Chapter Eighteen - Pagosh
MY SECOND DAY being married and I was already questioning my ability to be a good husband.
Well, the ability to be to her what I wanted to be.
I had known for months that Vanya’s first marriage wasn’t a good one. I’d known there was some type of manipulation by their adoptive parents that basically forced them to get married. Having seen the way he behaved toward her, I assumed that he was eager to get her back out of some type of narcissistic, obsessive love.
I was wrong.
From this glimpse into what had occurred, this wasn’t love. It was punishment. Like he was angry for the situation she had no control over and punished her in the only way he could without being a criminal. But emotional abuse was just as bad and the little I knew bordered on sexual assault.
I’d paced the floors of my office, fighting the urge to call someone from advice. I couldn’t be the head of my family and not be able to lead it, even if it was just the two of us, but I was blinded by my rage.
I was going to murder her ex-husband.
It was already on my agenda to perform but I’d gotten sidetracked having to clean up the mess my cousin Karman made in Texas. And then business had to be attended to, but now it was slowly creeping up even higher on my list. Number one was still ensuring that Vanya felt safe and secure within our union, but that fucker had to die.
Slowly.
I was unsure if the way he deserved to be tortured before he died had been invented yet. But if not, my brain was surely going to discover it and test my theory scientifically until it delivered the results that I wanted.
When she’d gone to lie back on the bed and just stared at the ceiling I was hoping she was just nervous. But my wife didn’t feel that she had the autonomy to be a full participant in our sex life and that pissed me off even more. She was a beautiful woman, and the way she responded to me made me proud especially with what I knew now. But I had to get her out of the idea that she couldn’t feel joy or have ownership of herself or her sexuality when we were together.
I sat at the large desk in the office of the primary wing trying to quell the anger that had only dimmed to a rolling boil. The room was covered in dappled sunlight as the day started to fade. It was close to dinnertime but I had no appetite. The walls of the office were a soft cream; the wood was kept blonde so that the entire space felt large and inviting. The bookcase flanked French doors opened up to the side lawn and just beyond them was a sitting area. Dom had created the television and phone system so they could be hooked up for video calls. None of it was on as I struggled to keep my thoughts focused.
The fear on Vanya’s face when she thought I would treat her the same way they had tore at me. I knew she understood I wasn’t like them, so why would she assume I would want to treat her with anything other than the highest respect in our bed than he had?
That question ate at me, at my soul, and I was unsure how to move forward.
Should I have left her?
I didn’t want her to feel the weight of my presence at a time that she was so vulnerable. But was that the right decision? Would staying with her have shown her that I was going to have her back no matter what? That abandoning her was something I would never do despite how heavy times got?
Those thoughts propelled me up from my seat and toward the door. I reached for the handle and jerked it open just as Vanya raised her hand to knock on it. Her fist crashed clumsily into my face, and she jerked her hand back as she gasped.
“Oh, no! I’m so sorry I wasn’t—” Her eyes were wide and I could see the discomfort she had that went beyond the contact she’d made with my face.
“Peace, eshgham . It was only an accident. Your fist is not hard enough to do damage to a head as hard as mine.” I kept my voice gentle because I could see that mentally, she was beating herself up for a simple mistake.
Vanya’s face softened from the panic that had filled it when she realized that she’d hit me and her body relaxed.
“I was coming to talk to you.” She was fidgeting with her hands but had no problem looking at me.
“As was I. I did not want you to feel as zhough I were not zhere to support how you were feeling. But I felt because I was unsure if my presence was comforting or intimidating. Honestly…”
The panic on her face returned and I put my hands on her arms out of habit.
“Honestly what? Did I do something wrong?”
“I need you to relax around me. Zhat is what I mean. I feel as zhough I cannot provide you wiz zhe peace zhat you should naturally feel wizin zhe confines of our homes. As a man, zhat type of void tears at my confidence. My greatest desire in my life is for my wife to have days filled wiz joy. If you lack in some area zhat means I am not doing my job, and I refuse to fail at being a good husband. I have desired to wear zhis title for you for far too long to not be successful at it. So please tell me how I may be better.”
