CHAPTER SEVENTEEN Mah-e asal
VANYA
A PINK SAND beach.
This was something more exquisite than I could’ve ever imagined. When Xerxes told me to pack a bag and he would take me to paradise, he didn’t lie.
I was excited to be taking this trip out of North Carolina. With no memory of having been in any other state, leaving the country for the first time was monumental. I’d never seen the inside of the airport before and I was shocked when Xerxes said he never had either.
It wasn’t until he explained he had only seen private airplane hangars and that he owned his own aircraft. Or we owned our own aircraft. He reminded me of the helicopter that I’d seen and even been on and I had to admit I’d forgotten about it. I’d never been out of the country before, but the first time I was going was on a private jet. That my family owned.
We’d woken up to the sunrise in Bermuda. The wedding had gone on into the wee hours of the morning because as eager as we were to be together, we also enjoyed being with our friends and family. The royals left shortly after dinner without a word but were as obvious about their departure as possible.
We’d performed the Raghseh Chaghoo which was a ceremonial knife dance. It was done as a means of extortion from us but Xerxes had come prepared. Jada was the one in charge of keeping the knife away from us so that we had to pay. The entire bridal side of the bridal party took part and I was shocked as Sho and Quentin stood on each side of us handing us stacks of bills to pay off each attendant in order to get our cake cutting knife. I asked him at the end how much money he’d brought and almost fell out when he said there was over a million dollars in cash so that we could tip our vendors, staff, and the hotel employees. The bridal party alone had made off with thousands. Jada’s payout was the largest of all. ‘Cause I wasn’t about to negotiate with that girl while she was holding a knife. Even if she had a Smoke break, her crazy could flare up at any time.
My head spun with how much wealth was being thrown around but it wasn’t in a flashy way. Despite that, who could spend a million dollars in tips for one night? Apparently, my husband could.
The night ended with the most beautiful send off. Thousands of flower petals were dropped from the ceiling and even more were tossed at us as we made our way out of the venue. I hugged every woman there because I was grateful and cried at the blessing Xerxes’ parents prayed over us all before we got into the car. After a short drive, I was boarding the family jet and taking my first trip out of Charlotte. Xerxes carried me up the steps and refused to tell me where we were going. Only that we were heading to one of the family compounds. As badly as I wanted to stay awake, I drifted off in my wedding gown with a smile on my face and my body wrapped around my husband’s.
The house that the Cannons owned was on its own private beach near Tucker’s Point in St. George’s parish. We were in Bermuda, an island not too far away from the United States but felt like a world of difference. The house was more like an estate rivaling the size of a palace, with multiple suites clearly designed for multi-generational vacationing. The house had been recently renovated according to Xerxes. His parents had purchased the estate for pennies during the last housing crisis and waited a while to renovate it. They’d done so in the last few years, so every part of the house felt brand new.
For a girl who’d thought that Charlotte was the biggest city in the world even after five years of being there, leaving the country was something I’d only dreamed about. Despite having the financial means to do so, fears of the unknown kept me in place. Frankie was the only person I’d trusted enough to travel with and since she’d been pregnant, then had a newborn and was hiding out from Liam, we never did it. To experience this kind of first with Xerxes was magical.
I’d thought Xerxes would tease me, even in a kind way, but he didn’t. He simply heard that I needed a passport, made it happened and promised to cover it in stamps. He said Nyima had requested of Jahmir to travel and that we would probably enjoy many couples’ trips with them and the rest of their friends over the years. There was a part of me that felt like I lacked the sophistication necessary to be Xerxes’ wife. Especially when all the women around me were so polished. Frankie was a CEO and so was Jasmine. Nevaeh was a jewelry designer an heiress and an ambassador of the UCCA. Jerica was a consultant a freaking Countess and Nyima was an educator and had the most soothing spirit of anyone I’d ever met. I had no clue what the hell Jada did but she was doing enough to be in the mix with this group and people listen when she spoke. And Asha was a professor so she was smart as hell. I knew my insecurity came from a place of not having a formal education and being made to feel stupid by my former family. It might have been just a piece of paper, but I was going to talk to Xerxes when we were done about taking college courses. Not to prove anything to anyone else but to be granted the opportunity I’d been denied.
