15. Bella
Chapter fifteen
Bella
I don’t want this evening to end.
When I’m with Aaron, all my outside pressures seem to slip away. I feel more energized, more like myself.
He’s wonderful to be with.
And that’s what makes him so dangerous.
After dinner, we walk back to the apartment I share with Ellen. I dawdle, wanting this night to go on longer.
“When I spend time with you, it’s easy to forget about everything else,” I tell him.
One of his brows raises. “You mean work?”
I shake my head. “I mean how recently things ended with Steven. How I need to take things slow and figure out who I am.”
Aaron laughs. “So I do need to keep my distance, then?”
“When I am not with you, it’s easy to forget why I shouldn’t spend time with you,” I answer, shaking my head. “I’m quite the conundrum. I need to figure out who I am, but when I’m with you, I feel more like myself than I ever have before.”
His expression grows serious. “Am I projecting onto you?”
I bump his arm with mine. “No. No, this feels too easy and right to be something you’re putting on me. I am a little worried I’m draining you, though.”
“I don’t feel drained.”
I hesitate at the door to the building. Ellen is supposed to be out with Mike, but she should be home soon.
I don’t want to end this evening with Aaron, not when I feel so light and free with him.
“Do you want to come up to the apartment until Ellen gets back?” I ask, a bit bashfully.
Aaron glances up at the building. “I don’t think that is such a good idea, Bella. I want to take this slow, and I’m afraid right now I don’t know how to keep things only as friends.”
Gratitude sweeps through me. I love that he’s being open and honest with me about this.
I’m not used to being in this sort of situation, so I’m happy to be in it with him when he’s the sort of man who will be honest with me.
At the same time… “Well, we didn’t exactly say we had to only be friends. Only that we’re not dating.”
Aaron softly chuckles as a smirk worms its way over his face. “If we’re not dating, doesn’t that mean we’re friends?”
“Friends… or maybe casually seeing each other? Not that you should come up,” I add quickly. “But…”
Aaron waits. “But?”
But we’re trying to be honest here, right? I take a deep breath. “But even if we’re not dating and we want to take this slow, maybe a kiss goodnight is still possible?”
“Are you sure?” Aaron asks, his voice low.
I nod.
He steps in closer. One of his arms wraps around my waist, and the other cups my cheek. When he kisses me, he kisses me at the corner of my mouth. Not full on the lips.
My knees go weak all the same.
It’s a good thing he didn’t kiss my lips.
Otherwise, all thoughts of taking it slow would disappear.
“Thank you,” I say, feeling oddly awkward. “Maybe we can get together tomorrow to talk more about the dance? I’d love to actually help with something.”
I feel as though I’m floating as I head upstairs.
To my surprise, Ellen is at home. She’s wearing a cute, pink PJ set and watching TV.
“I thought you were out,” I say in surprise. “It’s a good thing Aaron didn’t come up.”
Ellen dives for the remote and pauses her show. “You were with Aaron?”
My cheeks grow warm as I clear my throat. “We went for a walk and dinner.”
“And you invited him up?” Ellen clasps her hands together. “Does that mean you two are together now?”
“No. We talked it over and we’re going to keep things at a not-dating stage for the time being,” I admit. I hang my purse up near the door and then collapse onto the sofa next to Ellen. “We had quite the talk about it all. When I’m with him, things seem to be so straightforward.”
Ellen chews her lip.
“What?” I demand, on guard now.
She averts her gaze. “It’s nothing.”
“No, it’s not nothing,” I insist. “What’s going on?”
Ellen shrugs. “I just don’t think I’ve ever seen you like this. And I think maybe… maybe you actually have feelings for him, but you don’t want to admit them because of everything with Steven.”
I run my hand over my eyes. “It’s not fair to lay all the blame on Steven, you know. He might not have been a good partner, but I ignored the warning signs.”
Ellen’s expression is doubtful.
“I don’t want to talk about him, anyway,” I say quickly. “About Aaron. I do think that I have… feelings for him. I’m not exactly steadfast when I do try to create boundaries. And that’s a problem, I think. I’m worried I might be sending him mixed signals.”
Like telling him I'm not interested in a relationship, then practically sending him a formal invitation to kiss me
I shake my head. “We never really talked about you two together. Was he a good boyfriend?”
Ellen nods. “He was fantastic. Busy, for sure, and he didn’t always have the time for me that I thought I deserved. But he was always very clear about the commitments he had.”
He’s been clear with me on that front, too. He’s not in a place where he wants a committed relationship, either.
“Aaron is a great guy. He’s everything I wanted. Charming, witty, friendly, and caring. He’s easy on the eyes, too.” Ellen chuckles.
“That he really is,” I sigh, picturing his bright smile and those abs that look like they were sculpted by a Renaissance artist. “Honestly, he could read me the phone book and I’d still swoon.”
“The breaking point with us was that we didn’t have a spark. If we had, we could have seen it through.” Ellen hesitates. “That’s not to say he’s perfect. Some things annoyed me.”
“Like what?”
“How busy he was, for one. And he often ended up distracted when we were out if anyone else looked like they needed help. He’d step in and ask if he could do anything.” Ellen laughs softly. “I know that sounds selfish.”
I didn’t think so. “If he was prioritizing strangers over you, I can see why that would be frustrating.”
“It was.” Ellen shakes her head. “He stopped when I asked him to, but I could always tell when he noticed something.”
I chew my lip. “Do you think he sees me as a hardship case? Someone to be rescued?”
“No. I don’t think he sees you that way,” Ellen answered.
I pull my knees to my chest. “There’s just so much I’m uncertain about. I don’t know if I’m the sort of woman who can be in a committed relationship.”
“You can’t base your understanding of yourself on what happened with Steven,” Ellen says.
“It’s not about Steven. I told Aaron that I want to keep things casual until I figure out who I am…but I don’t know if I really don’t know who I am, or if what I feel with him is real, or if I’m just fundamentally messed up,” I confess.
Ellen takes my hands in hers, her gaze softening.
“Even when I say I need time, I’m not sure if it’s what I really want, or if it’s just what I think I should do,” I continue. My thoughts are tying themselves into knots again.
“I can’t help you with all that,” Ellen says softly. “You could do worse than take a chance on Aaron. But you also deserve to take the time to sort things out.”
I’m fighting back tears as Ellen pulls me in for a mamma bear hug.
“You have a lot going on,” she says. “I’d hate to see you get hurt by rushing into things. Better to move slow than too fast, Bella.”