23. Hollis
“You’re deliberately hurting your submissive.”
Javi’s words from the other day hit like a freight train. As do Emilio’s. “Master taught me that I’m more than my submission. I think perhaps you’ve forgotten that at some point.”
The thing is? I didn’t forget. How could I when the greatest gift of all was getting the puppy—my Puppy—to trust me with everything he is?
Failure.
Bile works its way up and I choke on it. Falling to my knees, I reach for the trash can and lean over it. The acid burns my throat and nose. There’s been nothing in my stomach but coffee since…fuck if I know anymore.
We’ve been trying to take turns eating with Roman and Lio, to make sure Roman actually eats, but fuck if I remember eating anything more than whatever baked good was shoved in my hand at some point or another.
Fucking hell. Even the baked goods are a reminder of my failure.
“You walk past him like you don’t even see him. You block every attempt he makes to talk to you.”
The need to make it all go away, the promise of physical pain to drown out the soul-crushing emotional pain, is so fucking tempting. Except, I gave up my knives. I placed my trust in Connor’s hands, and what? Expect it all to just go away?
No. I know better. I know I need to want it for the meds, the therapy, the fucking promise of being stronger than I currently am, to work.
How can anything work when you can’t even keep the Boy you love happy?
Strong arms encase me from behind, and I try to break out of his grip.
“No,” I whisper. Then louder, “No!”
“Shh. I got you, Hol.”
I shake violently, but Tennant doesn’t let me go, always so willing to put himself at risk for the sake of others.
A sob escapes my throat, but no tears fall. Not that I deserve to cry. No, the numbness spreading through me is the least I deserve for letting down, not only Emilio, but every single person who ever put their trust in me.
I’m not worthy of being an Owner, let alone a lover to someone as amazing as the man currently holding me together.
“You need to go see Lio,” I tell him, my voice trembling as badly as my body.
“He’s the reason I’m here, Tesoro,” Ten replies.
I flinch.
“What happened?”
I shake my head and Tennant grabs my chin, forcing my gaze to meet his in a bruising grip. “What. Happened, Hol?”
“You’re going to hate me.”
“Never. I love you too much for that.”
I stare at him with wide eyes, and Tennant rolls his own. “I’m blaming fucking Benjamin for that. He’s got me feeling things.”
I laugh, even though there's nothing funny about the situation we’re in. “I…I love you too, Ten. So fucking much. You’re my soul. It’s…it’s why I know you’ll hate me. As you should. Because I fucked up. I fucked up so badly.”
“What. Happened?” His tone drops, and the danger that enters his voice is one that would spark fear in most people.
I close my eyes, soaking in the fire in those icy eyes of his, and the promise of violence in his voice. Some small part of me wants this to be my end. I wouldn’t mind it. Then I can't cause more damage to the people I love.
“I hurt Emilio,” I whisper. “Not physically, but that probably would have gone over better. I… He wanted to talk. He asked me to speak to Sandro. To…give him reassurance about his place. He fucking begged me, Ten.” I open my eyes, meeting his hard gaze.
“He begged me and I pushed him away. I…I said things I shouldn’t have, and I exerted my control in a way I would have condemned Allesandro for.
I’m a fucking hypocrite, and Emilio’s finally had enough. ”
“He left you.”
I shrug and shake my head at the same time. “He might as well have. He…he walked out the door because he knows he deserves better. I don’t blame him one bit.”
“You’ve always had heavy-handed control, Hol.”
I shake my head. “Not like this. I…I don’t feel right in my own skin anymore, Ten.”
Concern bleeds into the hardness in his gaze, and I hate that I’m making him worry enough to shows in his expression.
“So, what are you going to do about it, Hollis? You’re not one to let something like this go. You love Emilio, I know you do. You wouldn’t have touched him if you didn’t want him. You wouldn’t have dragged us all through this if you didn’t believe it was worth it.”
I bang my fists on his chest and he doesn’t even flinch. “Don’t you see? You’re following someone who can’t be trusted.”
Another sob works its way out of my throat and I double over, clutching Ten’s shirt in my hands. “You can’t trust me. Not with you, or Roman, or Jude, and certainly not with Lio and Sandro.”
He lifts my face to his again. “If you really believe that, I’ll go. I’ll leave you here on this floor. Fuck, I’ll even give you a knife and let you do whatever you want.”
The arm around my waist loosens and then falls away, and he pushes my hands off him as he stands.
Hot. Cold. Hot. Cold. Hot, hot, hot…
Everything inside me seems to freeze in fear, as even the thought of Tennant walking away from me sends me into a panic that's so bad I can’t fucking breathe.
