Chapter 14
Ryan
Dom seemed to sense some shift in me, and he pulled his foot back with a quiet sigh. “It was fine. Better than, even. I can’t believe he’s sober.”
“He’s worked hard to get there,” I said, tucking my feet beneath my seat in case Dom got any bright ideas. Or I did. “It’s not been easy for him.”
“So I heard. Heard you helped him stay there too.”
I shrugged, the tips of my ears burning. “I didn’t do a lot.”
“That’s not how he tells it,” Dom said quietly. “From what Frank said, he wouldn’t be sober if it wasn’t for you.”
“That’s not true.” I held Dom’s gaze. “He got sober for you. In the hope that, if you came back one day, he’d be worthy of your time. That was his reason.”
“But you’re the one who made him see that.” Dom put his fork down and leaned on his elbows. “Why’d you do it, Shadow?”
I flashed back to that morning. To the first dawn of my life without Dominic.
To the rage. The pain. The anguish. How I’d needed an outlet.
“Honestly? It was for selfish reasons. I was hurting that you’d left me and I needed someone to take it out on.
I knew he was one of the reasons behind you signing up, so I decided to let him know that. ”
“By punching him, I gather.” Dominic shook his head. “That was reckless, Ry. He could’ve hurt you.”
I nudged my plate to the side, no longer interested in eating either. “That would’ve required him being able to swing without falling over and aim correctly. Given he could barely stand up and was probably seeing two of me, I figured it was a risk worth taking.”
Dom bit his lip. “I get that part…but why stay in touch for all these years?”
My blood ran cold. “Contrary to what you might believe, it’s not hard to pick up the phone when you care about someone.”
His expression turned bleak. “Caring was never the problem.”
Then what was? That was what I wanted to say. To scream, if I were being honest. But that’d lead us straight back into dangerous territory. It was getting more tempting with each passing minute.
“Why did you care?” Dom asked. “That’s what I don’t understand.”
I thought about it for a moment. “Frank and I…we’re more similar than I realised at first. We were both hurting after you left. I think we helped each other.”
“Frank said almost the same thing, but do you know what he said when I asked him how he helped you?”
“Well, I’m not psychic, so no.”
Dom didn’t rise to my sarcastic tone. “He said I should ask you. That it was your story to tell.”
From his intense gaze, he wasn’t going to let this go. I sighed, putting my elbows on the table and resting my chin on my hands. “It’s honestly not that big of a deal.”
Dom’s eyes narrowed. “Why don’t you tell me, then I can decide if it’s a big deal or not.”
I worried at my lip with my teeth. “The night our A-Level results came in…I got drunk.”
“At a party?”
“Not really. Got invited to a few parties but I just couldn’t face it.”
Guilt mixed with regret on Dom’s face. “I’m sorry, Shadow.”
That had me wondering whether I should continue with this story. If he felt bad about that, it was about to get much worse.
Like he could tell what I was thinking, he tapped my shin with his foot. With my feet still tucked under the chair, it was all he could reach. “Tell me the rest.”
“I don’t think you want to hear it.”
“Try me.”
Fine. I took a deep breath. “I stole a bottle of Dad’s whisky. After a few swigs, I decided to go for a walk.”
“Where?”
His gaze was too intense. I looked at the table as I answered. “The bus stop. The chippy. Down past your house.”
There was a beat of silence, and then: “All the places you associated with me.”
“Apparently whisky made me nostalgic and melancholy back then.” I forced a light chuckle. “But not capable of good decisions. By the time I got to the bottom of the bottle, I was at the railway tracks.”
I didn’t need to look at Dom to know how tense he’d become.
“I don’t like where this is going.”
“It all ended fine, obviously.” I gestured at myself, alive and uninjured. Physically, at least. “Drunk me decided to take a nap on the tracks. Turns out rails don’t make very good pillows…especially if you misjudge how far away they are and slam your head into one.”
