11. Crystal
11
CRYSTAL
“Stop, Ryder, please!” I catch his cut by the sleeve. “What are you going to do?”
“You know what I’m going to do. I’m going to end him.”
“He never hurt me.” Okay, I’m lying, but Ryder’s so angry that I’m scared of what he’ll do. I don’t want murder on my hands.
“If you could say that with any kind of conviction, I may even believe you,” he mutters. “But your eyes give you away. You never could lie to me.”
“He’s not always bad,” I blurt. “Only when he’s been drinking.”
“So that’s when he hurts you?”
“Not all the time.” The words are out before I can even stop them.
I see the fury in his stance; he has his fists clenched, the veins in his neck look like they’re going to pop. His face is a mask of rage. His usually pretty eyes are fierce, explosive, burning with anger. I’ve never seen him like this.
“Not all the time?” he repeats.
“I— I’m going to end things,” I say.
“Really? When?”
“Soon. I’ve made an exit plan.”
I balk. “An exit plan? Crystal Jane, have you heard yourself?”
“I’m not one of those women. I know what I’m doing.”
“What did he threaten you with? That he’d find you and hurt you no matter where you went?”
Okay, he’s not far off. Last week, things escalated with Jimmy. He did hit me. He’s slapped me before in anger, but never a closed fist. I’ve done a good job of covering the mark up on my cheek with makeup. He hurt me, then after it was over, he cried and told me he was sorry. He was just angry. I keep things from him, he said, and that’s why he lashes out. It’s my fault — even though I know it’s not me at all, it’s him. He’s a raging alcoholic, and I’m suspicious he’s started using again. He was candid when we got together about his struggle with coke, but he’s never used in the time we’ve been together. Now I’m starting to see why Ryder thinks I’m naive. I’ve never touched drugs in my life. I don’t even know what they look like.
“No, he didn’t?—”
“Right, but you love him so you’ll stick up for him no matter what he says, right?”
“That isn’t true! I don’t love him!”
He closes his eyes and seconds pass that drag on for what feels like hours. I’m shaking. I know I’m in too deep, but I thought I could handle it. I thought I could deal with it without getting anyone else involved. Jimmy’s volatile and scary mood swings have become increasingly worse over a short space of time, and here I am, still making excuses.
I am one of those women, but how did this happen? It’s like I have no control over my own thoughts or feelings. Jimmy ruled them all. He isolated me from everyone, and I willingly let him.
“I’m sorry.” He swallows hard. “I don’t mean to come in here and yell at you, but if you have a problem, you come to me. You can always come to me. We always said no matter what, we’d be there for one another. I’d never turn you away.”
I nod. I can’t form words and the tears are freely falling now. I’ve been living in a daydream thinking I could fix this man who can’t be fixed. What’s more? He doesn’t think he has a problem. He thinks hurting me and being sorry later is enough. But I can’t live like this. I just can’t.
“I was afraid you’d get involved,” I whisper. “When we moved here, he didn’t tell me about the Devils. I got an apartment, and he said he had accommodation with his job, so he would only stay on weekends. I thought that if things didn’t work out between us then at least he wasn’t technically living with me. But then soon after, the cracks started to show.”
“More like he’s been living the life of Riley over here, doin’ whatever the fuck he wants with whoever he wants, and you’d be none the wiser. He’s probably been moochin’ off you this entire time.”
“I swear to God, I thought he had a good job. He told me he had a warehouse with some of his friends where they were storing second hand goods for a store, but nothing about guns or drugs… And trafficking?” I plead. “I’d never get mixed up in any of that.”
“So you found out he was joinin’ the Devils and then what?”
I wring my hands, remembering the fight we had where he screamed in my face and terrified me. “I asked him if he’d planned this all along and he said yes. When I asked him why he lied, he told me that he knew I’d be reluctant to move if I knew about the MC. The Devils heard about it after being kicked out of his old club and offered him a place. I knew it was a lie, but he seemed happy about it. We’d been fighting a lot, so I guess I just let it slide.”
