Chapter 23
Ryan
Eventually, our grumbling stomachs forced us out of the bedroom. That didn’t stop Dom touching me. His arms were almost permanently around my waist, his face buried in my neck. We broke contact only when we absolutely had to.
And it suited me perfectly. Now that I’d stepped over that line, there was nothing holding me back. I wanted him touching me at all times.
It was a good thing no one else was around. I doubted anyone would think this behaviour was healthy.
But Dominic and I had never pretended to be.
“You need to eat more,” Dom said, reaching around me and forking up another spoonful of rice. “Open up.”
I rolled my eyes even as I accepted the proffered food. “Okay, I’m fully on board with you turning into a limpet, but I draw the line at you feeding me.”
“You do?” Dom nipped the tender skin beneath my ear. I was going to be covered in his marks by the end of the week…which was probably why he was doing it. “Then why are you letting me?”
“To shut you up.” I accepted yet another forkful. “Seriously, did you develop a feeding fetish while you were away?”
“More like a taking-care-of-you fetish. It’s not like I’m planning on letting you sleep much this week, so we need to keep your energy up in other ways.”
I swallowed my mouthful and spun in his arms to face him. “Especially if I’m going to fuck you. I’ll need all my strength for that.”
Dom slid his meaty thigh between my knees, groaning when he found me hard. “Someone really likes that idea.”
“I’m not the only one,” I said, sliding my hand between us to squeeze the bulge in his boxers. We hadn’t bothered to dress, just chucking on clean underwear before foraging for food. “You know we can’t jump straight to that.”
Dom pouted. “Why not?”
“This pout should be illegal,” I murmured, thumbing his lower lip. “It’s a sight I’d go to war over.”
His expression turned crafty. “So you’re saying that, to get my own way, all I need to do is pout?”
I gave him a long-suffering look. “Since when do you not get your own way? Just the fact that I’m here right now proves that.”
Dom stiffened. “You could’ve left at any time. I wouldn’t have stopped you.”
“Exactly.” I leaned my head against his. “I could have, but I didn’t. Because apparently, I’m so fucking gone for you that even knowing this is going to end in a metaphorical car wreck, I still buckled in and told you to drive.”
He caressed my back. “I won’t be reckless with you, Shadow. I was once before, and I paid for it. I won’t do that again.”
Fuck, how I wanted to believe him. My heart, my soul, my very sense of self, they were all being torn in two. One half wanted to go all in with Dom and just let the crash happen.
But the other half…he was that careful driver. He wanted to keep us on the road we’d always planned.
“How about we get you ready for that fucking you obviously want?”
Dom’s eyes heated. “I’m listening.”
“I can’t last.” Dom’s voice echoed off the tiled walls. “Please, Shadow. Give me more.”
I pulled my face from between his cheeks and slapped one. “Now who’s lacking stamina?”
He groaned. “Knew that’d come back to bite me.”
I had Dominic exactly where I wanted him. Under the shower, face against the wall, arse splayed open for me to feast on.
And feast I had. I’d used every weapon in my arsenal to turn Dom into a gibbering, quivering mess. Thanks to the lube I’d grabbed, I wasn’t stopping there either.
Dom’s hand grabbed my head, attempting to shove it back into place. “Say whatever you want, but get your tongue back inside me. And some fingers too.”
“Patience.” I wiped water off my face. “Hold off for a little while longer and I’ll make you see stars.”
Dom glared back over his shoulder at me. “You better.”
“Oh ye of little faith.” I chuckled. “Spread your feet wider for me, baby. That’s it.”
He shivered as I spread his cheeks again. The sight of that tiny star had my mouth watering. The fucking I’d given him with my tongue had opened him up, but not enough.
He was going to strangle my cock.
I couldn’t fucking wait.
I would though. As much as we both wanted it, I wasn’t going there until I knew Dom was ready to take me. I wasn’t as big as he was, but I wasn’t small either, and I wanted to make his first time special and pain free.
Just as he’d done for me.
I reached for the lube, but wavered at the sight of Dom so deliciously spread for me. Fuck it, that could wait a few more minutes.
Burying my face once more, I grunted at the musky flavour of him. Dom’s cries were hoarse as he pushed himself back on my tongue. I fucked him with it, just as I would with my cock, pushing as deep as I could.
