Chapter 26 - Ryan
Ryan
I didn’t know how long I stared at the closed door after Dom walked through it. Long enough for my muscles to grow stiff and cold. It didn’t matter how long I waited.
Dom didn’t return.
It was stupid. I knew he wasn’t going to. He’d told me how he felt. What he wanted. The lengths to which he was willing to go to get it.
Then he’d left it in my hands. My useless, incapable hands.
I only knew I was crying from the dampness on my cheeks. What the fuck was wrong with me? Dom was hurting, and I was the only one who could fix it.
So what the fuck was stopping me?
It was a pointless question. Everything I’d said to Dom was true. I had made a promise to Kate, a commitment. I had no idea how to break that. The wedding was the day after tomorrow, for fuck’s sake. Was I really the kind of man who left someone at the altar?
No. I wasn’t.
But I didn’t think I could give Dom up either.
A door opened, but it was further down the hall. Clipped footsteps drifted closer until a big arm wrapped around my shoulders. “Come on, mate. Let’s sit you down.”
I let Xander lead me to the sofa. “You heard all that?”
“I tried not to, but you were both pretty loud.” There was no hint of his usual grin, just a quiet determination. “Reading between the lines, I’m guessing he was somehow there this week?”
I gave a clipped nod. “It was a mix of kidnapping and gatecrashing.”
“What about Frank?”
I sighed as I sank down on the sofa. “Who do you think helped Dom plan it?”
“Git,” Xander said, sitting beside me. “So…you slept with him?”
I glared at my best friend. “If you’re about to judge me or make me feel shitty about cheating on Kate, you can fuck off.”
I already felt bad enough about what I’d done. I didn’t regret it though…I think that was the worst part.
The truth was, in the same situation, I’d make the exact same choices. I wouldn’t give up what we’d shared this week for the world.
“I’m not going to do that.” Xander clasped his hands together as he leaned on his knees. “Do you want to talk about it?”
I closed my eyes as a headache began to throb at my temples. “I really don’t.”
“Okay.”
There was a creak as Xander left the sofa. A few seconds later, he kicked my ankle until I opened my eyes to glare at him. “What?”
“Well, you don’t want to talk,” he said, holding up a glass, “so how about drowning your sorrows instead?”
I reached for the glass before remembering that night long ago when I’d used booze to try and suffocate my feelings. “Nah, I’m good.”
There was a knock at my door. I sucked in a breath at the thought that it might be Dom.
“Let me get it,” Xander said, kindly but firmly pressing me down on the sofa. “I doubt it’s Dom, but if it is, I’ll send him right in.”
I grumbled. “Fine. But if it’s anyone else, make them go away.”
The last thing I wanted was to make casual conversation right now. I wanted to wallow in silence. Xander could stay if he wanted. He knew when to push and when to leave me be.
Just like Dom.
I held my breath as I waited for Xander to return. Please let Dom be with him.
There was a burst of loud words followed by a scuffling noise. I shot to my feet, but before I could take more than three steps, Xander was back. He was too slow to hide his scowl. “All sorted.”
I narrowed my eyes at him. “What happened?”
“Nothing,” he said, far too cheerfully. “Mind if I drink this?”
I circled him slowly as he drained the whisky he’d poured in a single gulp. Xander liked to think he had his shit locked down, but I was better at reading him than he realised.
His lips twitched as he lowered the glass. “What?”
I stopped in front of him and sighed. “Who’d you punch?”
Xander stared at me unblinkingly. “I didn’t punch anyone.”
I tapped his reddened knuckles, drawing a hiss from him. “Try again.”
“I whacked it against the wall earlier. You know how clumsy I am.”
“I do,” I said slowly. “Which is not at all.”
He didn’t say anything, just reached for the bottle and poured another two fingers of whisky. What was making him so cagey? Or rather…who?
The answer came to me and I groaned. “Oh, for fuck’s sake. You punched Max again.”
“Don’t know what you mean.”
Muttering under my breath, I stormed for the door and threw it open. The hall was empty, my twin long gone. I stared for a second at Dom’s closed door. No. I couldn’t deal with that yet. Instead, I turned my fury on another convenient target.
I went back inside and glared at Xander. “You can’t go around smacking the shit out of everyone who annoys you.”
“Says who?”
“The law?” I yanked at my hair in exasperation. “If Max goes to the police, you’ll be charged with assault.”
“He won’t do that.”
I didn’t think he would either, but I wasn’t letting Xander off the hook that easily. “What if he does?”
He shrugged. “Then I’ll show them the bruise I’ll probably have from where he thumped me in the ribs. Claim self-defence.”
