22. Ryan
Ryan
I went back into my room to find Dominic sitting exactly where I’d left him.
“Max is pissed, huh?”
I shrugged and went to sit next to him. “He’ll get over it.”
Dominic grunted, closing his eyes. “This is all his fucking fault.”
My brow crinkled. “Max?”
“No. My dad.”
I didn’t even know what had happened, but based on how Dominic was behaving, I already hated the fucker.
“I didn’t mean to worry you both,” Dom continued. “Went for a walk after arguing with my dad and forgot my phone. Didn’t realise how late it’d got until just now.”
His hand was resting on the duvet.Once, I would’ve hesitated before touching him, but not now. It felt natural to entwine our fingers. “Want to talk about it?”
“No.” The exhaustion was clear in his voice. “But that probably means I should.”
Had his dad been responsible the last time Dominic had turned up here upset? What had helped him that time?
“Come on,” I said, getting to my feet and tugging on his hand. “Let’s get into bed.”
Dominic laughed weakly, opening one eye to peer at me. “Never thought I’d say this, Shadow, but I’m not in the mood.”
“Get your mind out of the gutter.” I tugged harder until he had no choice but to stand. “You look dead on your feet. I say we get changed and into bed.We’ll cuddle and you can decide to either talk or sleep.”
Dominic gave me a weak smile. “Now that I’m on board with.”
A few minutes later, we were tucked up in bed, the only light in the room coming from the moon outside my window. Usually, we left a lamp on when we went to bed for the first hour or so, knowing we’d either be fooling around or chatting.
Somehow, I didn’t think Dominic wanted light for this conversation.
My head was on his chest as he gently played with my hair. If it weren’t for his racing heart under my ear, I might have believed he was calm. But he wasn’t. Far from it.
Finally, Dominic let out a long breath. “My dad is a dick.”
I knew that already. Had known it since he dropped the bombshell about not having any food in the house.
“He drinks,” he continued in a whisper. “And when he drinks, he gets mean.”
The pit that had formed in my gut earlier was back. I wanted to ask how, but I didn’t want to interrupt Dominic. He needed to get this off his chest, whatever it was, so I stayed silent.
“My mum died when I was four.” I heard his throat click as he swallowed. “It was my fault.”
“No,” I said immediately, lifting my head so I could see his face. “Dominic, that’s not true.”
“It is.” There were no tears, just a hollow belief in what he was saying. “She died because of me.”
I blinked at him in disbelief, bracing my palm on his chest. “That’s not possible, Dom. You were four. Four .”
“We were on a picnic.” He continued like I hadn’t spoken. “It was hot. It was summer, and I was so hot. I just wanted to get my feet wet. Maybe splash around a bit.”
Oh fuck. I knew Dominic’s mum had died when he was young, but not how. It had never occurred to me to ask.
Just as it hadn’t occurred to me until this very moment that I’d never heard him mention her.
Not once.
“She told me not to go near the river. I waited until she was distracted unpacking the picnic before sneaking away. I wasn’t trying to be naughty, I swear. I just wanted to play in the water. I?—”
He cut himself off with a shaky exhale. His chest vibrated under my palm, like his heart was fracturing as he relived it.
This wasn’t right. Dominic might’ve arranged us like this, but it was clear to me what he needed. Propping myself up, I tugged him into my arms. His head landed on my shoulder, his face buried in my neck once more. “Ssh, it’s okay.”
He was shaking violently like he was coming apart at the seams. I clutched him tighter, refusing to let him. If he couldn’t hold himself together, then I’d do it for him.
“I-I…I didn’t mean to fall in,” he stammered against my neck. “It was my fault.”
He didn’t tell me what had happened next. He didn’t need to. There was only one river around here, and there was a reason we never swam in it. People who did rarely resurfaced. The current was too strong. Anyone could guess how a mother would react to her child falling in.
“It wasn’t your fault,” I said, quietly but firmly. “You were a child, Dom. It was an accident.”
“It should’ve been me. I should’ve been the one who died.”
“No.” My fingers tightened instinctively as a visceral flash of fear went through me. “Your mum saved you, Dominic. She made that choice because she loved you.”
“She didn’t know she’d die because of it.”
I swallowed around the ball in my throat. Did Dominic carry this guilt and shame around with him all the time? Since the age of four?
“She wouldn’t have cared even if she had known,” I said slowly. “That’s what parents are meant to do, right? Love their kids so much that they’ll risk their lives to protect them. Your parents wouldn’t have wanted you to die instead.”
“My dad would merrily disagree with you there.”
There was a brief pause while my brain processed those words. A moment of calm.
Followed by a white-hot flash of rage.
I was speechless. My mouth wouldn’t work, but that didn’t stop the questions racing through my mind.
How the fuck could Dominic’s dad think that? Let alone say it with such conviction that Dominic believed it?
I wasn’t a violent person. I took beatings, quite literally, lying down. But right now, I wanted to make Dominic’s father hurt. For him to feel a tiny shred of the pain he’d put his son through.
“Dominic, look at me.”
He lifted his head wearily. There were still no tears.
Part of me wondered if Dominic ever cried.
If he ever let himself truly feel his emotions.
“Dom, it wasn’t your fault. You were a child and what happened was an accident.
I never knew your mum, but I know she wouldn’t want you carrying this guilt. ”
His eyes shuttered. “You can’t know that.”
