31. Chapter Thirty-One
Chapter Thirty-One
Leah
T he pastry slips from my fingers, landing with a soft thud on the plate. Breath leaves me in a rush. "Outside?"
"Hey." Gabriel’s face stills, his eyes wide. "Deep breath for me, all right?"
"You said…you said it wasn’t safe. You said I wasn't allowed." My chest rattles, panic sticking to my skin, cold and slick.
This is the trap. The one I’ve been waiting for, the catch I knew was coming.
They’ve lulled me into thinking something else when it was a trap all along.
They’ll lead me outside and the minute I do one thing they don’t like, it’ll be the excuse they need to shove me back inside four walls. Another cage. No way out.
Or maybe if I don’t tell them no now, they’ll yank my nest away, like they did at Haven. They’ll take my warmth and softness. The security I tried to pretend was real because that’s the hold they have over me. The power to offer comfort and rip it away the second I make a single misstep.
I let simple comforts dull my senses. Let myself want , even for a moment.
I forgot how to stay sharp. Vigilant. Now I’m going to pay because I forgot myself.
There’s always a reckoning, and it’s here.
This is payback and the cost will be taken out on my flesh.
My breathing comes shallow, too fast. Each inhale snags on the next, jagged, scraping my throat raw.
Fingers close around my wrists, gentle at first then firmer as I thrash blindly. My muscles snap tight, trying to wrench free, but I’m drowning, sucked below the surface. Panic coils tighter and my lungs seize, scraping for air. The world swims in streaks of white-hot terror.
Strong arms band around me, locking me down. I choke on a cry. A low and steady vibration rolls through me, growing louder until it’s everywhere. Alpha purrs. Three at once, bodies pressed close, sound shaking the cage of my ribs.
My nose is smashed against skin, a burst of smoked sugary musk flooding my head, heavy and grounding. Something inside me claws for air until a voice, deep and dark, rumbles directly in my ear.
"Breathe, Sunshine. That’s it. In and out. Control it." Jax. His fingers slide through my hair, smoothing and combing, coaxing the panic back. "It’s all right," he keeps saying, voice an anchor dragging me to shore. "You’re safe. You’re safe, Leah."
I’m trembling, awareness seeping in. The world swims back, my vision clearing. I’m sprawled across Jax’s chest, his arms and Gabriel’s banded around my waist and shoulders, Ronan’s leg locked over mine, the warmth of their bodies a barricade.
The pastries are scattered across my throw rugs, the box upended. Coffee soaks through a cushion, a spreading stain. I’ve wrecked everything they’ve done for me.
Bad Omega .
Ruined Omega.
I’ve made a mess, upset the Alphas, ruined their food, their peace and their morning.
Lava-hot claws rip through my gut. My mind slams me back against the cinderblock walls of the facility, to the punishments waiting if I ever did something forbidden.
If I dared to fight back from the torture Wallace unleashed on my body.
He would call for Hugo and Lars to fetch me, to remind me of my place. They would snap a thick leather collar around my neck, so tight the buckle bit into my skin, then chain me to the shower wall, wrists bound behind my back.
Hugo always turned on the frigid water, drenching me in seconds.
Even now, phantom spikes of ice prickle across my skin as memory rises.
I would beg. Gods, how I begged, but it only made them laugh harder.
Their laughter echoed off the tiles as I tried to twist free of the spray, only to be pinned by a boot between my shoulders, grinding me into the tiles, my cheek scraping the cold, wet grit.
The water poured over my head, filled my mouth and nose.
The collar kept me tethered and helpless.
Their laughter circled me, mocking every desperate sound.
Sometimes I fought so hard my body just shut off, the world going distant, edges turning gray.
Before I slipped under, I would wish not to wake up.
But I always did.
Every time.
No matter how much I wished I wouldn’t.
The words tumble out. "I’m sorry. I’m sorry." My skin crawls with the knowledge of what’s going to come. I should have known better than to expect anything else. "What will you do? What is my punishment?"
I expect fists, not soft palms gliding over my body, someone thumbing the inside of my wrist, the brush of warm skin at my temple, another hand slow and steady at my lower back.
Their touch is everywhere. The nest pools with the warmth of their bodies.