Dom’s chair scraped noisily across the floor. I jerked my head up to find him dropping into the seat next to mine. He pulled my chair so it faced his and cupped my face. Moisture shone in his eyes. “Shadow, what the fuck were you thinking?”
“I wasn’t,” I said, my voice cracking. “I was hurting, Dom. So fucking much. Everyone else was out celebrating their results, excited about the future. But me? All I knew was that you wouldn’t be in mine. I couldn’t cope with it. I just wanted the pain to go away for a few hours.”
“Oh, baby.” Dom tugged me forward until my knees were between his thighs. His arms encircled me, holding me tight. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. It kills me to know you were hurting. That I hurt you that much.”
His cheek brushed mine and my breath caught in my throat. Suddenly sadness wasn’t the main emotion I was feeling. It was enough to bring me back to reality.
Clearing my throat, I eased out of his arms and scooted my chair back to its original position. “It’s in the past.”
Dom’s jaw worked as his hands fisted on his thighs. My heart ached, knowing he was stopping himself reaching for me.
“What happened? Did someone find you?”
I gave him a weak smile. “Frank did.”
Dom jolted in surprise. “What?”
“He saw me walk past your house, swigging from the bottle, and decided to follow me. Good thing he did, really. When he realised I had a head injury, he called an ambulance.”
Dom’s skin paled. “You ended up in hospital?”
“Barely.” I waved a hand dismissively. “Just for twenty-four hours for monitoring.”
He winced. “You had a concussion.”
I gave him a weak smile. “I’ve learned to keep pillows nearby when drinking that much whisky now.”
“Jesus.” Dom pressed his hand to his face. “You’re fucking lucky there weren’t any trains that time of night. What if you hadn’t been found in time? What if Frank hadn’t seen you?”
Irritation pricked at me. “Well I was and he did.”
“You could’ve died, Ry. Died.”
Okay, the irritation was now full-blown anger. We’d literally just gone over why I’d done it. Why was he getting so pissed off now? “Don’t tell me you’re going to sit there and lecture me about putting my life in danger.”
“Of course I fucking am,” he snapped, his temper rising to match mine. “Christ. Do you realise what it would’ve done to me if I’d known? If I’d had to sit there, waiting for a call, knowing I couldn’t get to you? How fucking awful that would’ve been?”
I pushed my chair back slowly, getting to my feet.
“Yeah, Dom. I know exactly how that feels, as a matter of fact. Want to add in that, when it happened to you, I was hours away from home? That I drove like a bat out of hell to get back? That I held Frank’s hand while we waited for the phone to ring?
That I wasn’t even surprised to get the call, given I’d been waiting for it every damned day since you left? ”
Dom stood too, reaching out for me with a trembling hand. “Shit, Shadow. That was insensitive. I didn’t mean—”
“You have no right to lecture me.” I shoved my finger into his chest as I snarled at him.
“I was a broken-hearted teenager looking for an escape. You, on the other hand, willingly and knowingly put yourself into the line of fire. Quite literally, I might add. And not once did you think about how it’d be for me. ”
“That’s what upset you about Taff,” he said slowly, his eyes widening. “Because I put myself in danger to save him…because he had someone to come home to. You were angry because I had someone waiting too. I had you.”
“No.” I stepped back and shook my head. “You didn’t have me, Dom. I didn’t wait for you.”
“Then why were you angry?”
My mouth opened and closed as I searched for an answer. Why had I been so angry? Was it just because he’d been reckless with his life? Or something more? “I…I don’t know.”
“You were wrong about me not thinking about you,” he said in a low voice. “I thought about you every minute I was away. Every second. And as I tackled Taff out of the way, as I lay dying? You know what I thought about?”
“Stop.” I shook my head and held my hands up as if that might somehow stop the tidal wave threatening to drag me under. “We can’t do this, Dom.”
The expression on his face suggested otherwise. Silence stretched for a moment before I broke it with a sigh. “How did we get here, Dom? We were having a fairly calm conversation, and now, once again, we’re at each other’s throats.”
