9. Crystal
9
CRYSTAL
I don’t know who they think they are. I’m so sick of being treated like a little kid by these two annoying jerks. Everyone just wants to try and rule my life. If it’s not Mom and Dad, it’s Luca, with Ryder chiming in because he’s like a dog with a bone. I don’t know who gave him the keys to the kingdom, but he’s wearing that badge with pride.
Who the fuck does he think he is? Acting jealous and asking me a million questions that he truly expects me to answer. He didn’t seem to care in the year that I’ve not been in his life. The odd text here or there doesn’t constitute an actual friendship, no matter what he says. I told him I’d fallen in love with him… All he had to say was he didn’t know, and then excuses about not stirring shit up and me going back to school.
He’s the king of excuses, that much I know.
I couldn’t ask you to be with me, not with my lifestyle…
I mean, what is that supposed to mean? So he hasn’t slept with anyone in an entire year? I realize that as a prospect, he’s not supposed to have women coming and going from the club, it’s forbidden. But that doesn’t mean he can’t do stuff in his own time.
Then there’s Jimmy.
The anxiety rolling off me that Ryder and Jimmy will find out about one another is palpable. I really am in a fucking nightmare, one that I created. In my defense, I had no idea that Jimmy had MC ties in New Orleans, or that there would be even a slight chance he’d think about moving here. When he told me about the position with the Devils Ink MC, I knew it would be a bad idea. At least for me. But I love Jimmy. It wasn’t the same feeling as Ryder, but Ryder will always be my first love. He also didn’t exactly tell me he felt the same way about me when I’d confessed I was in love with him. He’d hesitated. I don’t know what he expects me to do with that. Fall over myself because now I’m finally in some kind of happy place, he can swoop in and take over? I should kick him in the nuts.
So I sit through dinner, trying to ignore the looks Ryder keeps giving me, while also trying to engage in conversation so Luca won’t get suspicious. It’s a miracle he hasn’t figured it out.
“Are you sure you don’t wanna come back to the suite?” Luca asks Ryder when we’re in the car.
“No thanks, bro, but I really should get home.”
Ryder sits in the back, saying jack shit, and somehow that infuriates me more.
“Fine, but call me tomorrow. We’ll do something. Have lunch, catch up, you can show me around.”
“I’d like that.” I smile. I love my brother. As annoying and nosy as he is, he means well. I love that about him, but he’s acting more like my dad than my brother. And right now, I don’t need any more pressure.
I give him a high five as he pulls up outside my apartment and I step outside. Ryder exits the back seat and I look up at him as we cross over.
“Goodnight, it was nice seeing you again,” I manage. What else is there to say?
“Oh, you’ll be seein’ more of me, Sugar. Don’t worry about that.”
I narrow my eyes. “Why does that sound like more of a threat than anything?”
“Not a threat, just a promise.”
“What if I don’t want your promises?”
The annoying smirk appears on his even more annoying face. Why is he being such a dick?
“You said you were in love with me.”
“ Was . Past tense. Now if you don’t mind…” I go to push past him but he blocks my way.
“When I’m convinced you’re actually happy, I might let you live your own life. Until then…”
“You’re an ass.” I shove him in the chest. “And you don’t get to tell me what to do.”
I flip him the bird — childish, I know. Then I wave to Luca as I pass by the front windscreen. Ryder can explain to my brother if he really wants. I’m past the point of caring, really.
I’m not even in my front door when my phone beeps.
Ryder
You’re cute when you’re mad
Me
Leave me alone!
Ryder
If you really mean that, then why do your cheeks flush and your breathing accelerates whenever I’m close by?
Me
Plotting ways to end you takes up valuable resources
Ryder
You wish
Me
You just can’t stay away
Ryder
We have history, not just gonna forget that bc you’re ‘not unhappy’
Seeing my words flung back at me — and in print — makes me falter for a second. He’s right, in a way. I couldn’t wholeheartedly say that I am happy. Happier? Maybe, but things with Jimmy have been tense. He drinks a lot, and sometimes he’s mean when he’s drunk. He’s never hit me or anything. Well, he’s grabbed me once or twice, but I was giving him lip.
I stop myself.
Am I justifying his bad behavior? He only gets mad when he’s jealous, or when he’s had too many drinks. The rest of the time he’s funny, sweet and charming. He’s just really busy right now with the club. There’s so much going on in the business — which I wasn’t lying about. It’s also why Jimmy is barely ever around. I also don’t like the clubhouse because some of the guys look at me weird. I wouldn’t feel safe without Jimmy there, so I only go when he’s around.
