18. Aaron
Chapter eighteen
Aaron
Bella yawns, and I pass her a cup of coffee.
“Thanks,” she mutters, leaning back in her chair.
I watch her worriedly. Though I appreciate the help she’s providing with the Castleton charity, considering how busy she is with her own commitments, I worry she’s stretching herself too thin.
“Have you been sleeping?” I ask, frowning at the dark circles beneath her eyes.
She waves her hand dismissively. “The dance and Imogen’s show are only a week away. I can sleep afterward.”
“You need sleep now, too, though.”
She gives me a reassuring smile. “I’m fine. Don’t worry about it.”
I nod, though I don’t fully trust her words.
All the same, it’s important to me that I maintain my own personal boundaries—which means I will take her at her word.
“I was thinking, if you wanted, we could get some of your designs into the charity dance, too,” I say, folding my hands on the table.
Her eyes widen over the rim of the cup. “Um, what?”
“If you make the clothes, I’ll have people wear them,” I say.
She puts the cup down. “Uhhh… nope. Not happening. Great of you to suggest but no way.”
I’m surprised at how emphatic she is about this. “Why not? With all the high-profile guests, we’ll have reporters. It’s a way to get your name out there.”
“Because this is for Castleton, not me,” she bluffs, her cheeks going red.
Hmm. How far does this “take her at her word” thing go? Because it’s obvious she’s not telling me the full truth here. I wrap my hand around her coffee, stopping her from drinking more.
“You putting some of your designs into play isn’t going to take away from Castleton.” I study her. “Is this one of those false modesty situations?”
“No, it’s one of those imposter syndrome situations. Let go of my coffee,” she complains.
I release the cup, but she doesn’t drink.
“What do you mean, imposter syndrome?” I ask.
Bella claps her hands to either side of her face and groans. “It’s like this. I know I can design. I know that they’re decent, too.”
“They’re amazing.”
“But you see, I’m a fraud who doesn’t know chiffon from linen, and I haven’t ever touched a sewing machine before, even though I’ve sewn over a hundred dresses.” gulps some coffee and grimaces. “I’m like the cloth-sellers in the Emperor’s new clothes.”
I have to fight not to laugh at her description. “I see. So the clothes that you’d make will disappear and leave everyone naked.”
“That’s exactly right,” she says, nodding.
“And what about the models in Imogen’s show?”
Bella shrugs. “They’ll be held together by Imogen being the most amazing designer in the entire world.”
“I see.”
She gives me a sheepish grin. “It sounds pretty stupid that way, doesn’t it?”
“No. I get it. Sometimes it’s hard to recognize our own strengths,” I offer. “But you’re going to have to fool yourself into believing in your own worth if you’re going to be a designer in your own right.”
“I knooooow,” she groans, hiding her face in her arms.
I laugh, resisting the urge to run my fingers through her hair.
“I’m prone to doubting myself,” she continues softly. “But… is it okay with you if I talk about Steven for a bit?”
“Yes,” I say, growing serious.
Bella chews her lip. “It’s okay if you don’t. It’s just that Ellen is biased and sometimes it’s hard for me to say what I actually want to say—”
“Bella. When I say something is okay, it’s okay. I’ll let you know if it gets to be too much.”
I give her an encouraging smile.
She lets out a sigh in a rush of air. “He was the opposite of encouraging, if I’m honest. At first, when I showed him my designs, he’d say they were boring or derivative. So I stopped showing him.”
“Why do I feel there’s a butt in here?” I shake my head. “Other than Steven.”
Bella’s brows pinch together. “What about Steven’s butt?”
“No, Steven is a butt. A donkey. A…” I gesture vaguely. “You know. A butt.”
She giggles. “Ah, I see where you’re going. Anyway, he used to steal my sketchbook and give me ‘feedback’ even when I asked him not to. He told me I was wasting my time on my stuff, and I should focus on being the best assistant I could.”
I want to say something, but I keep my mouth shut. I sense Bella just needs to say it aloud, rather than get feedback.
“It’s only now that I’m actually done with him that I’m starting to see just how bad it actually was between us. Not that I’m blameless.” Her gaze darkens.
I reach for her hand hesitantly. “Do you know what negging is?”
“A little, yeah. And I do think Steven did that. I just don’t feel like I can absolve myself. Even if there are reasons for why I did what I did. I feel like I need to forgive myself.”
“I don’t know about the details of your relationship, but I can tell you straight out that the way he treated you isn’t your fault,” I say at once.
She shakes her head. “I don’t know if I’m ready to hear that yet. It’s what Ellen tells me. But I feel like… I feel like maybe if it was someone else, not me, Steven might not have gotten to the point where he is.”
I want to tell her once more it’s not her fault, but I know that feelings aren’t always logical.
“I don’t know if I’m ever going to be able to fix my trust,” she confesses. “I’m so used to the person I should trust most being untrustworthy.”
“I’m sorry for what you went through. And I know you need time. But I will always be honest with you, Bella,” I say softly.
She smiles sadly. “And I know that. It might take a frustratingly long time for me to believe it, though.”
My heart aches for her.
Whether it’s all Steven’s fault or not, it certainly wasn’t a good relationship.
“That brings me to something else.” Bella folds her hands on the table and stares at them.
I wait for her to speak.
“It’s just that… well, in Castleton when you and Mike intervened, Ellen and I were basically stranded and in need of rescue.”
“Yes?” I prompt, wondering where’s she going with this.
Bella takes a deep breath. “You aren’t sticking around because you think I’m someone who needs to be rescued, are you? You don’t want to just be my hero?”
The question surprises me. “Of course not. Who said I did?”
“Nobody. But Ellen and I were talking the other night. She said that you always want to help people. Even strangers,” she says shyly. “And I already can see that myself. Like this charity dance.”
Ah. I nod slowly, considering my words. “It was a source of contention between us.”
Bella watches my face anxiously.
“I’ll admit, I like to be a hero,” I say. “I like to help people. But that’s not the reason I’m interested in you.”
“Are you sure? Because if it is, you’ll lose all interest if I ever manage to stand on my own feet again.”
I cross my fingers over my heart. “I promise. But to be completely honest… the reason I’m interested is because I want a relationship. With you. Not right now, but in the future.”
“I’m not ready.”
“Neither am I.” I give her a tight smile. “I have too many other things that I’m committed to right now. That’s why I wanted to make sure that you know I don’t expect anything from you. I want a relationship, but I can’t have one. That doesn’t mean you should wait for me.”
Bella lets out a soft breath.
“It might seem glamorous to be famous,” I continue. “But there is pressure, too. It’s not just about the training and the games. I need to be able to focus solely on finishing out my career before I get serious.”
“I understand what you mean. Hopefully, it will work for us to have the right timing in the future. But for now…”
“For now, friends,” I say.
Her eyes twinkle. “With kissing.”
My gaze drops to her lips. I find myself leaning in without even meaning to.
“With kissing,” I agree.
And we seal it with a kiss.