20. Ryder
20
RYDER
I stare up at the house I used to live in and several emotions hit me all at once: nostalgia, sadness, and just a little bit of anger. This place held nothing for me. No good memories. No joy. Never any happiness. Being here just feels like a complete waste of time.
I don’t want to set foot in this place. My mom lived the last few years here alone, but she has nothing of value I’d ever want to paw through. I’ve hired professional cleaners to come in and get rid of everything. Mom didn’t own the house, so it has to be vacant by the end of the month. They’ll do their thing, and I won’t have to look at the place she took her last breath.
Crystal’s hand moves in circles on my back. I feel nothing. I know she probably thinks I’m going to fall apart coming back here, but all I feel is numbness. There is nothing for me here, there never was.
“Ryd?” Crystal’s voice is soft. “Are you okay?”
I nod. “I’m fine. Need to get this show on the road.” And that means going down to the morgue and sorting out the paperwork at the funeral house. Then my mom’s body can be released and cremated as per her wishes.
“Take your time, there is no hurry.”
I turn to my wife. It was a good move bringing her with me. I wouldn’t want anyone here but her. Bronco said he’d tag along for moral support, but I told him to put his services to better use and watch our kid instead.
“It’ll take a couple of weeks for the will to be finalized,” I say. “Then we can set up a trust fund for Ade, and maybe donate some of it to the shelter.”
She stares at me. “Ryd, that’s a great idea.”
The shelter took us in when we were down and out when my dad left us. We were there for a couple of weeks. They helped out with food, clothing, a place to stay until Mom was able to get a rental, and covered schooling. I’m sure they’d be open to receiving since they were fundraising recently.
There’s a lump in my throat when I say, “Without them, we would’ve been on the street.” I close my eyes, remembering those awful times. We had nothing. Added to that, the debt collectors on my mom’s doorstep wiped out what little we did have.
My mom may have been neglectful and looked the other way, but my dad was the real coward.
“They did a great thing. It’s what community is all about,” Crystal says.
“We could also help Amara’s place,” I say, remembering Bella, Priest’s ol’ lady, set up a studio a few years back that offers yoga, creative writing, art, pottery, classes and pop up shops for local artists and creatives. All of the profits go to helping women and children at the local parish through Father Dan; their good friend who was instrumental in getting Priest back on his feet when he was down and out.
“She’d be very grateful,” Crystal says. “I know they’re always coming up with ways to fundraise, and to keep the Soup Kitchen going downtown.” That’s another project the club are heavily involved in, and where Bella and Priest first met.
I scratch my chin. “Yeah. I think that’s definitely something I want to do.”
It’s like keeping this money for myself is dirty. I don’t want it. I know it wasn’t my mom’s fault when my dad skipped town, but he still owes a lot of people money. This wouldn’t even cover a blip on my dad’s humongous debt to the good people of Greenlark, but it would make my conscience feel a damn sight better if the money went to people who need it the most.
“We can work all of that out with Payden,” Crystal says. Payden is Luna’s best friend, and a lawyer. She often comes over to the club to hang out, and she’s been known to help out a time or two whenever someone was arrested in the past or needed representation. Most of what the Rebels do never involves a lawyer, and that’s saying something.
I nod. “Okay.”
“Did you want to go down to the funeral house now, or grab something to eat first?” Crystal gives me a small smile.
“To be honest, I’m not all that hungry,” I say. For some reason, I’ve lost my appetite. “But we can grab something now if you’d like?”
She shakes her head. “I’m good. Maybe a coffee, though?”
There are a couple of cafes in town, so we stop at one on the way by. Nobody would really know me now, since I left here at barely eighteen. Fourteen years passed by so fast.
The place hasn’t changed all that much. It’s pleasant, with a small hub of shops and eateries, but it still has that small town feeling.
“You know what I thought when I first got into town?” I say when we park at the funeral home. I turn the engine off and contemplate for a moment.
“What? That they need to change the ‘Welcome to Greenlark’ sign?”
I chuckle. “It does need a fresh paint job, but no. I was thinkin’ how lucky we are.”
She lays a hand on mine. “We are. So very lucky.”
I swallow hard. “I never want to feel stuck in a rut.” I don’t even know what I mean by that, but Crystal waits for me to finish. “To feel like I can’t get out of somethin’, ya know?”
“Do you feel that way about home?” Alarm paints her face; her eyes wide and her brow slightly furrowed.
“No, that’s not what I meant.” I run both hands through my hair. “I just meant in life. So many times when I was growin’ up, I was stuck. I couldn’t leave. Couldn’t go anywhere. Now that I’m in a place where I never want to leave, I can see all the mistakes I’ve made. I don’t want to keep repeatin’ them.”
“You haven’t made any,” she says. “You’ve provided for me and Aidan; your family. You put everybody else first. You always have.”
