Chapter 16
The moment Allie walked inside, I checked the time and drove straight to the clinic, walking past the receptionist with an absent-minded wave and directly into my boss’s office, shutting the door behind me.
She blinked owlishly up at me. “Sidney? Is everything all right?”
Not even close.
“I need you to ban me from ever having a heat with Allison Carmichael again.”
Dr. James’s body tensed up defensively and she stood sharply. “What happened? Do we need to ban her from the clinic? What did she do?”
“No, god, no. Nothing like that. She was a model client.”
Dr. J stared at me for a moment, trying to figure out why I was a cloud of stress. “So then what’s the problem?”
“It’s me. The only reason I didn’t bond her is because of the cuffs and collar. I wanted to and I have never wanted to bond a client before. You have to protect her from me. If she asks for me to be her heat helper again, you have to say no.”
“All right, let’s talk about this.” She fussed at me until I sat in one of the chairs across from her desk. “You’ve been a consummate professional since I hired you. Are you really this worried?”
I swallowed hard, burying my face in my hands. “Yes.”
“What is it about her that makes her different?”
“I wish I knew. I thought about keeping her the whole damn heat. I can’t do that to her. Even the illegal part of it aside, she’s only nineteen. She hasn’t even begun to live and I can’t risk tying her to me forever because my willpower abandoned me.”
Dr. J took one of my hands and offered me a sympathetic smile. “You did the right thing, though. Allison will be well taken care of by the clinic no matter what. Do you think you might want to take some time off from heat helping for a while? Are you worried that this will be a problem with future clients?”
“Your guess is as good as mine on that. Like I said, it’s never happened before. I guess with the next one we just put me in the cuffs and collar before I leave with them and I can let you know if I still struggled?”
Dr. J nodded. “I think that would be fair. I’ll put a block in the system to keep you from being assigned to her and to keep you from accessing her information. There should probably be some sort of long-term solution if you think this is going to be an ongoing issue, but we can cross that bridge when we get to it.”
I let out a bitter laugh. “I’m pretty sure the only way I’m going to stop wanting her is if you let me have her and we both know that can’t happen.”
“Well, I think in this case if we put the block in place for two years then that will at least save you from any of the legality issues. At that point she would no longer have been a recent client and if you still feel the same as you do now, we can reassess things.”
It didn’t make me feel better at all. I had to protect Allie. It wasn’t fair to even think about bonding her, about hitching her wagon to the first person she had ever been with. She deserved to grow and be with anyone she wanted. And I was certainly in no position to be quitting the biggest portion of my income over an obsession. This was better for both of us, even if knowing that I was cutting myself off from seeing her made all of my instincts panic.
I had checked myself thoroughly for bite marks while she had slept, half convinced that the burgeoning need to be with her was the result of a bondbite I had somehow missed. But no. The cuffs and collar had done their job and Allie had been too fixated on her own needs this first time to get too close to the third option for bonding.
“You should rest here for a while. You’re on your recovery days, anyway. Why don’t I bring you some cookies and juice and you can sit back here and collect yourself?”
I nodded silently and let the tension drain out of my body, my weight sinking hard onto the chair.
An itch I couldn’t scratch burned under my skin. I had heard about it happening to the recently bonded but I had never experienced it for myself. Every cell in my body wanted me to go find Allie.
Fucking laws.
I deleted her contact off my phone, covering the number with my other hand so I wouldn’t be tempted to memorize it. By the time Dr. J returned, I was shaking.
“Oh dear. Walk me through what you’re feeling.”
I listed my symptoms and she pursed her lips. Dr. J did a few quick tests. There was no bond, but my hormones were still elevated beyond where they should be.
“If you have someone that you could stay with for a few days so that you can be monitored, I would do that.”
“I can stay with my parents. Mom will be excited to have me.”
“Good. Go there now, rest as much as you can, and keep me updated on your symptoms. If it’s still bothering you, we’ll do another check in three days. Otherwise, I’ll see you back next week for your first shift if you’re feeling well enough. Will you be okay to get to your parents’?”
“I’ll make it.”
I inhaled the juice and cookies Dr J had brought, knowing full well that it would get nowhere near to what I actually needed. I texted Mom to double-check if she would have me, though the absolute yes was not unexpected.
My sister, Nicky’s, car was in the driveway when I arrived, and I unclenched my white-knuckled grip on the steering wheel to get out and take myself inside.
“Oh, honey, you’re here!” Mom was on me immediately, pulling me into a hug. “Dinner is nearly ready.”
“I don’t know that I’m up to socializing tonight.”
“It’s just us. It’s hardly a social event.”
My little brother whistled as he walked up to me. “You look like a cat swallowed you and threw you back up.”
I dragged Luca in for a hug, squeezing him harder than necessary. He had recently turned twenty-one, but he was the family baby through and through.
“Luca!” Mom whacked him on the shoulder. “Your brother isn’t feeling well.”
Nicky trotted up, nudging Mom away to get her own hug. “You really do look rough. Want to have some dinner in bed?”
“I’ll eat later. I think I need to sleep first.”
Mom pulled me to my old bedroom. It was devoid of most of the things I had filled it with growing up, but Mom had left it otherwise the same. I messed up the tidy bed sliding under the covers and was asleep before my head hit the pillow.
I woke sometime later to gentle fingers on my hair.
“I’m heading out,” Nicky said quietly. “I wanted to say goodbye before I did. Do you need anything before I go?”
I shook my head groggily and rolled over to give her a hug. “I’m good, thanks. Drive safe.”
“I always do. Love you.”
“Love you, too, Nick.”
Luca hovered in the doorway, trading places with Nicky. “You’re alive in here?”
“Barely,” I replied.
“I packed up leftovers for you so we can microwave it when you’re ready. I made some of Nonna’s lemon ricotta cookies if you want some?”
“Sure.”
Luca disappeared and returned a moment later with a glass of water that I chugged gratefully and followed it up with the delicious clouds that were Nonna’s cookies.
“Are you sick or tired?” Luca asked, sitting on the edge of my bed.
“Hard to say. If it sticks around for more than a couple days we’ll go with sick.”
“I’ll make some broth for pastina then, just in case.”
I smiled softly and leaned against the headboard. I felt like I could sleep for a year, but that itch under my skin hadn’t abated one bit. Honeysuckle and ginger haunted every breath. I knew where she lived. It would be so easy to go see her, but there was no fucking way I could let myself do that.
Luca tilted his head, examining me carefully. “Is something else wrong?”
“You pay too much attention.”
“I take it that means yes. You can tell me. All secrets are kept under the brother code.”
“I’m wanting something I can’t have. The client I left today was damn near perfect.”
“She’ll still be perfect in two years when it’s legal to date her, won’t she?” Luca asked.
It seemed absolutely ridiculous to think about two years from now. I had known Allie for a week. Why would she give me another thought?
“Pretty sure she will be, yeah. The odds of her being still available are pretty low, though.”
“You wanna tell me about her?”
“That’s an unfair question, Luca. I should purge every bit of her from my brain, not sit around making sure every detail is memorized.”
“I never said it was a smart thing. You just look like you need to talk.”
I settled until I was flat on my back again, dragging the blankets up so I could fidget with the edge. “Is it selfish of me if I want to keep everything to myself?”
“It’s your dream girl.” Luca shrugged. “If you want to keep her secret, that’s fine. You wouldn’t be the first in the world to do so.”
I had to keep her to myself. Talking about her to others only made her more real and I needed to keep her at a distance, keep her a blissful dream. For both our sakes.