I pinched the bridge of my nose. What the fuck was wrong with these two? “I’m willing to bet every pound in my bank account that you hit him first.”
Xander winked. “Yeah, but it’d be my word against his.”
“Why’d you hit him this time?”
“Because I told him to leave and he refused,” Xander said. “When he didn’t listen to what my words were saying, I decided to use my fists instead.”
I threw myself down on the sofa in defeat. “You can’t be hitting him again, Xander. I mean it.”
“I’m not promising that. Besides, you should be grateful. I got rid of him.”
“Yeah,” I said hollowly. I’d said I didn’t want to see anyone, but Max… Maybe he wouldn’t have been too bad. Having his perspective on this situation might be a good thing. He might not have been part of my life for a long time, but he’d been part of Dominic’s. “I guess.”
“Come on.” Xander shoved a gaming controller into my hand. “Let’s play and pretend that you don’t have less than forty-eight hours to make the biggest decision of your life.”
“Just keep breathing,” Xander said as he unzipped the suit bag. “In. Out.”
He’d been repeating that phrase a lot over the past hour.
Probably because I kept swaying on the spot and randomly hyperventilating.
The mirror in the overly fancy hotel bathroom informed me that I was an unhealthy shade of green.
The massive bags under my eyes were likely also contributing to Xander’s mother hen behaviour.
“I can’t do this,” I murmured as my suit came into view.
“Do what?” Xander lifted it out and hung it on the front of the wardrobe. “I didn’t realise you’d made a decision.”
That was because I hadn’t. It wasn’t like I hadn’t thought about it. I’d done nothing but think about this since the second Dom walked out of my flat. But even with my wedding mere hours away, I was no closer to a decision.
Whatever I chose, I was going to hurt someone. I was going to break someone’s heart.
Maybe I wouldn’t need to choose. Once I told Kate what had happened between me and Dom, she might be the one to end things. Really, that’d be the best outcome.
Coward.
I exhaled. My inner voice was right. I was being a fucking coward.
“I don’t know what to do,” I said quietly.
Xander nodded, continuing to move around the room. “I know, mate. But until you do, I’ll keep preparing for all eventualities.”
Tears welled in my eyes as I grabbed his arm. “You really are the best. You know that, right?”
He squeezed my hand. “I know.”
I gave a weak laugh. “Always humble.”
He gripped my shoulder as another wave of dizziness washed over me. “Do me a favour and sit down before you collapse.”
“Not going to collapse,” I muttered, sitting all the same. “I just don’t feel right.”
Xander gave me a bottle of water before crouching in front of me. “Okay, I know you don’t want to talk about this, but we kind of have to now.”
I sipped the cool water and winced. “We do?”
“Yup. Because I am the best, and I want what’s best for you. You can’t keep burying your head in the sand about it, Ryan.”
“I know,” I sighed. “I just don’t know what I want.”
“Yes, you do. You want to be with Dominic.”
I drank some more water, my mouth suddenly dry.
“Don’t try and deny it,” Xander said warningly. “It’s always been him. Even back when you were heartbroken and hating him, you still loved him.”
“I won’t deny that.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
I thought about how to articulate it. The fear. The frustration. “I do love him, but what if that’s not enough?”
“What do you mean?”
“He left me once,” I whispered. “Kept me in the dark about his plans, then vanished into the night. I didn’t hear from him for ten fucking years, Xan. He says he thought about me, but what proof do I have of that?”
Xander didn’t give me an answer. How could he? There wasn’t one.
“I have a whole new life. And what, he just shows up here, expecting me to throw it all to one side? What the fuck is that about? I’m happy with my life, with the future I have planned. Am I meant to give it up for a shot with someone who abandoned me?”
“No one’s saying that,” Xander said before correcting himself.
“Okay, so Dominic is saying that, but no one else is. But, Ryan…are you really happy? Are you excited to put on that suit and wait for Kate to walk down that aisle? Because if the answer is no, then I don’t think you should be doing this. ”
A few weeks ago, I would’ve insisted I was. That this was everything I’d ever wanted. I wasn’t sure it had been true even back then. “No. I’m not.”
“Then that’s your answer,” Xander said firmly. “You’re looking at this like a choice between Kate and Dominic, but really, it’s not that at all.”
“It’s not?”
“No, Ryan.” He smiled kindly. “It’s a choice between doing what you should versus what you want. If there were no other obstacles, if you could trust that Dom really has missed you all these years, that he won’t leave in the future…what would you want?”
“To be with him.” Tears welled in my eyes. “And I know he keeps telling me that I can trust him and that it was as hard for him as it was for me, but…”