Chapter 24
Ryan
Dominic’s words were echoing in my mind when I woke up the next morning. They lived under my skin, buzzing, itching, begging me to listen to them.
“I just want you to be the happiest you can be. Right now, I don’t think you are.”
I didn’t question whether he was right. As much as I tried to bury the boy I’d once been, I couldn’t stifle him completely. There’d been many aspects of my life that had made me miserable back then. Until Dominic had come along, art had been the only outlet that had given me pure joy.
Thinking about how I’d given it up…it made me sad. I didn’t blame myself for it—It was what I’d needed to survive. But now, with Dom asleep beside me, could I let it back in?
I stared at him, tracing the shadows under his eyes. The stubble on his cheeks, so much thicker than when we were younger. The ink on his skin was something I’d never recorded either. What kind of pencil would show the exact depth of the contrast?
I jolted before letting out a quiet laugh. I didn’t need the pencil in my hand to be an artist. It was there. It always had been.
I’d just been too afraid to acknowledge it.
I slid out of bed as silently as I could. Thankfully, Dominic didn’t stir. I thought I’d exhausted him with the 2 a.m. blowjob and fingering session.
After a few deep breaths, I opened the door to the third bedroom. The fear I’d been expecting didn’t arise. Or, if it did, it was eclipsed by another emotion.
Joy.
Joy at all the different options I had to experiment with. Options Dominic had given me.
Because he loved me. He wanted me to be happy.
Tears pricked at my eyes. I wanted to be happy too.
As much as I was itching to explore the acrylics and watercolours, experimenting with mediums I hadn’t used since my art classes wasn’t what I wanted right now.
No, I had a more fulfilling task in mind.
Grabbing a few pencils and a sketchbook, I snuck back into the room where Dominic was sleeping. Setting myself up on a chair in the corner of the room, I put pencil to paper.
And started to draw.
Lines appeared with ease as I settled into a space I hadn’t visited in years.
Where nothing existed except the pencil in my hand and the subject matter.
I barely noticed my hand cramping, or how my back was protesting the terrible chair.
Nothing mattered except capturing how Dominic looked in this exact moment.
Like mine.
Eventually, he stirred. My pencil halted against the paper as he blinked awake, searching for me. When his gaze fell on me, he smiled sleepily.
And when he saw what I was doing, that smile deepened into one I knew I had to capture too.
“Don’t stop,” he said, going back to exactly where he’d been. “Not for me, Shadow.”
My heart ached at his double meaning.
The truth was, Dom had been right when he’d suggested my muse had left me. But I’d definitely been lying when I said I didn’t want it to return. That I’d moved on.
Every line I drew reinforced that lie.
I didn’t want to lose this again.
I didn’t want to lose Dominic.
But how could I keep him? How could I abandon the life I’d built? Did I want to risk it all for him? Would he stand by me if I did? Or would he walk away, leaving me to pick up the pieces like last time?
I didn’t have any answers, so I just kept drawing.
“Are you really comfy like that?” I asked dubiously.
“Mm-hmm.” Dom didn’t bother to open his eyes. “The comfiest.”
He was lying. The bench we were on was barely big enough for one fully grown male, let alone two. But when Dom had found me out here on the patio ten minutes ago, my sketch half-complete, he’d insisted on finding room beside me.
I smiled indulgently as I took in his sprawl.
His upper half was on me, his face smushed against my shoulder, while his legs hung loosely over the arm of the bench.
If it weren’t for my hold, he would’ve rolled off long before now.
I’d given up trying to draw, preferring instead to make the most of him in my arms.
“Don’t make me move,” he murmured. “Just lemme rest my eyes for a bit.”
I bent to kiss his head, fighting my grin. “Get all the rest you need, baby.”
“You’d think I’d be more used to going without sleep.” Dom yawned. “A month out of the service and I’m already going soft.”
“I have been keeping you exceptionally busy.” That was true.
It was our fifth day at the cabin and to say we’d been making up for lost time was an understatement.
I doubted either of us had had more than three hours sleep at once.
All it took was one of us brushing against the other, and suddenly rest was the last thing on our minds.
“Anyone needs more sleep than we’ve been getting. ”
“Still, I should be better,” Dom groused. “All those years on watch should’ve prepared me to keep up with you.”
I laughed as my face flushed. “Something about you makes me insatiable. I’m not apologising for it.”
