18. Sawyer
CHAPTER 18
Sawyer
SILVER LINING
“You should ask her out.”
Dropping my saddle onto its rack, I lift my arm to push back the hat on my head. Then I wipe my forehead on my sleeve, soaking the fabric with sweat.
I’m drenched partly from work. Partly from the raging case of blue balls I’ve had all day.
I glare at Duke. “I think you should mind your own goddamn business.”
“Just sayin’.” He hoists his saddle onto the rack beside mine. “She digs you, dude. You dig her. Go pick her up and show her a good time.”
“Ava Bartlett?” Wyatt strides into the tack room and meets my eyes. “Yeah, you should definitely ask her out. Sally is obsessed with her.”
“So is our boy here.” Duke smiles as he pulls off his gloves and tucks them into his back pocket. “I definitely interrupted something fun this morning.”
“Shut up.” I pull my hat all the way off my head and use my arm to wipe my forehead again. Despite the chilly winter temps, I’m still sweating like a pig. “Seriously, y’all need to learn how to knock.”
“She was smiling ear to ear.” Duke gives Wyatt a meaningful glance. “Apparently, they were hugging it out.”
“Aw, yeah!” Ryder strolls into the room, the ridiculous fringe on his leather chaps making a slapping noise I can hear from several feet away. “I heard you got laid this morning, man. Good for you.”
I stare at Duke. “What the fuck did you tell them?”
“Nothin’.” The bastard shrugs. “I told you everyone thought you’d died. When they asked where you were, I just said that you were alive and very well.”
I might have started work later than usual, but it was still a long-ass day on the ranch. Because I was late, I ended up mucking stalls in the barn alongside Duke, and then Mollie and I helped Sally administer vaccines all through lunch. We only met up with the herd a few hours ago, where Cash, Wyatt, and Ryder were working cattle.
I hired Mrs. Sherman’s teaching assistant, Miss Caroline, to watch Ella during the week when she’s not in school. Since Caroline only teaches in the mornings (school runs from nine a.m. until twelve thirty), she’ll take Ella home and stay at my house until four o’clock. Which, judging by the angle of the sun, is fast approaching.
My arms are sore. My back is killing me. I’ve been fighting these blue balls all day. I have a long evening ahead. When I get home, I need to make dinner, do bath time, read thirty-eight books, and then hopefully put Ella to bed. Then I’ll clean up from dinner, pick up the playroom, change the laundry …
Never mind the fact that Ella is either cranky or wound up or both this time of day. Hell, I’m usually cranky too.
But today—I don’t know, I keep fighting the urge to smile, even as my balls ache and my brothers rib me.
Only four and a half hours until I can take care of this horrid half chub.
“I was fine.” I pretend to busy myself with some nearby riding tack. “For the record, I did ask her out.”
“She’s too good for you,” Cash grunts as he walks into the room.
I narrow my eyes at him. “Thanks, dick.”
“You have to know that’s a joke. How many times we gotta tell you that you’re too good for, well, everyone?” He drops his saddle onto its rack and wipes his hands. “So, whatcha thinking? You gonna take her to The Rattler?”
The Rattler is Hartsville’s one and only dive bar. There’s a very good chance that Mollie and Cash had sex in the bathroom there. Wyatt and Sally made eyes at each other across the bar for years before finally getting together on the dance floor.
In short, the Rivers family has a lot of history at that place. While I love and respect The Rattler as the timeless institution it is, the bar doesn’t seem right for my first real date with Ava.
I shake my head. “Met her at a honky-tonk, so we’ve done that scene. I wanna do something different. Something … special.”
“Happy for you, brother. I know this is a big deal for you—being into someone enough to want to pull out the stops. Just gotta make sure you play your cards right.” Wyatt crosses his arms and leans his shoulder against the wall. “And you know you need to let one of us babysit Ella at night—maybe all night—if you want to make that happen, right?”
I remember Ava’s words. I want to help, so let me .
She clearly lets other people help her, and her village seems a lot bigger and more vibrant than mine. She’s part of a safety net, but she’s not the safety net. Which I think explains why she’s so much goddamn fun. There’s a lightness to her, an ease I fucking adore.
I’m wondering if my instinct to take life so seriously is part of why I’m so run-down. I’ve always felt this need to run around with my arms outstretched, on alert in case anyone falls, in case anyone needs me. I love my people, and I want to be there for them. Show up for them.
Save them, because I love them too fiercely to see them suffer.
But maybe I need to let people just … do their thing, so I can do mine. As we’ve gotten older, my brothers have proven themselves to be capable adult humans.
Maybe they don’t need me to save them.
Maybe I never really had the power to prevent their suffering in the first place. Maybe I’ve suffered enough trying to fulfill a role no one asked me to take on.
“Didn’t Ella run you ragged while we were in Austin?” I still ask.
Wyatt shrugs. “I caught up on sleep after she left. We survived.”
“Mollie and I are happy to babysit Ella,” Cash says. “Got plenty of room at the house, and it’ll be good practice for us.”
Mollie got pregnant on their honeymoon back in the fall. She’s due this summer, and I couldn’t be more thrilled that Ella’s finally getting a cousin.
I nod, emotion clogging my windpipe. “I just might take you up on that. Thank you.”
Ryder lets out a low whistle. “You really do got it bad if you’re letting us help out with Ella not once, but twice now.”
“Is a picnic date cheesy?” I ask. “Supposed to warm up later this week.”
Duke shakes his head. “I don’t think it’s cheesy at all. You know I love any excuse to get out of town. And I bet Patsy will help you make a spread of food.”
“Patsy is the best,” Cash says.
Patsy is Lucky River Ranch’s chef—best in the business—and our adopted mother figure. She’s kind and patient, but she’s also not afraid to tell it like it is.