Her eyes welled up at my confession and I pulled her to me. “It’s not you. It’s me who is failing.”
“No, zhat isn’t true.”
She tried to pull away but I wrapped her up and kissed the side of her hair, inhaling the scent of the body oil she’d used to hydrate it and her skin. “It is. It’s my hangups, my brain—”
“Even if that were the truz, I should still provide a place for your soul to find peace. Zhat even when your brain wants to tell you zhat you’re not enough it is too afraid to whisper zhose words because my presence puts the fear of God in them. I will be the man that will kill the voice zhat your past put inside of your head as the arbiter of your self worz. You are zhe one who determines what you are worthy of, not them. And every day I need to be a reminder of that, I will be.”
“I don’t deserve—”
I nodded profusely as I cut her off from saying something that would piss me off. “Anyzing less than the best. I agree, mon amour .”
Her smile was immediate, the sight of it warming me and letting me know not all for today was lost. “Xerxes,
“I will not allow you to anger me or disagree with me on this. I know my purpose in zhis life and it is to ensure zhat you are loved beyond your wildest dreams. Anyzing less zhan that is unacceptable.”
She looked around nervously, not meeting my eye before she boldly looked up. “Can we talk about… about earlier?”
I took a step back and held out my hand, welcoming her into my office. “Is here okay or do you want to go into another room?”
“Here is fine.”
She took measured steps into the room, the white silk gown almost trailing down to the floor. The gossamer thin material showcased the outline of her body and my brain battled my dick to have some decorum, since this topic was too sensitive. It didn’t help, though. The sight of Vanya’s face made him act up, but her body? It was a wrap as I felt him press against the front of my pajama pants. I was wondering if I should adjust my shit or not but that decision was taken away from me when she turned abruptly. Her eyes went down to the bulge and I saw that worry come back over her face.
“Vanya, I might not understand all zhat you have been zhrough but I need you to understand this. My dick will never be used as a weapon against you. It pains me zhat you are so jaded at zhe zhought of intimacy because someone abused you and your trust. But I promise you, on my life, I will never harm you that way. And if you do not believe me, call your new favorite person and ask her. She would surely see me wizout it before she allowed me to use it to harm anyone.”
The thought of my mother cutting my dick off brought a smile to Vanya’s face. I once again praised Allah for granting me the mother I had. She was still putting in that maternal work despite having a son as grown as I was.
“Maman Babette told me that if you stepped one foot wrong she would put you in your place.”
“A zhreat I assure you that she would not hesitate to act upon. Everyone grossly underestimates zhe deadliness of my mozer. Much to zheir detriment.”
“I don’t know if I will ever be that way.”
I lifted her chin so that she had to face me. “You walked away from everyzing zhat held you back. You faced your fears and the people who instilled zhem in you. Instead of giving in, you broke free. So many live in the fear daily and never escape. Some internalize it and then lash out at others. But not you. You believed enough in yourself to break free. Zhere is nozing else more bad ass than that.”
She smiled softly and I could see the blush infuse into her cheeks. “Thank you. I need to believe that about myself.”
“Zhen I will remind you everyday. Your confidence has been eroded by people who see your strength and want you to feel smaller because zhey are afraid of you. Afraid of you being too powerful. But now you no longer carry zhe burden of zheir inadequacies. So continue to zhrive the way you should’ve been allowed to from zhe beginning.” I pressed a kiss to the back of her hand allowing my lips to linger on her pink sugar scented skin. Slowly I released it allowing it to rest by her hip.
My eyes traveled up her form again until I reached her face. As much as I desired, I wouldn’t allow my eyes to rest upon her body in a way that could be misinterpreted. She needed my comfort and I was more than happy to provide it.
“I’m sorry for all the times I thought you were a bad man. I’ve known bad men before and you’re nothing like them.”
I could only chuckle at her confession because my wife needed to remember who she married. “Vanya, I killed a man in your living room. I’m far more understanding at how zhat might make you zhink I’m a bad man.”
