16. JACOB
Chapter sixteen
JACOB
I hadn’t expected to have this much fun on the holidays with my new, makeshift family, but some how we managed to make it all work. While the good has come with some challenges, I’ve found myself focusing less on how things—especially my relationship with Allison—will affect me personally, and more on how it could change the dynamics of our family. At the same time, I've also had darker thoughts about what could happen if the uncontrollable factors lead to permanent damage for the people I care about.
I am unused to having to think so much about things like this—family and all that comes with it. My thoughts are usually more focused on planning and navigating combat, but this was no easier. When it came to a fight, although there were a multitude of factors that could affect our outcomes, the result usually boiled down to two options. We were either successful or not, which meant fear couldn’t get a grip on me no matter what the situation.
Raising a family brings its own set of fears, many of which are fueled by the cracks in my mind—cracks I didn't even realize existed until now. There's a constant fear that things could get worse.
That fear was the reason why, despite wanting to take things between us further and start something official with Allison, I couldn’t do it yet. Not right away, at least. Trying to start something so quickly could end badly.
I could scare her off if she actually got the chance to see all of me; the light and the shade.
Sleeping in the same bed only a couple of times had helped me because, on those few nights, I had somehow managed to keep the nightmares away. She hasn’t really seen the real me yet because she hasn’t seen the times I wake up in the middle of the night, reaching for my weapon beside me, and struggling for a few haunting seconds before I realize none of it is real. I’m not lying awake, staring at the ceiling, trapped in the stressful memories of my past. Or at least, I keep telling myself I’m not.
Stressful? That’s a word for it, I guess.
These memories are a never-ending loop of both the worst parts of the botched mission, and imagined nightmares featuring images of Emily. Luckily, they have never ruined my sleep on the nights Allie has slept next to me, but it is only a matter of time before my luck runs out and she has to see it.
I have to eventually tell her, if we are going to be together, and how I’m going to do all of that is not a pleasant line of thought. I would rather think of more enjoyable things.
I have restrained myself to just a couple of touches and glances so far, and I pressed an innocent kiss to her head every so often as I contemplated how best to navigate this position I have found myself in, and the role that comes with it.
My best bet is to slow it down, so I told Allie more about Micky and Pete, describing them as best as I could. “They are my friends, and my brothers at the same time—in all ways but one.” I told her while reminiscing on one of our more pleasant times together as a crew.
“And they might be a handful, but I'd like to have them over for Thanksgiving. And maybe this can be a family tradition Maddie will grow up with.”
My intentions had been to have them meet her in as informal a setting as possible, but instead of making her more relaxed, it has lit a fire under her and now she is planning to make it the best one in recent history. Sherry has declined our invitation in favor of spending it in her home with friends and family, so it is just the two of us setting it up.
Preparing for any of the holidays is always demanding and this is not any different. I can feel the strain as well as the expectations coming with it, but I decide not to put much thought into it—or at least I planned not to, but that has gotten taken out of my hands.
Fat chance of that at this point; this has taken so long. Jesus bleeding Christ!
A minute-long rundown over the list and alterations to be made in the event of some of the stuff being sold out, had somehow transformed into what was close to an hour-long breakdown on what to get and how to get it. Despite that, Allie looks and sounds too angelic for me to lose my patience.
Finally! I have an internal sigh of relief when she finally puts down the list, her review concluded.
“So that’s it. I’m sure that’s everything this time.” Her demeanor turns apologetic. “I would prefer you getting this tomorrow instead, but we need the turkey to defrost overnight before we can get anything done, and the best way to avoid the holiday rush and any other complications is to get it now.”
“Got it; that was the very first thing you put on the list. Is there anything else you want that isn’t already on the list?”
Like she has done a dozen times before, Allison snatches the list out of my hand to take another look at it. “No, no… I think that’s it.”
“Are you sure?” I ask her again just to be sure, going over this list another three times was not in my plans for the day.
“Yes.”
“Should I get anything for Maddie that isn’t already here?”
“No, I handled that the last time.”
Finally!
I don’t let any of my relief show because it might give her the idea that I’m happy with the list, and according to her thought process, if I’m happy with the list, then it means I understand it, and if I understand it, then something is obviously wrong with it.