Dom opened one eye just to roll it at me. “Like I’d ask you to do that. I’m just as bad.”
I bit my lip before asking the question that was nagging at me. “Do you think you’ll miss it?”
He lifted his head to stare at me, hurt shining in his eyes. “I thought we weren’t talking about what comes next.”
Confusion swelled for a moment before I realised. “Not the sex, you muppet. The army.”
“Oh.” As easy as that, he was relaxed again, snuggling back into my neck like he belonged there. Maybe he did. “I thought we’d discussed this already.”
“I’d like to discuss it again.” I toyed with the hair on the back of his neck. “It was such a big part of your life. All of your adult years were spent in the military. Surely you must miss some aspects.”
He considered it, which made me feel better. If he’d answered flippantly, I would’ve continued to doubt him. “No, I don’t think so. Even if I did, it wouldn’t be enough to make me sign up again.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“Because I’d miss you more.” He sat up, all traces of fatigue vanishing as his serious gaze bored into me. “I’ve lived without you in my life for far too long, Shadow. I don’t want to do that again.”
I looked away, pretending to find the woods very interesting. “Joining the army doesn’t necessarily mean not having me in your life, Dominic. It never did. You’re the one who never reached out, not the other way around.”
“That doesn’t mean I didn’t think of you. I did, Ry. You were all I ever thought about.”
I stayed silent. I wanted to believe him, I did.
“You might be able to cope with the long distance, but I don’t think I’d be able to. Now that I’m back to seeing you every day, I don’t want that to change.”
“I thought we weren’t talking about this,” I said belatedly, ignoring the fact that it was me who’d dragged us down this particular avenue. “We’re living in the moment, remember?”
“Shadow.” Dom’s fingers touched my chin until I looked at him. “I can’t act like I don’t want more with you. Just because we aren’t talking about it, doesn’t change that that’s what I want. My future is you. Us. I’m not going to sit here and pretend otherwise.”
A shiver went through me, and I didn’t think it had anything to do with the chill in the air.
Dom sighed. “You don’t believe me, do you? You still think I’m going to change my mind.”
“I want to believe you,” I whispered. “More than anything. But it’s hard.”
“I know,” he said softly. “I hurt you. I’ll never stop being sorry for that. And I don’t expect you to be ready now. I’ll wait, Shadow. For as long as you need.”
Neither of us mentioned the deadline hanging over us. The aisle I was due to walk down in just a few days.
“That’s hardly healthy behaviour.”
“Nothing about my feelings for you is healthy,” Dom said roughly. “But I still wouldn’t change a thing.”
The most fucked-up part was that I wouldn’t change anything either. If I could go back to that night, I’d still drop to my knees. Because the truth was that I couldn’t imagine my life without Dom in it. For better or worse, he’d shaped me into the man I was today.
“Enough of the deep shit.” Dom stretched his long limbs. “How about you make good on your promise to fuck me?”
I snorted a laugh. “Your ability to shift back to sex so quickly astounds me.”
Dom gave me a cocky grin. “Are you saying you don’t want me, Shadow?”
Heat roared through me as I tracked how his tongue darted out over his lip. I grabbed his throat lightly, bringing my mouth to within an inch of his. He sucked in a breath, his pupils dilating.
“Unless you want to get fucked on this bench,” I breathed, my eyes flicking between his. “You’d better get yourself indoors in the next thirty seconds, because I’m done waiting.”
Despite my threat, I didn’t rush while prepping Dom. He was trusting me with his first time, and I took that as seriously as an oath. Nothing about this was going to hurt him, or even make him uncomfortable.
I was determined that he’d enjoy every second.
I’d started our foreplay in the shower, caressing every inch of his skin under the pretence of washing him.
Then I’d given up the pretence by shoving him up against the tiles and rimming him.
By the time this week was up, Dom was going to have an imprint from the grout permanently etched into his cheek.
Only when he begged for more did I stop and towel us off roughly. Minutes later, we were in bed, making out like the teenagers we once were.
I had no idea how much time passed while we kissed and rutted against each other, but when I felt the familiar tightening in my balls, I drew back to prep Dom.
He took my fingers easier now, thanks to how often I’d slipped them inside him over the past few days.
I didn’t rush though, opening him as carefully as possible.
And driving him crazy, naturally.
“I’m ready,” he panted as I crooked my fingers against his prostate again. And again. And again. “I promise.”
