Thirty-Six
Anticipation, can you feel it?
The moment before
Our hearts start racing
‘Anticipation’ from The Brink of Teenage Freedom
It’s so cool your mum is allowing us to have drinks,’ says Kira, twisting open the screwtop on a bottle of wine. I don’t mention it’s because Mum thinks there’s only five people coming. Close friends. If she knew the truth, maybe she wouldn’t have been so generous with the wine she’s left us.
‘Don’t go too wild,’ I say. Now we’re here, I feel excited but also anxious about the lie. Nobody could turn up, I remind myself. But would that be worse?
‘Oh, I’m going wild, baby,’ says Kira, pouring some wine into a cup. ‘What’s the point of being at an illicit house party if not to get a bit loose.’
The anxiety returns.
‘I’m looking forward to this,’ laughs Faye, sipping her Diet Coke.
Right now, it’s just the three of us, but I’ve invited more people from school to come over.
‘Faye, are you sure I can’t tempt you?’ says Kira, waving the wine bottle.
‘Although you are dressed like a devil, not now,’ says Faye.
She isn’t wrong, Kira is wearing a scarlet sequined dress and is by far the brightest thing in the room.
I’ve changed into my gold dress with a halterneck, and Faye has made her own outfit: a floaty blue dress, which I cannot imagine how she constructed.
Faye is not drinking. I’ve seen her take sips, but she likes ‘the clarity of a mind untainted’. She said she would at the toast we’re going to do later, and I told her no sweat. Kira, on the other hand, seems determined to get more than a toast glass into Faye.
I take a sip of the wine. It’s less nice than the champagne I had earlier with Ty. We didn’t talk about the kiss at all, like it never happened. But it did and I can feel it on my lips. He said he would still come by tonight.
‘Selena, Selena!’ says Kira.
‘Yeah, what?’ I say, coming back to reality.
‘You’ve gulped half that glass down already!’ she says. ‘Are you okay?’
‘Sorry, my mind is elsewhere,’ I say, as the doorbell rings.
‘I’ll get it,’ says Faye. ‘Otherwise you’re going to be getting the door all night and it’s your birthday.’
Kira looks at me pityingly. ‘Is it because Ollie isn’t here yet?’
I want to say no, but instead I say, ‘Yes. I miss him. We’ve basically done every birthday together since we were born.’ I feel another surge of guilt. I haven’t really thought about Ollie all day. Our traditions, how we’ve always spent my birthday together. I was too distracted by being with Ty.
It’s not a lie, just not what I was thinking of.
‘After you spent the whole day with Ty?’ says Kira, elbowing me. Damn, how does she know me so well.
‘It’s not like that,’ I say, looking away from her.
‘Really?’ she says.
‘We’re friends,’ I say. ‘It’s all cool.’
Kira shakes her head. ‘I can’t believe how many boys you’ve got all over you. I don’t know when a boy will even speak to me.’
‘Tori’s boyfriend is bringing a couple of friends, you’ll talk to them tonight,’ I say.
‘I can’t believe that Tori has a boyfriend and I do not,’ says Kira, waving her glass around. ‘We’re both nerdy girls. I even have a good dress sense.’ She gestures around her body.
‘You’ve not met anyone yet,’ I say.
‘And nor will I ever, while my parents have me under constant house arrest. This is why I need to go to university.’
‘University might not solve all your problems, you know.’
‘Neither will staying here.’
‘Guys, don’t argue,’ says Faye, coming up to us. From behind her I see a group of girls from school: Christina, who’s in my History class, and her friends Anushka and Jenny.
‘We’re not arguing,’ says Kira, quickly. ‘It’s Selena’s birthday. And on that note, I’m going to get more wine.’ She waves her cup at me. ‘Want anything?’
‘I’m good,’ I say as the three girls come up to greet me.
I’ve seen Kira drink before, and normally she becomes an extra version of herself: fun, outgoing, loud. But something is different tonight; it feels like a dark cloud is hanging over her.
‘What’s up with her?’ I say to Faye.
‘I think Kira is being Kira,’ says Faye, shaking her head. ‘Don’t worry about it.’
Soon the rest of my guests start to filter in, and I don’t feel so bad.
This is manageable. There’s maybe fifteen people here, max, but our house can hold them.
And everyone is being very respectful. Mostly because it’s twelve girls and three boyfriends hanging out.
Including Mia who keeps barking at her boyfriend not to touch anything, which I very much appreciate, as I couldn’t take any of the art down.
I’ve put the most valuable items upstairs, but there’s a bunch of heavy stuff I couldn’t carry, so I stuffed it into a cupboard in the living room. It includes vases and statues and I’m scared the cupboard might collapse under the weight.
There’s low key chatting, drinks being poured, I feel very grown up.
Maybe this is what being eighteen is about.
The only people I’m waiting on are Ty, Ollie and Tori and her boyfriend, who texted me to say they’re running late.
The doorbell goes and I rush over, it must be Ty. Part of me is worried he’s going to bail after our kiss. That he wouldn’t want to face me. I’m not even sure I want to face him, but my desire for him to be here outweighs that.
I open the door, and Ollie smiles at me.