25. Lachlan
25
Lachlan
W e were shaping up something nice. Morning practice had been nearly flawless, and Coach was ecstatic, as Nolan and Ethan were finally getting their shit together and making perfect handoffs. It was apparent, too, that Bailey had been studying the playbook. Nolan said the play, and she had it down pat every time. That made me proud. She was more badass on the field than she gave herself credit for.
As practice came to a wrap, I pulled off my gear, tossing it into my bag, which I shoved into my locker. I showered quickly before starting my trek down to the sticks. I was running low on my stash, and lately, I had been getting itchier. Itchy…shit, I hated that feeling. Anytime those insolent people brushed against me in the halls, it was like bugs crawling along my skin. I sighed, and here comes the Dark.
I could blame her . I could say all these thoughts, these feelings, were the result of her abuse. But it wasn’t true, was it? Maybe she’d set things in motion, the final push to that part of me already teetering on the edge.
I had come to terms with it, though, with her . My parents insisted on therapy, and as much as I hated every minute of it… talking about it helped. What she’d done was wrong, and it felt right to have someone on my side that saw her abuse for what it was.
Still. Part of me believed the Dark had always been there, lurking, waiting. I would get on edge at times, and without hesitation, Bailey, Chase, or Eth would bring me back from the brink. The separation from them, the trauma to my soul and body from events and juvie, it was too much. Now, everything made my skin crawl. When people got too close to me, disgust filled me, goose bumps would spread across my skin, and I would get physically sick. A panic attack . At least, that’s what I always told myself. Just another panic attack. But over the last week, I’d begun to wonder if, perhaps, the Dark was getting stronger. What if I only got sick because I fought it so much?
So, what had caused the heightened senses? What had caused the Dark to perk up? Because, in previous years, I could pick and choose a girl to bend to my beck and call, and when in control, I was able to touch and pleasure. Now, the thought of anyone but Bailey touching me was enough to bring forth the Dark.
I chuckled. I guess that was it, then. Some part of me needed to defend Bailey. And if I had to answer the Dark’s call to do that, I wouldn’t hesitate.
Lee was standing just within the sticks, a third-year dropout, genius of a mind. He didn’t even have to say anything. I held out his cash, and he slipped the baggie of green into my hand.
Within the outer edge of the school property, all hidden behind, between, and on top of trees and stumps, it was peppered with students. Some smoking together, some sipping alcohol, and some just getting away, alone. Away from grades, reality, and life. And this was where I found myself…every morning during my free block.
I took my baggie of green and found my tree to sit in front of. I ground and prepped it before putting it in my pipe and lighting, taking a deep hit and letting the good stuff flow. Soon, the tendrils of fear, disgust, and pain that withered against my skin would dissipate and I could function…normally.
Normally. See, everyone thought I got high just to get high or because I was addicted. But damn it if I didn’t do it so I could feel normal. So I could walk the halls without snapping at everyone to get the hell away. So I could walk into a classroom without thinking “they know” or wanting to rip their judging eyes from their sockets. Man, some people get paranoid when taking the green, but me? I was paranoid without it.
The weed mellowed me out. It never did anything odd, like cause hallucinations, so I almost cursed Lee for selling me something laced when my eyes landed on Bailey walking toward me. I blinked a few times and squinted to make sure I was seeing right, but I could never mistake that body. Those curves. That long hair framing the gorgeous face. I am definitely not gay , I thought as I licked my lips and soaked in the sight of her.
Bailey walked right up to me, looked down, and stopped. I glanced at the pipe in my hand, then back up to her. “You real?”
A slow smile spread on her lips. “Yes, Lachlan, I am.”
“Shiiit. That’s good. I thought Lee sold me crap.” I took another hit of my pipe as she sat next to me. I waited for it. For the why do you do that? Or you shouldn’t do drugs. But it never came…because my girl isn’t like that.
“Does it help?” she asked instead.
