Thirty-Five
When the moment shatters
It leaves shards of what could have been
What would have been
If we had stayed there
‘Shatter’ from Roses
Why do you love photography so much?’ I say, as we’re walking around an old museum. Ty is taking photos of all the architecture, I’m peering at artefacts in glass boxes.
We are crouched under a huge arch, where Ty is kneeling down, trying to fit the grand staircase into view.
‘I like capturing the moment.’ He pauses, flicks through the photos he’s taken.
Readjusts himself and tries again. ‘There’s so much .
. . I don’t want to say beauty, because it’s not only that.
You capture the essence of what’s happening with a photograph.
And there’s so much to it, the skill, the technique.
I feel I’m constantly getting better at it.
I’m nowhere near pro level, but I can see myself getting better. ’
‘You’re really good at it,’ I say softly, looking at the photo on his screen. The staircase looks dramatic from the natural light coming from the window in the arch above us.
‘Go, get on it,’ he says.
‘What?’
‘I want to take a portrait of you,’ he says. ‘It’s your birthday after all.’
I go to remove the tiara and sash, but he touches my hand. ‘Keep it on, I want to capture this day as it is.’
I walk to stand on the staircase.
‘How should I model for you?’ I say, striking a pose with my hand on my hip. He laughs and takes a photo, and I keep moving, throwing my arms and legs out in unnatural shapes, much to the amusement of tourists walking by us.
‘Okay, enough,’ he says, laughing. ‘I think I’ve captured enough of the Selena Pia catwalk show.’ He walks towards me, sits down on the step. ‘Talk to me,’ he says. ‘I want to capture you.’
I feel very self-conscious, looking at him with his camera to his face. It’s like I’m trying to see into his eyes, via the camera.
‘What should I talk to you about?’ I say.
‘Are you excited for the newspaper experience?’ he says. ‘Selena the journalist.’
‘I’m excited to learn more,’ I say slowly. ‘The last time I did work experience, I was mostly helping the council with admin and it was really boring. I’m excited to see what a job like this could be like. If I could write forever.’
I look above, into the dome above us. Seriously – dome, staircase, arches, this architecture really is wild.
‘Kira always says there’s got to be something bigger than this. Than the life we’re currently living. But the life I live has always felt enough, you know? I can’t imagine what bigger would look like. But I’m hoping this work experience gets me there.’
‘I think I got it,’ says Ty, who I hadn’t realised has stood up. He shows me the pictures on his camera. There I am, bathed in a soft glow, looking up.
‘I’ll print this for you,’ he says. ‘So you can remember to think bigger.’
‘I love it,’ I say, touching the screen.
‘I told you, photography is about capturing the moment. That’s all I did here.’ I catch his eye, and he smiles at me, and in that second, I don’t want this moment to end.
***
We go to a bar. It’s the first time I’ve ever legally bought alcohol.
I hand over my ID, almost nervously to the bartender, after Ty orders two glasses of champagne.
We managed to find it at the back of the menu.
I don’t think it’s the average order of this bar with its sticky menus and drinks offers, but Ty insists.
‘Happy birthday,’ she says, after looking at it and giving it back to me. ‘Although with all the stuff you’re wearing, I had already guessed.’
‘I really should take this off,’ I say, touching the tiara, after she leaves.
‘It’s part of the day,’ says Ty. ‘You’re going to have to keep it on. What would Kira say?’
‘I’ve been hiding myself too much and I should let myself go a bit more?’ I touch my chin and pretend to think about it. ‘You’re right, I should keep the tiara on.’
The bartender brings over the champagne.
‘Hey,’ Ty says, lifting up his glass. ‘To turning eighteen.’
‘To both of us turning eighteen,’ I say, clinking my glass against his.
‘How do you feel about it? Turning eighteen?’
‘Well, this morning I was feeling a bit anticlimactic about it, as it was feeling like a normal day, but now it’s a bit more than that.
’ He laughs as I signal around the bar. ‘But I don’t feel like an adult.
I don’t feel any different to yesterday.
And somehow now I can legally do all these things like drink and vote and leave home, all from one day? ’
‘What is adulthood anyway?’ says Ty, rubbing his face. ‘I thought being eighteen would be some great relief from my parents, now I’m finally an adult, my opinions would matter more. But I still feel they have the same amount of say as I did when I was a kid.’
‘Ty, your opinions do matter,’ I say. ‘Being a legal adult doesn’t change that.’
‘My parents have always given this vibe of “when you’re older you’ll understand” . . . and I’ve kept getting older and the goalposts keep moving.’
‘Why are you so afraid of him?’ I say softly. I say him, because I think there’s one parent in Ty’s mind that he’s talking about.
Ty sips again at his champagne. ‘Because I want his approval,’ he says, shaking his head. ‘How messed up is that? All Daze and I want is for him to see us. To feel we’re enough.’
‘I don’t think it’s messed up wanting your dad to care about what you care about,’ I say. ‘I don’t know how I would feel if I didn’t have Mum’s support.’
‘Your mom seems great.’
‘She is,’ I say, nodding. ‘Which is why I find the idea of leaving her so hard. She’s supported me my whole life. It’s just always been me and her. And we only see my grandparents maybe once a year, if that.’
‘Do you know what happened? Why doesn’t she see them that much? My mum is still calling my grandma all the time and there’s an eight-hour time difference!’
‘She doesn’t really talk about it . . . and I guess I’ve never really asked. It’s the way it’s always been.’
‘Then how do you know how she really feels if you’ve never talked to her about it?’
I exhale. ‘I have a hard time with . . . I don’t want to upset people, you know. So it feels safer to keep things to myself, not to rock the boat. It’s why the Secret Sender has been so good for me. For once I can really express myself, no catches.’
Ty touches my hand. ‘I know what you mean about not wanting to rock the boat,’ he says.
I look at his hand over mine, he looks down and then starts to withdraw it, but I grab it back, so we’re now holding hands on the table. The electricity is unbearable, the air feels thick. We make eye contact and I can’t turn away.
I move closer to him, so our faces are inches apart. ‘But sometimes you have to take the leap,’ I say.
I look at him, and in my head there’s nothing else, there’s no concerns, no worries, just this moment.
Then I lean up and kiss him.
Ty kisses me back, letting go of my hand, and wrapping his arms around my waist, his hands pressing on the small of my back. I feel electricity that’s been building up between us explode, firecrackers through my whole body.
The moment between us is shattered by my phone vibrating loudly in front of us. Ollie’s name pops up. I glance down at it. Ty also looks, removes his hand from my face.
‘I’ll quickly check what it says,’ I say, opening up my messages.
‘Ollie’s train is a bit delayed, but he will be at the party,’ I say, avoiding Ty’s eyes.
‘Cool,’ is all Ty says, and I feel the guilt rise and fall in me. ‘I’m glad he can make it for you.’
I want to go back to before Ollie’s text, but the moment has passed.
‘Look, Ty—’
Ty holds up his hand. ‘It’s your birthday – let’s talk about it tomorrow. We’re celebrating today.’ He clinks his glass against mine again, and I exhale. For now we can pretend nothing has happened.
But do I want to?