“But you did it to protect me and I was ungrateful. For that I apologize. I understand that you all… you all only hurt to protect and that is an instinct I can understand completely. The desire to defend those and those you love. I haven’t experienced it until now and I am not going to see it as anything but a blessing.”
“So if I were to say… eradicate everyone in your past that harmed you, that would be an idea amenable to you?”
“Xerxes.” Her face was blank as though she knew I was being serious but was unsure of what her answer should be. I smoothed the silk of her gown beneath my hands to ease my words.
“People who zhink zheir job is done after one happy day or grand gesture are zhe ones who forget to ensure zheir partners are appreciated. My fazer near worships zhe ground my mother walks on. My mother has proven her faiz and loyalty and love to him in innumerable ways over the years. I have too great a pattern of devotion set forz in front of me for me to provide you wiz anyzing less.”
“You feel like a dream.” She sighed like she was truly reckoning with how to balance who she was then and now.
“Well, wake up, Mrs. Cannon. Zhis is your reality.”
Her smile brightened then dimmed before she looked back at me. “I supposed you want to know the story. Like, the real one.”
“Learning more about you is a pleasure I would never deny myself so zhe answer is always yes.”
She sighed and I could see the stubborn look on her face like she wanted to delay this conversation. “Even if it’s the talk?”
“Are you sure you are ready for zhat?”
“I’m fairly certain that you won’t run far away from me so yes, I’m sure.”
“Zhe only running I would do is toward you, Vanya. You and our future. Zhe desire to be away from you is a state of being I will never find a home in because it is such an affront to my concept of joy.” I was stroking her hair and staring into her eyes because I needed her to feel every word.
“I can’t imagine this eloquence thing being something I will ever get used to. The way you speak to me makes me feel…rare.”
“Zhen I am living up to my vows. Zhere is no eloquence zhing, I am from a man who is more than a romantic. He is a poet when he speaks of my mother. And I understand. Zhe feelings in my chest zhat bloomed when I saw your face. It is indescribable. So it is not somezing zhat can be attributed to a simple few words. It needs expansion and understanding and highlighting. It is the only way to explain it.”
She was blinking rapidly and I knew it was to keep her tears at bay. “That was beautiful. I… wow.”
“Words to me are like a palette of oils to an artist. You wouldn’t want him to paint in only primary colors, correct? You would want every spectrum of the colors to be used in order to invoke feeling, to show zhe emotion of the work. Zhat is how I am wiz words. I would not say you have red hair. It does your crown no justice. But saying zhat your hair is like zhe molten rock zhat is expelled from a volcano as it erupts? It is as bright as zhe same smoldering golden lava down to the burnished and deep reds of zhe purest flame. It’s like a sunset, pure heat and fire melding into one another but each pigment capturing and reflecting its own unique beauty.” I fingered one coil of her hair tugging it and watching it spring back toward her face.
“So not just red.” She was blushing, a habit I found incredibly adorable and somehow tempting. A visual notice of how my words brought her pleasure.
“No. Your hair is like a dancing flame. Commanding and consuming and enchanting everyzing around it. I’ve been mesmerized by it since the moment I saw you.”
“It’s just hair.”
The last thing I would do was allow my wife to self-deprecate especially when it was one of my favorite features. “It is a symbol of strengz. So many before you were not allowed to live because of the color of zhat hair. But your hair is defiance in zhe face of death. Some ancestor or ancestors of yours defied the odds to pass that gene down to you. We cannot take it for granted. Inshallah it will be passed down to children we make. Alzough we will fall into bed wiz grateful hearts but nerves shot over zheir antics. But you had somezing to speak to me about. Come, let us not sully the air in here wiz it. Let us go for a walk.”
“A walk?” She glanced out at the French doors then back at me.
I nodded wanting to get out in the elements so that she didn’t have to worry about feeling trapped in the walls of the house. No matter how big it was, being outside where she was free to move was probably better for her to talk.
“I’ve always found zhat zhe use of my brain and my body when I’m feeling heightened emotions has always allowed me to process them better. Zhe energy that is generated by the emotions released can be trapped in your limbs. Instead, if you’re moving it, you use it before it has time to settle. So, would you mind walking wiz me? We can look and see if zhere are any changes to the property you might want in the future and the air will allow your stress to be carried away.”
