Chapter 16
Why Couldn't I Have Met You First
Kiki
He loves me.
Eddie Landry loves me.
But what if he told you because your life is such a disaster that he knew you needed to hear something good?
Honestly, brain, if you had a mouth, I’d invest in a roll of duct tape.
Sadly, I realize the thoughts bouncing around my head aren’t ridiculous or the claims of a sadistic organ.
What happened this evening is going to change the trajectory of my future with Eddie. His ex-wife hates me and now, she’s refusing to let Theo anywhere near me.
Worst part? I don’t blame the woman. I get how bad it looks, how awful the sound bites are about the crimes Drake committed, how insanely inept I appear for not realizing sooner.
“If I could somehow go back in time and change it, thwart Drake’s plan, I would in a heartbeat.” Damn, didn’t mean to say that aloud.
Eddie pulls me close, dropping a soft kiss on my hair. “I know you would.”
I gaze up at him, my eyes still bleary with tears. “What am I going to do? What are we going to do?” I play with the buttons on his flannel, his skin so warm beneath my fingers. “I want to forget everything that happened tonight, but I can’t.”
He pulls me closer, snuggling me tight. “We can’t change what happened tonight. Can’t fix the Deirdre situation. Can’t bury—I mean fix—the Drake situation—”
“You were right the first time,” I say, my mouth tipping to the side as I bite back a smile.
“Fair enough. We also can’t fix any of the bullshit waiting outside that door.”
I sit up, pinning him with a glare. “Is this supposed to make me feel better? Because it’s not really working.”
Eddie grins, and I realize in that moment I’ve never loved anyone like this, even if he sucks at improving my current mood.
Tell him. Say it.
But he gets up before I can utter a word, fetching us both a shot of whiskey from the kitchen. “Here, to ease the ache, right?”
The warm burn slides down my throat, but the ache remains. So much for that theory.
He perches on the edge of the couch and slides one arm beneath my thighs and the other around my back.
“As I was saying, I can’t change the past or what happened earlier.
But I can carry you into that bedroom, make love to you, and for a little while, the only thing in the world that exists will be you and me. What do you say?”
My hands rest on his shoulders, my fingers aimlessly threading through his hair. “The world will still be out there tomorrow.”
He stands with me secure in his arms. “Then let them wait. Because right now, I’ve got all I need.”
Eddie settles me on the mattress, his hands gently stripping the clothes from my body, his mouth delivering soft kisses along my neck and shoulders as he holds me, desperate to erase the pain.
If my emotional wounds left physical scars, I’d resemble a punching bag after twelve rounds with a heavyweight champion, but my scars live in my psyche, fragmenting my life into moments of joy and moments of despair.
The latter far outweighs the joy most days.
But in this moment, these few fleeting hours before the sun rises on an uncertain day, I let the joy take hold.
I drift my hands over him, his solid form my only comfort in recent months, and press a soft kiss over his heart. “I don’t want to lose this,” I murmur.
“Hey.” He tips my chin up, his honey brown gaze clinging to mine. “I’m not going anywhere.”
I want him to vow that he’ll never leave, but we both know promises are foolish in my world.
He might have to walk away and I need to be okay with that. Even though he claims to love me, how long will that last when this is what loving me looks like?
So I take the only certainty I have, and that’s tonight.
Eddie, always mindful of the things I don’t say, nuzzles his stubbled jaw against my neck, his mouth hot against my skin. “Stay with me, beautiful.”
He lowers me to the mattress, following me down, caging me between his strong body and the bed. I drift my fingers over his face, memorizing every feature. Every expression. Locking how he looks at me into my most precious memory bank.
No one kisses like Eddie. He has a kiss for every mood, but tonight is different. He slows us down, as if he’s trying to freeze time, too.
His tongue glides against mine, whispering promises he might not keep, his arms tight around me, and I fall into him.
Just like I have since the beginning.
He’s so gentle, as if I might shatter in his hands. To be honest, I might if he lets go.
When he slides inside me, his rhythm is slow and even, coaxing out the pleasure I’m afraid to feel.
“Let go, beautiful,” he murmurs, dipping his voice to my ear.
Tears prick my lids but I blink them away. “I don’t want this to end.”
A slow smile crosses his lips. “Then I’ll take all night.”
I know in that moment I want to stay here forever. I only pray I can.
Afterward, I lie draped over him, the warmth of his body the only security my heart has ever known. I trace idle patterns through the hair peppering his chest as he stares at the ceiling, a funny smile on his face.
Should I ask him?
God knows I want to. More importantly, I want to tell him how I feel. He claims loving me scares the hell out of him? Trust me, mister, you’re not alone there.
I’m terrified.
“What’s going on in that head of yours?” he asks, shooting me a smirk and side eye.
Caught red-handed.
“Did you mean it?”
He rolls on his side, tucking his arm under the pillow as he faces me. “You know the answer to that.”
“Humor me.”
His hand drifts along my side, wrapping around my hip. “I always mean what I say.”
That statement, that simple, beautiful statement, rips open the floodgates.
“What did I do?” Eddie asks, confusion creasing his brow at the tears rolling down my face.
