should have accepted him.”
I wrap my arms around him and hug him tight. I’m not sure what to say or what else to do.
He sniffs and returns my embrace. “Sorry. I’m fine, I promise. I need to process the news. Thank you, baby, but you really don’t have to worry about me.”
I don’t let go.
He kisses my hair. “I hope the help I give Halo House is enough to make amends for failing Kurt.”
“You didn’t fail him. You did everything you could.”
“Did I?” he asks wistfully. “I tried, at least.” He puts his hand over mine. “You know this thing between us… It’s more than an arrangement made through Halo House. It’s far, far more than I’ve ever had with any of the boys I’ve sponsored. You know that, don’t you?”
“I do now.”
He holds my face and kisses me tenderly. “It’s gone beyond wanting to help you, Zach. I… I care for you. Deeply.”
I press my lips to his.
He takes over, kissing me desperately. “I needed to make sure you know that.”
Then we’re kissing again, and I never want him to stop.
I end up on my back, him lying over me, his hands roving over my body.
I hold him tight, not wanting to let go.
He feels good to know he wants me, as I am.
But can I be enough for him? I don’t want to think about it right now, so I let myself relax and enjoy his tender touches.
For tonight, I know I’m his, and that’s all that matters.
I borrow Puck’s charger when Nate drops me off at Halo House the next morning, and then shower.
Nate still seemed sad this morning, so I cuddled and kissed him as much as I could.
During the drive here, I kept my hand on his thigh.
I almost asked him not to work today, but decided he knew what was best.
When I get back to my room, I check my phone and discover I have a missed call and a voicemail from my agent. I put her message on speaker while I dry my hair.
“Zach! You’ve been invited to audition for a leading role.
This is huge. We’re talking six figures as a base, plus performance bonuses.
This could be your big break. It’s not a done deal.
You still need to impress in the audition.
I know you’re taking some time out, but you do not want to let this chance slip through your fingers. Call me.”
I freeze and stare at my phone, quickly jabbing the correct number to save the message before the screen goes dark. The message plays through my head on repeat.
This is huge.
Six figures.
Performance bonuses.
Big break.
You do not want to let this chance slip through your fingers.
Call me.
My heart is hammering so loudly, I almost miss the knock on my door.
“Uh, come in.”
Puck opens the door. They’re wearing a light, loose-fitting jumper with long flared sleeves that completely cover their hands.
I have no idea how they can wear a jumper—even a thin one—when it’s so hot out.
I guess I didn’t grow up in this climate, though.
As usual, they’re hugging their teddy bear to their chest.
“I’m an idiot and forgot to charge my phone last night. Does yours have enough charge so I can steal my charger back for a bit?” They tilt their head. “Are you okay?”
“Uh, yes.”
“Hmm… You don’t look okay.”
I blink and force a smile. “No. I am. I just got a call from my agent. I… I should be excited.”
“But…?”
I shrug. “I dunno. I feel kind of numb.”
Puck sits on the floor near my feet and stares up at me. “Want to talk about it?”
I laugh softly.
“What?”
“I had an almost replica of this conversation with Nate last night. Only I was you.” I pinch my brows together. “Did that make sense?”
“Yes. Did he talk to you?”
This time, my smile is genuine. “Yes.”
“And did it help?”
“I think so, yes.”
“Then talking to me might help.” They grin, half-mooning their eyes.
“According to my agent, I’ve been offered a chance at auditioning for a leading role in a pretty major film. I don’t know more than that.”
“That sounds like a big deal.”
“It is. If the casting director has reached out to my agent, it means I’ve got a good chance of getting the role. As long as I don’t fuck up the audition.”
“But you’re not happy?”
“I… I should be, right? I think I am. It’s just… I’d pretty much convinced myself to give up acting.”
Puck blinks. “Why?”
“Because fame isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Even as a relative nobody, it got scary and overwhelming really fast.”
“But you have Nate now…”
I suck in a breath. “He can’t be with me every second of every day.”
“No, but he could assign a bodyguard to you.”
I gape at Puck. I hadn’t even realized they knew what Nate did for a living. “I can’t afford that.”
“I doubt you’d have to pay.”
I’m not sure what to say to that. That I’d want to pay? That playing and sleeping with Nate shouldn’t get me freebies? I keep my mouth shut.
“You should talk to Nate about it,” Puck says decisively.
“About a bodyguard?”
They laugh. “No! Well, yes, but I meant about the audition. I bet he’d encourage you to go for it.”
“Do you think I should?”
Puck nods emphatically. “I reckon the moment you’re in that audition room, you’ll remember why you love acting and forget all about quitting.”
I fiddle with the towel I was using to dry my hair. “I’m scared, Puck. Scared the next person who decides I belong to them will do more than… Than…”
“Than what?” they ask gently.