“Okay. Now relax and let me handle this part.” I cut her off before she can go on another anxious bout of list checking. “It’s just Thanksgiving dinner, and they are just my friends, so this is just a family dinner. Okay?”
My words are getting the trick done, and she is much calmer after my reassurances.
“Okay. Family dinner. Got it.” She nods seriously, but the quick twist of her lips amuses me as I watch her visibly rein in her anxiety.
“Alright, baby.” I reach out to take a hold of her wrists. I use my grip to pull her close so I can drop a kiss on her lips and then another on her head, which has become our custom.
“Take care of Maddie while I’m gone, and if, for any reason, she’s too out of control for you to do that, then just use a tranquilizer.” I joke, certain it will draw a laugh out of her, and like most times she rewards me with a beautiful peal of laughter.
“Like that would even be enough,” she retorts in between giggles.
“I like seeing you with this smile.” I confess.
Ranking the list of things that would enamor me to a woman would have had far more materialistic things at the top of it a year ago, but now it is topped by genuine laughter. It is impossible for me to imagine a future with anyone if I didn't love to watch them laugh.
And now the only thing I can think of when I look at Allison like I am doing right now, is her smiling this way, amusement lighting up her green eyes and turning them from emeralds to jade flames.
When her cheeks pink in a light blush, I can’t help but tease her just a little bit more. “And this one, too. I like this smile too; this little shy one you get when I compliment you.”
She lunges at me with her fists, lightly batting against my chest as she protests. “I don’t have a shy smile. And even if I did, you’re the one causing it with your corny dad jokes. I can’t help but laugh at your poor attempts at humor.”
“Whoa, whoa! Back up. My dad jokes are wonderful for one. Maddie agrees. Don’t you, princess?” I ask, but Maddie is too preoccupied with trying to maneuver her way out of her chair to pay me any attention. “Okay, Maddie may be distracted but it doesn’t mean anything. She’s not a very good witness either, so I’m ignoring her right now.”
Allison cackles in response, and that exact look on her face slows down the world around us until it is just the two of us. “You hear that Maddie? He’s denying you.”
“All lies.” I promise Maddie offhandedly before turning my attention back to Allie. “And the second thing I wanted to say was, I am completely responsible for that smile, so I will keep on telling as many jokes as I need to make you do it. Do you understand me, sweetheart?”
I doubt if she is paying attention to me, because her look is momentarily one of distraction for a split second before it diverges into the one I recognize. I notice her lingering gaze on my bottom lip. She nods distractedly, and the notion that I can do that to her—drive her to distraction this way—is worth all the cleaning I have done today.
“I’ll be home soon,” I promise, before I head out.
Maddison aka ‘Princess Maddie’ is regally sitting in the chair when I walk to her. I place a kiss on the top of her head and leave to get all the shopping done.
The parking lot is nuts when I get there. I remind myself several times that Allison is a very good co-parent, and also a very good kisser. I make my way inside, relying on the mental discipline I developed in the SEALs to block out the chaos around me.
Seeing a familiar face in the middle of a convenience store is unusual to me, because I haven’t seen one person I've known intimately very well in the whole time I have been back
When Emily and I moved here for a fresh start, and even after we had both gotten settled in our homes here—Emily having a much easier time of this than me—I hadn’t made lasting connections with anyone here on purpose. I didn’t want any reunions and it meant I had a good chance of not meeting anyone significant from my past. Until now.
Standing under the fluorescent lights, looking every inch the effortlessly flawless model in front of a photographer's lens, waiting to be captured—there is Naomi. The fluorescent lighting doesn’t wash all the color from her hair and complexion like it would most people, and even though I can’t see her gray eyes from this distance, she is a hundred percent recognizable.
Naomi.
The woman I was going to marry if things had gone just a little bit differently and I had made a different choice so long ago.
I consider the options I have. On the one hand I can go all the way around a couple of shelves and avoid the aisle she is in, or I can walk up to her and ask her what she is doing here. This is the last place I would have expected to see her—especially after how we ended things.
No. I have to leave before she sees me, I decide, accepting at this moment that discretion is the much better part of valor for now.
I don’t know why fleeing is the first thing on my mind to do, but I don’t bother to investigate my thought process. I turn my attention back to my cart, readjust my grip on it, and head in the opposite direction to Naomi.
