Chapter 17 #2
I let out a disbelieving laugh. “No, everything’s not okay, Dom. I was meant to be getting a week away from…whatever this is. Instead, I’ve got you here.”
He wasn’t offended. “Cute that you think you would’ve been able to forget about me if I wasn’t here.”
“I’m used to doing it.”
“See, I think you’re trying to put me off,” Dom said easily. “But it’s having the opposite effect.”
“How?”
“Because you had to try to forget me. If I was easy to forget, you wouldn’t have needed to try. That tells me all I need to know.”
“Oh yeah? And what’s that?”
“That you still have feelings for me. That right there is the only important thing. The rest…it’s just details for us to work out.”
I closed my eyes. “Feelings were never the issue, Dom.”
“I know.” He squeezed my knee and my eyes flew open to find his gaze on me. “But feelings are the one thing that can’t be worked on. Everything else? That can.”
“You’re on a whole other level.” I nudged his hand off my knee. Didn’t make a difference—my skin was seared where he’d touched it, even with denim between us. “This is a terrible idea, Dom.”
“We’re a string of terrible ideas. Why change it now?”
I pinched the bridge of my nose and counted to ten. “I swear you do this shit to annoy me.”
“No, I do it because I’m in love with you.”
I jolted. “You can’t say things like that, Dom.”
“Really? Because I thought I just did.”
I blew out a breath. “This is so fucked up.”
“Stop overthinking. We’ve got a long drive ahead, so why don’t you find us some music to listen to?”
I grumbled as I picked up my phone again, opening it to the playlist I’d been building for me and Frank. A genius idea occurred to me. Dom thought feelings were important? Well, perhaps it was time I showed him exactly how he’d made me feel.
“Who knew there were that many songs about heartbreak and betrayal?” Dom said as we pulled into the services two hours later. “Some seriously angsty shit too. Is that really what you’re into?”
“Being trapped in a car with you inspired me,” I said sweetly. We fell into step as we headed to the services. “Especially with all your talk about feelings. Thought I’d remind you that there are many I experience when I think about you.”
To my surprise, Dominic just laughed. “Good.”
I stumbled to a stop. “Good?”
“Yep.” Dom stepped close, cupping the back of my neck and squeezing lightly. “It’s good that your feelings are complex and multifaceted. Mine are for you.”
My nostrils flared. “So you’re happy I suffered?”
His smile faded. “No, of course I’m fucking not, Shadow. But am I glad that you felt deeply enough for me that it felt like part of you was missing for years? Yes. I am. Because, selfishly, it tells me I still have a chance.”
“Stop saying that,” I snapped, shoving his arm away and putting a healthy amount of space between us. “We aren’t anything, Dom.”
“See, you keep saying that, but you’re forgetting something.”
“Oh yeah?” I sneered. “What’s that?”
“You love me,” he said simply. “You never stopped, no matter what you tried.”
I ground my teeth together. “That doesn’t mean anything.”
“On the contrary, Shadow. It means everything. You don’t see it now, but don’t worry. You will.”
I stormed away from him, ignoring the curious glances from passers-by. I didn’t give Dominic so much as a flicker of attention as we visited the toilets and grabbed coffee and food, before finally going back to the car.
To his credit, Dominic was completely unfazed by my behaviour. He just followed me around, smiling serenely and humming under his breath.
Prick.
“No cigarette break?”
I frowned at him. “What?”
“You didn’t smoke,” he said. “Haven’t seen you have one since your engagement party.”
I shifted on my feet, wishing he’d hurry up and unlock the car. “I don’t smoke all the time. Just when I’m…stressed.”
Dominic smirked, leaning on the top of the car. “Aw. Does that mean you’re feeling nice and relaxed?”
The glare I gave him promised murder.
“I’m just yanking your chain.” Dom winked, finally hitting the button to unlock the car. “I’m glad you’re not smoking. You were right when you said it’d kill me. I fucking hate that you’re doing it to yourself.”
I grunted as I got into the car. What more could I say? He was right. I loathed that I had the odd cigarette. It really was a disgusting habit.
Admitting that felt too much like telling him he was right though, so I just ignored him. At least, I tried to. My eyes betrayed me more often than I’d like. My nose too, inhaling greedily whenever there was a hint of Dom’s scent.