Vanya smiled softly before she nodded her hand. “I’d like that.”
Hand in hand, we walked through the house and I tried to appear far more relaxed than I was. I knew this conversation was going to shift something between the two of us, I just wasn’t sure what. And if it would be something that drew us closer together or further apart. I barely registered the brand new kitchen that had only been used a few times but had been meticulously updated with side-by-side ovens and a large range. The cabinets were the same turquoise as the sea and the kitchen had soft pink accents to match the sand.
There was a large mudroom that led to the outside and I led her through the doors and stopped at the expansive green of the backyard, taking in the sound of the waves in the distance.
“Where vould you like to go?”
She glanced around but I could tell by how she tried to avoid it what her heart really desired. “Would the beach be okay?”
“Of course.” I whistled to signal to Sho and Quentin, whichever one was on duty right now, that we were heading off the confines of the yard and down to the beach. She smiled at me in a silent appreciation of how I was ensuring we were still protected despite how remote the property was.
Despite the house being so far away from others, I knew firsthand that things and people were always waiting on you to strike. There would never be a moment that I didn’t have someone that would be a second set of eyes on her.
We walked carefully down the steps, which were now lit by solar lights and I could tell she didn’t relax until she saw the water, heard it hitting the shore and felt the softness of the sand beneath her feet.
Had I been thinking I would’ve grabbed a shirt for myself and a robe for her, but the beach was secluded and Sho and Quentin were trained to assist but to also keep private moments private.
Vanya’s eyes were on the sunset, its colors more the subdued hues of pink, gold and purple than the colors of her hair. She took a deep breath before she turned to me. I took that as my cue to ask her the question that lingered.
“Where do you want to start?”
Vanya smiled faintly her eyes looking momentarily lost before she sighed. “I’m not sure. My earliest memories that are clear are of them. But I have one memory of humming that I can’t get out of my head a tune to a song I don’t know the words to, but the melody, the cadence is ingrained in my mind. The Kennedys were just sort of there one day. Nice people that I would see and then they were just sort of there all the time in my mind. It was almost insidious with the ease in which they just became my life.”
“And zhe boy, your ex?”
She fake gagged, which caused me to chuckle at how she could make light within memories so dark. “He was apparently one of the first children that they found or adopted or rescued. There was some stereotypical sob story about most of us in order to make themselves look like bigger heroes.”
“White saviors.”
Just like the missionaries who traveled to Africa or the ones who stole indigenous children in Canada, religion was often used as a justification for harm. The harm of conformity and diversity being villainized.
“Yes. That’s how they wanted the world to see them. And most people did. They never said too much about me, but I was still supposed to see it as a gratitude that I was there. No one saw us as being a light to them since they didn’t have kids, it was always us who should’ve been happy no matter how they treated us.” Vanya’s head was down, her pretty freckled feet making circles in the sand.
“And how was zhat?” I was pressing her, not to rush her, but so that she could unburden this grief of her childhood.
Vanya started to toy with her hair the fading light making it look like flaming gold. Her shape was highlighted with the rays of light shining through the gossamer like fabric. “Like there was no love there. It was indoctrination. I have nothing against religion as you can see when you feel the need to pray but with them they wanted us to be grateful to have found the God as they presented it to us. You know Mormonism didn’t allow Black people for so long because our skin color made us dirty and was supposed to be a display of our sin outwardly. But they only wanted to adopt children of color.”
“Seems like they wanted to be viewed as having saved you all from sin, but your skin color isn’t one. Just a racist, twisted way of zhinking about zhe world and excluding people in a way zhat didn’t make zhem seem terrible.”
“That sounds about right. They were extremely strict with me. Parentified me so that I had to help with everyone else. It wasn’t until I hit puberty that shit got weird.”
I frowned because the tone of her voice and the nervousness on her face put me on edge. “Weird how? Wiz your ex?” Her hesitation had my heart racing as she avoided looking at me for several seconds.