I held the poison in my lungs, but instead of constricting them, I felt free as I blew out all the bad within me. “Yeah, it really does, me for, anyway.”
Bailey sat down next to me, her arm resting a mere paper’s width from mine. God, she smelled good. Did she even know how good she smelled? Fucking sunshine.
She was quiet for a moment before she held her hand out. I raised an eyebrow at her. Did she really want to do this? “No pressure,” I told her. “It’s not for everyone.”
She bit her lip, and I could see the war within her eyes. My girl was hurting and looking for an escape. I kept quiet, careful not to pressure her. She released her lip, taking a steadying breath before coming to her conclusion. “I want to… I want to try.”
I nodded and got it ready for her, turning to face her. “Have you done this before?” She shook her head. “All right, you good with skipping school all day?”
“All day?”
“It’s your first time, and you don’t know how it will affect you.”
She nodded. “I’m good.”
I was nervous because the stuff I bought was good, so I would only let her take a hit or two. Even then, it wouldn’t be long before she felt it. I talked her through it as I took another hit from the pipe, holding it to my lips, putting my finger over the carb hole while I pulled in, then released it to let the air flow as the smoke filled my lungs. Then I handed the lighter and pipe to her.
She followed through exactly as I had explained it, and it wasn’t long before she was coughing up a storm. I handed her a bottle of water from my bag. “I probably seem pathetic,” she said.
“Nah, adorable, but not pathetic. Everyone coughs their first time.”
She groaned. “You’re not allowed to call me pet names now too.” My body froze. Who was calling my girl pet names? “What do we do now?” she asked.
I took a deep breath to get myself back under control. “Sit back and enjoy. Go low and slow, young grasshopper.” I laughed, grass -hopper. That was a good one.
“Lach…I wanted to ask you something.”
When Bailey had called me early this morning, asking me what she had, it took everything in me not to go into a fit of rage. To just listen to her without demanding answers from her. I was glad the drugs were hitting my system now. I needed her to know she was always safe coming to me. I sat back and nodded for her to continue.
“When we were talking, and you told me about what happened, you said it felt wrong.” She frowned, and it struck me that this was something she must’ve been thinking about for a while. “You said you liked her, she was pretty, so why was it wrong? If you like someone shouldn’t you just automatically do it? For them?”
I snorted. “I thought Ms. Becker in sixth grade was pretty too. Does that mean she has the right to take advantage of me?”
Her shoulders deflated. “No.”
I sighed. “It was wrong because, even though I found her attractive, it was something I didn’t want. Not every guy has sex on the mind all the time. No matter what her feelings were, she didn’t listen to mine. It’s give and take, not give and give until the only thing left inside of you are scars and resentment.”
“Is that what’s inside of you? Scars and resentment?”
“Used to be.”
“That summer you went to jail, I tried to patch things up with Chase and Ethan, but I couldn’t get them to even be in the same room. My ex was there. Looking back now, I see he made me feel like he was the only important person in my life. That I was abandoned and unworthy, and he was my savior.”
One…two…three…four…five… I couldn’t lose it. I tried to take steadying breaths and be the listening ear Bailey needed right now.
“He drove me to the first day of high school. I remember him telling me high school boys only had one thing in mind, that they would hurt me again and again, just like Chase, Ethan, and you had. It felt wrong, but I trusted him. Then he gave me the ultimatum. I either had to choose to have him in my life and he would take care of me, or I could choose you guys. I think he knew what he was doing. I was fourteen when I met him, but he made me comfortable until we had sex when I was sixteen. He had me look up the legal age to prove to me it would be okay.” She stayed quiet for long moments before adding, “If you’re filled with scars and resentment, I’m filled with scars and regrets.”
She held her hand out, and I placed the pipe within it. She took a small hit herself this time, going slow, so as not to trigger another coughing fit, then leaned back against the tree behind us, looking up at the branches and the leaves, just as I had so many times before. She was deep in thought, so I remained quiet. This place, getting high and getting away, allowed time to think. And sometimes, time to think was needed. Not thinking about what to do or events coming up. But time to think about oneself. To ask your soul how you were doing. Time to quiet the mind and heal. That…that’s what the weed did for me.
