Twenty-One
Notes on a postcard
Etched in forever
I’ll keep these words
For worse or for better
‘Postcard’ from Dreamers
To Secret Sender,
Please do not forgive your friend. If it’s important to you, they should have remembered.
Dear Secret Sender,
Your latest post worried me. It’s not about being the bigger person. Did your friend acknowledge what they did wrong?
Secret Sender,
GIRL cut out this toxic boy. And I can tell he’s a boy. Not revealing the gender was a sign of boy problems. And the best way to get out of boy problems, is to get rid of the boy.
Did you write this last one?’ I say to Kira, who’s peering over my shoulder to look at my inbox. It’s Monday and it’s filled up over the weekend.
‘No, but I kind of wish I had,’ she says. ‘They have a point.’
‘I didn’t realise I was going to receive so much unsolicited advice,’ I say. The messages don’t make me feel good. They don’t know the full story, and I can’t reply back with it, so it feels unfinished.
‘Not only that, you’ve managed to divide the school,’ says Faye. She holds out two badges in her palm. One says Team Sender and the other says Team Friend. ‘People are literally picking sides.’
‘People have too much time,’ I say, picking up the badges and throwing them into the bin.
‘It’s because Secret Sender doesn’t feel like a real person,’ says Kira. ‘This is the problem with anonymity. The person behind the mask feels less human.’
‘Hey, you’re the person who gave me the mask,’ I say. ‘And it’s fine. I can handle some unsolicited advice and some stupid merch.’
Just then Mia comes running up to us. Kira and Mia were in a lot of classes together during our GCSE years, and they bonded over the teachers mixing them up because their names sound similar, despite the fact they look nothing alike.
‘What’s going on?’ says Kira.
‘I need some advice, quick,’ says Mia, ‘and Farah and Tori are in Spanish class.’ Mia looks around.
‘It’s just that my friend – she’s my friend from when I was a Brownie, she doesn’t go here .
. .’ She pauses, collecting herself. ‘I found out there’s this story going around her school and it’s about a girl who mistook an “Around the World” dress-up theme and instead of coming as a specific place, they bought an inflatable Earth costume and couldn’t fit through any door of the church hall. ’
We all start laughing. ‘That is pretty funny,’ says Kira.
‘The person was me,’ hisses Mia. ‘I got confused about the “Around” part of “Around the World”. Anyway I told her not to tell anyone, and it turns out she has.’
‘Is it that big a deal?’ says Faye. ‘It was a while ago, no?’
‘Yes, but it’s hurtful because I told her not to tell anyone, and she did.’
‘Ah, so she betrayed your trust,’ says Kira. I narrow my eyes at the turn of phrase.
‘Exactly,’ says Mia. ‘And normally I would tell her how I feel or, you know, ignore her for a bit so she can tell I’m pissed, but the Secret Sender is saying we should all be bigger women!’
‘It sounds like you were pretty big in that globe costume,’ says Kira with a smile. ‘But seriously, that is rough. You know you can do what you want and not listen to the Secret Sender, right?’
Mia shakes her head. ‘I know,’ she says. ‘But I feel this girl knows something, you know? That we don’t. It’s why she’s so mysterious.’
‘Or,’ says Kira, ‘she could be a normal person.’
‘Yeah,’ I say. ‘You should do what’s right for you.’
‘Okay,’ says Mia, smoothing down her top. ‘Thanks, guys, I’ll think about it. I just needed to get it off my chest.’
After Mia walks off, Kira turns to me. ‘With great power comes great responsibility,’ she says.
‘That wasn’t a big deal,’ I say, rolling my eyes.
‘It starts with no big deals, then it ends up with your words doing some real damage,’ says Kira. ‘You’ve got to be careful.’
She’s right, I am a bit shaken at how Mia took the Secret Sender like gospel, not as some random thoughts I had. I look back at the emails in my inbox, and shut down the laptop.
‘I need to talk to you about something else.’
‘You’ve decided what course you want to do?’ says Kira excitedly.
‘No,’ I start, then I pause. ‘But I feel a bit better about it after talking to Ty.’
‘So you’re friends now?’ says Faye, raising an eyebrow.
‘No!’ I say instinctively, then immediately reconsider. ‘We’re friends, but friends who are constantly annoying one another.’
‘Sounds hot,’ says Kira, laughing and kicking her legs out.
‘It’s not like that,’ I insist. ‘I don’t like him like that.’
‘Girl, he’s hot,’ says Kira.
‘Yeah, are you blind?’ says Faye.
‘I don’t feel like that about him because—’ I cut myself off, and look at my two friends, waiting expectantly.
‘Because?’ says Faye, motioning her hand.
‘Because . . . because I like Ollie,’ I finally splutter out.
‘Still?’ says Kira.
‘What do you mean “still”?’ I say. Deep down I thought they knew, they’ve just never said it out loud before.
‘Selena, you’re so bad at expressing yourself sometimes – we’ve become experts at reading you,’ says Kira.
‘Yeah, we could tell you liked Ollie,’ says Faye. ‘But do you still like him after he’s been gone for so long?’
‘You have to tell us everything,’ says Kira, leaning forwards.
‘Of course I still like Ollie,’ I say, feeling a bit stung they hadn’t told me that they knew I liked him. ‘I’ve liked him for the past two years.’
‘Why didn’t you tell him then!’ says Faye. It’s one of the most animated I’ve seen her.
‘Because I’m afraid . . .’ Isn’t that obvious?
‘Of what?’ says Kira.
‘Rejection? What if he doesn’t feel the same?’ I say.
‘But you won’t know if you don’t try,’ says Kira, raising her hands in the air.
‘You don’t even like Ollie,’ I say, shaking my head.
‘No, I don’t. Mostly because I think he’s a presumptuous arse,’ says Kira. ‘But I like you. And I wish you had put yourself out there. You’ve been pining after him all these years and never told him how you feel!’
‘Okay, well I’m going to Manchester at the end of the month,’ I say, crossing my arms. Why does Kira have to always make me feel like I’ve done something wrong? It’s not like she’s so perfect.
‘So what,’ says Kira. ‘You’re going to go all the way to Manchester to win him back?’ She pauses. ‘Selena, I have to tell you this, but that is batshit. You can’t do that.’
‘Just a second ago you were telling me I need to put myself out there!’
‘Yeah, when he was living next door! Not when you have to trek across the country to do it.’
‘I think it sounds romantic,’ chips in Faye.
‘Ollie invited me,’ I say. ‘I’m going to Manchester because he invited me! It feels like we’re growing apart, but he’s still one of my best friends. My oldest friend. I’m not going to confess my undying love to him.’ I pause a beat. ‘Potentially.’
Kira and Faye exchange a look. ‘Okay,’ says Kira. ‘You have our full support.’
‘Yeah, it makes total sense you want to see your friend,’ says Faye.
‘But think about what you’re going to do before you go,’ says Kira. ‘Hey, I’m in full support of you telling that waste-of-space you have feelings so you can get it off your chest, but I don’t want you to do it in a way where you get hurt.’
‘I’ll be fine,’ I say. ‘Even if he rejects me, he won’t hurt me. It’s Ollie!’ I look at the National Rail site on my phone. ‘What’s more at risk of hurting me is the cost of these train tickets! How does anyone ever afford to go to Manchester?’