I’m also not a hundred percent sure the club is legit. Jimmy told me they were, but some of the guys in the MC are shady as fuck.
It nags at me that I ran into a biker's arms because of my pining for Ryder. Why couldn’t I have picked a less complicated dynamic?
I have a brain in my head, yet I don’t seem to use it very often when it comes to matters of the heart.
Me
Stop taking my words out of context. I’m happy see
Ryder
Like I said, when I really believe that, I’ll stop annoying you
Me
Who died and made you ruler?
Ryder
Since Luca asked me to look out for you, I guess it’s him
Me
Go away or I’ll change my number
Ryder
You don’t really mean that
I don’t. I really don’t. But I also want to slap him silly at the same time I want to kiss him. And I really shouldn’t be thinking about kissing him. I have a boyfriend.
Me
Test me and find out
I don’t wait for his reply. I peel off my clothes, hanging my nice blouse up before it can be wrinkled, and step into the shower. Damn asswipe. Who the heck is he to question me? Then I think about all the things I could’ve thrown back at him.
Like: Are you happy, Ryder? Or: Is all that matters to you your precious club and your dumb job? Okay, his job isn’t dumb, but he works eighty hours a week. The man is a machine, and despite the fact I’m annoyed with him, I still worry. He tells Luca this club is his family, the family he never had, and somehow that makes me feel sad. At one point, Luca and I were his family, too.
I’m so distracted by my thoughts that I shampoo my hair twice, then forget to condition. I’m a fucking mess, which is exactly what happens whenever me and Ryder get together. It’s a monumental disaster unless we’re in bed together.
I look at my phone. Not one single text from Jimmy. He knew I was going out with Luca. I watch TV for a while, unable to settle, but when my eyelids start closing, I turn the thing off and head to bed. It’s past one o’clock and Jimmy still isn’t?—
I hear the straight pipes. I frown. Jimmy shouldn’t be driving if he’s been at the club all night, so I peek through the window. My building only has five stories, and I’m on the second floor. Plus, you can hear straight pipes from five neighborhoods away. My eyes must be deceiving me, because it isn't Jimmy who’s idling at the curb right outside my building. It’s fucking Ryder.
My mouth opens as I watch him. He’s looking up at the window. Right at me.
How does he know where I live? Luca must have told him. Then again, I wouldn’t put it past Ryder to do some unnecessary stalking of his own. If it suited his interests.
A thrill runs through me, even though I should be mad.
Of all the nerve!
I dread to think what would happen if Jimmy were here and he heard that. He’d have a few things to say about it alright. I’m sure once I explain who Ryder is — leaving out the part where we slept together — he’d be okay with it. It’s not like I have anything to do with his MC, or any of the members. Jimmy may not see it that way, which is why I haven’t said anything. He knows I was pining for someone else when we met, but he made it his mission in life to make me smile again. I’ll never forget that.
Maybe that’s why I’ve stuck with him. He isn’t all bad.
Ryder revs the engine as I watch him, then he takes off like a bat out of Hell. I drop the curtain back in place. What was that? A show of alpha authority? Oooh, he knows where I live. Jerk.
I grab my phone, about to text him, then think better of it. That’s all he wants. A reaction. Well, he’s not getting one. He can go take a running jump.
If I let Ryder get under my skin, it’ll be the end of me. And my heart. And I’ve already been down that road once before.
A door slams and I wake up with a start. Jimmy.
I tap my phone on the side table. It’s after three. I groan, rolling over. I hear keys scatter on the hallway table, then heavy boots on the wood floors.
Please don’t be drunk. Please don’t be drunk.
“Crystal?” he yells. I can hear the slur in his voice.
I close my eyes, taking a deep breath. It’s best to pretend I’m asleep when he’s like this. An all-night poker game, drinking and God knows what else, can only spell trouble.
The door to our bedroom creaks open and he steps inside. I can smell the smoke and bourbon rolling off him and he hasn’t even moved closer.
“Crys? You awake?”
Clearly not, asshole.
I stir, only to make it believable. He often wakes me up, demanding sex, and I let him. It’s best to get it over with because when he’s really drunk, it doesn’t last long anyway. Sometimes I swear I can smell another woman on him, but it could be just my paranoid mind. I wouldn’t put it past any of those hos at the clubhouse.
“Baby?” The bed dips as he sits down. He caresses my face with one hand, then sighs.
Keep your eyes closed. Keep them closed…
“Need you.”
Jimmy is also an emotional drunk, and he’s had a shitty childhood, so sometimes it comes out when he’s not thinking straight.