If I can get my stuff checked out, I can leave before she sees me. I hope, but fate decides that this is the best time to screw me over.
“Jakey!”
Sherry? I think, but the voice is different from the only person allowed to call me that. When I don’t immediately see a shuck of gray hair, I know that who I’m looking for is the only other person who calls me that.
Janice.
The fact that she manages to spot me and call my name before I can see her is the exact sort of thing that would have me put my men through another ten sets of reps for their lapse in concentration, but this time I’m the one who has lost sight of my environment. Unforgivable, and costly, in my line of work.
Now that I recognize the voice, the volume with which she calls me is enough to pick her out of the aisles immediately. She is coming in my direction with a large smile on her face.
Of all days? I ask the universe plaintively. Janice is nice, but the risk of Naomi catching a glimpse of me increases with every second I spend with her.
“Hi. Hello Janice. Fancy meeting you here. I’m sorry I have to go, I’m in a bit of a hurry.” I rush out as I push the trolley in the direction of the checkout counter.
“Me too. I'm keeping someone waiting.” She calls out to me as she continues on her way, scanning the aisles in search of who she came with.
“Okay. Hope you see them soon.” I tell her as I hurry along without waiting for any response from her.
I make my way to the counter and quickly scan everything so it can be bagged, and when I have finished I choose the nearest exit.
There is no reason why I should be afraid of seeing Naomi. I’m definitely not afraid. I remind myself. We ended everything sadly, but not on a bad note. And besides, I’m sure she’s moved on now, and I’m old news.
I am a couple feet from the door when I see them again and this time there’s no hiding to be done. Naomi and Janice, hand in hand, are heading to the counter I am just leaving.
“Hello, Jacob.” Naomi greets me warmly, and seeing her is enough to bring a lot of memories to the forefront of my mind—the good and the bad—but I elect to bury them deep rather than letting them sweep me away.
“Naomi, what are you doing back here?”
“I should be asking you that question, but I can make a guess. It’s been a thousand years, Jacob. What are you doing here?”
“Jakey…Jacob. Naomi is my cousin. You know each other?” Janice’s face is frozen in shock at the realization that I share a past with Naomi and her family knows me, too.
“Yes, we do.” I say shortly.
Naomi cocks her head. “Jacob is a friend from way back. And I guess we share another connection now too.”
I feel uncomfortable. “Have you taken it as a challenge and stealing Sherry from me wasn’t enough?”
Janice smiles. Naomi looks between us. I hate that after all these years, I know what that look means. She’s calculating how much Janice and I know each other—how jealous she should be.
“And it’s nice to see you, Naomi. I’m here because I live here now.”
Her eyebrows rise, climbing all the way to her hairline. “You, Jacob. You are settling down? That’s a shock to say the least.”
“Yeah. He has a kid and everything.”
Thank you very much Janice.
The surprise that was limited to her eyebrows is now shown all over her face. “A kid?”
“Long story.” This is neither the time nor place to talk about it or any of the situations leading up to this.
“I want to hear this story, Jake. I need to.” Her tone is pleading, but this might as well be a demand from Naomi. Out of anyone else in my life, she deserves an explanation for why I am now building a family when I couldn’t do it for her.
I realize she thinks I had a kid with another woman after rejecting the same offer of a home and family from her, with me swearing up and down it had nothing to do with her. I would not leave the navy for her, but here I was, doing the same thing with another woman.
“I’ll… uh… go get the drinks,” Janice says, looking between us. Naomi doesn’t even look away from me.
“I’m sorry to hear about Emily, Jake,” she says softly as soon as we’re alone.
I flinch, though of course she would have heard. Small town after all.
“How are you hanging in there? God! I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you.”
“I’m okay.” I say.
Naomi smiles kindly, though she does look like her eyes are filling with tears. I really don’t want to have to comfort my ex-girlfriend about my own grief, but I guess I’m glad she’s sorry about it.
“I’m sorry I didn’t come,” she says softly.
I look down, sniffing. “Yeah, it’s okay.” I say with a shrug. “I get it.”
“I just thought you wouldn’t want….”
“It’s okay.”
Naomi nods. She looks up at me, eyes wide and vulnerable. I hate that the instinct I have is to apologize.
“So a kid?” she asks.
