Chapter 22
chapter twenty-two
I end up changing into my swimsuit and layering my clothes over it before Nate and I head onto the island.
The ship is pulled up to a wooden dock. I feel better about being near the water, but I’m in no way comfortable with it, even now.
While we’re in line to leave the ship, Nate’s hand intertwines with mine.
It doesn’t completely erase the fears and haunting memory of falling into the ocean, but it helps.
“Would you jump into the water again if I fell?” I mutter as we move. I want to be casual about how I’m feeling, but my hand tightens around his. I know he’s aware of how nervous I am.
“Every time,” he replies easily.
We take it slow and stay away from other people. Thankfully, no one pushes me off the dock this time, and I make it to land unscathed. When the ground is solid underneath my feet, I let out a long breath of relief.
“Still wanna see the beach?” Nate asks.
“I think I saw something about a staircase that people tend to flock to. It’s historical or something. Can we see that first before we go to the water?”
“Of course.”
We wander the shops and find the staircase I mentioned, but it doesn’t take long to check out those and the adjacent waterfall before moving on to the next thing. Eventually, my fear from the dock has entirely faded and I’m willing to be near water again.
I’m already feeling overheated as we find public beach access and rent an umbrella. I can see why people are so gung-ho about getting in the water when the weather is so warm.
As I gaze out to an endless sky with picturesque blue water underneath it, I understand how this is relaxing for some people.
I still can’t deny the bubble of nervousness it gives me, though.
Falling off the dock set me back quite a bit.
I can still feel the salt stinging my eyes and burning my nose.
Nate is watching me closely, and I can tell he’s about to ask if I’m okay.
“I’m adjusting,” I say. “But I’ll be okay, I promise.”
“One mention of the safe word and we’ll go back to the boat.”
After one more deep inhale to steel myself, I say, “Let’s do this.”
We make it to where the edge of the water is. It’s calm today, but there’s a gentle push and pull of the water I’m not expecting. My throat closes up and I forget about anything else.
“Take your time.”
“I wanna get in there eventually.”
“If you just get your feet in, that’s a win. Don’t put so many expectations on yourself, berry.”
My life would be so much easier if I could shove all of my fears into a box to get over them. It would make life infinitely easier.
But my fear is here. It tells me this is dangerous, that I should run and hide.
The water rushes at us and I nearly topple over. Nate catches me.
“Still good?”
“Not good, but okay. Could you distract me again? ”
“Did I ever tell you that I think one of the teachers has a crush on me?”
“What? No, you didn’t.” My voice is high, and I’m not sure if it’s because of the water or if it’s because I want to go stake out the school he works at the second they reopen for the year.
Nate works with a lot of women who are our age.
Before I realized my own feelings for him, I always thought he would end up with someone from work.
“She’s been hinting at it for a while,” he says. “She’s always coming by the gym with some excuse and she wants me to do all of her heavy lifting. It’s flattering, really.”
“I bet it is.” I try to say it lightly, but it comes out all wrong. “Have you heard from her over the summer?”
“No, she’s not one for phones. She’s a face-to-face kind of gal.”
“Oh. Do you ... like that?”
“Sometimes, but you know there’s one big thing I didn’t mention about her.”
“She’s super hot?”
“She’s seventy, berry.”
“ Nate! ” I can’t help the guffaw that escapes me. “You had me thinking the worst!”
“The worst? Is a woman liking me the worst?”
“It ... could be.” My cheeks are turning red. I just know it. “Either way, you should’ve led with the fact that she’s a harmless old lady.”
“I don’t know about harmless. She’s persistent. I’m about to bring you in just to get her off my back.”
I raise an eyebrow. “You think I’d get her off your back?”
“Oh, yeah. You always do.”
I blink. Do I do that? I’ve never intentionally tried to, but I’ve always made sure his girlfriends know I’m his best friend.
They always disappeared after that.
Shit. That’s exactly what I’ve done .
“Earth to Maisie,” Nate says, waving a hand in front of my face.
“Wh-what?” I ask. The gears in my mind are still grinding. I should apologize for ... being close to him? I’m not sure what.
But I know I’ve been hiding from it. I don’t like thinking about Nate with other women. I never have. Up until this trip, I always explained it away. I would say that I didn’t want us to lose time together, or that who he was dating wasn’t right for him.
And those things were sometimes true. But now I know that I’ve always seen Nate as ... mine .
Even when he isn’t.
Fuck.
“You’re in the ocean,” he says.
Suddenly, my surroundings come rushing back. I’m waist-deep in water. Just like that.
“Oh.” I blink. “I guess I am.”
“Was my distraction that good?”
“You sent me right into my own head.” I’m not sure I’m fully out of it. “Do I really scare women away from you?”
“That was a joke. Don’t worry about it.”
“Do I?” I ask again.
He sighs. “It’s not a huge deal?—”
“Nate.” I say it urgently. “I never meant to.”
“And you don’t. Not really. But most of them want me to cut down on time with you and make more for them.” He shrugs. “It was never an option for me.”
I freeze. They wanted the same thing Rob did.
And Nate chose me .
“I—”
“Maisie,” he says. “You wanted to get in here and practice more. Why are we talking about my exes right now? You’re in the ocean. And you’re mostly okay.”
“Right. Sorry. ”
“I’ll know to distract you with another high schooler I caught smoking weed next time.”
I roll my eyes, but my lips tug upward. “Those stories are boring.”
“I guess I’ll have to hope for more interesting kids this year.” He pulls me a little bit deeper. “Are you ready for more practice?”
I groan, the smile slipping off of my face.
The ocean is both the same and different from the pool water, but I try to avoid anything getting in my eyes so it doesn’t sting.
