Chapter 17
Austin
My good fortune has to end soon. With Gray’s help, I’ve been able to contain the darkness and enjoy the morning with him. Gray’s the only person I’ve told who didn’t tell me I was either crazy or wrong.
I like Victoria, and she’s a professional, but that doesn’t make it easy.
For her sake, I break my no-clothes rule for the video call.
Gray thought I should wear my bathrobe, but that’s creepy.
My laptop is set up at my desk in the corner of my bedroom, and Victoria’s smiling face appears on screen as I decide how to reveal my biggest secret.
We recap our last session, and she asks the million-dollar question. “What led you to seek my help?”
She doesn’t say my answer last session was unsatisfactory, but it’s implied by asking again.
I tell her about how I hurt the hockey player and how my sister broke her arm, explaining that I felt overtaken and not in control of my decisions or myself.
“Has that happened recently?”
“Yes, and I’m afraid I’ll hurt someone again.” I’m so relieved she’s nonjudgmental that I’m lightheaded.
“Tell me about it.”
I freeze. “It wasn’t on the ice.”
We go back and forth while I figure out how to phrase the experience. “I started a new relationship, and it happened twice while we were intimate.”
“And this has never happened while being intimate before?” When I confirm, she asks, “Is there something different about this relationship?”
I wince, but she can’t help if she doesn’t know. “It’s with a man.”
“Oh.” She lets out a long breath as if she needs to recalibrate. “Any big change could spark it. Were you brought up in a conservative or liberal home? Sometimes we internalize beliefs we don’t hold, and feelings about issues take on a life of their own.”
“My parents were religious and fairly conservative. But they didn’t forbid my being friends with Grayson when he came out,” I unnecessarily defend my family, and my mouth drowns in sourness.
“It’s interesting that your mind immediately jumped to that. Is that something you were afraid of?”
I nod. My parents aren’t overtly bigoted or homophobic, but they speak about the natural order of things and how the Bible defines marriage as between a man and a woman. Their silence about my support of Gray and LGBTQ issues said so much.
She asks me very specific questions about my childhood, accidents, injuries, witnessing others who were seriously hurt or killed, and my exposure to abuse of all forms: physical, sexual, and emotional.
“Austin, honestly, my expertise is in how your experience affects your playing, and you seem to suffer from traumatic guilt. I’m not qualified to do a deep dive into healing trauma.”
“Traumatic? It’s not trauma.” I’m glad I’m sitting down.
“How about this? We’ll work on your understanding of the darkness and the root of your fear. Once we find strategies to manage it, I may refer you to another therapist to continue to work on things beyond my expertise. I won’t stop seeing you until you’re ready or have another therapist.”
“I can live with that.” She’ll see I’m not traumatized. I only need to lock up the darkness successfully, and I’ll be fine.
“Before our next session, think about your darkness as a part of you, not something outside of your control. See if you can identify any common circumstances or emotions surrounding the episodes.”
We disconnect, and I shed my clothes. We have hours left in our naked day, and I’m not wasting them.
“Gray,” I call, and hear him thunder down the hall. My bedroom door bursts open and bounces off the wall. “Hey”—I tackle him onto the bed—“we said no clothes today.”
“What’s wrong?” His hands and eyes roam over me. “Are you okay?”
“You worry too much. Get my robe off.” I wrestle him out of it.
“You yell, I worry.” He huffs and lets me fling the robe away. “It got cold out there without you to keep me warm.” Gray tugs me on top of him, resting his head on my pillow.
“Sorry,” I say sheepishly, though I’m not at all sorry to have his naked skin against mine.
“How did your session go?” He wraps a leg around my back, bringing our groins closer.
“Good. I told her I’m in a relationship with a man.” As I dip my head to kiss him, he stops me.
“That’s a huge deal. It’s your first coming-out. Are you okay with it?”
“Umm.” I pause because it didn’t seem that big. She’s bound by her oath not to talk about our sessions. “Fine?”
Gray groans and smacks the side of my head. “You don’t have any regrets?”
“I regret this conversation stopping us from doing other things.” I raise my eyebrows suggestively, kicking the covers away from us.
“Who knew going bi would make you a sex maniac?” He strums his fingers down my side, and I can’t hold back a laugh. “I’m happy if it truly wasn’t hard for you and honestly jealous it was so easy.”
“Telling her isn’t risky. The hard part will be keeping the darkness locked away.” I trace his widow’s peak and watch his brown eyes melt for me.
“What if we try something different? Things hiding in the dark have power, and bringing them to light takes away their ability to cause harm.” He rolls out from under me and rises while I sit against the headboard, then he straddles my legs.
“How?” I’m embarrassed and ashamed of so many of the things the dark side of me wants.
He bites his lip, and my thumb drags it from his teeth.
“We all have deep secret desires. Some doable and some loony.” He flushes.
“Don’t judge me, but I couldn’t get close enough to you and wished I could wear you as my skin.