“Nothing,” I say, wiping my cheeks. Everything, really, but nothing is a far safer answer.
He grasps my chin, stealing a soft kiss. “What’s wrong?”
“Why couldn’t I have met you first?”
If I’d met Eddie before Drake, then I’d be happy, healthy, and beloved. The demons in my nightmares wouldn’t be given grace in my world.
A smirk quirks his lips as he rolls onto his back again. “I think I would have been eighteen or so. I mean, I was a good-looking kid, but—”
The son of a bitch.
I groan, smacking him with the pillow, which only makes him laugh harder. “Thanks for reminding me how freaking young you are.”
He grabs my wrist and wrestles the pillow from my grasp before easing himself on top of me. “You weren’t complaining a few minutes ago.”
“You’re very lucky you’re so talented. Otherwise, I’d—”
Eddie nuzzles his nose against mine, his smile widening. “You’d what?”
“Drive you as crazy as you’re driving me.” I nip his lip, giving as good as I get, and this time neither of us is moving in slow motion.
“You ain’t seen nothing yet, baby,” he growls in my ear as his fingers glide along my slick skin. “I told you this was going to take all night.”
I whimper against his mouth as he buries himself inside me. “What happens when I wake up and this is just another hot Eddie Landry dream?”
He threads my legs around his waist, his hands gripping my hips. “Keep dreaming, sweetheart. I’ll keep proving I’m better than anything your imagination could come up with.”
For once, I’m awake before Eddie, but that’s likely because I barely slept. There are too many thoughts rattling around my brain, each one dragging chains behind it and making a god-awful cacophony of sound.
Thoughts that won’t stay dead, thoughts that won’t stay hidden. Sparkwood and its endless whispers. Drake and his damn demand. Deirdre and the hatred blazing in her eyes. The idea of staying away from a little boy I adore. And maybe worst of all, being too afraid to tell his father I love him back.
I desperately want to believe Eddie when he says he loves me. God, I need that love more than I ever thought possible. But I’m terrified of what loving him is going to cost.
Not for me. I’ve already lost everything that mattered.
But Eddie… he’s got this big, beautiful future stretched out in front of him.
At the tender age of thirty, he’s built the kind of business most people don’t manage by fifty.
He has a rock-solid reputation, both professionally and personally.
Clients who trust him. People who respect him.
A son who adores him. He is taking an awful risk just by being near me.
And yet he’s the most beautiful thing in my world.
I lie there for another minute, watching him sleep. Then I smooth a hand through his thick dark hair, press a soft kiss to his cheek, and slip out of bed to start the coffee.
A few minutes later, he wanders into the kitchen, a pair of gray sweats slung low on his hips, drawn in by the smell. He wraps his arms around me from behind with a sleepy sigh and presses a kiss to my hair. “Thank you so much for making coffee.”
Despite the clamor in my head, I lean into his embrace. “Who says romance is dead?”
He nuzzles closer, delivering a nip to my neck. “It is the way to my heart.”
I rest my hands over his arms, basking in his warmth. “See? Everybody has something. Theo has dinosaurs. You have coffee.”
“What’s yours? Wine? Pancakes?”
“Of course not.” I shake my ass against him, his erection pressing against me. “It’s you, silly man.”
Eddie smiles against my skin. “Good answer.”
There’s your opening, Kiki. Come on, be brave once more.
But I’m frozen and it has nothing to do with a lack of love. If anything, I’ve got too much of the emotion flowing through me.
Oh. My. God. You are a chicken shit. Tell him you love him. You know you do. Just say it.
But before my heart can convince my mouth to cooperate, Eddie reaches around me for two mugs, his body still warm at my back as he fills them.
He steps away, leaning against the counter with a sigh, his eyes going wide a second later as he smacks his forehead. “Shit. We forgot about Gus. Hopefully he didn’t have an accident in the house.”
“Not hardly. He had a slumber party at the vet. He’s getting fluffed and puffed today.” Prepped for a little boy he’s not going to see.
Damn reality.
Time to change topics before I start crying for the umpteenth time.
“What time do you have to pick up Theo?”
“Nine.” He glances toward the clock. “I’m going to take a shower and head over there in a minute.”
I cover my disappointment with a sunny smile, but it’s like a bright spot in a rainstorm, and Eddie picks up on it immediately.
Mainly because we had discussed taking him to a holiday fair happening this weekend, which definitely isn’t happening now.
“Come here.” Eddie sets his mug down and stretches his arms wide.
“I’m fine.”
“No, you’re not, and that’s okay. But I’m going to talk with Deirdre and hopefully, clear this mess up. No matter how bad it looked yesterday, she really is a reasonable person.”
Somehow, I highly doubt that where I’m concerned.
Seems that emotion also shows on my face.
“Kiki Wilder, get your sexy ass over here.”
I fold into his arms, pressing kisses against his chest. “I hope you two have fun this weekend.”
“Well, I’m pretty sure Theo is going to miss his good friend, Ms. Kiki.”
I plant my chin on his chest, meeting his potent stare. “Will you miss me?”
He presses a long, lingering kiss to my lips. “I missed you before I ever knew you.”