Chapter 63
Harlow
Vincenzo was alive and breathing down my neck, even if our roles were reversed.
I moved through the house like a ghost, touching things to ground myself and bring me back to steady feet, but I wasn’t sturdy.
Everything in the house, our house, terrified me.
Every little shadow felt suffocating; every sound felt too loud.
I was flinching at everything and the staff scared me.
I was back to square one. When Caterina first brought me here, I was scared and I was back to being that same girl again.
I hated being her again.
Every milestone I accomplished in the last year was destroyed in meager months. I needed to do something before he won. I could barely get out of bed without Caterina helping me. Everyone was cornering me and waiting for me to shatter. I didn’t want to be surrounded by everyone.
I finally told Mallory I was okay. She wanted me to come and see her, but I couldn’t yet.
Serenity was asking questions, and I didn’t have a solid answer for her yet.
I wanted her to see me when I was stronger, not like this…
I didn’t know when I would be able to see her or when we could bring her home.
She needed me to be at my strongest so I could be the mother she deserved.
I was finally able to get out of bed and move around better, but I wasn’t close to being healed—physically, mentally, emotionally—but I knew I couldn’t wallow in self-pity or trauma.
Lizzy came back home from Tennessee after being away again.
Luca wanted her to stay away, but after being awake for two weeks, she wanted to come home and see me.
When she learned I was awake, she booked a flight.
She just needed to celebrate her mother’s birthday before coming back.
I pulled back slightly. “It’s okay. It’s still tender, but I’m not dying. I missed you. How is everything?”
Lizzy sighed, taking my hand and sitting on her bed. She looked at me with a semi-forced smile. “Uhm, I-I’m pregnant.”
My jaw fell to the floor. “Oh wow. Uh congrats?” Neither one of us really talked about our futures or families. The look in her eyes told me she was excited yet terrified of this new journey.
“It was a surprise. After everything that happened with the wreck and you being taken, I forgot to take my birth control. You know me, my coping mechanisms include sex and crying. So now, I’m going to be a mom.”
She looked guilty. “Don’t feel bad for living even when I was captive. It’s no one’s fault, but his. How does Luca feel about being a dad?”
“He is terrified. It’s understandable. We both are. Luca’s abuse and my kidnapping. We know we want to raise them around everyone here. We are a family and if either one of us makes a mistake, someone can help the baby.”
I frowned, taking her hand in mine. “You are not your past, and neither is Luca. You two will love that little one you made out of love. Besides, I’m going to spoil him or her until they are rotten and give them back to Mommy.”
“I love you. I’m glad I can share this experience with you without fear.”
“I love you, too. And hey, your little one will have Serenity to grow up with when I am ready to get her and bring her home.”
She squeezed my hand. “I can’t wait to meet her. When are you going through with the adoption?”
“I don’t know just yet. I’m…I want to be a good mom for her, but I’m not right now.”
She nodded, taking a deep breath. “When you are ready, I know you will be the best mama. How are you? Really?”
I bit the inside of my lip. “I feel…absolutely numb.” I hadn’t told Caterina that.
“I feel like my happiness is going to get taken from me again, so there is no reason to feel. The nightmares are paralyzing.” I rubbed my wrists, imagining the chains tying me down and trapping me.
“He taunted me with Caterina’s ‘death’, and then he raped me.
I wanted to give up. He broke me. I almost gave up, but because of Caterina, I fought.
Now, I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to feel. ”
“Harlow,” she said with some concern in her voice.
“I think it’s because he is still alive. I’m talking with Serena today. I’m happy. I know I am happy, but with Vincenzo still breathing, I am still mortified that this will be taken from me again.”
“You’re a survivor, Harlow. A beautiful, strong survivor with so much opportunity waiting for you.”
“It’s great to see you.” Serena beamed as I walked into her office. “How are you?”
I knew keeping everything bottled up would lead to more trouble, and I wasn’t afraid of Serena anymore.
My progress might be pushed back, but I wasn’t the same girl that was in her office over a year ago.
“I’m…uhm…I’m struggling. I don’t want to kill myself or cause harm, but I’m exhausted and scared. ”
“Why are you scared?”
“Vincenzo is still alive. I know he is trapped, but his power is vast. I’m scared he will escape and Caterina will die. I’m scared my happiness will be taken from me. And…I’m scared that my mom is going to hate me.”
“Why do you think your mom is going to hate you?”
I swallowed hard, my throat burning as if I’d swallowed glass. “I feel this overwhelming guilt. The idea of having a child through assault mortified me. I never wanted it. She…she had three. I don’t…”
“Have you talked to her about how you feel?” I shook my head. “You finally have each other back in your lives after eight years of believing the other was dead. I think we should get your mom in here and let you two talk about this without the children censoring your words.”
I nodded, and she stepped out. Fear gnawed at my bones.
I knew she wouldn’t hate me, but I was terrified she would be offended or hurt by my feelings.
But I knew if we didn’t talk about this or what happened, an unintentional rift would form between us.
I had my mom back, and now I had younger siblings I’d watch grow up.
My mom smiled at me before she sat down next to me, and she took my hand into hers. “It seems like the two of you haven’t been able to sit down and talk without the other little ones in a room, so take this chance to ask the question I know you need to know.”
“What did he tell you?” I blurted out. “He told me someone got too handsy with you and they killed you. All I had left of you was a ragged t-shirt.”
She looked down, squeezing my hand. “When he took me that night and after the men were done, Vincenzo and Igor walked into the room, and I knew something happened, or I thought I did. Vincenzo told me one of his men killed you because you were a distraction to him. I didn’t have time to break before he told me I would be Igor’s wife and bring him heirs. ”
“Mom…”
“I didn’t fight. I had no reason to fight anymore. I thought my heart was gone, so I let Igor use me and then I got a positive pregnancy test, and I broke. I…I said the wrong things to Igor, and he beat me to the point I miscarried. I got pregnant again ten months later.”
A lump formed in my throat as tears spilled from my eyes. “I feel guilty.” My voice trembled. “You had three babies because of what he did to you, but the thought of bringing Vincenzo’s child into this world made me sick. I’m not strong like you, Mom.”
She kissed the back of my hand. “It’s how I felt in the beginning.
When I found out I was having a boy, my heart shattered, but not nearly as much as it did when I had Hope.
It wasn’t the way I would have wanted children, but when I held Hunter in my arms for the first time, I felt like I had a second chance.
I knew I needed to escape Igor so they could be safe.
I just didn’t know how. They gave me strength even though I knew what I lost. I wanted to be the mom they needed and not the one who failed you. ”
I bit the inside of my cheek. “You didn’t fail me. You fought for me and made sure I was safe. If anyone is to blame, it’s Dad. I never once blamed you for our situation. I’m so glad you’re alive.”
She pulled me into her arms once again and I sunk into her embrace. “Me too, baby.”
“It’s going to be a long journey for both of you, but you are both strong women who survived a travesty. You’re not alone; you have a family.”
“One big dysfunctional family.” I laughed.