Chapter 24
ETHAN
My gaze flicked from the overhead lights to the encroaching camera lens, nerves simmering through my system, begging me to up and leave immediately.
“Are you comfortable, Ethan? Do you need anything before we start?” Veronica asked, leaning forward in the chair directly across from me.
She looked sincere despite the tense environment. The television crew had created a simple setting for our one-on-one interview. The room was minimal, with two chairs and a side table for water. That was it.
I didn’t want a big show and dance. Just a platform where I could tell my story in the most transparent and straightforward way possible.
And as one of media’s leading journalists, there was no way Veronica was going to pass up the opportunity to interview Ethan Harris—especially at the height of his legal battle with his own mother.
Frankly, I didn’t care who was on the other side asking the questions, as long as they were in direct competition with the network that interviewed Audrey.
An assistant behind the scenes called out a two-minute countdown before we were live.
My hands clenched into fists on top of my thighs, in an effort to stay my trembling limbs.
I knew this was a gamble, addressing everything on such an open forum. But I wouldn’t be who I am if I didn’t settle this the way it started. The time had come to address my issues just as publicly as I had back then.
To bolster my confidence, my memory relayed valuable pieces of advice that left a lasting impression, from both Dad and Owen.
“There’s only so long you can blame your mother until you have to take responsibility for yourself… Tell the truth. Be vulnerable. If Alicia’s everything you say she is, fight for her, Ethan.”
And that’s what I intended to do—fight to the fucking last for my girl.
“She needs more from you. Alicia needs to know why you did what you did, and why you’ve acted the way you have.
Otherwise, what’s stopping this from repeating in the future?
When you get overwhelmed or when something becomes too much for you, what are you going to do to keep yourself from panicking and lashing out again? ”
Ever since I had lost Alicia, I had initiated a change for the better. Sure, I was in the preliminary stages and still had a long way to go, but she was at least owed an explanation and an honest apology.
“Ethan?” Veronica asked, pulling me back to the present. The chamber was silent, everyone waiting for my reply as I’d missed the cue—the cameras were rolling.
Showtime!
Readjusting my posture, I gathered my thoughts and settled my attention on the task before me. “I guess I’m a bit nervous. I don’t know where to start.”
“How about from the beginning?”
I inhaled a deep breath, then blew out slowly. “I was fourteen years old when I realised my mother didn’t love me…”
After relaying my volatile history with my mother, Veronica began her probing.
“Ethan, after hearing about Audrey and the influence she had on your life, a lot of people at home will be wondering… Why didn’t you just cut her off?”
“I wish the answer was that simple, but it’s so complex.
We don’t have enough time to break down all the ways my mother fucked with my head,” I said, tapping a finger to my temple.
“ But … with recent events, I’ve been trying.
It’s hard to explain, but with the help of my therapist, I’m starting to understand a lot more about myself. ”
Veronica gave a subtle nod, encouraging me to continue.
“When my mother deserted me, then continuously treated me like trash, it changed something in my psyche. I constantly searched for her validation, unintentionally giving her the key to my own self-worth. You know”—I gave a half-ass chuckle in self-deprecation—“when you feel you’ve been abandoned by your own mother, this maternal figure who is supposed to love and protect you no matter what, it leaves a gaping hole.
I unconsciously tried to fill that, knowing damn well she was never capable of being that person. ”
“And how did that influence other relationships in your life?” Veronica asked.
“Since childhood, I’ve held the deep-seated belief that people either leave, take advantage or betray me in some way. Thus, I developed dysfunctional behaviours to cope with these innate fears.”
Veronica’s eyes widened in sympathy. If she wasn’t someone who gained a paycheck catering to the masses, I probably would have believed her. “Can you describe these behaviours and how they would manifest?”
I shrugged. “Just the usual harmful bullshit. I actively pushed people away to avoid getting hurt. And I’ve always had difficulty with trust—to the point that I was hypervigilant and paranoid of others’ motives.
I would frequently hide my true feelings or withdraw from uncomfortable situations rather than communicate effectively.
But if I felt especially vulnerable or exposed, sometimes, that would manifest into anger. ”
“Would you say that these behaviours played a role in your romantic life as well?”
“Most definitely. I always rejected the idea of an intimate relationship. I didn’t want that type of connection—to give someone that much power over me. The mere thought was terrifying.”
“And what about now?”
“Now, I’d give anything to have that.”
Veronica gave a soft, teasing smile. “Would this drastic change have anything to do with that viral video?”
My spine straightened, giving all my focus to the most important part of the interview. “It has everything to do with that. My actions in that video served as the catalyst for me losing it all.”
“What do you mean by all ?”
“It means I lost the most important person in my life, Runaway Girl .”