“Crystal.” Ryder shakes his head. “You could’ve come to me. No matter what I’m feelin’ right now, it’s only because he hurt you. I’d never be mad at you?—”
“But you were mad, at dinner,” I remind him. “I didn’t want you to be disappointed in me. And Luca? Let’s not even go there. He’d flip. I thought things might get better once Jimmy was working, but then he started to drink more and more, and started spending more time at the clubhouse?—”
“Have you been there?”
“Once or twice, he doesn’t really like me going because…”
I pique a brow. “Because?”
I sigh. “He says he has a hard time keeping some of the guys in line… he wouldn’t want to risk my safety…”
“Wow, so gallant of him.” Ryder rolls his eyes. “You think a piece of shit like him would give two fucks what happened to you once you were inside the clubhouse? They’re a different breed, not like my club. They don’t respect anyone — women are trash. He’d have no problem handin’ you over to any one of his buddies.”
I shudder. I never thought he’d do something like that, but then again, I never thought he’d hit me, either.
I take a breath. “I think… deep down… I think I was trying to replace you. When he showed interest and was sweet to me in the beginning, it healed my broken heart. I’m not saying it’s your fault. I wasn’t honest.” I cup one side of his face. “I wish I had been. I never wanted to burden you with being tied down. I wasn’t willing to open up?—”
“Because I rejected you the first time, right?”
I hated throwing that in his face, but I was grasping at straws.
“Maybe, but not just because of that. I didn’t want to ask you to wait. I was afraid my heart would break all over again, so it was better not to ask. Pretending we were just a one-night thing was easier, and I could get over it in time. But I couldn’t, Ryd. I… I love you and always have.”
“Y-you love me?” he stammers.
“Haven’t you always known that?”
He shakes his head. His face is earnest, his eyes softening and his jaw set tight. “It’s no secret I didn’t think I was good enough for you. I didn’t hide it, and I blew us off because I thought you could do better. A million times better, and you can. But to fall for a man like Rifle? Sugar, this isn't you. You don’t have to choose me over him, but for fuck’s sake, this has to end.”
I know he’s right. It’s nothing I don’t already know. I just didn’t want to ask for help.
I don’t know how to ask. And Ryder? Never. In his eyes, I’m this perfect little princess, even if I know I’ll never live up to that. Here he is telling me that he’s the one who isn’t worthy of me? How did this get so fucked up?
“It may come as a shock to you that I’m the one who thought you could do better. I’ve never thought I was above you just because my parents had money, or where I went to school, or the clothes on my back.” I know I sound hysterical, but I don’t care. “I’ve never felt like I fit in. I know, I know ; poor little rich girl with a privileged life, boo hoo. You’re the only one who was ever honest with me. The only one who always gave it to me right between the eyes.”
“And I will never stop doin’ that,” he promises. “Never. You can’t be his anymore, Crystal. As long as my heart is beatin’ in this chest, you won’t be in his arms. Do you hear me?”
I don’t know if it's his words, or his promise, but something inside me cracks. I never saw it before. I never saw just how much Ryder cared for me. But I see it all now. Every single thing he did? It was to protect me.
The pain etched on his face; the way his eyes glaze over and his brow furrows — he looks wretched. His grimace, and the way his gaze holds strong, is enough to tell me he will seek revenge, and he doesn’t even know the half of it. I’ve covered the bruises, and if he sees them now, I really do believe that he’ll follow through on his threat to kill Jimmy.
The idea that Ryder could get hurt, or go to jail, pains me. I don’t want him to do that. I just want to walk away quietly, without a fuss.
Jimmy already told me that he’ll go to the ends of the earth to find me if I ever left him, and when I first met him, I thought that was sweet. Sweet in a fucked-up kind of way because I had no real-life experience. I was naive.
