9. Ryan
Ryan
I didn’t bother going to the library over the next two weeks. There was no point.
Dominic would just drag me out here.
On the plus side, Max had landed himself a girlfriend who now joined us.
Amy. Her name, and the fact that she was friends with Maya, were literally the only things I knew about her.
I doubted Max knew much more than that. He was too busy exploring how far he could get his tongue down her throat to bother talking.
Thankfully, that meant he had little time to snark at me.
Max being distracted gave me the confidence to try Dominic’s advice. I didn’t know if I was glad or pissed off that it was working.
He’d told me to fake it until I made it, and that was what I’d been doing. Without Max watching my every move, I’d tentatively joined in on conversations. I’d cracked jokes I hadn’t realised I was capable of, slipping into the patter of banter that had always eluded me.
Now, they seemed happy when I joined them.
It wasn’t just at lunch either. Suddenly they were popping up all over college.
Craig had started sitting beside me in psychology.
Marcus invited me over to play the latest GTA game.
Josh and Damien insisted on giving me ‘bro hugs’ whenever I crossed their path.
They were less like hugs and more attempts to crush my ribs, but I’d take it.
My phone was full of more numbers than ever. I’d ended up picking up another paper round in the last fortnight just to keep my phone topped up so I could reply to the messages I was now getting.
Then there was Maya.
Maya, with her button nose and cute smile. A smile she kept flashing in my direction.
I might not have had much experience—none, really—but I suspected Maya was flirting with me.
It had started out with small things. Her laughing at everything I said. Making sure to stand right beside me at lunch. Hooking her arm through mine as we walked to class. It had progressed to her touching me as often as she could.
On paper, I should have been thrilled about this development.
And maybe I would’ve been, if Dominic weren’t always beside us.
Even when we walked to class, he seemed to appear out of nowhere.
It was ironic that he called me Shadow, because that was what he’d become.
A hulking shadow, throwing shade over my interactions with Maya.
I should have hated it more than I did. But, the truth was, sometimes I didn’t know how to interact with her. I might’ve found it easier with the others, but with Maya? That confidence was missing.
We were at lunch and Maya was once again giving me all her attention.
“You’re so funny,” she trilled, her hand landing on my thigh. “You crack me up.”
I fought the urge to politely nudge her hand away. It felt…wrong. I didn’t want her hand there, but I didn’t know how to move it without offending her.
I was perched on the rail next to Dominic. I hadn’t bothered trying to sit or stand elsewhere. Figured if I just went along with what he seemed to want then maybe he’d go back to ignoring me.
It was working too. He’d barely said two words to me since the last time he’d dragged me out of the library. I should probably thank him. I wasn’t being bullied. Him and Max weren’t bothering me. I even had friends now.
And a hot girl flirting with me. One I couldn’t seem to summon any interest in, but it still counted.
Maybe he’ll make you thank him by getting on your knees again.
I gritted my teeth against that thought. No. It wasn’t happening again, and it certainly wasn’t taking up any more of my brain space.
It had done enough of that already.
“Am I?” Maya’s hand was still on my thigh, but I figured I should at least try to flirt back. If nothing else, it’d be good practice for the future. I shot her a lazy grin I’d seen Max and Dominic use so many times in the past. “Maybe you’re just biased.”
“Maybe I am.” She leaned closer, fluttering her eyelashes. They weren’t nearly as long as Dominic’s.
Why the fuck would you make that comparison?
There was a sudden warmth at my shoulder. “What are you two talking about?”
I huffed, leaning away from Dominic. I hated how I could still feel the heat of where our shoulders had briefly connected. “None of your business.”
Dominic flicked my nose. “Everything you do is my business, Shadow.”
I batted his hand away with a hiss. “Fuck off is it.”
“I’d think that was part of the deal we made.”
I froze. Neither of us had brought up what had happened. As far as I was concerned, nothing had happened. Nothing between me and Dominic, and definitely nothing a few nights later as I jacked off in bed.
Or the nights I’d jacked off thinking about it since.
“What deal?” Maya asked, sidling closer as though she was expecting juicy gossip.
Dominic’s gaze slid from me to Maya. “That’s between me and Shadow.”
Maya rolled her eyes, seemingly oblivious to the way Dominic was glaring at her. “Such a weird nickname. Why can’t you call him Ryan like everyone else?”