The thought of having a group of friends made me slightly hesitant because it was something else that was an adjustment, but I had to remember that so was Frankie when I met her. She was an unknown that I felt compelled to help because she looked so miserable being pregnant and alone. And once I heard her story I couldn’t help but want to be her friend. She had a spirit that people gravitated toward, which is why Liam made me so angry then. But they were happy. And he treated her like she was his reason for breathing. And now I trusted him with her and even saw why she was so in love with him. They fit together. To their credit, the women were all extremely nice, which was something I hadn’t seen before. Even Navi told me to brace myself for how loving they would be and she was right. Jemma Marie had been quiet and the more I spoke with her, the more I understood her reasons. When she spoke, it was usually to Nyima or Navi because they were the people she felt the most comfortable around. I hoped she would open up more, but I could understand her hesitation after being institutionalized.
We’d slept most of the day away and had only just woken up to find something to eat. The chef had left several meals in the fridge for us and I hurried through eating because I was ready to sleep with my husband. I kicked Xerxes out of the suite and told him I’d text him when I wanted him to come back. I’d used the oil that had been blended with the same scents as the perfume Xerxes had given me as part of my bridal trousseau. It was slightly sweeter scented than the regular scent but smelled just as good. The man needed to customize fragrance for a living because he was exceptional at it. I put on the outfit I’d purchased for tonight and sent the text message to have him come join me. I was being bold, despite the feeling churning in my gut. The dis-ease that threatens to make me change my mind.
I gave myself the pep talk hoping that my time with Xerxes wouldn’t be the way it had been with Johnathan. So much was different but men all had the same urges. The mechanics were the same so I wasn’t sure how it would be any better. I reminded myself as I smoothed down the white silk gown that everything else about him was perfect so I could grin and bear this. The feelings he invoked were already different so maybe this wouldn’t be so bad after all.
I could hear the soft padding of his footsteps coming closer to the door that I’d left cracked open. I fluffed out my hair and stood in front of the bed, hoping I didn’t look as nervous as I was.
“What is zhis?” He walked in and brought a cloud of deliciousness and exuding sex appeal. My idea of sexual desire had been suppressed and deemed wicked when I was going through puberty and then distorted once I could morally act on it. Desiring Xerxes was too natural to feel wrong but my worry about us pleasing one another was at the forefront.
His hair was damp, his waves trying to become curls. He brushed his hair back off his face placing his features on full display. Xerxes lower body was all that was covered. My name that had been freshly inked on his collarbone and the matching Persian for zibā on his ring finger. His body was beautifully sculpted, the muscles of his chest and abs firm, his arms thick and powerful. I stood mesmerized watching him make his way toward me from the door. Our room was large, with French doors on one end and soft cream walls and a large canopy bed. When he was close, Xerxes leaned forward and inhaled the spot at the base of my throat that had my nipples pebbling against the silk of my gown.
“Our wedding night turned into a wedding morning and then we were exhausted on the flight over. I didn’t want to let us get too used to not being together, since things are different now.”
I held up the curved yellow gold wedding band that fit perfectly beneath my engagement ring. There was no way I could wear this much bling around daily all the time but I’d hesitated to take it off, loving the both of them being there. They symbolized more than marriage to me. More than being possessed by a man who seemed almost too good to be true. They symbolized the freedom I had in choosing with my heart and my head this time around. Of being respected and protected, even if I originally balked at it. This man and the feelings I’d tried so hard to ignore the moment I met him were the reason. The danger his family might pose to me was just an excuse not to act on them.
Xerxes studied me in the same reverent way he always did but it felt more intense than before. “You look like an angel, zibā.”
I bit my lip nervously trying to calm my racing heart. “Not quite what I was going for.”
“Zhis halo of hair, zhis white against your skin, I can’t help but zhink about how pure and perfect you look.” He trailed kisses up my neck, his hand tracing up the hollow of my throat to the bottom of my chin. His eyes connected to mine and the passion was unmistakable. “I must confess I had not zhought of being zhe one seduced tonight.”
