Chapter 14
14
JOSS
A part of me believed I’d never feel pain worse than having my already-broken hand fractured in a car accident. But I was wrong.
Boy, was I wrong.
Being in the same room as Rylan was like slowly burning to death under the hot Las Vegas sun. From the minute I’d spoken his name, I could feel his anger coming off him in skin-scorching waves.
And it was all directed at me.
I couldn’t get his voice out of my head.
Last time I was with someone, she lied and stole something from me I haven’t been able to get back.
I hadn’t stolen anything from Rylan. When I left that morning, the only things I took with me were my clothes and my wedding band.
And a boatload of memories.
If anything, I’d left a piece of myself with him, and I knew I’d never get it back.
After sitting at my desk in the most uncomfortable silence, I couldn’t take it anymore. I pushed back in my chair and got locked in Rylan’s gaze as it swung my way.
He turned it back to his phone when I stood, though I got the feeling he wasn’t as interested in what was on his screen as he was in me. Somehow, that didn’t make me feel any better.
“Rylan?” I’d rounded the table where he’d propped up his feet and nearly stumbled when his blue eyes snapped to mine. I trembled as I lowered myself to the chair on the other end of the table, and I clasped my hands together to get them to still. “Can we talk?”
He dropped his phone in his lap and picked up his magazine. “You going to lie to me some more?”
Blinking, I opened my mouth to speak, then snapped it shut to keep from biting back. I swallowed and tried, “I didn’t lie to you?—”
“Joss Monroe ?”
He dropped his magazine to his lap, and I shrank in my seat. “Okay. I admit, I lied about my last name. But everything else was the truth.”
“That’s it? Just your last name? You mean the one thing that would have helped me find you after you abandoned me in the middle of our fucking wedding night?”
My ring—which I’d torn from my finger before we left for lunch—burned a hole in the pocket of my pants. “I’m sorry, okay?”
Rylan didn’t seem to notice the waver in my voice. “Sorry’s not going to fix this, Joss.”
I reached for him, only to tear my hand back when he flinched. Tears prickled in the corners of my eyes, and I turned my face away.
“I looked everywhere for you.” His voice was a low hiss, and though I knew he didn’t mean for them to, his words wrapped around me like a warm hug. “All over Vegas. All over fucking North Dakota and Minnesota. I searched every goddamn town for even a hint of you, and you weren’t there.”
“I was hiding.” How I wished I could tell him where I’d been. That there wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t think about him.
The harsh look on his face kept all my words lodged in my throat. I couldn’t bring myself to speak, not while his disbelief had me reliving the same terror I’d been so determined to escape from when I left his side that night.
“You did a fine fuckin’ job of it.”
There was a finality to his tone that broke something inside of me. I nodded, then rose from my seat. But I couldn’t take a step, couldn’t move away from him. I’d promised myself when I left Peter that I would live the rest of my life being brave.
“My name was Joslyn Michelle Ward,” I told him, proud that my voice didn’t waver too much. “I changed my last name to Monroe after I left Minnesota. I didn’t know how to find you and you never told me where you lived or where you were from.”
“And you didn’t stick around to ask.”
Outside, a gust of wind blew snow across the street, revealing a red blur as it cleared. I rubbed my hand down my thigh, feeling my ring where it rested against my leg. Then I turned my attention back to Rylan.
“I moved here to this city, hoping against hope that I could find you again.”
“Well,” he said as the door swung open and the cold Chicago wind blew through like a storm, ushering in my boss, Lee Bridgewater. Rylan tossed his magazine to the table and stood, muttering under his breath, “It looks like you did.”
Lee tore his hat off his head and shook his body like a dog, scattering bits of snow and ice to the floor. He looked up at me, a grimace on his face as he said, “Sorry ’bout that, Joss.”
“It’s okay.” I was moving toward the kitchenette, to where our mop and broom were stored, before Lee’s booming voice had me jumping where I stood.
“Dennis. Thank fuck!” Lee extended his long arm toward Rylan, and they locked hands and shook. “In my office. Now.”
How Rylan didn’t crumple into a useless pile of flesh in the middle of the floor, I didn’t know. Just hearing those words brought back memories of Peter yelling at me, minutes before he’d beat me for not making his dinner right. Those tears I’d barely pushed away before Lee stepped inside threatened to make a comeback as the two men turned to go to Lee’s office.
With my knees weak and my pulse throbbing in my head, I stepped around the melting snow on the floor, heading toward Rylan’s vacated chair.
Only for Lee’s voice to stop me.
“Joss, you too.”
“Shit.” My mouth went dry, and my head spun. I grabbed for the table, trying to act like I’d intended to put Rylan’s magazine back on the pile to cover up how utterly terrified I was.
He’s not Peter, Joss. He’s not going to hurt you. He just ? —
What if…? What if he found out about Rylan? What if he knew we were married and this job that I had tried so hard to find, this job that I needed if I was going to be able to live in this city, was taken away?
My thoughts floated off without me when I glanced up and found Rylan watching me. The look on his face was the same one he’d given me so many times as we walked around Vegas. A look that preceded every gentle touch of my bruised body and every question about the abuse I’d sustained.
“Come on, gorgeous.” Rylan tipped his head to the side, offering me a hint of a smile. I took it like it was a life preserver and I was drowning at sea.
Scrambling toward him, I was so tempted to rush into his arms, to let him hold me and soothe my pain the way he had when we first met. But even with the smile tilting his lips, his posture screamed Don’t touch me!
I squeezed around him and into Lee’s office, still shaking as I took the chair closest to the wall. It took effort to control my breathing, to not look like I’d just run a mile. Even the smile Rylan sent my way as he sat by my side wasn’t enough to fully calm me. I gripped my left hand until it throbbed, the pain reminding me that this meeting with my boss and my husband wasn’t going to kill me.