The first few notes of “Only Love Can Hurt Like This” by Paloma Faith filled the air as my phone auto connected to the Bluetooth. I slammed the off button, and the silence rang in the air.
“No more music?” Dominic asked innocently as he drove us back onto the motorway.
“No. We can sit in silence.”
“Doesn’t sound fun.”
“Good,” I said pettily, glaring out the window. “Be miserable.”
My head whipped around at Dom’s laugh. “Shadow, I’m next to you. It’s literally impossible for me to be miserable.”
I pressed my hand against my stomach like that might crush the butterflies inside. “Well, I’m miserable.”
“You’re annoyed,” Dom countered. “But that’s okay. Annoyed, I can work with.”
“Probably because you’re used to pissing everyone around you off.”
“Probably. Came with the territory of being sergeant. Can’t be in charge and please everyone.”
I dug my fingers into my thighs. Dominic knew exactly what he was doing, dropping a nugget like that. But I wasn’t falling for it. I wasn’t.
“You were a sergeant?”
Dom’s lips twitched. “Yep. Worked my way up through the ranks.”
All my knowledge of military ranks came from Xander, but I knew enough to know that what Dominic had achieved was impressive. “Doesn’t surprise me.”
“It doesn’t?”
“No,” I said softly, turning to watch the world racing by outside. “You’ve always been a leader, Dom. People flock to you, they always have.”
“Funny how there’s only one person who I care about being part of that flock.” At my scowl, he added, “No, it’s not Max. It’s always been you.”
I ground my teeth together. “You still left with him.”
Dom’s hand slipped away as his jaw tightened. “I thought you understood. That wasn’t about choosing Max over you. It was about choosing myself. Choosing to live. I would’ve done anything to keep you too.”
If that had been true, he wouldn’t have left early. He would’ve been there the next morning, ready to work things out with me.
Instead, he’d opted to spend his final two weeks of freedom with Max.
Suddenly, this was all too much. I couldn’t do this anymore, not in this tiny space. There wasn’t enough air. I needed a distraction. Anything to keep me calm. “Was Taff in your unit?”
Dominic seemed to understand what I needed. “Yeah. Him, Max, Mimic, and Raffle. We were all in the same unit.”
“What was that like?”
Dom considered his answer carefully. “Before we signed up, being in the same unit as Max was my greatest dream. Seeing the world together, working together, it was all I’d ever wanted.”
The age-old jealousy soured my gut.
“But when it happened?” Dom sighed. “It was far from ideal. After everything we went through that summer… Yeah. Having to see him day after day wasn’t ideal.”
“Because you were pissed off with him?”
“Pissed off doesn’t begin to cover it,” Dom said darkly. “And yeah, that was part of it. But it was more because it was him.”
My nose wrinkled. “I don’t understand.”
Dom glanced at me, then reached over to lightly touch my cheek. “Do you have any idea what it was like for me? To see the face of someone I loved on a person I was angry with? To wake up every morning, and for a split second, think you were with me? It was hell, Shadow.”
He drew his hand back abruptly, focusing on the road again.
“Sometimes, in my most desperate moments, I wanted to forget you. The exact shade of your eyes or the timbre of your voice. Just to give myself a few fucking minutes of relief. Of wondering where you were and what you were doing. But I couldn’t, because Max was always there. I could never escape you, Shadow.”
“You’re not in the same unit as him now,” I rasped. “You can escape me now. You don’t have to be around either of us if you don’t want to be.”
“Oh, but I want.” He sighed. “That’s the truly fucked-up truth I eventually arrived at.
I can’t ever get away from you, because you’re part of me.
Somehow, all those years ago, you carved your name on my heart.
You claimed me, and now no one else can.
Worse, I don’t want them to. The thought of even trying to let someone else in feels…
wrong. But with you? It feels right. Because with you is where I belong. ”
He couldn’t say these things. I shouldn’t be listening.
But I couldn’t stop. I found myself leaning closer, my body betraying me once more.
“It’s funny,” he continued. “You thought you were a stand-in for Max, but really it was the opposite. Max was the one who was there, but you were the one I wanted.”
I swallowed a few times, trying to will my mouth to stop being so dry. It didn’t work. “Enough. Can we talk about something else? Please?”
“Course, Shadow,” Dom said easily. “How about I tell you how Max got his nickname?”