“I never meant to lie to you,” I whisper. “But when I realized how deep in this I was, I thought I could hide it. I knew Jimmy would tire of me soon enough, and while the idea terrified me, I justified staying with him in my mind. He always had a way of bringing me back because of his next sob story. I had a good job, a nice apartment, and freedom. I defended him at dinner because I didn’t know how else to explain him without telling you who he was.”
“I don’t care about any of that. Just tell me you’ll never go back.”
I shake my head. “I won’t, Ryd.”
He presses a kiss to my forehead. “Good girl. I need you to go home now.”
“Wait… where are you going?” I stammer.
“You don’t have to ask me that. You know where.”
“Right now?”
“I need to talk to Cash, explain the situation.”
I bite my lip. “I don’t want anyone to get hurt. I just want him out of my life. I didn’t want you to step in and deal with any of this.”
He laughs without humor. “It’ll be my fuckin’ pleasure to deal with him, trust me.”
“Ryder, please,” I beg. “He’s strong. Their MC is strong, they have a bigger club than yours.”
“Our club is strong, too — we have connections.”
“Not like theirs.”
“Well, we have friends in low places, Sugar. Don’t worry about it.”
I feel sick to my stomach. I don’t want Ryder to do that, but I also know that because he’s now aware that Rifle wasn’t good to me, he will follow through on his threats no matter what I say.
“Let’s just talk about it first. I’ll go home and get changed, then I can meet you somewhere.”
“He won’t be there?”
I shake my head. “He’s never around during the day.”
He runs a hand through his hair. “I gotta talk to Cash. Can’t just go stormin’ into their clubhouse by myself.”
“Or at all?—”
“Crystal, this motherfucker put his hands on you!”
I know he wants me to admit it so he has even more of a cause to hurt him, but I can’t bring myself to say the words. “It was never that bad?—”
“I can’t fuckin’ believe I’m hearin’ this.” He steps back and I can see the tension rolling right off him. “Any hit, whether it be a slap or a punch, even a grab, it’s the same thing. He should never put his fuckin’ hands on you like that. I can’t even fathom what he’s done to you emotionally. This is why you were so skittish at dinner. Were you afraid he’d find out I was comin’?”
I had asked Jimmy to come out, but that was before I knew Ryder was coming. Knowing Jimmy wouldn’t be interested, it was a safe bet that nobody would find out. “No, that wasn’t it, I was confused. I blanked out most of the bad things, blaming his addiction,” I say, my head hanging. “I used a lot of excuses and still do. I sometimes refuse to believe that all people are bad. He had a shitty upbringing?—”
“So did I and you don’t see me goin’ around hurtin’ women just because I’m bigger than them.” He pinches the bridge of his nose. “I’ll go talk to Cash, then I’ll come get you in an hour. Pack a bag. You’ll be safe at the clubhouse until this is sorted out.”
I don’t want to think about what sorted out means. “I have to leave my own apartment?”
“Until we can find him and then change your locks, yes.”
I know my apartment isn’t safe until Jimmy is gone, and if I know anything about him at all, he’ll kill me for even talking to Ryder.
I bite my lip. “Okay.” Even though I know it’s the right thing, I still tremble.
“Good.”
My heart races as I try to determine what’s going through his head. He’s only going to talk to Cash. An hour isn’t enough time for him to storm the Devils’ clubhouse. It’ll give me time to talk him down. Starting a war over woman drama won’t serve anyone. I meant what I said: I just want to walk away quietly and get back on with my life.
He gives me one long last look and presses a chaste kiss to my lips. “One hour.”
I nod. “I’ll be waiting.”
I watch him retreat, leaving the same way he came in. I lean back on the desk and take a breath. I want out, I really do. But I also don’t want Ryder to suffer because of me. I’ve done enough damage.
Packing up my things, I turn off the lights and lock the classroom door. I love my job. For the first time since I moved to New Orleans, I’ve had a sense of purpose. One that I’ve never really had before.
I think I’m still in shock as I unlock my car and slide into the driver's seat. I take a deep breath, steeling myself to get through this next hour. If I can get through this, I can get through anything.
