Chapter 44
Edgar
Acold breeze sweeps across my skin, beckoning my eyes to open. It’s blurry at first, but I recognize the stones above me as the ones in the infirmary. How did I get here? My mind takes a few minutes to catch up and once it does I sit up abruptly, wincing at the pain in my abdomen as I look to either side of me.
I’m alone and it’s dark.
I glance down at my hands, eyes widening as the gap in my memory fills in.
My left hand is wrapped in bandages, but it appears thinner than the other. What happened back at the portal? I look to the other beds but I’m the only one here. My chest sinks.
The others didn’t make it.
My knees curl up to my chest and I wrap my arms around them tightly. This isn’t real. It can’t be. It’s not true.
We never should have entered the basement portal. I fist my hair tightly, pulling the strands violently between my fingers. Hot tears stream from my eyes and burn my cheeks until the sensation vanishes just below my cheekbones.
I flinch. What?
I loosen my grip on my hair and let my fingers glide down my face. Now that I think about it, I can’t feel anything past my cheekbones.
Am I numb? No—that isn’t it.
My eyes widen further as my fingertips trace the hard, bony surface where my lips are supposed to be. No longer are they soft and fleshy. I spread my hands over the front of my face and a strangled sound escapes from my throat as I realize my entire jaw and upper row of teeth are nothing but cold bone.
I freeze and hesitate, letting my eyes fall back to my left hand.
“No,” I murmur in a pained, ghastly voice that’s not my own. I don’t recognize anything about myself anymore. I stay focused on my hand, knowing what I’ll find beneath the gauze and bandages.
I work the wrapping off and raise my hand to the dim moonlight.
Bone, dry underlying muscles, and tendons. A shudder runs through me, deep and rotten. A lump swells in my throat and I toss the blanket from my legs and inspect the rest of my body.
My legs are unscathed but my entire chest is wrapped, dry blood staining the fabric.
“This must be punishment. I’m the reason theyre dead.” I try speaking again and wince at the sound of my new voice. It’s raspy and eerie, just like Sully’s voice—like a Shadow’s.
I glance at my hand once more, closing and opening it. The fleshless arm still moves like normal. How is beyond me, but I can’t find the strength to think about my own circumstances while the deaths of my friends are still so raw.
A creaking sound wails through the infirmary and someone stalks across the stone floors. I glance over to my side reluctantly, not wishing for anyone to see me this way.
I meet Terra’s sullen eyes.
My expression softens. The last memory I have is of her kneeling by my side on Fernestian soil. She saved my life. She came to find me even after everything I’ve done to her.
“Edgar, you’re finally awake.” Her voice quivers. “I’m so sorry.” She wraps her arms around me and cries into my shoulder. I’m stunned for a moment because we left off on such bad terms. Tears pool in my eyes once more and I embrace her.
“Don’t be sorry. Thank you for coming for me.” I try to make my voice less eerie, to no avail. Terra flinches and pulls away to look at my face. It takes everything inside of me to not turn and hide. I know what she must think of me.
I’m a monster. Inside and out.
Her hands press against my cheek and she smiles weakly.
I’m shocked by her reaction, but then again, perhaps she’s seen my face many times already. I have no idea how much time has passed. “I’m so happy you can speak. I was so worried that you wouldn’t be able to,” she admits. A small breath of relief slips past her lips and I can’t help but wonder if I will ever smile again. If I will ever feel a sigh of relief escape my lips. I’m not sure what expression I can even wear anymore. I only have my eyes left. What do they reveal? I wonder.
“Did any of us survive—” I pause and clarify, “Besides me?”
Terra’s eyes warm only a fraction. “Yes. Aervin and Lucina are safe. They’ve been visiting you for the last few days.”
If I could gasp, I would. But only a grunt escapes my throat. “Thank gods.”
She nods and knits her brows. “We weren’t able to bring the others back… Elias wouldn’t let us return for their bodies.”
I stare at the floor and nod absently. It makes sense that they couldn’t, and from what I recall happening to them, there isn’t anything worth returning for.
Rowan’s fearful eyes swim in my memories and I clench my teeth. Without flesh to muffle it, the bone-clacking sound is chilling.
“It’s my fault they’re dead.” The guilt burns inside my chest, so painful and hot. It churns like a knife. Sully seems to thrive in the madness inside me.
Terra frowns, looking as if she’s contemplating something. She grabs my hand softly. “Elias didn’t want me to tell you this… but you can turn it off, Edgar.”
I stare at her dully, raising my brow just a bit.
“You can turn off your pain, the emotions that are eating away at you… It’s what I had to do to survive for a while. You can too, should you need it.” She presses a kiss on what’s left of my cheek and walks toward the door. “The second exam is in a few days. I think they expect you to participate in some way, but if I don’t see you before it starts—good luck.”
“Thanks, Terra. You too,” I say grimly, only thinking of what she said.
Corvus stops by early the next morning. I couldn’t sleep at all. Each time I closed my eyes, I was visited by my deceased friends, begging me to save them and bring them back. I woke in a cold sweat.
Corvus can’t bring himself to look at me. He’s the first person to treat me like a monster. He stands sideways, looking at the foot of my bed rather than anywhere in my general direction.
The act wounds my already defeated heart. I actually considered him a friend.
He only came to say one thing to me—something that carves a gaping hole in my soul. “You were supposed to protect them. I never would have agreed if I knew you couldn’t,” Corvus says, the words empty of emotion. I think it would hurt less if he was angry, but he says it just to salt my wounds. And then he leaves.
And it festers.
My bones wrench and twist as I fist my hand tightly on my lap.
I thought I could.