Chapter 81 #2
“Since now. Because you’re not leaving this room without being completely aware of my feelings towards you. I’m going to explain everything and remove every doubt from your mind. I’m not relying on makeup sex and brushing things under the carpet.”
My hands left her face, moving to link my fingers with her, resting our clasped hands on her knees.
“When I first met you, it wasn’t love at first sight.
I saw this beautiful, almost ethereal woman, and I wanted to own her.
I wanted to have her as my possession, simple as that.
You were the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, and I knew immediately that it would be unacceptable for any other man to have you.
I didn’t grow up in a world where love was a freely used term.
Power is the ultimate commodity around here.
And having a beautiful woman by my side would have been a status symbol. ”
She nodded, but she didn’t interrupt.
“My parents lived by that rule. Power was what was important. They chose me over Macbeth because I was the most powerful, and had the ability to lead the best. It wasn’t because they loved me the most—even if that’s the way Macbeth interpreted it.
I never loved Laura. I married her because it was expected.
It was a powerful match. She was the daughter of a very respected member of this club, and it just made sense that we would be together.
The next generation of powerful leaders.
I certainly never loved any of the club whores, or Vicky, or Beth.
At one point, I wasn’t even sure I was capable of love.
Enough women have accused me of being dead inside—you included,” I joked, earning myself a smile from her.
“Even with Bee, it was difficult for me to break the barrier and be completely free with her. I felt the most towards her, but I never recognised it as love. I just assumed it was instinct. You protect and guard your offspring.”
She nodded again, and so I continued. There was nothing else I could do. I just had to hope she was listening, truly listening, and that what I said to her made sense.
“I initially thought you were this sweet, loving creature. I saw you with that kid and thought you would be perfect for Bee. I wasn’t soft and sweet, but you were.
You would be the perfect yin to my yang.
And then I got to know you, I found out what made you the way you are, and I realised we weren’t so different.
Your parents didn’t really love you. It was only recently that your dad realised how much he messed up, but your mother and Iris are still the same, cold-hearted bitches.
Alex never loved you. You’ve searched for love, and you’ve been left wanting every time.
And yet, even though you struggled with your feelings, you weren’t like me.
You were still open to the possibility of love, and you made me see things through your eyes.
Even though you tried to hide your feelings and emotions, you still sought love. ”
I rubbed my thumb over the back of her hand, keeping my eyes locked on her face so I could try to assess her feelings.
But, as always, she was doing a brilliant job of hiding what she was thinking.
But as always, there was a tell. And this one was her swallowing heavily every so often, giving me the boost I needed to continue.
“And then, without even realising it, I began to fall for you. And it opened my eyes to so many different things. I saw how you loved Bee. She wasn’t your child, and yet you loved her all the same.
Despite never having received it, you knew how to give it.
And it made me want to do better. I didn’t have to continue to be the way I was raised.
I didn’t have to be a copy of my parents.
It was never too late to start again. So I began to really try to be closer to Bee.
And then when I heard Bee call you mum, that’s when I realised I did truly love you.
Because you were such a refreshing change.
A rare gem, a ray of light in my dark world.
You processed your new feelings and relationships, and accepted the changes instead of fighting them.
For a woman who had never had decent parents, you broke the generational bond and made yourself the best fucking parent that little girl could have wanted. ”
A tear trickled down her cheek again, and I wanted desperately to comfort her. But I had to finish. I had to let her know exactly what I was thinking. And hopefully it would be enough.
“And then I realised. It wasn’t that I hadn’t experienced love.
It’s that I had closed myself off from it.
Just because my parents wanted power, didn’t mean they didn’t love us.
My parents hadn’t just chosen me for my abilities, they chose me because they loved me.
Macbeth was a jealous bastard and a rat, but revenge wasn’t all he was feeling.
He was hurt. He loved our parents and wanted their approval.
My world had always been black and white, one or the other.
And I realised that it was possible to feel more than one emotion.
In a world of power, Bee was capable of feeling so much love.
Axel is a loving child, and you were able to love him, too.
There was room for one more in your heart.
Despite having no experience, there was never a shortage.
And whilst I still do want to own you and possess you, and I still want to have you as my status symbol, I do love you.
I will never love you the way the movies portray.
But I love you in my own way, and each day I’m with you, you teach me more and more.
You show me how to love openly, and I never want that feeling to disappear. ”