“I’ll decide when you’re ready,” I growled, adding another finger. He was taking three with ease, but I wouldn’t risk hurting him. “Just lie there and let me make you feel good.”
Dom fisted his hair, his hips rolling in time with my fingers. “I’ve changed my mind. I don’t like this side of you.”
“Liar,” I said softly, leaning down to take the head of his cock in my mouth. I sucked until he gave a loud moan, then I popped off with a smirk. “Your dick says otherwise.”
“My dick will divorce me if you don’t let it come soon.” Dom gasped as I pegged his prostate again. “Please, Shadow. I need it. I need you. Want you to ruin me.”
I wasn’t going to ruin him.
I was going to be the making of him.
It was time. He couldn’t wait any longer, and in truth, neither could I. After carefully removing my fingers, I rolled on a condom and smoothed lube all over it. “Sure you want this, Dom?”
“Yes.” He pulled his knees up to his chest, his eyes hooded as he stared up at me. “More than anything.”
Remembering my first time, I reached for a pillow. “Under your hips, baby.”
Dom smiled softly. “How the tables have turned.”
“You don’t need to be quiet here.” I lined myself up, but I didn’t push in immediately, teasing his hole with the head of my cock. “Be as loud as you want for me.”
“As if I could do anything else,” Dominic panted, breaking off to moan as I finally breached him. “Oh god, Shadow. Yes. So right. Feels so right.”
I took it slow, never going further than an inch at once, waiting for Dom to beg for more before moving again. My arms were shaking by the time I was fully seated. I searched Dom’s face for any sign of discomfort. “Okay?”
“Better than okay,” he breathed. His cheeks were flushed, his hair matted to his forehead with sweat. “Move, Shadow.”
My thrusts started off shallow and slow, before naturally speeding up. As Dom fell to pieces beneath me, I had just one thought in my head.
Dominic Walker is moaning for me.
It was my name he was calling out. My cock filling him. My back being scratched by his blunt nails. My body shaking with the urge to rut into him and never stop. I’d never felt this before—this all-consuming urge to own. To plunder until Dom forgot everything existed except me.
“Shadow,” he moaned again, the long lines of his throat glistening with sweat as he threw his head back against the pillow. “It’s so good. I can’t.”
“You can,” I gasped, slamming into him hard enough to make the bed frame rattle. “Hold on, love. Wait for me.”
His eyes flew open. “What did you call me?”
I froze mid-thrust as the realisation washed over me. “Um. Shit. Is that okay?”
“More than okay,” he said, his eyes softening. Hands gently tugged at my hair. “Come here, Shadow.”
I sank down on him, our lips meeting. The passionate race to the finish was temporarily forgotten as I savoured the taste of him. The feel. The sounds he made. The sight of him coming undone.
There was no denying it. Dom was my love. He always had been.
I just had to figure out how to trust him again.
Eventually, neither of us was satisfied with slow and gentle anymore. I resumed my earlier pace. Dom’s cock was trapped between our abs as I fucked into him. His legs wrapped around my waist, his heels digging into my back. My mouth found his again, connecting us in every conceivable way.
It felt so right. It feels so right.
My orgasm built, a tidal wave ready to crash over the shore. I refused to let it, needing Dom to fall first. “Come for me, love. Let me hear you.”
Maybe he’d been waiting for my permission, or maybe just hearing it was enough to push him over the edge. Whatever it was, it had him tightening around me like a vice as he murmured my name against my lips.
“Shadow, Ry, Shadow, Ry, Ry, Ry, Ry.”
My hips bucked as I came. “Dom… Oh god, I love you. I love you.”
The words didn’t register. I was too lost in the haze of pleasure. It was only when Dom spoke, after I’d collapsed on him and let him hold me, that I realised what I’d said.
He kissed my temple. “I love you too, Ry. So fucking much.”
I didn’t respond. How could I, when I’d just crossed not one line, but two?
I’d not only slept with my ex, I’d confessed my true feelings.
I sat with that for a moment, waiting for the guilt. When it came, it wasn’t as strong as I’d thought it would be. Nor was it holding hands with the usual regret.
If anything, I felt more guilty about what was to follow. The decision I was going to have to make. I’d always sworn I wouldn’t be a man who broke his promises. That I’d see my decisions through to the bitter end.
By doing that, I’d be protecting Kate. She wouldn’t be heartbroken or hurt.
But Dom would be.
Either choice was going to devastate someone.
Both were going to devastate me.