Right now, my soul was bleeding, though. Bleeding for the girl who had held my heart so many years ago. For the loss of our friendship and the harm that had come in my absence. I ached to wrap my arms around her and tell her never again—it would never happen again. But I didn’t want to be her savior. I wasn’t going to fight her battles. I wasn’t going to take her strength away by using mine.
From now on, I vowed to stand next to Bailey. Vowed that my strength would add to hers, boost hers. The same way her strength added power to me. We would never be alone again; predators better not come for us, thinking we were easy prey.
I leaned into Bailey, and she tucked herself into my side so perfectly. Like she had always belonged there. And it felt so right.
Time was infinite here, and so the giggling had begun. “I never realized how broad the trees were.” She finally spoke.
I laughed. “What an odd observation.”
“I bet if we had trees for linemen, no one would get past.”
“If we had trees for linemen, Bailey, my love, everyone would get past.” I raised my foot. “They have no feet. They can’t run very far.”
She sighed, bumping her foot with mine, staring longingly at them. “You’re right. How sad are they to not be able to move?”
“How sad are we to not be able to stay still? To not take the time to simply breathe in and out as they do.”
Bailey turned her beautiful eyes on me. “Lach, when everyone refused to talk to me, because I ghosted them for years, why were you so quick to talk to me? I didn’t make up with you or grovel, so why did you let me in so fast?”
“Bailey, I had spent years waiting for you to forgive me. That moment you spoke to me, I wasn’t going to screw up and let you go. You could’ve crushed my balls with your shit-kicker boots, and I would’ve trailed behind you like a lost Retriever. I will never—never—make that mistake again.”
Her eyes welled with tears that wouldn’t fall. “I don’t deserve you,” she whispered.
“No, baby, you deserve everything you want. You are so beautiful and pure and…good. Such a simple word, but the goodness within needs to be acknowledged. You. Are. Good.”
She leaned forward, and I wanted that kiss so badly. I wanted to thread my fingers in her hair and pull her onto my lap. I wanted to kiss her until the earth fell from beneath our feet and we were floating together in space. But…I also knew she was high right now.
I cupped her face and brushed my lips against her cheek before pulling away so she would know I wasn’t rejecting her. “Not now, baby. I want to kiss you—I will kiss you—but not like this. I want you to tell me. To be sober. I want our first time to be wanted.”
“I almost kissed Nolan.” She said it like she was worried.
I smiled.
“He told you?” Her eyebrows pulled down in the most adorable way.
“Yes, I told you, we talk—a lot.”
“And you still want to kiss me?”
Nolan and I, we weren’t competing anymore. Both of us were here for her, would give her anything she asked for. “Yes, I do. And, yes, Nolan knows. And, yes, it’s okay.”
She nodded, as if it all made perfect sense, but I knew that was just the weed chilling her out. It was crazy that I was completely fine with Nolan getting close to her, but if she had two of us, maybe she wouldn’t suffer through the healing process as much as I had. She shuffled closer and leaned her head against my shoulder. Threading her fingers through mine, she played with my rings, rotating them.
After a moment of peace, she said it. She finally said what I had been suspecting all along. “Lach…I don’t think I wanted him. ” She cleared her throat. “I didn’t want him. The more time I spend away from him, the more wrong it feels. He stole my body from me.”
I grasped her hand and held it against my chest, pulling her close to me. It wasn’t to comfort her; it was to ease the stabbing in my heart. It was so I could breathe better, knowing I now held her and would do anything to put that bastard in his grave. “I’ve got you.”
The more that came to light, the more that she realized what had been done to her, I would be here. I would always have her back.
She grabbed her backpack, pulling it up onto her lap. “Want some muffins?”
“Yaaaaassss!”