Ronan’s pine, Gabriel’s bright citrus, Jax’s smoked gourmand close in, thick and grounding, dragging me back into my shivering body .
Gabriel lies next to me, his face crumpled. His smile is sad, gentle, gratitude and concern stitched across every line of his face when I’m able to focus. He exhales hard. "There you are."
Ronan glides a soft touch along my spine. I swallow the hard lump and turn my head from where it rests on Jax’s broad chest to look at him. His brows are knotted, a deep line between them. "Why would we punish you?"
I can’t stop the cold chill racing up my spine. Can’t stop the dread sinking through my stomach. "Because I..." I lick dry lips. "I…"
Trap. Everything is a trap.
The heat of Ronan’s thigh imprints mine when he shifts.
He threads his fingers through my hair. "You haven’t done anything wrong, Omega.
" His voice is so low it’s a growl, but there’s also a grave tenderness beneath it.
"There’s nothing you need to make up for.
No one you must answer to. We talked about your request to go outside.
It may have seemed small, but we were mistaken to refuse.
We made a mistake. We knew how much it meant to you and still said no. Can you forgive us?"
They made a mistake? Can I forgive them ?
The words fall through me without finding purchase. I want to trust what he’s saying. Gods, I want to, but my mind can't bridge the gap between wanting something and believing it's possible. My muscles twitch, torn between wanting to flee and wanting to burrow deeper against Jax’s chest.
Jax tips my chin, his thumb tracing the edges of my jaw.
"Sunshine, we’re so fucking sorry. Scent us.
Remember, trust your instincts." There’s no command in his voice, just soft invitation.
"Breathe us in. Tell me if you smell anger. Tell me if there’s anything here but us wanting you safe and happy. "
My nose bumps along his clavicle before I even mean to move.
Tender sweetness and warmth, salt and skin, the faintest brush of shampoo.
Clean. Pure. No sharpness. No rot. No flaring note of rage that always wafted from any of the Alphas sent to punish me.
Yet still, I have to check. "This is…not a trap? "
Gabriel slides his palm up my arm, as bright and alive citrus break around me. "We will never trap you. We only want to see you shine, Sweetheart. "
They keep purring, the vibration a lull beneath my skin, echoing through the nest. There’s no anger threaded in their touches, no threat anywhere in the press of their bodies, and yet I still can’t unknot my gut.
I look from one face to another, searching for the first crack, the first edge. "Why aren’t you angry? Why aren’t you…"
Ronan brushes his lips across my brow. "Messes can be cleaned. Food can be replaced. You can’t."
Jax keeps stroking my hair, his touch a slow tide. "We aren’t angry at you, Sunshine. We’re angry at what was done to you. At what you were made to believe. It was much more than anyone should endure. We don’t fault your mind for just trying to survive."
I’m trying to survive? Is this what survival is?
Because it’s terrible . Adrenaline seeps from my limbs and panic ebbs, leaving behind an aching hollowness.
I can breathe again, but at the same time my mind clears perhaps too much.
What Hardwick and Mercer and every single one of those Alphas did to me was abuse, but that doesn’t change the way my mind snaps and I whip from one reaction to the other. "Why am I like this?"
Silence gathers for a beat, before Ronan speaks.
"Knowing and healing are two different things. Your body was taught to survive, Kitten. Your nerves fire off alarms before you have a chance to talk yourself down. That’s not your fault.
It’s biology, pain and being hurt so fucking deeply it becomes a part of you. "
"You’re not ruining anything, Sunshine. You survived a place that twisted your instincts around until safety and comfort felt dangerous, and dangerous became your normal.
It takes time for your body to catch up with what you logically understand.
Sometimes it never does. Not all the way, but that doesn’t mean you’re broken.
Your reactions are normal, something any sane person would experience," Jax says.
Gabriel’s smile is sad and a part of my heart pangs to see its brightness dimmed.
" Your brain is protecting you the only way it knows how. It can't distinguish between past and present threats, so it responds to both the same way. You don’t have to explain or justify it. Trauma isn’t rational.
Your reaction isn’t out of proportion; it’s exactly what you needed to survive when you were alone. "
Ronan brushes my temple, his big palm keeping me steady. "Fear is a deep groove and healing has to be worn in, even if it feels like hell."