My phone chimes with a text as I start the engine. I pick it up and see Jimmy’s name.
Wanting to make sure he’s not changed his plans, I read the text.
Jimmy
Miss me?
I swallow hard, bile rising in my throat as I type back. I have to. He’s seen that I’ve read the text.
Me
Always. See you tonight?
Jimmy
Sure will. Got a surprise for you
Lucky for me, I won’t be there.
Me
I’ll make your favorite for dinner
Jimmy
That’s my girl
No, Jimmy. I’m not your girl. I never was, and I never will be again.
I vow to myself then and there: I won’t ever stick my head in the sand again. I won’t ever let someone treat me like that. I’ll never let a man put his hands on me unless it’s with complete love and adoration. Jimmy didn’t deserve me and I’ve made excuses for his behavior, and isolated myself from my friends and family. I thought he loved me.
I wipe the tears away. I don’t think deep down he’s a terrible person, but he does need help. I’m just not going to be the one to do it for him. Not anymore.
I pack fast. I don’t want to be here. Even though he’s out for the rest of the day, I don’t want to risk it. I feel hot and clammy, shoving things into a hold-all without even seeing what I’m grabbing. I don’t care anymore.
Ryder will be here soon, and I’ll tell Jimmy over the phone. He might trash my apartment — hell, he might burn the place down — but he won’t be able to hurt me anymore.
I want that sense of relief, even though I know I won’t find it until he’s really out of my life. But it’s an hour. I can do this for an hour.
I cram a small stash of makeup in a smaller bag, then pack my hair tongs and styling products, lotion, stuff out of the shower, my razor and toothbrush.
You’re going to be okay. I tell myself. Everything is going to be okay.
Even if I never meant to get Ryder involved, or have Jimmy know about Ryder, this had to come to a head at some point. If I’d have been able to shake off Jimmy’s advances in the first place, and not been so attracted to his MC cut, things could’ve turned out a lot differently for me.
“Going somewhere?” Jimmy’s voice startles me, making me jump.
Shock hits me from all sides. What the fuck is he doing here?
I spin around, plastering a fake smile on my face. “Honey, you’re home early.”
“Looks like it.”
I almost choke when I say, “I missed you.”
He stares at me for several seconds as my heart beats rapidly in my chest. “Who were you talkin’ to at the school?”
Oh, shit. He knows. He fucking knows.
“Why? Did you follow me?”
“Been actin’ weird these last few days. Imagine my surprise when I followed you and some asshole shows up from the NOLA Rebels MC.” His face is snarling, a lot like a rabid dog, his eyes focused on me like laser beams. “Who the fuck is he?”
“He’s an old friend.” There is no point in lying about it now. He knows. “He showed up out of the blue. I had no idea he even knew where I worked. I managed to get rid of him. But like I said, he’s just a friend.”
He sneers, the energy between us changing. It feels… cold. Wrong. A shiver runs up my spine.
Ryder. Ryder, where are you?
“A friend you never told me about.”
“I didn’t want you to worry. He means nothing to me.”
He backhands me suddenly. Caught off guard, I stumble backward. The sting is sharp. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this mad. His eyes are furious, rage emanating from every fiber of his being. “You fuckin’ him behind my back, you stupid bitch?”
“No.” I hold my face to my cheek, tears leaking out of my eyes. “I love you, Jimmy. Only you! You know this, baby. I don’t know why he’s here, or why he’s doing this. I don’t want him. I want you!”
He moves even closer until the back of my thighs hit the bed. Terror ripples through me and I’ve never felt so cold before.
“You love me, huh?”
Ryder will be here. He’ll come for me.
“Don’t be mad,” I plead. “I told him that you’re the man I love. That it’s only ever been you?—”
“You know what? You’re right about one thing,” he sneers. “There will only ever be me.”
He moves fast and I shriek, my hands covering my face as the blows come thick and fast. I fall backward, and then everything goes black.