Chapter 15
Ryan
My evening with Dom was weighing on my mind as I walked into the bar I’d agreed to meet Max at. I was slightly late; not due to anything running over, but because I hadn’t been sure if I was going to show up.
I’d spent the last ten minutes pacing up and down a nearby alleyway, debating all the pros and cons of going through with this. Ultimately, it all boiled down to one thing.
Dominic had been brave and given Frank a chance.
I could do the same with Max.
You’re not the boy he once knew, I reminded myself as I pushed through the crowd. He can’t intimidate you now. You’re worth ten of him.
I wished I could believe it. But as I spotted him at a table in the back, I felt like that insecure kid again, chasing after Max and Dom. Praying that they might notice me.
Max was turning a glass around in his hands. When I drew nearer, his head snapped up. He hastily got to his feet and rounded the table. “You came.”
I nodded curtly. “Said I would.”
Max gave me a sad smile. “Wouldn’t have blamed you if you didn’t.”
He jerked forward like he was going to offer me a hug, but caught himself with a wince at the last moment. As my lips twitched, he gave me a rueful smile and rubbed the back of his neck. “Fuck, I’m terrible at this. Sorry. I’ve imagined it a million times, but now it’s here…”
There was something so vulnerable in that statement that it had me feeling something I’d never thought I would for Max.
Pity.
“Let’s sit down,” I said. “Looks like you’ve got the drinks in.”
“Remembered you like whisky now,” Max said, retaking his seat as I did the same. “At least, that’s what you were drinking at your stag do.”
I picked up the glass and took a sip. “Surprised you noticed.”
“I pay attention.” He blew out a long breath. “If I’d done the same ten years ago, maybe none of us would be in this mess.”
Guessed we were getting right to it. “Maybe not.”
“I’m sorry,” Max blurted out. “I have more I want to say, that I need to say. But I need to get that out early. Just in case you walk out before I’m done.”
I tilted my head. “You think there’s a chance of that happening?”
“Well, if the positions were reversed, I’d definitely walk out,” Max said darkly. “Probably wouldn’t have come in the first place. But you’ve always been the better of the two of us.”
I rolled my eyes. “Don’t get started on that shit again, Max. I’m not the golden child. I never was.”
“You were.” Max held up a hand as I started to protest. “You might not have been able to see it, but you were. Will you let me explain?”
Did I consider just getting up and leaving? Yes. But deep down, I knew Dominic was right. The two of us needed to have this out.
Even if it was just so I could put it in the past completely.
I nodded for him to continue.
“Okay, before I get into it, I want you to remember that these were the beliefs I held as a teenager who didn’t know any better.
” Max’s hands flexed around his glass. “I like to think I’ve grown up a bit since then.
I’ve had plenty of time to…reflect. To try and look at things through your eyes instead of my own. Dom helped a lot with that.”
I didn’t like it, the reminder that while I’d been left behind, the two of them had been together. “He did?”
“Helped might be the wrong word.” Max’s lips twisted in a wry smile. “Beat, yelled, and drilled the message home. Made me see just what I’d been missing when it came to the two of us.”
“Which was?”
“I truly believed that our parents loved you more,” Max said grimly. “I didn’t really notice it, not at first, but I think it started at secondary school. You were put into the top sets, and god, Mum was so fucking proud of you.”
I frowned. “You were only one set below, Max. She was just as proud of you.”
“That’s not how I saw it,” he muttered. “Everything became about you. Your academic success. Your art classes. It felt like you were doing everything right. Meanwhile, I couldn’t get anything right.”
I stared at him, sorting through my memories. Had it really been like that?
“I guess I felt…isolated,” he continued. “We’d always been a team, but we were drifting apart. You were the perfect son for Mum to brag about, and I was just…me.”
I took a sip of whisky, but it did nothing to settle my churning stomach. “We drifted apart because you met Dominic.”
“It started before that. For me, at least. Not being in the same classes as you, it had me questioning everything. My intelligence. My future plans. I convinced myself that you were judging me. That you thought you were better than me.”
“I never would have done that.”
“I know that now.” He sighed. “I might’ve been wrong about how our parents saw us, but I’m not wrong about you being a better person than me.”
I thought about Dom. The sheer fury I sometimes unleashed in his direction. Then my thoughts took a darker turn. To a place where I came not with my fiancée’s name on my lips, but my ex’s. Where I sat in his living room and silently wished for a different life.