“Break into my home. Wait for me. Act like we’re a couple.” I suck in a breath. “Other than the cops and a therapist, Nate’s the only other person I’ve talked to about it.”
“Then I’m honored. But, seriously, it’s a good thing you could tell me.”
“It is?”
“Yes. It means you’re healing.”
“It does?”
They smile brightly. “Yup! Was it easier telling me than Nate?”
“Yes, actually.”
“See?”
“But I’m still scared.”
“Is that a bad thing?”
I stare at them. “It’s like a crushing weight.” I press my hand over my heart. “It’s like the fear is controlling me.”
“Then don’t let it.”
“You make it sound easy.”
Puck squeezes their teddy bear tighter. “It’s not,” they say in a small voice.
“You’ll probably have to remind yourself a hundred times a day not to let the fear win.
But, after a while, you’ll realize you don’t need to remind yourself as often, and, eventually, it will have been so long since you needed to, that you won’t remember the last time you did. ”
“How do you know?” I croak.
“I don’t, for sure. But I have to believe it’s possible and true.” Their blue eyes sparkle with unshed tears.
Oh, fuck… For me it’s fear. For Puck it must be the need to drink.
“You can do it,” they whisper. “I know you can. Call your agent. Do the audition. Make that role yours.”
“Thanks, Puck.”
They grin and shrug their shoulders in the sweetest way possible. “I didn’t do much, but you’re welcome. Charger?” They hold their jumper-covered hand out.
“Oh, right, yes.” I unplug it from the wall and drop it onto their palm. Then I grab Ted. “Thanks for lending him to me, but I’m good now.”
“You can keep him for a bit longer.”
I gaze at the forlorn teddy bear, unsure if I should accept Puck’s offer or not.
Do I need Ted? The first few days I was here, I cuddled him while I fell asleep.
But now I spend every night at Nate’s, and he makes me feel safer than a teddy bear ever could.
But Puck… Puck clings to their other bear constantly.
I’ve never seen them without it in their arms.
“I think you need him more,” I say.
“If you’re sure…”
“I am. Thanks.”
Puck takes Ted, cuddling him alongside the other bear. Then they bounce to their feet and open the door.
“Puck…”
They pause and stare at me, wide-eyed.
“Are you okay?”
They nod. “Hm-mm.”
“Really?”
They stare at the ceiling, blinking fiercely for a few seconds. “Yes.”
I’m not convinced. “You can talk to me if you need to.”
“I know.”
“It’s just… Talking to Nate, my therapist, and you has really helped me.
And I know you have a caregiver, but if you need to talk when he’s not around…
” I rub the back of my neck. I should probably stop talking.
“I’m sorry, I’m not good at this. I’m not like Nate.
I don’t know the right things to say. I’m worried about you.
You’re always smiling, but I know you’re not always happy. ”
“I don’t need to talk. I need—” Puck pinches their eyes shut and dips their chin onto Ted’s head. “Something I can’t have.” They blow out a long, slow breath. “I’m good. Everything’s good. It’s all good.”
“No, it’s not,” I say as gently as I can.
They open their eyes and stare at me. “But it will be,” they say in a determined voice, their eyes blazing with conviction. “So, please, drop it, okay?” They wave the charger, smiling brightly. “I’ll bring this back in an hour or so.”
“Puck—”
They slip out the door, closing it softly behind them.
Should I follow? No. Probably not. I’ve made the offer, but I know from experience that Puck has to want to take me up on it. Right now, they don’t. I hope they’re going to be okay. I hope they can win their fight.
I text Nate to let him know about the audition. A few seconds later, he calls me.
“Hi, Daddy.”
“Hi, sweet boy. An audition? That’s amazing! Are you going to go?”
“I think so, yes.”
“That’s great. I wasn’t sure you would.”
“Nor was I, but Puck talked some sense into me. Daddy… I really want this,” I whisper. “I didn’t think I did anymore. But I do. I don’t want to let one person stop me from following my dreams.”
“I’m glad.”
“I’m still scared.”
“I know, baby.”
“Maybe I always will be, but I can’t let that stop me. I can’t put my life on hold. Not anymore.”
“Let me know when and where the audition is, and I’ll make sure you’ve got an agent with you. If you want one.”
I take a deep breath. “Would you come with me?”
“As your CPO?”
“Yes…” I reply uncertainly.
“I’ll be there,” he promises.
“Thanks, Daddy. I’ll see you later?”
“I’ll come get you as soon as I’m done here. We could do something to celebrate.”
“There’s nothing to celebrate yet.”
“Are you kidding? You’ve been offered an audition! That’s worth celebrating. And we’ll celebrate again when you get the role.”