Nate is as patient as he was yesterday, though it’s easier to focus on swimming and not him now that I know he doesn’t hate touching me.
Hours go by as I try to figure it out. I’m not a decent swimmer by any means, but as the late morning slips to the afternoon, I feel like I could save myself if I fell into the water.
“We have a little bit of time before we need to be back at the boat,” Nate says. “We could head back now or keep practicing.”
I consider the water for a second. I wouldn’t say I’m having fun, but I’m getting used to it. “Can we try floating again? I think I might be able to handle it.”
“Whatever you want,” he says. “Want me to help you?”
“Please,” I nearly beg. “I’m gonna hate this.”
He laughs, but shuffles closer. He has to remind me how to get into position with his hand steady at the small of my back.
When I try again, the panic of the water getting in my ears is back, but thankfully my face doesn’t go under. Nate’s hand hovers on my back and his fingers press into my spine gently.
I’m weightless and I can’t hear a thing. It’s terrifying, but I stay in place. The water is so different from the air in the way I move and in the way I float.
Nate’s hand feels like a thread keeping me grounded. I have no idea if I truly enjoy this, but I can tolerate it.
Eventually, I’m done with it. I try to sit up and nearly go under when Nate pulls me up .
“Well, that wasn’t elegant,” I mutter.
“You did so good,” he says. “Seriously, that was great.”
I feel like a wet rat. I probably look like one too. My hair is sticking to my forehead, and I have no idea how it’s laying. But Nate’s looking at me like I’m the universe. His smile is wide and I can feel his pride even though he isn’t saying it.
I feel proud too. I can’t believe I did that.
“I didn’t come out of it very well.” I’m out of my element as I try to move my hair from my face.
“Don’t worry about that. It’s just something you have to learn. But you did it. Even though you were scared.”
Fear has always been something that I’ve avoided. After all, I always thought it was telling me that I shouldn’t do something. But as time goes on, I’m starting to realize that I can do things while scared. And it’s good for me to do them too.
I nod and then look between the water and him. “I think it’s time.”
Nate pauses. “Time for what?”
“I’m gonna try to go under the water.”
Nate knows how big this is for me. Going under is the main thing I’m scared of. Falling off the dock had been miserable, but being stuck under the surface when I was a kid was even worse.
But I want to be brave, so I’m going to try it.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, as long as you’ll be right here.”
“I’ll always be right here.”
I take a shaky breath and prepare myself. Then I try to go under, only for my legs to lock up.
“Nope. I can’t.”
“Berry, I know it’s scary.” Nate has a hold on my hand. “But this is the first time you get to go under the water and be in control. And that’s huge.”
“And once I do that, I won’t be as scared anymore, right? ”
“Maybe. Or maybe it’s more of a process. But you’ll have done it. And that’s the goal.”
I wish I could guarantee that I’ll never be scared of the water again, but Nate’s right. I’ll probably always hate swimming.
But I can face this. I can at least learn how to deal with it.
This time, I force my legs to relax. And I go under.
It’s awful. Water is everywhere and salt makes my nostrils burn. I last all of five seconds before I’m back above the surface, sputtering as I try to get my hair off my face.
But when I finally feel like I can open my eyes, Nate is grinning at me.
“You did it.”
“I did it.”
“Was it fun?”
“Fuck no.” I rub my eyes. “Everything burns now. And my hair is so sticky. Can we be done? I might be done.”
“You didn’t even have to use the safe word,” he says with a laugh. “I’m proud of you.”
It only gets worse when I’m out of the ocean. Even though it’s the middle of summer, the air is still cold on my body, and the minimal fabric of my swimsuit is shoved into places where the sun doesn’t shine.
“I need to dry off,” I mutter the second we’re on shore. I do my best to make sure my hair and body aren’t dripping before I get under my umbrella. I only feel marginally better when my hair is no longer soaking wet.
We spend some time air-drying while Nate catches me up on all that I missed while I was stressed with wedding planning. Eventually, both of us tug our clothes on and get ready to leave the beach.
“This wasn’t so bad,” I say. “I can’t believe I’m saying that about a beach, of all things.”
“So, do you like the water now? ”
“That’s a stretch. But the vibe is nice.”
The sun is setting behind us, and I know we need to head back to the boat, but I’m happy to stay alone with him just a little longer.
We gather our things and get ready to leave after a few minutes of silence.
“We could walk along the beach for a little bit,” I offer.
“Who are you?”
“A changed woman. I just had to fall off the dock.”
He shakes his head. “Don’t remind me about that. I’m gonna have nightmares.”
“Well, you saved me. I like to think of it as the reason you got so ripped. I mean, damn , what are you eating to get this?” I jab a knuckle into his abs and he yelps.
“Hey! Don’t fondle.”
I raise an eyebrow. “That was a bit of an overreaction there. Don’t tell me you’re still?—”
“Shut up, berry. Shut up right now.”
“Ticklish.”
He knows what I’m about to do and he tears himself away from me. I get one swipe in and he lets out a guffaw so loud that people turn to look.
“You are ticklish.”
He puts his hands up as he backs away from me. “Now, hang on. I know you have some information that you could use against me?—”
“Come here,” I urge. “I just want a very nice and normal hug.”
Nate is still backing up. “But I think you’re the bigger person and can file this away.”
I get close enough that I can reach for him again. He yelps and runs.
“Wait!” I yell after him. “Come back! Don’t abandon me like my father did! ”
“Your father is a very nice man who would never leave you! You can’t guilt me like this!” he yells back.
“But I wanna test a theory!”
“I’m not your guinea pig!”
“What are friends for?”
“Friends don’t enjoy the other’s weaknesses!”
“Best friends do!”