“Emily’s,” I murmur. Her eyes widen in surprise. “Mine now, though.”
“What’s the kid’s name?”
I can’t help it. I pull out my phone, flipping it over so she can see my home screen—Maddie, wearing her Halloween costume. She’s dressed like a bumblebee.
“Maddison,” I say. “Maddie.”
“She’s beautiful,” Naomi whispers. I can see a sort of longing on her face. It almost breaks my heart. “Do you have help taking care of her?”
“Yeah I do. Tons of help. I have someone who is with her most of the time. Her godmother.”
I don’t know why I don’t tell her that Allison is living with me as well, but the moment has passed, and bringing it up now would be all shades of weird.
“I’m glad to hear that. None of this is easy for you, I know that, but some selfish part of me can’t help but wish that you had reached out to me the moment you needed help.”
I hadn’t even thought about Naomi in the midst of everything that happened after Emily’s accident, but I’m not a big enough fool to tell her that.
“Aside from the fact that I didn’t think you would even want to see me, I wouldn’t call you out of the blue just because I needed your help for something. That would be completely messed up for me to do.”
“Why would…” She starts to protest but I cut her off before she can get a full head of steam going.
“The reason why it’s messed up is because you’re the kind of person to drop everything and come running. But I wouldn’t burden you with all of this Naomi. My conscience wouldn’t let me.”
Silence follows my words as she thinks about what I have said and it seems like I might have gotten through to her. “Okay. I can understand. I’m glad little Maddison has an uncle like you and a godmother who is there for her, too.”
Another long pause is followed by a question. “Can I come and see her, at least?”
Her question throws me for a loop before I realize she’s asking to see Maddie, not Allison. I know I have to discuss it with Allison before she can come and see her.
“Not right now because we already have plans, including ones for Thanksgiving, but we can work something out soon. How about this? Let’s exchange contacts so we can stay in touch. When the time is right, we’ll set something up.” I hand her the phone, and after a brief moment, we swap numbers. It feels like a small step, but it’s the beginning of clearing up this mess. “I will call you when it’s a good time to come see her.”
“I’ll be waiting for that call.” She promises, but I know giving her the chance to meet Maddie because she wants to might come with complications, especially because of Allie. So she was just coming to see Maddie. Just that. “This is confusing in a lot of ways Jake.”
“Sorry, what is confusing?”
“You. Settling down and everything else you’re doing now.” She starts, and with a sinking feeling I can already guess what she is thinking. “We didn’t work out because you weren’t ready to do that yet. The whole family thing wasn’t something you wanted then, but things have changed now, haven’t they?”
I know what she is talking about. When it was clear that I wasn’t ready to start a family, even though she wanted one, we had decided that it would be best to split up. Somehow it had turned full circle and I was the one starting a family now.
“I mean, I get that it’s different,” she adds hastily, eyes huge as she worries that she’s upset me. “But I—I just mean—well, it’s a shock, that’s all.”
I nod.
She looks at me hopefully.
I realize Naomi is probing lightly to see if the fact I’m having to raise a family now means that we could get back together, and do it with each other. If things were different, if I didn’t have Allie in my life, then maybe I would be doing it now, and giving her the family she always wanted.
“I know. But more than one thing has changed, Naomi.” I feel nervous, anxious, even, to say something—like it’ll jinx something. Despite being together in almost every way that matters, we haven’t actually had a conversation about how things have changed between us. But… I still say the words. “I have met someone, now.”
Calling Allison my ‘someone’ is definitely going to rub Naomi the wrong way, but I can’t lie to her or lead her on when I know that she won’t be able to fill that position in my life. Not anymore.
When I think of someone next to me as I raise Maddie, the only thing that goes through my mind is images and flashes of eyes like green fire and a temperament to match.
“The godmother?” Naomi has always been unnervingly perceptive and it is no different now. “I’m ready to fight for it if that’s what it takes?”
This isn’t a sitcom. There’s no way ‘a fight for my heart’ can end well.
A small part of me—the proud and self-absorbed part—is happy to bask in the attention of having people ready to do what it takes to be with me, but the more rational part of my brain reminds me that these ‘competitors’ are beautiful and wonderful women who should never have to get hurt because of me. They are selfless, and the worst thing I can do is play with their hearts or lead them on.
