Chapter 23
HAYDEN
Iwalk into the arena wearing my game suit, trying to keep my head high and not allow myself to slump under everything that’s threatening to keep me down.
I should be buzzing. It’s our first exhibition game of the preseason, and we’re playing on our own ice.
The last time we took to the ice, we were playing in the Stanley Cup Final. Fuck, that was everything. Well, almost. Just like tonight, I didn’t have everyone I needed in the crowd.
Tonight, my parents are here. I’m fucking stoked they made the journey, but also…
“Fuck,” I grunt, dragging my hand down my face before shoving the door open and stepping inside the building.
Rylee might not have made it to many games in person since I signed with the Vipers. But if she wasn’t in the crowd, then I knew she was watching from home. It made a difference.
Her support always made a difference.
She’s still there. She’s still supporting you, a little voice says on repeat as I make my way toward where the rest of the guys will be getting dressed for warmup.
I’m not late, not quite, but something tells me that I might be the last in.
And the second I step into the dressing room, I discover I’m right.
“Hey, you alright, man?" Rett asks, squeezing my shoulder the moment I drop into my stall beside his.
“Yep, ready to get this show on the road.”
“Fuck, yeah,” Killer barks. “We’re going all the motherfucking way this year, boys.”
There’s an eruption of cheers as everyone in the room agrees, and it barely dies down when Coach and his assistants join us. My knees bounce nervously as he talks through tonight’s game plan before sending us out there to warm up.
My unease only gets worse once I’m fully dressed and walking down the tunnel toward the ice.
Despite the stands being mostly empty, I can still hear the small crowd that’s gathered. It’ll mostly be women, thanks to the viral videos out there of us stretching. Live porn, my sister had helpfully informed me when I caught her watching one day.
I just rolled my eyes, shook my head, and continued with what I was doing. Who am I to stop anyone from enjoying the sport we all love?
I look around, searching for a familiar face. Parker, Darcy, and Jared are by the bench, ready for whatever we might need before puck drop. Our rinkside reporter is there with his cameraman, along with Brooke and her intern, ready to catch footage of us doing our thing.
I keep searching, but the person I want to see isn’t here.
Disappointed, I look up and directly at the seats I know my parents will be sitting in.
The second I see them, all the air rushes from my lungs.
Mom is pale, her hair flatter and duller than I’ve ever seen it, her eyes dark. I tell myself it’s from the travel, but I know it’s bullshit. Dad has lost even more weight than the last time I saw him. He’s looking gaunt and ill, and it makes my stomach knot painfully tight.
But as hard as it is to look at them, its’s the seat beside Mom that really fucking hurts.
A giant lump crawls up my throat, and tears burn my eyes.
She’s gone. And she’ll never watch another game again.
“Hey, man, what’s—” Killer’s words cut off as he follows the direction of my gaze and finds my parents. “Ah, sweet, your folks made it.”
He lifts his free hand and waves at them.
They both wave back, but even lifting their hands to do so looks painful.
They shouldn’t have come. It’s too much.
I regret ever asking them.
I give them a wave and force a smile before turning and stepping onto the ice.
You have a job to do, Hayden. Focus on that.
Do it for them.
Do it for her.
As we warm up, the seats around us begin to fill, but every time I glance at my parents, her seat is still empty.
I didn’t reserve it for her like I usually would. It fucking pained me not to.
I could have paid for it still and kept it empty, but that could stop another fan from coming. Okay, so maybe not to an exhibition game; they’re not usually sellouts. But there will be plenty as we move through the season.
Our time is nearly up, and still, I’m scanning everywhere for the one face I want to see.
We haven’t talked since the night of the ball.
I really wanted to stay up and keep talking to her. Messaging her was also the first thing I wanted to do when I woke up the next morning. But I stopped myself.
She may have replied, but that doesn’t override the fact she didn’t accept my invitation to leave. And the fact that she didn’t mention it, other than that I didn’t need to apologize, tells me that she’s confident she made the right decision.
It hurts. I thought we had a moment in that elevator, but maybe the bullshit excuse I made about it being the enclosed space is true for her. Maybe she started regretting it the second the doors opened. Maybe I was the only one craving more.
A whistle blows, and everyone begins heading off the ice. With a heavy sigh, I go with them.
I’m almost at the locker room when I get a flash of dark curls from the other end of the hallway. My footsteps slow. I’m so desperate to get a better look at her. I watch as she shakes someone’s hand and then walks directly toward me.
“Evening, boys. All ready for tonight?” she asks, dragging her eyes from mine and looking at everyone.
“You know we’ve got this in the bag,” Killer says confidently.
She smirks, all too used to the guys’ egos.
“That’s what I like to hear,” she says, as those ahead of me file into the dressing room, ready for our final words from Coach.