Dominic leaned over me. His face passed so close to mine that I jerked away and almost toppled backwards off the rail. It was only his hand gripping my thigh firmly that stopped me. “Because I’m not everyone else.”
I silenced a groan, glad Max was too busy sucking face to pay attention to this. “Ignore him, Maya. He’s just looking for a reaction.”
“Sure I am,” Dominic said sarcastically.
“Whatever.” She took her hand off my leg to fold her arms. I tried not to acknowledge the relief that coursed through me. “Maybe we could meet up later? Just the two of us?”
The answer was obvious, right? Maya was hot and into me; this was a no-brainer.
So why couldn’t I find the words to accept?
She wasn’t the only one waiting on my answer. I knew Dominic was watching me. I didn’t even need to turn my head to check, I could feel the weight of his stare boring into my skull.
Disappointment filled Maya’s eyes as she gave a brittle laugh. “Or not. Forget it. I just?—”
“Yes,” I said quickly, unable to stand upsetting her. “That sounds great. I’d love to.”
She beamed at me, bouncing forward to kiss my cheek. “Awesome! I’ll text you later?”
“I’ll look forward to it,” I said weakly. Was she wearing lip gloss? Whatever it was had left my skin feeling unbearably sticky. “See you later.”
I didn’t realise Dominic’s hand was still on my leg until I felt his fingers biting into me.
“Shit,” I hissed, shoving him away. “What the fuck, man?”
Dominic didn’t speak, just stared at me with those dark eyes that seemed to glitter.
I swallowed, my throat suddenly feeling tight. This was ridiculous. What was I even doing?
Sliding off the rail, I waved at the others. “Gonna grab a drink before class.”
Various goodbyes floated through the air, but there was one notable exception. One person who didn’t speak.
But who kept his eyes on me until I was out of sight.
Hanging out with Maya was as painful as I’d expected it to be.
We’d met up at the local park before taking a walk through the woods. She’d suggested grabbing dinner at the local chippy, but I’d hedged until we got closer. Until I could glance through the glass and confirm that Dominic wasn’t working.
I didn’t want to run into him while I was with Maya. He’d only use it as ammunition to wind me up. I was stressed enough as it was—I didn’t need him heaping his bullshit on top.
My only saving grace was that Maya didn’t seem to notice my discomfort. She took my minimal statements and ran with them. My grunts turned into whole conversations. It was quite skilful, really.
Her hand started in the crook of my arm before finding its way into my own. I knew I should be happy about this, but I wasn’t. I wasn’t even scared, which I’d half expected to be.
I just felt…nothing. Completely numb.
With a hot packet of chips in my hands, I finally had an excuse to not touch her. I ate as slowly as possible. When we were done, I made my excuses about getting home, citing a curfew.
Then I pretended not to notice how she lightly touched my shoulders before rising on her toes. Pretended not to see how close her lips came to mine. Pretended not to feel her hot breath on my face.
I stepped back and smiled widely, thanking her for a lovely evening.
Yup. That’s exactly what I said to her. Obviously I become seventy when I’m nervous and don’t know what to do.
Then I turned on my heel and walked as fast as I could in the other direction without her thinking I was weird.
When I made it to my road, I sagged in relief. There. It was done. I’d been out with her, and hopefully that’d be enough. She had to see I wasn’t interested, right?
My relief was short lived. As I drew closer to my house, this time I didn’t miss the figure sitting on my windowsill, smoke spiralling into the air above him.
Neither of us acknowledged the other as I approached. A tight knot formed in my stomach as I unlocked the front door.
I wouldn’t be able to ignore Dominic for long. He wasn’t like Maya. He saw right through my bullshit and called me on it.
I couldn’t decide whether I hated it or liked it.
I didn’t rush straight upstairs. I went into the kitchen and poured myself a glass of water, drinking it at the sink. When I was done, I stared at my reflection in the kitchen window, trying to figure out who was looking back at me.
Tonight, I’d been on a date with a beautiful girl who was interested in me. Who wanted me to kiss her. It was something that had been a dream of mine ever since I’d worked out what my dick was for.
And…I’d felt nothing.
Meanwhile, Dominic was waiting upstairs for me. Someone I hated. Who drove me fucking crazy and made me act in ways I didn’t understand.
So why was my skin tingling like I’d touched an electric fence? Why was my pulse racing? Why was I having to physically stop myself running up the stairs?
I looked away from my reflection. He didn’t have any answers and neither did I. I wasn’t going to find any hiding down here, either.