“That sounds like something from television.” I say to her. She can find the humor in it too, because she lets out a laugh. “I’m serious. This isn’t a movie. This is real life and I don’t want you hurt in any way because of this. I don’t want you fighting for me, Naomi.”
“That is my choice...”
“But not a choice I’m going to entertain.” I declare, cutting her off again before she can finish. “I don’t want you fighting for me. It’s just not worth it... so many things have changed.”
“I’m here now, and I’m not giving up.”
I let out a sigh of complete exasperation because I don’t know how to get through to her. I also can’t be harsh with her because it is really none of her fault. I was the prick who didn’t want to have a family with her; the only reason we ended things.
“You didn’t even know I was back home before yesterday, Naomi.”
“That’s not my fault. That’s all on you because I didn’t have a clue about how to call or see you.”
“How’s this? You can come over eventually and spend time with Maddie, and that’s all I can offer right now. Just remember, it’s only to see Maddie.”
“I’ll take that.”
The ‘for now’ is unspoken but I can hear it clearly. “Goodbye, Naomi.”
“Goodbye, Jake. See you then.” She turns, presumably going to find Janice.
I drag my hand down my face in exhaustion, ready for the day to come to an end right now. I finish shopping as quickly as I can, thankfully not running into Janice or Naomi again.
Who knew dealing with a perfectly reasonable ex could still be this exhausting? I wonder, feeling sorry for all the poor souls out there who have it much harder than I do.
When I make it home, Allison is still making her lists. But Maddie is freshly bathed and seems happily fed, so I know better than to joke that she “hasn’t moved.”
She helps me unload the groceries, eyeing me with a concerned look.
“Alright,” she says with a sigh when the last of the food is put away. She turns to me with her hands on her hips. “Out with it?”
“Out with what?” I try.
She shakes her head. “What happened?”
I open my mouth to dismiss this, but I know where that leads—Allison, up all night over thinking, and me feeling damn guilty over something stupid.
So I sigh and lean against the fridge, crossing my arms. “I ran into someone. An old friend.”
“I didn’t think you had any friends that weren’t in the navy.”
“Touché.”
“No, really. I didn’t know you had anyone here that you knew from before. We have been living together for a while now, I would have seen them already.”
She has a good point, and I have to give it to her. “True. She is Janice’s cousin. You remember Janice, the women I met on my run?”
Her rolling eyes are enough to answer.
“Yeah, very mature,” I say, but then continue, “Anyway, she’s someone I know from way back, before my last couple of missions, and I ran into her and Janice.” I debate telling her the rest of it. On the one hand, there is really no need for her to know exactly what Naomi was to me, but on the other, I wouldn’t like to be blindsided with information like this, so I won’t do the same to her.
“Was it… a bad interaction?” She frowns, clearly confused.
I sigh, giving in.
“We used to be involved. I mean, we used to date and things were pretty serious for a while before I had to leave.” I decided to leave out the marriage plans for now, which never panned out.
“Okay. Does this person have a name?”
“Naomi.”
“That’s a beautiful name. So, can I ask what you and Naomi are to each other now?”
Her question is light and unassuming, but with the tension in her jaw, I can tell it bothers her.
“Nothing but friends. I mean, barely. I haven’t seen her in years. I ran into her at the store with Janice and we exchanged contacts. She wants to see Maddie and that’s something I wanted to talk about with you first. To see if you were okay with it.”
“Why wouldn’t I be okay with it?”
Her tone is still as light as before, but anyone with eyes can see that she isn’t pleased by this.
“I’m asking because you are her godmother,” I say immediately. Disappointment flashes across Allison’s face. I hesitate, uncertain. Her vulnerable expression lingers with me, so I push my nerves aside and close my eyes. “And also because if the case was reversed, I would like to know if I would be seeing your ex, so I could decide if I would even want to be there.”
Just the thought of having to meet her ex in this same situation is enough to have my blood boiling already, and if her breathing is any indication, Allie is feeling the same way.
“Jacob…”
“I know what it sounds like, but trust me, it’s just a visit to see Maddie. She knew Emily for a while so that’s where this is coming from.”
She doesn’t give me a comprehensive answer, settling for a short nod, and it’s all the answer I’m going to get.