“But things with us…” I need to get this off my chest. “… haven’t always been the best, not lately. I’ve focused a lot on work, and bustin’ my ass to try and be somebody.”
I feel her grip my hand, folding into hers. “And you are somebody. You’ve achieved so much. The business is thriving, and you’re able to cut back at work. I’m so proud of you for that. I agree, we have stuff we need to work on, but no marriage is perfect.”
Hearing her say those words does make me feel proud. I guess just being back in town is making me feel more nostalgic than I ever thought possible, and sad more than anything.
Growing up, I never felt as if I were enough. Inside, it always feels like I need to do more to keep the people I love in my life. And I know I put that on myself. Crystal isn’t to blame for any of that; she’s never insisted I do anything. She’s always encouraged me, supported me, and only wanted the best for me.
“I never want to lose what I’ve got.” The words sound so hollow, even to me.
Crystal grips my hand even harder, placing her other one over mine, too. “And you never will. I’m here through thick and thin. I remember the marriage vows we both made,” she says. “And I meant every word of them. For better or worse. In sickness and in health. Things don’t just stop because we may have hit a rough patch. I’m still your wife, and you’re still my husband, and we can get through anything together. Even this.”
She’s my rock. She always has been.
I run a hand over my two-day scruff. “Maybe bein’ back here is sendin’ me loopy.”
“That could just be those old feelings rushing back. It’s been a while since you were in town; things are bound to feel strange.” Crystal brings our joined hands up to her mouth and kisses my knuckles one by one.
“It’s not like much has changed,” I agree. “It probably never will.”
I take a long breath, letting the silence settle between us.
“If you want me to go in, I can,” Crystal says after a few minutes. “None of this is gonna be easy.”
I can’t let her do that. As much as I want to run away and hide as well as blow this all under the rug, I know I can’t. This is my burden to deal with. My mom. Once it’s done, then it’ll be over for good. I never have to come back here.
“I’m fine. But I don’t want to keep her ashes. I think it would be nice to scatter them. Maybe at the beach. She used to love going there when I was little.”
My heart could break. Deep down, all I’ve truly ever wanted was my mom to care about me. She couldn’t even put her prejudices behind her when he became an adult. It wasn’t my fault she was a shit parent. It also wasn’t my fault she turned a blind eye to all the abuse going on with Wayne, and for that, I will never forgive her.
“I think scattering her ashes is a great idea. It might also give you a little peace. Big events happened here, and this could be a good way of letting them go,” Crystal says.
“I want that,” I say. “That’s exactly what I want, Crys. To let go once and for all.”
It’s my turn to kiss her knuckles now. My angel. That’s what she’s always been.
“Whatever you want, we can do,” she whispers.
I have to get this over with. “I’m ready.”
A few hours later, we’re told we can come by tomorrow and pick up my mom’s ashes. And then it’ll be done. We’ll drive out to the beach tomorrow and scatter them. My cousins and an aunt reached out, but to be honest, I don’t have the strength to deal with any of them. They weren’t close with my mom, and they’re probably thinking there’s a money grab in it somewhere. So I cancel any plans I once had for a small ceremony. If they want to do one so bad, they can, but I won’t be going.
I glance at my phone as it buzzes in my hand. Crystal and I decided to grab a late lunch, but all I do is push the food around on my plate, unable to stomach anything.
Stu
Can we catch up?
I read the text a few times before I glance up at Crystal. “Stu just texted me.”
She almost chokes on her burger. “Oh, my God, what did he say?”
I show her the text.
“What are you going to say back?”
“I guess it’s better to get it over with now I’ve canned any plans of a family reunion.”
“You don’t have to see him if you don’t want to.”
I know Crystal isn’t Stu’s biggest fan — truthfully, he’s not mine either — but he was still around after I left for a few years. “Maybe it’s time.”
I glance down at my phone, then tap out a reply.
Me
If you’re after money, there isn’t any
It takes a few minutes for him to reply, and my eyebrows shoot up when I see his next text.
Stu
It’s not about that. I don’t want anything, just to talk
Stu
I want to see you, explain things. If you’ll let me
Me
What’s to explain? The woman is dead
Stu
I wasn’t talking about her
I show Crystal the texts and she sits back in her chair. I know she wants to tell me to tell him to go to Hell, but she keeps tight lipped.
“Say it,” I prompt.
“Who the fuck does he think he is?” She quietens her tone as she leans toward me. “It seems a little weird that he’s trying to play nice all of a sudden. I’m not saying don’t go, but just watch your back. I don’t trust him.”
“To be fair, I don’t trust him either, but I guess I can hear him out for nothin’.”
“Like I said, I think it’s a little convenient that he just appears out of the woodwork after all this time.”
“So do I, truth be told, but if he opens his trap and says anythin’ I don’t like, I’ll shut him up pretty fast.”
“Do you want me to come with you?”
I nod. “Of course. You’re like my talisman.”