Just before I turn toward the door, her eyes find mine again. My lips twitch, but as glad as I am to see her, I’m still struggling to get my head in the game. I’m not sure what she can see on my face, but her eyes narrow and her brows pinch.
Her lips part as if she’s going to say something, but I don’t get a chance to hear it because someone shoves me from behind, forcing me to move.
Everything is a blur as Coach confirms the starting lineup and gives us his pregame speech. But with each second that passes, my heart rate picks up, and the only thing I can focus on is that empty seat.
Will it be worse if I go out there and it’s still empty, or if someone is sitting in it?
“I’m sorry,” I mumble as I push from my stall. I don’t need to look back to know that all eyes are on me as I crash through the door and race down the hallway. I don’t know where I’m going, or what I’m doing, I just…I need…
I set my sights on a cleaning closet up ahead, and the second I’m in touching distance, I wrap my fingers around the handle, rip the door open, and step inside.
The overhead light flickers to life, and I slump against the wall, my hands on my knees, desperately trying to calm my breathing.
But it doesn’t work.
Nothing works.
It’s because she’s not here. She’s not at home watching.
How am I meant to do this without her?
The tears filling my eyes finally spill over, and a loud sob erupts.
Apparently, I don’t move enough, so the light dies, plunging me into darkness.
But it’s only for a few seconds, because one moment I’m drowning, and the next, the most incredible sight is before me.
“Hails?” I lift my hands and wipe my wet cheeks as she steps inside the closet, letting the door shut behind her.
“What’s going on?” she asks softly, her eyes searching mine.
“I-I can’t do it,” I confess quietly.
“What are you talking about?” She closes the space between us and takes my hands in hers, squeezing supportively. “I watched warmup. You were solid. You’ve got this.”
I close my eyes for a beat, letting her words and her confidence flow through me.
But as much as I might want to believe her, I can’t.
“My parents are out there.”
A smile appears.
“That’s great, Hayden. I bet they’re excited to see you play.”
I nod, the lump in my throat stopping me from saying anything else.
But it turns out, I don’t need to. Hailee already knows.
She releases one of my hands and presses her palm against my heart, or as close as she can when I’m in full equipment.
“She’s right here, Hayden. She’s with you. Always.”
My entire body trembles with grief. It’s so overwhelming, so debilitating.
“And she wants to watch you go out there and do what you love the most.”
I nod, keeping my eyes locked on Hailee’s.
“She’s so proud of you, Hayden. These last few weeks, you’ve been incredible. You’ve been showing up every day, doing your job, pushing yourself, proving yourself. It’s okay to break every now and then—”
“Not now, not when I need to be focused and—”
“It’s okay. Everyone in the dressing room will understand. Everyone in the crowd will, too. Losing someone is really fucking hard. Give yourself some grace. You deserve it.”
“I just…I want it to stop hurting,” I confess quietly.
Her own eyes glisten with tears, and I fucking hate that watching me struggle drags up painful memories for her too. She might not have dived into her past loss, but I see it. Hell, I fucking feel it.
“It’ll get easier. But it takes time. Right now, you’ve just got to keep going.”
“I don’t know how,” I whisper.
Her palms lift to my face. The warmth of her skin against mine makes my eyelids lower.
“By keeping going. By going out there and bringing the first W of the preseason.”
I nod gently before pulling my eyes open.
“You can do this, Hayden. I believe in you. The guys out there believe in you. Your parents believe in you. And most importantly, so does Rylee.”
Her words trail off to nothing as we stand there staring at each other. With her stretching up to keep her hands on me, there’s barely an inch between us.
“Hails,” I whisper as everything begins to settle inside me.
It’s her.
She did that.
My breathing comes easier, and everything gets lighter.
“I’m here, Hayden. You’re okay. You’re gonna get through this.”
I nod again, because with her here with me, I truly believe that I will.
“Okay?”
“Yeah. Hails, I—”
My words die as she stretches even more and presses her lips against mine.
I freeze, unable to process the sudden shift, but that’s not because it’s unwelcome. It’s the exact opposite, in fact.
Wrapping one arm around her, I pin her against me as our lips part, and our tongues meet.
Holy fuck.
I’m kissing Hailee Caldwell.
I’m really kissing Hailee fucking Caldwell.
Her arms wrap around my shoulders, and I utterly lose myself in her.
I’m not sure when it happens, but at some point, I spin us around, pressing her back against the wall, deepening the kiss.
The light goes out again with our limited movement, and it only heightens my need for this woman.
“Fuck, Hails,” I pant as I continue to keep my lips against hers, nowhere close to being ready to end it.
She blinks, her amber eyes dark and glittering with even more gold flecks than usual.
“Y-you need to get back out—”
Suddenly, light erupts around us. I wince as it burns my eyes, but that’s nothing compared to the voice that hits my ears.
“Well, well, well,” Rett sings. “What do we have here?”