“Why don’t we sit?” Dom nodded at the table. “I’ll behave if you will.”
“I don’t know what it is about you,” I grumbled, dropping into my seat. “You just bring out the worst in me.”
His flinch had me wanting to take the words back.
“I don’t think that’s what it is. I think we get angry because it’s easier than dealing with the other emotions we’re feeling. For you, anyway.”
“I’m not feeling any other emotions.”
Dom chuckled. “Sure, Shadow.”
I tensed, waiting for him to push, but instead he asked me another question. “So that’s how Frank saved you—he found you and got you to hospital.”
“Partially. But it was more what he said the next day.”
Dom raised a brow. “He visited you in hospital?”
I gave him a wry smile. “No, he stayed overnight. Even my own dad didn’t bother to check in, but Frank? He waited until I got the all-clear.”
Dom rubbed a hand over his hair. “With anyone else, I’d be jealous as fuck. I’d be asking why he was able to do it for you, but not for me.”
“But you’re not?”
“No.” He smiled. “Because it’s you. And because I should’ve been there. If I had been, none of that would’ve happened.”
His lips turned down as a furrow formed between his brows. My fingers twitched on the table, aching to reach over and soothe him. I curled them into a fist. “He followed me because of you.”
“He did?”
“Yep. Said he knew I must be important to you, given the bollocking I’d dished out on your behalf. That if he let anything happen to me, he’d never get a chance to make things right.”
I wasn’t sure why I felt the urge to share that part.
“He was right,” Dom said roughly, rubbing his thumb over his bottom lip. “I never would’ve forgiven him.”
“There’s something else.” I cleared my throat. “In my drunken state…I accidentally outed you. Us. I’m sorry. If it helps, he’s never been a dick about it.”
“It’s fine.” Dom shrugged. “Besides, if he didn’t know about us before, the photos would’ve given us away.”
I smiled. “You saw them? The ones from sixth form?”
“I don’t even remember them being taken,” he confessed.
“Me either. Do you remember Josh? He tracked me down on Facebook and sent them over.”
“Course I remember him,” Dom said, picking up his fork. “How is he now?”
I followed his lead, picking up my own cutlery. The food was long cold now, but I barely noticed as we fell into conversation. Talking about old friends led to reminiscing about old times. Days I’d thought I’d forgotten, that I’d left behind me. That I wanted to leave behind me.
But the more Dom and I talked, the less certain I was about that decision.
When our plates were empty and night had fully fallen, I realised how long we’d been sat there. “I’d better get back and see what mischief Xander has got himself into.”
“He does seem like someone who needs a minder.” Dom smirked before giving me a softer smile. “This was nice, though. I’m glad you came over.”
“Me too,” I found myself saying. “I missed talking to you.”
Pain flickered over his face. “I missed you.”
He reached across the table, but I cleared my throat as I tucked my hands into my lap. “Maybe we can be friends. I’d like that.”
His hand stopped on the table as he stared at where mine had disappeared. “I don’t want to be your friend, Shadow.”
“Bit harsh,” I said feebly, trying to ease the tension. “I’m a fantastic friend.”
“I’m sure you are.” He looked up at my face. “But I want more than that, Ry. I always will.”
“I can’t give you more. This is all I have right now, Dom. It’s this or nothing.”
He thought about it for a second before shaking his head. “No.”
“What do you mean no?”
Dom shrugged, utterly calm. “I mean no. I don’t accept that.”
As fast as that, I was annoyed again. “You know I’m my own person, right? You can’t dictate how I feel.”
“I can’t,” he agreed, stretching his legs out under the table until his feet brushed against mine. “But seeing as you’re still in love with me, I don’t need to. I just need to wait until you wake up and realise it.”
“I’m leaving.” I got to my feet. “I’m not getting into this again, Dom. I don’t have the energy.”
He chuckled. “Don’t worry, Shadow, I have enough stamina for both of us.”