So that’s like crazy-thought level. For obvious reasons, I can’t wear you, but I still crave being close to you. ”
“I wouldn’t mind.” I press our lips together and relax into our kiss.
“You say that like it wouldn’t be a heinous, gross act because we both know it won’t happen.
But I also want your teeth marks on me, and that is something that can happen.
” He stares into my eyes. “I told you my fleeting, insane thought. Now you tell me one of yours.” Gray sits back on my thighs, waiting.
My head buzzes, and the memory of sinking my teeth into his skin as I came turns me on and disgusts me in equal measure. But he said he liked it.
“You’re overthinking. Tell me one thing you’re desperate to do to me.”
“I want to redden your ass and fuck you like a rag doll,” I blurt out, and recover enough to say, “That’s in the loony category.”
“How would you make my ass red?” I’m so startled by the question that my mind goes blank, so he clarifies for me. “Would you use your hand, a paddle, a flogger, or something else?”
“I’d hurt you, and I’m not doing it.” Wicked thoughts of different possibilities take over, and I can barely breathe. I’ve never fantasized about using something other than my hand, but the flogger… I shut down my excitement.
“That’s a damn shame for both of us. We’d both enjoy it.” His forefinger traces the ripples in my abs, and my hard dick swells for attention. “Is this another case of your mouth lying and your body telling me the truth?” he asks slyly.
“I’m hard because you’re naked and touching me.” My chin lifts with childish defiance.
“Hmmm. Pity. I’ve never been with someone I trust enough, but a flogger has always interested me.” He doesn’t look away, and I swear the man can read my mind.
My cock is practically waving at him, following its own rules.
“Are you afraid because you think you’ll hurt me?”
I crush my eyes shut. “Yes,” I grit out through my clenched jaw.
“I trust you, but what if…” I open my eyes to see him shake his head. “Never mind.”
“Tell me,” I demand.
“It’s a terrible idea and won’t help you trust yourself. I was talking without thinking.” He smashes his lips into a thin line. “Sorry,” he says, the way we’d say it in Canada, “soar-ee.”
“If anyone should be sorry, it’s me. You made me tell you; now you tell me.”
Gray scoots closer and loops his arms around my neck.
I’ll never get enough of his sweet sensualness.
“The classic tactic of using my words against me. Fine.” He grins.
“What if I do the things to you first and show you what it would feel like, and then you can decide if you want to do it to me? Think of it as a trial before a recommendation. You’d never tell someone to eat a food you’ve never eaten. We’re sampling a menu.”
“You’ve got a sex menu in mind.” I slap his ass and love the cracking sound that echoes.
“I could whip one up for you.” He uses innuendo with an exaggerated wink to ease my tension.
“It might work. Do you know what you’re doing? I’ve never done anything like that before.”
“We have the internet.” He leans over for his phone and settles back down on my legs.
“What are you searching?” I’m impressed and also nervous.
“As far as I’ve seen, neither of us owns a flogger, so I’m searching ‘spanking for dummies’.” He types away with both thumbs.
“Is that a thing?” I will eat my tongue if it’s real.
“No, but the search leads to videos and a book about spanking. You choose the first video. We’ll watch two or three for different perspectives.” He hands me his phone.
We watch one and learn that some spankings are thuddy and some are sting-y. Learning is good. He starts the next video. I’m so grateful he thought of this. There are so many things that I assumed we’d use guesswork for, but this puts it in really easy terms and ways to communicate.
“Cool.” Gray closes the video as if it didn’t turn him upside down. “Still interested?”
“Yeah. But I’m unsure about pain levels. You?”
He tosses his phone and kisses me, soft and sweet, then bites my bottom lip. “Did you like the kissing and the bite?”
“Yes.” I sit taller so we’re chest to chest.
“We don’t have to know where our limits are. As long as we check in, we can find them together.”
His hard cock leaks on me, and I’m so ready for this. “Less talking. More action.”
“Hands and knees, Tinny, and no back talk.”
I shudder and get into position.
“You have the best ass I’ve ever seen.” He kneads it with his palms. “Meaty and muscular with soft skin.” Gray kisses the base of my spine, then peppers kisses all over my ass.
“I’m going to spank you, then you’re going to fuck me.
” He lands a stinging slap, and I jolt forward.
On the other side, his hand thuds. “You with me?”
I nod.
“I need your words, Tinny.”
“Keep going,” I beg.
He varies the blows in both position and strength while taking breaks to caress my heated skin. I never in a million years thought I’d enjoy it. Each strike liberates my mind from worry and overthinking, but it also gives me confidence in our connection.
I’m sure words are coming out of my mouth, but I don’t know what I’m saying.
At first, I tense up with anticipation, but my body surrenders and relaxes for Gray. There’s nothing to fear from him.
“Pain level?” Gray asks.
“Good,” I slur.
He chuckles. “Can you give me a number and if it’s close to your limit?”
“Don’t stop.”