“My adoptive father—”
I lowered my head and closed my eyes so that I could get ahold of my anger. When it was simmering instead of boiling I looked back up at her so I could gain clarity. “Vanya, I will swim back to Norz Carolina and strangle zhat man to death if you say what I zhink you’re about to.”
Her hands were on my arms as though she could stop me from diving into the ocean. She turned my face to hers and I could see the panic there. “No, not like that. Not exactly. He used to pay a lot of attention to me.”
“I am sorry for interrupting but you are giving my mind time to wander. And zhat allows for me to plan out zhe deazs of the people who have harmed you in meticulous detail. I need you to ease my mind zhat you do not mean in zhat way. Zhe attention.”
Vanya held her breath before releasing it. “I can’t.”
I had to snap my jaw shut so that I didn’t curse in front of her and make her feel like she’d caused my frustration. I’m sure she understood why I felt this way, but a cooler head needed to rule. For now.
I took a deep breath and released it incrementally to give my body a chance to calm. “Slowly and wiz precision, zhen. Got it.” She wrapped my arm around her shoulder and nuzzled into my side. A move she knew would force me to relax. And it worked. My breathing slowed allowing my thoughts to reorganize so that I could be there for my wife.
“I would tell you to ask questions but I feel you don’t want to.”
I pulled Vanya closer into my side so I could provide her comfort and ground myself. “I want you to talk. To get whatever weighs you down off. Zhis is a place of renewal. People zhink of Bermuda as a place of loss. I always zhink zhat maybe zhe people lost in zhe infamous triangle made it to shore and could survive in some ways. To carve out a life in zhis paradise even for a short while. Being here, even wiz its commercialization is peaceful to me. It’s not populated year round and zhe ability to find rest is important.”
“Does the house in Charlotte not give you that?” I knew she was worried that she hadn’t done her job and provided me an oasis and I pulled her closer to extract some of the stiffness in her body.
“It does. Zhis is extra. I zhink zhis house will be yours. Zhe place you can come where you can get away from me when I am on your nerves. Where you can host our lady friends when all of us are getting on your collective nerves. We have zhe compound in Destin, but I can already see zhat will quickly become a family and kid gathering type of place.”
“Not so bad.” She wore a wistful look on her face and I knew family was a sensitive subject for her.
“Not at all. But finish, zibā , I want to know whatever you want to tell me.” In my arms, I wanted her to find the comfort and strength she needed to battle the past in the form of her memories.
“My ex found his purpose in trying to do whatever our father said. He didn’t have to ask Johnathan to jump before he was volunteering to all but break his neck to do it. I was never one for that type of blind obedience. They didn’t bode well for people who wanted to show the world they could take these children with skin the color of sin and make them perfect.”
“My love had a plan.”
She grinned, and I could see the pride come over her face. “I did. I was going to get a job, get my GED and get away from them as soon as I turned 18. I did odd jobs in their real estate office so I had a little money. I was na?ve to a lot, but I figured I could get on the bus and get out of the Huntersville area. Even if it was just to go to Charlotte. I could get lost in the city and I wouldn’t have to answer to them.”
“You didn’t feel any connection at all?”
“They wanted to change so much about me that I knew this couldn’t be what love was. Not the type of love they swore that family had for one another. My mother would try to change my hair by straightening it. And my skin by using harsh scrubs with lemon juice.”
My anger rose again because anyone who wanted to change a child to fit their ideal was a monster. “Who would do zhis to a child?”
“My adoptive mother. I had to sit in bleach water when the freckling on my body intensified. Or stay inside so they wouldn’t get darker. All it did was mess up my skin barrier that has taken me years to correct with a dermatologist.”
“Zhese people really attempted to change every part of you. Zhankfully, you saw everyzing zhey hated as your unique gifts from God. And your husband adores every feature zhey didn’t.”
She rest her head on my chest as she wrapped her arms around my waist. “After a while, she stopped messing with my hair. I think it was because he liked it. Which of course made me hate it. But he was adamant that I keep it. I thought I’d be able to get away from them when I was eighteen but that didn’t work out.”
“What happened?”
“Johnathan came to me right after my seventeenth birthday and told me that we were getting married.”
“Told?”