I smiled teasingly as I noticed how the vein in his neck pulsed. “Why not? You’re the only one who has been holding back.”
“True. I must say the torture has been extensive but the culmination of seeing zhis zhrough will be more zhan pleasurable.”
I could only smile because I wasn’t exactly sure about that, but I hoped. “Only one way to find out.”
He met my smile before kissing the sense out of my head. I could only close my eyes and lose myself in the sensations he extracted from me. The way he created this feverish need within had me rubbing my body against his so that I could feel him more. In my flat feet, Xerxes had to bend slightly to reach my face. I wasn’t a short woman, but he still had me by eight inches. His hands moved from my hips, squeezed my ass firmly before bringing me into his hardness. It wasn’t the first time I’d felt it, but it was the first time I knew nothing would hold us back. I recognized the unfamiliar moisture I could feel forming between my thighs and I didn’t hesitate to rub myself more firmly against him. We mutually moaned in each other’s mouths and he pulled me even closer to him.
I broke the kiss unable to stand it any longer and walked back toward the bed. I laid down pulling the bottom of my nightgown up to my waist and stared at the ceiling. My leg bounced slightly from nerves and anticipation.
“Vanya?”
I sat up on my elbows to look at him wondering if there was something about my body that he didn’t like. My freckles were all over including my stomach and my legs. His dick was still hard, attempting to push through the boundaries of the fabric of his pants. But his face was filled with confusion. “Do you want me to turn over instead?”
“I am trying to understand—”
“Oh, I’m sorry. Should I…” I gestured toward the tent in his pajama pants before sitting up. It’d been so long but I should’ve known or at least should’ve asked if he wanted me to help him prepare. I crawled back toward him on the bed reaching for his waistband as he watched me with a mix of emotions on his face. “I know you won’t say mean things but…please don’t finish on my face. I don’t like it.”
My hands went to his waistband when his fingers wrapped around mine stopping me. I looked up and his eyes were hard and furious.
“Mean zhings? Vanya, stop.”
“What is it?” I leaned back resting my butt on my calves as I watched him watching me.
“You cannot say tings like zhis and expect me to proceed without having questions.” I blinked and then shook my head because I wasn’t trying to ruin our night together.
“But I don’t want them here.”
“I don’t eizer but you have hesitations and I need to know why. And I’m not going to let a situation that has clearly changed how you feel about being intimate go unaddressed. Zhat wouldn’t make me better zhan zhe person who caused you harm.”
“I’m fine, I just want to get through—”
He pointed at me in a way that was nonthreatening but I could tell would still leave me vulnerable. “And zhat is exactly why I won’t. Zhis is an experience. One I want to be pleasurable. But we cannot have ghosts of zhe past lingering, Vanya. Clean slate.”
“He would want me to prepare him for sex but sometimes he would finish on my face and call me a whore. Stupid.. really gross stuff.”
“ Bayad bemire (He must die)! I will cut out his lying tongue and shove it up his ass.”
The romance of the moment was gone his anger taking up all the space in the room.
“This is why I didn’t want to talk about this. It’s the past.” I went to put my hands on his shoulder but he stepped back, which crushed me.
“Zhat can influence us now. I won’t allow zhat to happen. I don’t want anyzing else tainted wiz zhem. You’ve got to let me in. Because not doing so, not sharing zhis is letting zhem win. Forgive me, eshgham , I need a minute. I hate for you to zhink my anger is directed at you, but I am rage-filled. Allow me a minute and we can talk when you’re ready.”
“That’s it? You’re going to leave?” I didn’t want him to leave but I didn’t want us to argue about them tonight. The hopes I’d been feeling about overcoming this were gone. The lust had abated and confusion that had never existed in our relationship was now thick between us.
“I will never touch my wife when I’m angry. Zhat links zhe pleasure I receive from you wiz zhe feeling of violence and I will never conflate zhe two. Your body is not a vessel I will ever use for anything other zhan our mutual pleasure. I love you, Vanya Mahdavi Cannon. Give me a minute and then we can talk.”
He bent down and kissed my cheek before he walked out of the bedroom.