17. Bella
Chapter seventeen
Bella
Usually, when I design, I focus on women’s apparel.
Today, after spending hours upon hours working on these dresses for Imogen’s show, I’m inspired by thoughts of Aaron for my designs.
Some people find success in a niche. Me, I like to have a varied portfolio.
I kick my feet into the air, lying on my stomach on my bed. My hands are smudged with pencil as I sketch a suit onto the male form in my book.
A form that may or may not be inspired by the broad shoulders and muscular arms of a certain kissing friend of mine.
My timer goes off. I grab my phone and hesitate.
It’s time for me to stop sketching and be done for the night. I have another long day ahead of me tomorrow. I need to be able to take time to relax and rest at night, otherwise, I won’t sleep.
Of course, I could just forget about all that and keep working.
I need every second I have if I’m going to produce something worthwhile.
With a groan, I shut my sketchbook and roll off my bed. I learned long ago that I do better work by taking breaks, rather than trying to fill every second of my day with work.
The only way I’ll be able to force myself to have a break is to get out of the apartment.
Ellen is having a romantic night with Mike—the details of which I’m sure she’ll want to share when she gets home.
However, she told me not to wait up for her.
I can’t wait and hope she gets back soon.
Besides, as lovely as it would be to do something with Ellen, there’s only one person I want to be with.
I bite my lip as I fiddle with my phone. Is it fair for me to call him? It’s pretty late. He probably has practice tomorrow…
“The worst he can do is say no,” I decide aloud.
I pull up his contact and hit the call button.
After a few rings, Aaron answers.
“Hey, Bella. Something up?” he asks, sounding concerned.
“I need to get out of the apartment and thought maybe you’d like to catch a movie with me,” I answer.
I catch myself twining my finger around a tendril of hair. Ugh! Am I trying out for the role of awkward teenager? Next thing you know, I’ll be scribbling his name in a heart on my notebook.
“If you can’t, that’s fine,” I add quickly. “I can call other friends.”
Like Imogen?
Nah, I’d probably just go by myself. Which is fine. I can spend time on my own.
“I’d love to catch a movie,” Aaron says, sounding eager. “I was getting bored anyway. Meet you at the theatre?”
“Sounds great!”
***
We arrive just in time to get tickets for the next showing of a fantasy movie. I’m not big into fantasy, but the trailers for this one have gorgeous costumes.
I lean over to Aaron as the opening previews play. “I hope you know that I don’t expect you to run over at the drop of a hat for me.”
Aaron shoots me a surprised look.
Why is he surprised? I called him fairly late in the day. Doesn’t he find it suspicious?
“I know you don’t expect me to drop everything,” he whispers back. “You invited me out, and I accepted because I wanted to. Fair’s fair, right?”
“Right.”
Aaron leans in closer as a particularly loud preview plays. The image is so dark I can barely make out anything on the screen.
“While we’re on the topic, though, there’s something I forgot to say the other day.”
My stomach clenches. Oh, no. What is it?
“Given our current non-labeled situation, I think it’s best if we agree that we both can see other people if the opportunity arises,” he whispers. “I want to make sure we’re both clear that there’s no expectation of exclusivity.”
Who does he want to see?
Jealousy rears its ugly head.
I bite down on the instinct to say no, that’s not acceptable. That I want more from this relationship than that.
It would, however, make me a raging hypocrite.
I don’t want to date you, but you’re not allowed to date anyone else.
Yeah, right.
I have no right to lay claim on him.
“You’re right,” I whisper back. “We’re both free to see other people.”
The previews switch off, and the movie starts. But in the dim light from the screen, I swear I see disappointment on Aaron’s face.
***
It’s nearly midnight when the movie is done. It was better than I expected, though probably not one I’ll watch again.
“Oh, Ellen sent a text,” I say, checking my phone as we leave the theatre. “She’s decided to stay overnight with Mike.”
I send a text back telling her to have fun.
“They seem to be quite happy with each other,” Aaron says.
“They are. I’m surprised that Ellen is already staying the night with him. She’s usually so cautious about the speed at which her relationships progress—it’s like she has a ‘slow and steady’ handbook,” I chuckle as we get to my car. “It seems Mike is making her throw caution to the wind.”
Aaron gives me a strange smile. Does he not approve of their relationship after all?
“I’m starved. You want to come to the apartment for something lite to eat?” I ask. “I’ll just end up ordering takeout if you don’t.”
He searches my face. “As a friend, right?”
I nod. “Just a friend.”
It’s a lie.
We’ll have the apartment to ourselves.
And I don’t want to spend the night alone.
Back at the apartment, I make a simple cheese board, and we sit in the living room, chatting about Mike and Ellen.
“Do you think they’re moving too fast?” I ask him, curious.
“I’m surprised by how quickly they’re moving,” he says slowly. “But I don’t think it’s my place to say if it’s too fast or not. I do know that they are both clear with each other about what they want.”
I lean my head back on the sofa, letting my hair fall back from my neck. “That’s true. I just hope she doesn’t rush things and move in with him as a way to give me more privacy.”
Aaron snorts. “Don’t worry about it. Ellen is great, but she’s not going to give you her apartment just for the sake of giving you her apartment. Are you having any problems?”
“No… I just worry that she might secretly be annoyed with me for not finding my own place yet,” I confess.
“I think you might worry about people having secret intentions too much,” Aaron says wisely.
A notification goes off on his phone. He grimaces at what he sees. “I hate to do this, but I’m going to have to end our chat. Coach wants us at the rink an hour earlier tomorrow.”
“That’s it?” I blurt out, surprised.
Aaron, who is standing, gives me a startled look. “What do you mean?”
“I mean… I thought you were going to make a move,” I say nervously.
“Why?”
“Because I thought you liked me.”
Aaron sinks back down, shaking his head slowly. “I do like you, Bella. But we already talked about this. We put down a boundary. Nothing more than kissing and invitations to the apartment as friends only.”
I open and close my mouth several times, trying to think of what to say.
“When we make boundaries, I want to keep those boundaries intact,” Aaron says slowly. “And changes to that must be discussed ahead of time. I’m not going to push.”
My cheeks flame and I duck my head. “Of course. I’m sorry.”
“I’ll text you tomorrow,” he says. He doesn’t sound angry but nor can I tell what’s going through his head.
He leaves, and I collapse on the sofa, humiliated. What did I do that for?
The answer is clear… and unpleasant.
The truth is, if I’d made such an agreement with Steven, he would have been putting his hands all over me the moment we were inside.
Every time I asked him for something specific, he somehow managed to do the opposite.
I often had to lie about what it was that I wanted, just so that I could get it.
And this is so not fair to Aaron.
He deserves better than me playing games, and being upset when he actually respects my words.
This is exactly why I need time. I need to heal from Steven and recognize the toxic patterns of behavior I’ve picked up.
I shake my head as I pull myself up.
“Maybe I need to talk to a neutral party,” I mutter.
The thought of therapy crosses my mind, but it makes me wince. I went to couples counseling with Steven. It only made things worse.
Maybe we didn’t have the right person?
Or maybe it was because neither of us went for the right reasons?
Either way, the idea of doing all the work and spending the time finding a counselor only to have a repeat performance?
No. I can’t do that.
I send a message to Aaron. Sorry about that.
But even after I brush my teeth and braid my hair, it’s still unread.
My stomach ties itself into knots. Have I just ruined everything?