I try to keep my breathing as slow and level as I can. I really don’t want to engage with him tonight. Not when my mind is right across town, where Ryder is.
He shakes me. “Crystal.”
I blink, yawning. “Huh?”
“I’m home.”
“Okay.” I close my eyes again. Then I feel the comforter peeling back. He kicks his boots off, and then I hear him shrug out of his cut, then his jeans.
If he crawls in behind me and goes to sleep, that would be the best scenario. We can talk tomorrow.
His hands slide around me when he gets into bed, then they move up my body. I tighten, not wanting him to know I’m basically flinching, but he reeks of alcohol.
“Tired,” I whisper.
“I’m not.” I feel his dick pressing into my ass and I suppress a groan. It’s not the groan of a woman who’s happy to see her boyfriend. Fucking Ryder. I blame him for putting the not-unhappy trope in my brain.
I screw my eyes closed when he peels my shorts down my legs, lines up and pushes inside me. No warning, no foreplay, nothing.
“ Jimmy ! Ow!” I cry, but his lips are on my neck.
“Just what you needed, isn’t it, babe?”
No.
What I need is for you to get off me. But I don’t say anything. It’ll be over soon.
I don’t know why, but tears begin to fall, and all I can think about is Ryder.
I picture Ryder.
He’d never just push his way in without making sure I was okay.
“Tell me,” he mutters against my skin. “Tell me you missed me.”
“I missed you,” I whisper.
“Don’t be an ungrateful little bitch. Open those legs for me.”
I do as he says, biting down on my bottom lip. I could shove him off, but it would only cause more arguments.
I don’t mean to be this way, really I don’t, but it’s a lie. I didn’t miss him. All I seem capable of doing is focusing on Ryder. Even now, as another man fucks me and whispers in my ear, all I can picture is Ryder’s face.
Was I wrong to come here with this man? Knowing that I would run into Ryder at some point? Maybe he’s right. I am an ungrateful little bitch. Maybe this is all I deserve. I’m playing two men at the same time, even if I didn’t intend on doing that. Unlike Jimmy, I would never, ever cheat on him.
“Fuck, you feel so good.”
I let out the breath I’ve been holding onto, and then he’s pulsing inside me.
It’s over.
I didn’t even fake it. I just lay there like a corpse.
“Love you, babe,” he grunts, pulling out of me.
I have no reason to cry. I knew how tonight would go down. It’s how it always goes down because his drinking has gotten worse since we moved here and he joined the Devils Ink.
Not for the first time, I wonder how I even got into this mess. I can’t blame Ryder. Just because I was heartbroken and mad at him is no excuse to turn it in his direction. I made all my decisions. I chose to love a man like Jimmy because I thought I could fix him. I thought I could be enough.
I think back to Ryder’s earlier words. Are you happy?
If I’m being completely honest with myself, I know I’m not. I’ve been living in this fantasy land with this bad boy biker who does shady things, and I look the other way.
He cheated on me once before, but he said he was sorry. I never thought I’d be the type of woman who would take back a man who did that. But he blamed the booze, and I went along with it because I’m a fucking idiot. I felt sorry for him. Deep down, I don’t think he’s a bad man; he just doesn’t know how to hold his liquor or communicate properly. Or fuck me right.
He pats my ass and rolls up from the bed, staggering to the bathroom as I pull my shorts back up. I’ll clean up when he’s done. I really don’t want to run into him while he’s doing whatever he’s doing in the bathroom.
I wipe my tears.
You’ve no reason to cry. You brought this on yourself. You didn’t have to move here with him.
My poor decision making aside, I really am a rookie when it comes to relationships. I don’t know shit. Jimmy is my first boyfriend, and here we are a year later, moved in together. I barely knew anything about him when we were dating. The club he was with then was no better, but he insisted he did nothing illegal. I’m starting to really rethink some of those conversations.
I don’t look at my phone. I don’t want to re-read my texts to Ryder. In fact, I’ll probably delete them in case Jimmy gets hold of it.
I also know that I was trying to hold my head up when Ryder questioned me. He’s always had me on this pedestal, one I’m not sure I entirely deserve, and a part of me wanted him to know that I’m not that girl anymore. I never was. Saying it in person, however, is a whole different ball game. I’m weak when it comes to Ryder, and he knows that. I didn’t expect his reaction to be quite so severe, and I definitely didn’t imagine he’d ever drive by here hours later, checking on me. Now he knows where I live, I know he’ll eventually find out about my secret, and maybe I want him to.
Even if it isn’t his mess to fix.
The man is unhinged, but it’s my kind of unhinged.
And that says a lot more about me than it does about him.