Chapter 25 - Dominic #2
I took a steadying breath, pulling out every trick I had until Ry was writhing on the counter, my name a forbidden litany on his lips. I fucked him until he forgot there’d been a moment where I faltered. Until he couldn’t think of anything except the pleasure I was giving him.
But me? I couldn’t forget. I thought maybe I could, but I couldn’t.
Because, as much as I hoped otherwise, there was a chance he wouldn’t choose me. Choose us.
I had no idea what I’d do then.
I knew what I wouldn’t do though. I wouldn’t give up. I wouldn’t be walking away.
That was as much as I did know.
I was so in my head that Ryan’s orgasm caught me by surprise. I changed my angle, hitting his prostate dead-on to prolong his release.
“Now you,” he panted, his cheeks flushed and pupils dilated. “Let go for me, love.”
I did as he asked, roaring his name as I came.
I collapsed on top of him, letting him pet my hair as he spoke languidly about how good it had been.
I was careful not to let a single tear hit his skin as I buried my fear down deep.
The fear refused to stay buried.
It surfaced several times as we packed up the cabin. By the time we were in the car and driving back to reality, it was fully present once more. It lurked in the back seat, infecting the air I breathed.
Judging by the silence Ry had lapsed into, I wasn’t the only one affected. The pensive stares were back, along with the jaw stroking. The tension I’d fucked out of him now filled his body once more.
I couldn’t find the words to tell him it’d be okay. Not when I was suddenly so unsure it would be.
It has to be. He’s mine. Not hers.
I wished I could believe it.
Despite intentionally driving under the speed limit, the journey seemed to take no time at all. Every green light and empty motorway was a karmic ‘fuck you’ from the universe. It was denying me every last minute with the man I loved.
The day after tomorrow, he might sign his life over to someone else. If he did, I’d be back to waiting for him.
You’ve done it before. You can do it again.
I could. But I didn’t want to. Not with the taste of him still in my mouth. The sound of his voice ringing in my ears. The memory of how his body felt entwined with mine a mere few hours ago fresh in my mind.
And the sight of him. God, there were a thousand new images of him in my mind’s eye. Snapshots of every time my gaze had sought him out this week. I hadn’t realised what I’d been doing at the time, but I did now.
I was stocking up, building up my supplies, just in case Ryan decided to cut off the source.
My hands tightened on the steering wheel as we pulled up outside our flats. “Here we are,” I announced pointlessly.
Neither of us made any effort to move.
Ryan wasn’t looking out of the window now. He was staring at his hands, gripping his thighs so hard his knuckles were white. “What happens now?”
“That’s up to you. You know what I want. Question is, what do you want?”
“If I knew that, this would all be easy.”
I closed my eyes and exhaled. That was the only outward sign I gave that his words cleaved me in two. How could he not know we were meant to be together? It was so fucking obvious. How was Ryan not able to see it?
“I’m sorry,” he said quietly. “I know that’s not the answer you want to hear.”
My pulse was hammering in my ears now as my temper climbed. I nodded stiffly, opening my eyes. “It’s not, but I’ll deal.”
He turned to study me. “Will you?”
No. Dealing with him rejecting me wasn’t something I could even consider, let alone do.
Ry sighed at my silence. “Thought so.”
I tugged at the neck of my T-shirt. Was it suddenly hot in here? It was definitely getting harder to breathe. “Maybe we should head up.”
The frigid night air didn’t help. The band around my chest tightened with every step towards our flats. By the time we reached our floor, I was gasping for oxygen.
“Are you okay?” Ry said, turning to me in alarm. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” I waved him off, attempting a smile. I failed. “I’m good.”
“You’re not.” He dropped his luggage on the ground. A few steps and he was in front of me, pressing the back of his hand to my forehead. “You’re not burning up.”
“It’s not physical,” I said roughly.
“Oh.” Ry lowered his hand. “Fuck, I hate this. I hate that I’m hurting you.”
“Then don’t,” I whispered, staring at his beautiful face. The one I’d pictured during every sleepless night for over a decade. “Choose me, Shadow. Please.”
He opened his mouth to speak, but a door opening behind me had him holding back. Instead, he jerked his head towards his flat. “Let’s continue this inside.”
Burgeoning hope loosened the band on my chest, allowing me a few precious breaths. Maybe this wasn’t going to go how I thought. Perhaps I’d done enough to prove myself to Ryan. Not enough for him to fully trust me, but enough for him to give us a shot.
He strode into his living room and came to an abrupt stop. “Fuck.”
I stepped up to join him, frowning at the basket on his dining room table. “What is that?”
Ry didn’t answer. His hand moved woodenly towards the attached card. As his eyes skimmed the contents, the blood left his face.
“Shadow? What is it? What’s wrong?”
“It’s from Kate,” he said dully, the hand holding the card falling limp to his side. “A pre-wedding gift to let me know she’s thinking of me. Xander must’ve brought it in.”
Forget buying Xander a beer, I was going to punch him for not binning this. I’d think about that later. Right now, I was more worried about the guilt on Ryan’s face. “Shadow—”
“Don’t,” he said harshly. “Whatever you were going to say, I can’t hear it right now.”
Dropping the card on the table, he turned on his heel and stormed from the room.
I bit my lip as I eyed the innocuous white card. I shouldn’t read it. It was an invasion of Ryan’s privacy.
But fuck, I wanted to know exactly what she’d said to make him go so pale.
Sod it. Wasn’t like I hadn’t violated his privacy in a hundred small ways already. May as well go the whole hog.