Though it could very well be the end to my life as I knew it.
Lee let out a long breath, drawing my attention to him. I couldn’t help but brace for whatever impact was coming.
“Kolton failed his test.”
“What?” My voice cracked, and I tried to wrap my head around his words while, beside me, Rylan tilted his head back to stare at the ceiling.
“How bad is it?” Rylan asked. The bob of his Adam’s apple had my fear fleeing and my body doing strange things. Warmth spread through me until I was ready to strip off my sweater in order to get cool. I wanted to touch him, to trace my fingertip down the smooth skin of his throat.
Or kiss him.
My God, how I wanted to kiss him.
“It’s not great.” My attention snapped back to Lee, and the blood that had been warming my body rushed to my face. “He knows every last answer on the damn thing, he just…”
“Just what?” Rylan looked back at Lee, but it didn’t stop my mind from wandering. I’d only seen him more serious once, when he was down on one knee, asking me to be his wife.
Lee wiped his hand down his face and muttered under his breath, “I shouldn’t be telling you this.”
“Telling me what?”
“He’s got anxiety about taking tests. Affected him his whole life. He warned me when I hired him. But he’s a good kid. Smart as they come. He’s just shit at taking tests.”
“What can we do?” For one brief moment, Rylan’s gaze swept over me, and that warmth was there again, stealing my focus.
“This mean you’re sticking around?”
Rylan broke into the biggest smile and raised his hands to his sides, almost touching me in the process. “I’m here, ain’t I?”
Lee shook his head, and I’m pretty sure he rolled his eyes. “Need you to take Van and Kolton to a couple houses this week. Want both of them to walk through and see what kind of security we can install. These people, they’re money. And they’ve got friends.”
“So, schmooze them and get them to part with their money?” Rylan rubbed his hands together as he leaned forward in his chair. “You can count on me.”
“Dennis.” Lee shook his head again. Wiped his hand down his face.
Then he turned his emerald green eyes on me.
“Want you to work with Rylan on scheduling. I need both Van and Kolton at these places together with him. Neither of them has experience with this, but I have no doubt they’ll pick it up quick.”
“Of course.” I nodded and tugged my hair off my shoulders. “Anything else?”
“Reach out to that realtor and ask her to draw up the contract. I want to meet with her guys so we can discuss the floor plan you drew up and get moving on this thing. I’ll need you to help coordinate the buildout and the move as much as you can, ‘cause I…”
He shook his head and looked away.
“It’s okay. I’ll take care of it.”
“Know you will.” He pressed his lips together and tried to smile. “And I appreciate it.”
My lungs expanded on a breath which promptly deflated when Rylan swung his head toward me.
“You moving somewhere, boss?”
I froze in my place, unable to move while I was locked in his gaze.
“Looks that way.”
“Since when?”
There was nothing in the world that could make me want to be on the receiving end of Lee’s glare.
“Since you fuckin’ took off on me. Maybe if you hadn’t been away so long, you wouldn’t be out of the loop. I fuckin’ hope you got that out of your system. I need you around here.”
Rylan’s tongue darted out of his mouth to wet his lips. “What else did I miss?”
Our boss gestured toward me. “Joss. Finally hired Van Thaylor. Moving offices. Changing the company name. And Kelly?—”
He broke off, looking away as he covered his mouth with his hand. He shook his head and his big body seemed to shrink in front of my eyes.
Everything inside of me told me to go to Lee and give him a hug. My heart hurt for him, for the pain I could see so clearly on his face.
Without looking up, Lee said, “I can’t talk about this right now.” He turned away, leaving me feeling guilty as an uncomfortable sensation fluttered in my stomach.
“We’ll get out of your hair.” I stood, then gestured to Rylan to get the hell out of Lee’s office. He rose from his seat, and I wanted to push him out of my way so I could escape. “Let me know if there’s anything I can do for you.”
Out in the lobby, Rylan stopped me before I could return to my desk, his hands out but not close enough to touch me.
“What happened to Kelly?”
My jaw trembled as I lifted my gaze to meet his. “She disappeared. Walked out of her therapy appointment last week and hasn’t been seen since.”
Rylan pressed a hand to his chest as his face crumpled and he squeezed his eyes closed. “Any leads?”
I shook my head, but realized he couldn’t see me. “No. Lee’s been working around the clock trying to find her, but she’s just… gone.”
He wiped a hand over his jaw, then turned away, heading back to the chair he’d been sitting in earlier. When he propped his feet up on the table, all the anger I should have felt at his actions was nowhere to be found.
Not when the look on his face mirrored Lee’s.
I went back to my desk and worked through the list Lee had rattled off, the whole time feeling like I needed to say something. But I didn’t know what. I didn’t know how to bridge the gap between us. How to take away the pain I’d caused by disappearing from his life the way Kelly had disappeared last week.
Two and a half years, and only a stroke of luck brought me and Rylan back together.
Though I was pretty sure it was too late for us.
I only hoped that wasn’t true for Lee.
With my head buried in my computer and the floor plans for the new office space, I barely noticed that the day had slipped away. Rylan sat in silence, not once talking to me or looking my way. It wasn’t until Van came out of the back room that I realized how late it was.
“You ready to go?”
I cringed when I saw Rylan’s blue eyes peeking at me. “Yeah. Just let me shut this down.” I switched off my computer and grabbed my purse, then cringed again when Van stole my coat from the back of my chair and helped me put it on.
As Van ushered me out the front door, I swore the pain in Rylan’s eyes grew exponentially. And I hated it. I hated myself for causing him pain.
I hated that I didn’t know how to make it right.