Duke grins. “And now that Wyatt knows all about wine?—”
“My girl likes her cabernet.” Wyatt shrugs. “So I learned some and drank some more. I’ll drop off a bottle or three at your house tomorrow.”
My eyes burn. I resist the urge to look away. “Thanks.”
“Ella’s going to be fine.” Cash puts a hand on my shoulder. “And so are you. Name the date for your, er, date, and we’ll help you make it happen.”
Wyatt has a wistful look on his face. “Lovers, let them love.”
“Dude.” Ryder rolls his eyes. “You really need to keep that thought to yourself.”
But Cash just laughs. “Loving makes life worth living.”
“All right, Riley Green. Enough with the cheesy song lyrics.”
“What? It’s true.”
I smile, because he’s right.
* * *
It only takes five books, twenty minutes of what we call “back scratchies,” and the promise of a special treat in the morning to get Ella to finally pass out at eight o’clock that night.
I always feel so lame for collapsing into bed ten minutes after she goes down, but tonight I’m downright giddy to get into bed.
I finally get to text Ava. Initially I thought I’d call her, but my brothers told me to cool my jets a little.
“She’s a single parent too,” Cash explained. “Meaning she’s just as beat as you are at the end of the day. There’s a good chance she’ll either miss your call or send you to voice mail. But a text—it’s not as much of a commitment. She can respond to it anytime, and it still lets you know you’re thinking about her without that layer of guilt that comes when you feel like you should call someone back, but you can’t for whatever reason.”
I don’t know when my grumpy, growly older brother became an expert in dating, but here we are.
Back at the barn, the five of us workshopped some text ideas before we all headed home. Cash and Wyatt counseled me to keep it cute and fun. Ryder and Duke pushed me toward an agenda that was light on substance, heavy on sexting.
I decide to strike a note somewhere in between.
SAWYER RIVERS
Think you can get a sitter for Saturday night? I’d like to take you to dinner.
I try not to feel disappointed when she doesn’t respond right away. I distract myself by scrolling through my email and the app our preschool uses to post announcements and photos. I smile when I see a picture Ms. Sherman posted earlier today of Ella and Junie going down the slide together on the playground.
My phone dings. My stomach drops.
AVA BARTLETT
Thought you said you were going to eat me for breakfast?
Dick perking right the fuck up, I grin.
SAWYER RIVERS
I’m a three square meals a day kinda guy. 5pm too early? I’ll pick you up
AVA BARTLETT
5pm is our usual dinner time so this is perfect. Let me text my nanny to see if she’s free.
BTW Junie was all smiles at pickup. She talked nonstop about how much fun she had with her BFF Yella
SAWYER RIVERS
Funny, Yella did the same thing. Apparently Mrs. Sherman said they were inseparable. I was bummed to miss you at pickup
AVA BARTLETT
How was your day?
SAWYER RIVERS
Long
AVA BARTLETT
As long as your was this morning?
I burst out laughing.
SAWYER RIVERS
You like torturing me don’t you?
AVA BARTLETT
I think Mr straightedge likes to be edged
SAWYER RIVERS
By you? Fuck yes I do
How was your day
AVA BARTLETT
Much better after coffee.
SAWYER RIVERS
You should have coffee every day then. Preferably with me
AVA BARTLETT
Oh! Just heard from my nanny. She’s free on Sat! What do I wear? Obvs will leave the underwear and bra at home
I resist the urge to type out God I love you .
My heart palpitates. Since when is that word part of my Ava-associated vocabulary? I know better than to get in too deep, too fast. But when it comes to her, I feel like I’m standing on a steep slope that keeps collapsing under my feet. Leaves me scrambling to find my balance.
Do I fight to stay upright? Or do I surrender?
What if I’m already on my knees?
My heart’s beating two hundred times a minute. I take a deep breath. Another. And another. There is no need to panic, right? This is Ava. Being with her is easy. Fun.
It’s good for me.
SAWYER RIVERS
But then I can’t add them to my collection
AVA BARTLETT
You’ve stolen enough of my underwear. And Junie’s too.
SAWYER RIVERS
Shit, forgot to give that back to you. I’ll send it in with Ella tomorrow.
For Saturday, wear a coat. Looks like it should be warm but just in case
AVA BARTLETT
This sounds interesting
SAWYER RIVERS
We’ll stay warm somehow
AVA BARTLETT
I have some ideas
SAWYER RIVERS
Hot cocoa?
AVA BARTLETT
Haha yes exactly. I do love chocolate
SAWYER RIVERS
Noted
AVA BARTLETT
Do you have a sweet tooth?
SAWYER RIVERS
I do. My mom loved to bake
AVA BARTLETT
Aw. Junie loves to bake with Mrs. Wallace. It’s really cute. Ella will have to come over and join them!
SAWYER RIVERS
She’d love that
AVA BARTLETT
Maybe Wednesday after school?
SAWYER RIVERS
Should work for us
AVA BARTLETT
Great. Now can we sext?
I laugh again, my dick getting hard at just the thought of all the naughty shit Ava will no doubt come up with. Girl does not give two shits about propriety or playing it cool. She wants what she wants, and she’s not afraid to ask for it.
She’s a breath of fresh air, one I didn’t know I needed until I reach under the covers and slide my hand inside my briefs.
SAWYER RIVERS
thought you’d never ask
And then, because I know she won’t be turned off or offended, I add:
now send me a pic of your tits
AVA BARTLETT
only if you send me one of your
I’m always fucking laughing with this woman. Tossing aside the blankets, I hold up my phone and snap a photo. I send it to her, pulse going haywire as I wonder vaguely if this is the third best night of my life. The first, of course, being the night Ella was born. The second was Austin.
SAWYER RIVERS
because my girl always gets what she wants
AVA BARTLETT
I want you, cowboy