There was something almost animalistic about this as I squeezed both his cheeks, holding him open for me. I wanted to bring this strong, capable man to his knees. To know that he was mine. That I was the only one who’d ever do this.
The only one he’d let this close. Both physically, and emotionally.
Sure that’s what you should want?
It was getting easier to ignore the whispers of my conscience. How could I listen when this felt so right? So natural?
When Dom was quaking under my hands, I sat back reluctantly. “Almost there, baby.”
Dom’s answer was an inarticulate whimper. I chuckled as I lubed up both my hands. “Having trouble talking?”
He glared at me over his shoulder again. At least, I thought that was what he was going for. There was too much desperation on his face for him to pull it off. “I could go off you.”
“No, you couldn’t,” I said, rising on my knees and pressing a kiss to the small of his back. “If that were true, neither of us would be here right now.”
Not wanting to hear whatever comeback he might have, I wrapped one hand around his cock as the other circled his hole. Just as I’d hoped, Dom was immediately distracted. His hands scrabbled at the wet tile as I slid a finger easily past the tight ring of muscle.
“You’re so tight,” I marvelled. “Can’t wait to stretch you open, baby. I’m going to make you feel so good.”
“You already are,” Dom groaned, a tremble going through his body.
That was what he thought. But then I crooked my finger, showing him how much better he could feel.
“Holy fuck!” Dom’s voice reverberated off the tiles as he pushed back against me. “Was that my prostate?”
I grinned. “Hmm. Maybe. Maybe we should check. Just to be sure.”
I tapped the same spot, drawing inarticulate noises from him. When I started massaging it, there was nothing but gibberish leaving his lips. His broad shoulders were shaking, his arse bunching rhythmically as I teased him.
Judging him ready, I slid another finger in. The tightness had me pausing. “Bear down, baby. Let me in.”
He exhaled shakily and my digits slid deeper.
“That’s it. Hold on, it’s about to get good again.”
“Fuck,” he barked when I attacked his prostate with both fingers. His heaving breaths would haunt my dreams for years to come. “I’m so close, Shadow.”
Jacking him faster, I kissed his cheek before sinking my teeth in briefly. “Come for me, baby.”
Like my words had flipped a switch, his hole tightened around my fingers as his back arched. My own cock throbbed, imagining how it would feel when it was there instead. God, we were going to make each other feel so good. So right.
I waited until he slumped forward before gently easing my fingers out of him. I kissed my way up his spine as I got to my feet, nuzzling the back of his neck. “How was that?”
“I think you broke me,” Dom muttered, his face still pressed against the tile.
I chuckled, my arms smoothing along his chest as I dropped kisses across his shoulders. “So you’re a fan?”
“Big time,” he said, twisting in my arms until he was facing me. “Looks like we’ll be wrestling to see who gets to bottom in future.”
I thrust out my bottom lip. “That’s not fair. You’re stronger than me.”
“But you’ve got a more wicked pout,” Dom said, taking my lip between his teeth and making me hiss. “I can’t say no to it.”
I moaned, flashing back to earlier. “We both have that problem.”
“Guess there’s only one solution.”
“What’s that, then?”
A wicked gleam entered Dom’s eyes. “Flip-fucking.”
We didn’t fish again. Neither of us even suggested it. We were living on borrowed time, and not a second of it was going to be wasted.
When we weren’t making up for lost time in the bedroom, we were catching each other up on the years we’d missed out on.
Dom told me more about everyone in his unit.
How Taff was like an older brother to them all.
About Raffle, who was the life and soul of the party.
And Mimic, who had an uncanny knack for reading every situation before twisting it to his advantage.
He even talked about Max. And not a single one of his stories made me think there was anything more there than friendship and camaraderie.
It didn’t heal the old hurt, but it soothed it. The more he spoke, the more I believed what he’d been telling me all along. What even Max had told me.
That the feelings between them were platonic. That they always had been.
“Tell me about uni,” Dom said. We were naked on the sofa, limbs entwined, my head on his shoulder. The roaring fire and blanket I’d found kept the chill from our skin. Our lust was quiet, having been thoroughly sated, but neither of us was ready to be parted. “Why’d you choose business?”
I stared at the crackling flames, wondering how honest to be. “It was the smart choice. The one that guaranteed a secure financial future.”
“And art wasn’t?”
