35. Chapter 35 - Cole
M atteo leads me outside, his hand clasped tightly in mine, and my stomach drops. Emiliano is probably sick, and I think I’m going to be too. Nausea churns my stomach as Matty takes me to the side of the building, pushing me against the wall and caging me in. He looks angry, sad, fucking devastated. All the things I feel too. Angry because he left me. Sad because he’s my person. Devastated because he’s never coming back.
His nostrils flare at the same time as his eyes water, and I can tell he’s trying not to cry. I reach out and cup his cheek, and he closes his eyes as if he’s in pain. It makes me want to drop my hand, but I don’t. I can tell he needs this.
“I’m so sorry, Matty,” I whisper. “Please believe me.”
“I believe you, baby,” he whispers back, a tear trailing down his face. Mine stream down my own now, too. “But I can’t help but hate you, too.”
“Oh, God.” I close my eyes. “I can’t take it. Please don’t say that.”
“We have to be done, Cole.”
“No, no.” I shake my head quickly. “ Never . I can’t stay done with you. Please, Matty. You mean everything to me. Don’t leave me.”
“Oh, fuck.” A breath shudders out of him, and he sobs. “Don’t say that to me. Don’t say it like you fucking love me.”
“I do love you!” I growl. “Why can’t you see that?!”
My stomach drops as he leans into me until we’re sharing breath, and I have the sudden urge to push him away. But I don’t. I let it happen. Oh, fuck. I did this.
“Tell me you’re in love with me too and I’ll leave you alone forever.”
“I can’t.” I shake my head. “I don’t want you to.”
My entire body trembles with fear as Matteo swallows hard, and a lump forms in my throat. It feels like I’m going to pass out from how dizzy I am, and suddenly it’s hard to breathe. He’s going to leave, never to come back. No matter what I do or say, he’s already made his decision.
“I know you’re in love with me too, Cole,” he whispers, and I shake my head, trying to deny it. I’ll deny it until my dying fucking breath. It would ruin everything. It would ruin my relationship. It would ruin our chances of having a friendship, too, because at the end of the day, I’ve always wanted Emiliano more. There’s no choice to make, no matter how much it guts me. “I see it in the way you’re so fucking devastated. You love me.” His voice shakes, and he slams his fist against the wall right near my head, causing me to jump. “Say it. Fucking admit it.”
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I can’t say it. I can’t do it.
“Tell me, baby.”
I shake my head.
My bottom lip trembles as he takes a step forward until our shoes are meeting, and he tips my chin up with his forefinger. I open my eyes and see the pain in his. It feels like someone’s taking a knife to my chest and stabbing me with it. I can’t breathe.
Can’t fucking breathe.
“Fucking. Say. It.”
A sob escapes me, and I bite down on my bottom lip to keep the next one trapped in. I can’t do this. I have to leave. But the way he’s looking at me absolutely guts me. Like he’ll die if I don’t admit it. “I do, Matty. I do love you.” Fuck me, I mean it, but it’s not enough for us. “Fuck, please don’t leave.”
Matteo slams his lips to mine without warning, and I tighten my lips, not returning his kiss. He pries my jaw open with his fingers as he cups my face, and I gasp with pain as he slips his tongue into my mouth. Holy fuck. I have to stop this. I have to.
But I can’t help but myself from whimpering into his lips. Fuck, I hate myself now. I’m a fucked up person. I hate everything about this. Yet I can’t help but feel full for the first time since he left. My heart beats just a little faster as he strokes his tongue against mine, and I try to turn my face away from him. It’s useless though. His grip on my jaw is tight.
I shove him back, tears in my eyes as I shake my head. My bottom lip trembles. “Matty?—”
“No.” He shakes his head. “We’re over. This is over. I can’t be around you anymore.”
“Matty, please,” I beg. “Don’t do this!”
But he’s walking away now, and my knees buckle as I hear him whisper, “Goodbye, Cole.”
I slide down the wall, pulling my knees up to my chest and laying my head down. I sob until I can’t breathe, and then I sob some more. I did this; I did it to myself. He told me if I admitted it, he’d walk away. Why did I have to say it? Why can’t I be fucking strong? Oh my God. I ruined everything.
Getting up, I brush the dirt away from my pants. I need to go inside and splash water on my face. I need to compose myself. I need to go back to Emiliano—the love of my life. I need to come clean. I need to?—
Suddenly, there are hands on my body, pulling me in one direction. I go to scream, but a cloth is draped over my mouth and nose in an instant, and I’m conscious long enough to see that I’m being led to a van on the side of the road.
The Russians.
I’m so fucked.