“I wouldn’t be so sure about that,” I said finally. “I’m far from perfect.”
“Oh, obviously.” Max smirked over the lip of his glass. “You wouldn’t be in love with Dominic if you were. There must be some deep flaws lurking somewhere if he’s the one you’ve chosen.”
“I haven’t chosen him,” I said, my tone like ice. “And when I did, it didn’t last. You should remember, given the part you played.”
Max swallowed the last of his whisky then put the glass down with a click. “Believe me, Ryan, I haven’t forgotten. Not a single second of it.”
Suddenly, I wasn’t ready to hear his explanation. I needed more alcohol in my system first. “I’ll get us another round.”
Max protested that he could do it, but I was already out of my seat and striding for the bar. With each step I took, I willed my breathing to slow down. The last thing I wanted was for Max to see how much this was affecting me. Like Dom, he insisted he’d changed.
I wasn’t sure I could trust either of them.
By the time I’d been served and returned to the table, I was calm. My cool, confident mask was back in place. “Went for whisky again.”
“Can’t go wrong.” Max nodded in thanks.
“So you were jealous of me because you thought Mum and Dad preferred me,” I said abruptly, taking control of the conversation. “Is that why you replaced me with Dominic?”
He blinked at me before slowly lowering his glass. “Is that how you saw it?”
My nostrils flared. “How else was I meant to see it, Max? We went from doing everything together to you doing everything with him. Worse, when I tried to tag along, the two of you refused to include me.”
“Fuck.” Max rubbed the back of his neck again. “I know us being young idiots can only justify so much, but honestly? I didn’t want to share him.”
“He’s not a toy.”
“I know that, but…” Max exhaled in frustration. “I’d never had a friend of my own before. Someone who was just mine. Surely you must’ve understood that?”
“Maybe I would’ve if I’d actually made any friends of my own.”
Max ducked his head in shame. “About that… Ry, I’m sorry. I didn’t know how bad everything got. I was so caught up in my own bullshit, blinded by my own prejudices, that I completely missed what you were going through.”
I stiffened. “What are you talking about?”
“Dominic told me everything,” Max said.
My heart fell through my stomach. He had? I thought he’d said Max had guessed the truth.
Was he still lying to me?
“Shit, not about that,” Max said urgently. I wasn’t sure what expression he saw on my face, but it was enough to have his eyes widening in panic. “Ryan, he never told me anything about the two of you other than that you kissed after Amy’s party and were together. That’s it, I swear.”
I tapped my fingers on the table. “Then how did you know we slept together at the festival?”
“It was pretty obvious.” Max sighed. “The two of you could barely keep your hands off each other. You were normally pretty nauseating to be around, but that weekend took it to whole new heights. I knew that you’d…you know.”
“Why did you lie to me? Why did you make me think Dom had told you everything?”
“Honestly? Because I was a prick. A self-absorbed, narcissistic little prick.”
I choked on a sip of whisky. Whatever I’d been expecting Max to say, it hadn’t been that. “What?”
“I was a prick,” he repeated. “There’s really not a lot more to it.
Dominic and I had our plans. For one last summer together before setting out on our grand adventure.
Then, suddenly, you were everywhere. I had to go from being the centre of his world to someone who was just on the sidelines.
He’d been the one thing that was just mine, you know?
The one person who was in my corner. But then he was all about you.
Protecting you. Making you happy. Just like everyone else in our life. ”
My rage was almost palpable, but I managed to keep my voice steady. “That’s not how I remember it.”
“I know.” The corners of Max’s mouth turned down.
“Dominic has…corrected my assumptions over the years. Told me about the bullying too, which is what I was on about earlier. That alone has me fucking hating myself, but the rest… Fuck, Ryan. You’ll never know how sorry I am.
I’m just trying to explain where I was coming from at the time.
I know it was the wrong place, but I can’t change what I did. I can only explain and apologise.”
“And that was enough of a reason to break my heart?” I demanded hotly. “For you to take the person I was in love with away from me? In, might I add, the cruellest way you could manage?”
“I’m sorry.” He blinked away tears. “I thought it was a good enough reason back then, but like I said, I know better now. There’s no excusing what I did. Believe me, I regret it more than anything else. I hurt the two people I loved the most.”
Of everything he’d said, that threw me the most. “You loved me?”