“Of course not.” I caressed his chest lightly, tracing the letters of my name. “You know how we grew up, Dominic. Is it wrong that I wanted better for myself?”
“Not at all.” He smoothed his hand down my spine, easing the tension there. “And if I thought that was the only reason, I wouldn’t push.”
I sighed. “But you are pushing.”
“Yes,” he said simply. “Because I remember how much you loved it. Now, it’s like you’re afraid of it.”
“I’m not.”
“Shadow, you haven’t even stepped inside that room since we’ve been here.”
I winced internally. Wanting to change the subject, I rocked my hips forward pointedly. “It’s not like I’ve had time. You’ve kept me busy.”
“Nice try.” Dom’s big hand held my hip still. “You’re not distracting me with sex.”
I sighed. “Rude. Why do you always make me talk about the hard stuff?”
“Because it’s not healthy to bury it. You taught me that.”
“I did? When?”
“The night I told you about my dad,” Dom said quietly. “I’d carried it alone for so long, until you made me feel safe enough to open up. And you know what happened for me after?”
“What?”
“I felt lighter. Like talking about it had literally lifted a weight off me.”
I blew out a breath. “This is different.”
“It’s not,” Dom insisted. “You’ve buried the person you used to be, thinking you’ll be happier that way.”
“That’s not why I did it.”
“Then why did you?”
“Because it was the only way I could survive,” I said bluntly. “That person, that version of me, he was in love with you. You were his whole world. When you left…I couldn’t be him anymore. I had to become someone new just to get through each day.”
“Fuck.” Dom’s arms tightened around me as he kissed the top of my head. “I’m sorry, Shadow. I’ll never stop being sorry.”
“You’re not the only one who needs to be sorry. I walked away that night. If it hadn’t taken me so long to pull my head out of my arse, maybe things would’ve been different.”
Dom was silent for a moment. “I think there are things that it’s good to leave in the past. We can’t change what happened, so it makes sense to move past it. But you don’t need to cut off what used to make you happy, Ry. I don’t want that.”
“I know.” I got it, I did. If the situation were reversed, I’d hate it if Dom gave up something he truly loved. “But I can’t change everything about who I am now. Like it or not, I have changed. I’m not the boy you fell in love with.”
“I know.” He kissed my head again, like he was reminding himself that I was there. That this conversation was happening. “But the man you’ve become? I love him too. I just want you to be the happiest you can be. Right now, I don’t think you are.”
I pursed my lips. “And you think me picking up a pencil is going to change that?”
“I don’t think it’ll hurt. I’m not saying you need to make it your whole life, but why can’t it be part of it?”
I grunted, which was as much of an agreement as I was willing to give. Dom seemed satisfied with that, falling silent once more.
As I watched the fire, an urge grew within me. It had me fidgeting in place until Dom noticed.
“What’s wrong?”
I sighed, leaning back until I could see his face. “I wasn’t completely honest about why I kept in touch with Frank.”
Dom looked puzzled. “You weren’t?”
“No,” I said softly, stroking his face. “I kept in touch because he was my final link to you. It didn’t matter how much I tried to bury my past; I couldn’t let it go entirely.
I couldn’t let you go. Yes, I wanted Frank to be sober so the two of you might be able to sort things out one day.
I wanted him to realise his mistakes and treat you better in future.
But most of all…most of all, he reminded me of you. ”
Dom’s eyes were glassy. I didn’t stop, knowing I had to get this all out in one go.
“Frank was how I kept you in my life. I knew it wasn’t smart or healthy, but I couldn’t give it up. Doing so would’ve meant giving you up. And…”
My words trailed off, but Dom finished for me. “And you couldn’t do that.”
“No,” I said, my fingers trembling against his cheek. “That’s the most fucked-up part of this. What I feel for you isn’t healthy, Dom. It never has been. But I don’t want it to change. I should, but I don’t.”
“Good.” His eyes burned with intensity. “Because I feel the same. I’m tired of trying to exist without you in my life. I gave up the pretence that I didn’t care a long time ago. It was too exhausting. Aren’t you tired, Shadow?”
I was. I was fucking broken from pretending. “Yeah, Dom. I am.”
“Then stop trying,” he said softly. “I know it’s scary, but you’re not alone. If you let me in, you’ll never be alone again.”
I wanted to. Oh, how I wanted to.
Dom was right.
Pretending that I didn’t want him was breaking me.