Rinsing the glass, I added it to the dishwasher and turned it on. Mum was already in bed and the dim light from Dad’s shed told me his location. No idea where Max was, but seeing as Dominic was choosing to lurk in my room, I suspected he was busy with Amy.
Like you could’ve been with Maya. Instead you’re going to spend time with Dominic.
Not because I had a choice, I told myself as I took the stairs two at a time. He was forcing his company on me, not the other way around.
“You’re back early,” he said as I closed the door behind me. He didn’t turn around, just continued to blow smoke into the night.
Tugging off my jacket, I chucked it onto my desk. “Smoking’s bad for you, you know.”
“I know. I’ve heard you tell Max often enough.”
“Ah, so it’s not that you don’t listen, just that you’re not smart enough to understand it.”
“I’m plenty smart, cheers.” He took another drag. “That’s not the issue.”
I yanked my T-shirt off and tossed it in the direction of my washing basket. It fell close enough to count. “Then why do it?”
“Because I don’t care.”
My fingers were on the button of my jeans now. “You don’t care that you could get cancer? Lung disease? Any one of many other illness that could shorten your life? You don’t care about that?”
“Nope.” He took a final drag and flicked the butt into the night. “Not everyone dreams of living to a grand old age, Shadow.”
“What? Why not?”
Dominic sighed, turning his head in my direction. “Because, Ry?—”
He stopped mid-sentence. His eyes widened as they swept over me. “Is there a reason why you’re practically naked?”
I looked down to see my jeans around my ankles. Oh fuck. Dominic was right. I’d literally been stood here shedding my clothes while talking to him.
What the fuck was I thinking?
It’s simple. I wasn’t.
Embarrassment seared me as I fought the urge to cover myself with my hands. Instead, I brazened it out. Stepping out of my jeans, I strode for my chest of drawers and grabbed a pair of joggers. “I’m getting ready for bed. If you don’t like it you can leave. It’s not like I asked you to be in here.”
Dominic rubbed a hand over his mouth. “Do you frequently strip for people in your room?”
“Only the ones I can’t stand,” I said breezily.
My tone was a lie. I was anything other than fucking breezy.
Right now I was practically hyperventilating over the knowledge that I wouldn’t be able to sleep in my boxers.
Like fuck was I removing them in front of Dominic. He’d already seen enough this evening.
Speaking of which… “Will you stop fucking staring? It’s not like you haven’t seen it before.”
After debating for a second more, I shoved my legs into the joggers. Fuck it. I could take my boxers off after Dominic left.
When I turned to face him, his head was cocked quizzically. “I haven’t seen you naked before.”
I rolled my eyes. “You’ve seen me in swim shorts.”
“Not in a couple of years.”
That was probably true. It wasn’t like I went anywhere with him and Max that required swimwear these days. “Well, you’ve seen Max in a similar state. We’re identical twins, remember?”
“Trust me, your body is nothing like Max’s.”
I laughed bitterly. “Yeah, I’m aware. I don’t need to be reminded.”
I went to move past him but his hand on my arm stopped me.
“Wait, why does that bother you?”
I searched his eyes. Was he serious? Surely he must know why.
But all I saw was genuine confusion. Honestly, Dominic claimed to be intelligent, but shit like this made me doubt it.
“Because Max spends several hours a week working out and it shows,” I said slowly, enunciating each word. “I don’t have his muscles or build, obviously.”
The crinkle between his brows deepened. “You walk a lot on your paper round.”
I huffed. “And if it caused the same level of definition, perhaps we’d look the same. But as you pointed out, we don’t.”
The hand not on my arm touched my stomach lightly, just above my belly button. A twitch kicked out where it landed, my muscles contracting.
“You don’t have the same body,” his voice rasped. “But there’s nothing wrong with yours, Ry. You’re defined in all the right places. You’ve not got anything to be ashamed of.”
His fingers dusted lower, brushing over the fine hair of my happy trail. Hot magma followed in his wake. It made me jerk away, taking several steps backwards until I was well out of his reach.
I crossed my arms, suddenly feeling more self-conscious than I had in just my underwear. “Why are you here, Dominic?”
Dom cleared his throat, shoving his hands into his pockets. “Wanted to see how your date went.”
“You wanted to see if I fucked it up?”
I could almost feel the heat rolling off of him as he met my gaze. “No. I want to know if you kissed her.”