“I can,” I said fiercely, grabbing his chin between my pointer finger and my thumb.
I held him firm, not letting him duck away.
“I can, because there’s no way you’d want someone feeling that way if the situation was reversed.
You’re a good person, Dom. A kind person.
Caring. Shit, you saw bruises on me once and took it upon yourself to protect me. And you didn’t even like me then.”
“I wouldn’t say that.” His voice was quiet. “I think it’d be more accurate to say I was trying not to like you.”
Normally, that kind of statement would’ve sent giddy butterflies fluttering through my stomach, but nothing other than seeing Dominic smile was going to get rid of the stone that was currently taking up all the space there.
“Regardless, you still did it, because that’s the kind of person you are.
You give a shit about those around you. You actively try to make their lives better.
” Even us hiding our relationship demonstrated that.
Dom knew it would hurt Max if he learned the truth, if we flaunted what we were, so we didn’t.
“Given what a cunt your dad is, you didn’t get those traits from him. You must’ve got them from her.”
There. The smallest curl at the edge of his lip. A hint that Dom was coming back to me. “You really see me that way?”
“Yes.” I stroked his hair. “I do, Dom, because that’s who you are. Your dad has no idea of the son he has, and he’s the one who will miss out because of it.”
“Damn right he will.” Dominic sighed, dropping a kiss on my chest before moving up the bed until he was on the pillow beside me. “First chance I get, I’m out of here. I won’t come back. Ever. Not for him. He thinks it’d be better if I were dead? Fine. That’s exactly how it’ll be.”
I traced my hand up and down his arm. “Where will you go?”
His mouth opened but no sound came out. His head swivelled to face me, and there was something in his eyes. Something I couldn’t quite put my finger on.
My brow crinkled. “Dom?”
He cleared his throat, turning his gaze to the ceiling. “Dunno. Far away though.”
My fingers stilled. “What about…what about us?”
“Don’t worry about that, Shadow.” He hauled me into his arms and planted a smacking kiss on the top of my head. “That’s for future us to worry about.”
That wasn’t an answer, but given what Dominic had been through tonight, now wasn’t the right time to push it.
After a while, his breathing evened out. I was right. Dominic had just needed to get it off his chest.
As for me?
I lay awake for hours, worrying about what future me was going to have to deal with. Whether that future, which apparently involved Dominic getting as far away from here as possible, meant leaving me behind too.
Dominic didn’t bring up his plan again.
Neither did I.
It was there though, just existing in the space between us. Whenever our friends brought up where we’d be in October, Dominic would tense. Same as when Mum brought up my uni choices at the dinner table, pointing out how handy Southampton was for popping back home.
The only thing Dom was happy to discuss was my course choice. He was adamant that I should opt for art.
I brushed him off. Him and Mum both. The truth was, I couldn’t make a decision until I knew where Dom would be. The art options would actually keep me closer to home, but was there any point in that when Dominic wouldn’t be here?
You’d think it’d be easier to just ask him again, but I couldn’t. Just as he couldn’t seem to bring it up. It was like a bubble that neither of us wanted to address, lest it pop.
That was the thing with bubbles though. They didn’t last forever. Even the biggest and brightest ones would eventually pop. Evaporating into nothing and leaving no trace that they’d ever existed in the first place.
“Eat up,” Mum said, putting another cup of tea in front of me. “You can’t sit your final exam on an empty stomach.”
I shoved the cereal around with my spoon. “I’m too stressed.”
Dominic’s foot came to rest against mine under the table. “You’ve got this, Shadow. Think of all the revising you’ve been doing.”
I waited for Max to make a comment about how I had golden balls or similar. Maybe he could read my stress levels though, because he didn’t. Just kept eating his cereal while tapping at his phone.
Giving up, I pushed my bowl away. “Doubt it’s going to help. I need to ace this if I’m going to get onto a business course.”
Dom nudged my cuppa closer. “Maybe that’s a sign that you should be doing art instead.”
“Oh, that’d make me so happy.” Mum sighed, her hand resting on my shoulder. “You’ve got a talent, Ryan. You shouldn’t waste it.”
Like everyone else, Mum had no idea that Dom and I were together. She was, however, thrilled that he was encouraging me to pursue art. “Maybe.”
Dad closed his paper and stood. “Right. I’m off.”
Mum frowned as he strode for the door. “Aren’t you going to wish the boys luck?”
Max had his final exam today too. Mum didn’t dare make the same fuss over him though, not with the shit fit he’d thrown last time she’d attempted it.
Dad sent a confused look back at her. “For what?”
“For their exams,” she said. If it weren’t for how tightly her hand was now gripping my shoulder, I’d have had no idea she was upset. “It’s their final one today, Darren.”
“Oh.” He was already heading for the door again. “Good luck, I suppose.”
A heavy silence lingered in his wake. I found myself meeting Max’s gaze and finding the same concern there. A worry that had been steadily growing over the past few years. A worry that maybe we were going to be having two sets of bedrooms. Two Christmases. Two separate family lives.
Dominic stood abruptly, giving Mum a gentle smile. “How about I put the kettle on? You look like you could use another cup before you get the bus.”
“Right,” Mum said distractedly, patting Dom’s arm as he drew near. “You’re a good boy, Dominic. I’m so glad my boys have you.”
My heart swelled. He was good, and we were lucky to have him.
Fuck, I just hoped I’d get to keep him.