No. No. No. Nononononono!
I can’t lose him. I can’t. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t!
“I’m going to walk out that door and away from you.”
“Breathe, Hol.”
The pain of being hit around the face has me gasping, and I blink. Tennant adjusts my crooked glasses, and we stare at each other.
“Don’t leave me,” I whisper. “Please… I won’t survive it.”
“Never, Tesoro. You’re mine. Fino al tuo ultimo respiro, e anche allora, non sfuggirai alla mia pretesa su di te.”
“How can you say that when I’m such a fucking failure? I failed at making sure Benjamin was right for you. I failed Lio and Allesandro. Hell, I even failed Roman. The only one I haven’t failed is Jude, but it’s only a matter of time before he gets tired of my claim on him.”
“Never, Hol. That will never happen. You’re the very heart of us. I don’t think you realize the power you hold over us all.”
“That’s the problem! I…I lost Emilio because of the power. Because I let my fear get the better of me.”
He shakes his head. “No, you haven’t lost him. He may have walked away, but we both know he only did that as a last resort. We know how it killed him to lose Sandro. He is only trying to fight for you and him, while protecting himself.”
“Can you go to him? Make sure he’s okay? I…I hate the idea of him being alone during this.”
“I will. But…I want to get you to Doc first.”
I shake my head.
“Yes, Hol. It…it’s time.”
“No. I…I have something to do first.” He goes to argue, but I press my fingers to his lips. “I need to…to speak to Sandro before I can go to Doc. If…if I’m going to move forward, I can’t go in there without doing this.”
“Hollis, it can wait.”
“No, it can’t. You and I both know, I can’t leave Lio in limbo. It’s unfair to the Boy who has given me everything.”
I can see the war in his eyes, the need to make sure I’m safe, while also knowing this needs to happen.
“Fine.” Ten stands again, this time reaching for me.
I let him lead me, keeping my head down so I don’t have to face anyone else. We stop at a door, and he hesitates, his gaze burning into my downturned head.
“Please, Ten.”
He opens the door and leads me inside. I look up enough to see we’re in the library. Sandro is sitting in one of the armchairs, seemingly lost in thought. When he sees us, he jumps up. “What happened?”
“I…I need to talk to you.” I straighten up as much as I can, though the weight of my failure makes me feel so fucking small.
“Do you want me to stay, Tesoro?”
I shake my head, looking at Tennant, my rock, the pillar who’s held me up for so many years now.
“No. I…no. Go check on the cucciolo. Please.”
He kisses me firmly. When he pulls back, he goes over to Allesandro, whispering something to him before planting a claiming kiss on him. “Call if you need me, Hol.”
I nod, but my focus is on the man standing just feet away.
His vivid blue eyes are wary, and his body language screams that he'd rather be anywhere but here. I don’t blame him one bit.
If the roles were reversed, I probably never would have stepped foot in the same house as him.
Not after all that’s been said and done.
“I’m assuming you talked to Emilio,” he says softly.
I bark out a harsh laugh, and wrap one arm around myself, clutching at my shirt to ignore the throbbing need to hurt myself. “More like he walked away from me.”
Sandro’s eyes widen. “I’m so sorry.”
I shake my head. “It was the right thing for him to do. I…failed. As an Owner, I fucking failed, and these are the consequences of my actions.”
“He loves you. He’s loved you for a very long time now.”
“But love isn’t always enough, is it?” I ask quietly. “After all, you loved him when you raped him.”
He takes a stumbling step, as if I struck him. “You’re right. I did. And I’m paying my penance. I lost.” Those bright blue eyes burn into mine. “You were right all along. I lost the game before it’d even begun.”
The reminder of our conversation in his office from what feels like a lifetime ago flashes through my mind. “If, at any moment, you even think about crossing a line, I’ll kill you. There will be no warnings.”
“You shouldn’t have trusted me with him.” The trembling is back. “You should have killed me before I lost all respect in your eyes.”
“I still respect you, Hollis. At least, the man I knew you to be. The one I know you are when you’re with those you love. I would make similar choices, if the roles were reversed. Emilio’s safety has always been my priority. I told you that.”
I nod. “You did. And I fucked that all up when I failed you.” The tears that didn’t come before now flow freely, leaving my face wet and sticky, and the lump in my throat makes me feel as if I’m speaking through glass.
“I’m the one that did the unthinkable. I proved I’ve always been the villain, so how could you have failed?”
“You’re Ten’s,” I say simply. “As rights go, I should have claimed you too. I should have let you know you were safe with me—from me. Hell, I should have let you go the moment I gave you Lio back.”