Ryan
You have no idea how grateful I am to have met you. You give me the peace and security that I’ve dreamed of, but never truly had. I can’t wait to be your wife.
Here’s to more rainy mornings and blueberry muffins, baby.
Kate xx
I read the words twice more, but they didn’t change.
Nausea bubbled up my throat, threatening to spill all over Ryan’s carpet. I forced it back, fighting the urge to crumple up the card; the reminder of everything we’d both been trying to ignore.
Ryan was engaged to be married. To someone else. Someone who was excited to become his wife. Who had cute traditions with him.
Traditions I’d thought were ours.
Ry came back into the room, still pale. He spotted the card in my hand and huffed. “Should’ve known you wouldn’t keep your nose out.”
I flicked the card back onto the table. It landed lightly, with none of the weight it had just dropped on our relationship. “She sent you blueberry muffins.”
He glanced at the basket. “Guess she did.”
“That’s a…thing, with the two of you?”
Ry folded his arms over his chest. “I didn’t think you wanted to talk about Kate.”
I didn’t. I really fucking didn’t, but I couldn’t let this go. “Just answer the question, Ryan.”
He flinched, and I realised it was the first time I’d called him by his full name in…well, years. “It’s how we met. Dashing into a coffee shop to avoid the rain. We both reached for the last blueberry muffin.”
I braced my hands behind my head. All of the fear, frustration, and anger I’d been suppressing was forcing its way to the surface. “I can’t fucking believe this.”
“That I have a relationship with Kate? A history?” Ryan demanded hotly. “How could I not, Dominic? I proposed to her. That should’ve given you a big fucking clue.”
“She sent you muffins!” The words ricocheted off the walls with the volume at which they came out. “Blueberry muffins.”
“So?”
“So that was ours. That was us.” I poked my chest hard, right over the heart that was breaking all over again. “And now you share it with her. Like I was nothing. Like we were nothing.”
“They’re just muffins.”
I laughed in disbelief. “If you think that then maybe you were right about us not going back there. Maybe there hasn’t been anything here all this time. Maybe I’ve wasted the last ten years chasing a fucking fantasy.”
Ry sucked in a breath, rubbing his chest. “Is that really what you think? After everything we’ve just shared?”
“What else am I supposed to think, Shadow?” I threw my arms wide in frustration. “I have no fucking clue what’s going to happen. For all I know, you’re going to marry her and break my heart all over again.”
His face hardened. “I never said I wouldn’t marry Kate.”
There was no hiding the pain this time. The anger parted long enough for a tear to slip free.
Ry swore, reaching up to swipe it away. “Shit. I didn’t mean it to come out like that, Dom.”
“You still said it.”
“Because it’s true.” Ry held my chin firmly when I tried to turn away, refusing to let me. “Dom, I never made you any promises. But Kate? I made a pretty fucking big one to her. I’ve always prided myself on being a man of my word. On keeping my promises.”
The fury was raging anew. “Really? Because it didn’t seem like that this past week when you were begging me to make you come.”
Ryan didn’t let go. No, his grip tightened until it bordered on painful. “Don’t. Don’t cheapen what we shared.”
“How can I not when you’re telling me it’s over?”
“When did I say that?” he demanded. “Stop putting words in my mouth, Dom, and fucking listen to me.”
I immediately fell silent. I swore even my breathing stopped, not wanting to miss a syllable of whatever he was about to say.
“I’m not saying this is over,” he said quietly, not looking away for a second. “I love you, Dom. I always have.”
Tears welled in my eyes. He hadn’t said that since the one time it had slipped out in the cabin. The flame of hope was rekindled.
“But I love Kate too.” He doused the hope as quickly as it had arrived. “If I turn my back on my promise to her, I’m also turning my back on who I am. My identity.”
I had to take a few breaths before I could speak. “So where does that leave us?”
“That’s the one question I can’t answer.” He finally let go of my chin. “I’m sorry, Dom. I’m so fucking sorry. But I need time.”
The basket caught my eye. “Guess it’s a good thing you’ve got a deadline.”
He rubbed his hands over his face in exhaustion. “Guess it is.”
“I’m going to leave,” I said, coming to my own decision.
Ryan’s head whipped up. “Just like that? You’re fucking leaving?”
“Shh.” I cupped his face, briefly kissing away his anger. “No, Shadow. I’m not leaving, leaving. I’m never doing that again.”
His shoulders sagged in relief. “Okay.”
“But I’m also not going to watch you marry her.” My voice shook. “I can’t, Shadow. It’ll destroy me in ways I’d never recover from.”
The little colour he’d regained during our fight faded again. “I wouldn’t want you to do that.”
“Be happy, Shadow.” I fought back a sob as I kissed his temple. “Just know that I’ll always be waiting for you. Whether it’s tomorrow, or in fifteen years’ time. I’ll be ready to pick up right where we’re leaving off.”
I pulled back to see tears rolling down his face. “You’re insane, Dom. You can’t promise me that. You can’t put your heart on hold for me.”
Shrugging, I forced myself to take a step away. Then another. A third. “You’re worth it, Shadow. Besides, I don’t have a heart to give away anymore. It always has, and always will, belong to you.”
He took a jerky step forward, but I was already moving. I had to. If I let Ry touch me now, I’d throw him over my shoulder and screw the consequences.
But I needed him to choose me. Even if it wasn’t today, I needed to know he came to me of his own accord.
This time, I was the one walking away. But like I’d said to Ryan, I had no intention of leaving.
I was here to be part of his life.
Even if it was just from the shadows.