That makes her smile. “Well, he’d better watch himself, because if he tries anything shady, I’ll boppity-boop his ass with my fucking fist faster than he can blink.”
I chuckle. “Always the little hothead.”
“When it comes to you, you know how I get.”
I look across into my wife’s eyes as she gives me her full attention. “Yes, I do. But it’s my job to protect you, not the other way round.”
“Quit your bitching.” She rolls her eyes. “You can’t be Superman every day of the week. Sometimes you’ve gotta learn to love what’s good for you, not what everyone else wants.”
“You think I do that?”
“I think you’re too good a person, even to those who have hurt you. Not that I think that’s a flaw,” she quickly adds the last part. “I just worry you’ll get hurt in the process.”
“I’m a big boy.”
“I know that, but I’m here to make sure nobody takes advantage of my man, because he’s a decent person who never sees the bad in people.”
I scoff. “Oh, I see the bad in people, Sugar. I’ve just learned how to deal with disappointment.”
Her eyes soften. “I’m sorry, for everything?—”
“Don’t be. I’m happy now, that’s all that matters. I guess just Stu texting me after all these years is stirrin’ shit up. I’ve got nothin’ to lose hearin’ him out.”
“Nothing to lose?” I try not to smirk as my wife tries, and fails, to calm her temper. “He was a dick to you for years just because it was his dad who was the asshole.”
“I know that, but he was also a kid, too. He was younger than me. He was gettin’ hit. I think he took all of his frustrations out on me because I was the easy target. We were both angry.”
She bites down on her lip and looks away. Talking about my abuse always makes Crystal this way, and now that Stu is back in the picture texting me, I can’t blame her for being suspicious. I’m older now and, I hope, a little wiser.
“I know, it was a horrible situation for both of you.” She chews on her lip as she watches me. “What are you going to say?”
“I could ask him when and where?”
She nods.
Me
Let’s cut to the chase. When and where? I leave tomorrow
I don’t leave until late the next day, but I also don’t want to drag this out. Whatever he’s got to say, he can say today.
A reply bounces back.
Stu
I can meet you soon, at the Rosary
I stare at the text. Why would we be meeting at the church?
Me
Uh, kinda weird meeting place
Stu
I work there. I get off at five if you want to meet somewhere else
I look up at Crystal. “Stu works at the Rosary.”
Her eyes bug wide. “What?”
“He just said he gets off at five.”
“Is he a priest?” I can see the idea running through her mind as she frowns. “This is just getting weirder.”
Me
You work at the Rosary?
Stu
Yes, but I’m a social worker, not a man of the cloth
I stare again, this time unseeing. “He said he’s a social worker.”
Crystal is already typing on her phone. “Check this out.” She waves the phone at me as I squint. There’s a picture of a man in jeans and a plaid shirt, standing with the local bishop, the mayor, chief of police and the high school principal.
“Holy fuck.”
She takes the phone back and starts reading. “It says Stu Whitebender — what a fucking name — raises twenty-five thousand dollars for renovations to the Rosary, the beloved heritage listed church in Greenlark’s Main Street,” she reads. “Mr. Whitebender has worked tirelessly for the organization ever since he first volunteered here as a youth. Since helping hundreds of teenagers and young adults, some of which have gone on to have successful careers, Bishop Cartwright and our very own mayor welcomed Mr. Whitebender as the official Rosary youth worker.” She looks up from her rambling. “It goes on and on about him getting the Citizen of the Year award, as well as several other prestigious accolades.”
“Well, I’ll be damned.”
“Maybe he has turned over a new leaf?”
I hope so, for Stu’s sake. The only path he was headed down was a shady one. If he has turned his life around, then good for him. “It’ll be a big middle finger to Wayne if he did.” That part makes me smile, even if I am having a hard time picturing Stu being a good person. Maybe leopards can change their spots after all.
“You can say that again.” Crystal is still absorbed in the article. “There’s no mention of your mom, or any photos of her on the community pages.”
I don’t find that hard to believe. “What should I say back?”
Her eyes find mine. “Aren’t you a little more curious now?”
I shift in my seat. “More than I was five minutes ago,” I admit.
“You’ve got nothing to lose, like you said before.”
My eyes dart down to my phone. People can change. I could’ve ended up a loser, but I fought hard to keep my wits about me and stay out of trouble. It can be done. I should give Stu the benefit of the doubt. He’d be twenty-nine now. A lot can happen in that time.
I may not have planned this trip, but maybe there is power in coming back. In letting go of the past. It might mean cutting all the ties to Greenlark, and everyone in it, but that’s a good thing. It means the past isn’t ruling me anymore. And if Stu wants to talk, then I can give him some of my time. From what Crystal just told me, he seems like a decent person. Maybe there’s hope for us yet. Maybe we can both get some closure. That’s if he hasn’t messaged back to have it out with me once and for all. Stranger things have happened.
I glance back at my phone, quickly tapping out another message.
Me
We’ll be there