* * *
The smell of decay wakes me, and it’s hard to rouse. My eyes are heavy and I can’t open them. My tongue feels thick too, my mouth dry. I ache all over my body. Just where the fuck am I? My wrists hurt from the restraints, my shoulders too from my hands being pulled behind my back. I’m sitting on a chair, and it’s fucking freezing in here. I wonder how long it’ll be before they kill me. I can’t alert them to being awake, so I keep my eyes closed and attempt to breathe evenly. I’m not sure how long I’ve been here, but I couldn’t possibly have been unconscious for more than a few hours. Right? The idea of having been here longer than that is terrifying. Emiliano must be going crazy looking for me.
Maybe this is exactly what I deserve for fucking up. Maybe death is what I need. I fucked up big time. I didn’t mean to—fuck, I didn’t mean it. I also couldn’t help but return Matteo’s kiss just for one second. I knew deep down in my gut that it was the last one I’d ever have. That it was the last time I’d see him. I know now he’s probably going to disappear on us, never to return. I don’t even blame him.
I’m fucking devastated, and I’m not even the one who was betrayed. But I can’t help but feel that way—betrayed and abandoned, as well. He left me. He did the one thing he swore he’d never do. What did I expect, anyway? I hurt him beyond repair. I just expected something different. I guess I thought he’d understand. That he would get it. That he’d want me to be happy. But it seems he only wants me to be happy by his side, and fuck, I wish I could be. Except, my feelings for Emiliano can’t be ignored either. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Emiliano or Matteo.
Matteo or Emiliano.
At the end of the day, there’s really no choice to make. Matteo has to be my past, to give Emiliano and I a chance at a future. That doesn’t mean that I’m not hurting, that I’m not completely fucking eviscerated over my choices. In another life, Matteo could’ve been enough for me. I would’ve picked him. I wouldn’t have been in love with his dad, too.
Too .
Because isn’t that the truth? I’m in love with them both. And yet, the choice has already been made. If that means Matteo can’t be part of my life anymore, then so be it. Maybe it’s for the best. I don’t know if I could handle him bringing someone else home. Sharing a life with someone who isn’t me. Isn’t that the most hypocritical thought I’ve ever had? But I never claimed to be perfect. No, I’m fucked up. Clearly .
A chair scrapes in front of me, and I tense, inhaling sharply. So much for pretending to be unconscious still. Fuck me sideways. They have to know now, and they probably do considering I feel eyes on me. It’s like a brand searing my skin, and I wonder what they see. Do I look as broken as I feel? Are my eyes puffy? Is my face still blotchy from crying? Just how long did they watch me cry outside that stupid hotel? They probably think I’m a pussy, but they’re about to find out just how strong I am. No matter what they say, what they do to me, I’ll never talk. Never betray my family. Will never give up any secrets or vital information about Emiliano or his businesses. I’d rather die.
I hear a whoosh right before I feel the sting of a slap against my cheek, and my head rears to the side from the sheer force of it. I don’t make a sound though, and when I open my eyes, I see that it’s a pissed off Maxim Sokolov—the Pakhan. He’s staring daggers at me, his eyes intently on my face. He’s probably concocting plans right about now, trying to do the math in his head, trying to figure out what will break me down. Well, it’s going to take a fucking calculus class to figure me out, and he looks stupid as fuck. Definitely can’t do math.
“The prince awakes,” Sokolov says with a smirk. “And he’s been crying. How fucking sweet. Tell me, Cole. Are you heartbroken over Matteo? Father and son. I have to give it to you, you have balls.”
I tense, the urge to flinch strong, but I don’t dare move. I can’t show any fucking weakness, and he’s probably going to try to fuck with my head before he kills me. I can only hope it’s quick, but I doubt it. I won’t get the same treatment I gave his son. No, I’ll definitely be worse off. Much, much worse. Not that I was too kind to Andrey, considering I did slice him up, but at least I had mercy on him in the end.
“There are pictures, you know,” he says, and this time I look at him with narrowed eyes. He’s got a smile on his face, and I want to punch it clean off. But I can’t move, so there goes that. “I might just send them to your precious Emiliano. How do you think it’ll make him feel? You kissing his son?”
“Fuck you,” I spit, because there’s not much else I can do. I probably deserve it, even though I’d like to come clean on my own. I know my time to do that has passed. That ship has definitely sailed. Far, far away from me. “Do what you need to do.”
“Oh, I will.” He smirks. “Dmitri,” he growls, directing his attention to one of the guards. “Take his ring.”
My stomach drops straight down to my ass, and I swallow hard. Fuck, I hoped I could at least keep that. Hoped I could die with a piece of Emiliano on me, but no, he’s taking that away from me. He’s taking everything away. Em will probably hate me after he sees the pictures. Probably won’t come for me now, but I deserve it. What did I expect anyway? Fucking forgiveness? I was so, so wrong, and now I’ve lost them both.
“Send it to Emiliano Colombo.”
I clench my fist, but Dmitri finds a pressure point easily, making me open my hand. He slides the ring off with a finality that I feel in my very bones. It’s over. Emiliano and I are done.
I’m going to die here.