Chapter 4 #2
Scratch. That. Her blood boiled. Jessie pressed her molars together so tightly that her jaw ached.
“Our baby isn’t shit we need to talk through.
” God, the audacity of that man. She placed her hand protectively over her still flat belly.
The baby might be giving her hell, but she still loved them, and she wouldn’t tolerate anyone acting like it wasn’t a blessing.
Well, other than her. And that made sense to her newly blossoming mama bear instincts.
Jessie had to suffer through feeling like absolute death while carrying the little bean, not anyone else.
His eyes were locked on her hand. “Our baby.” His gaze lifted to meet hers. “It’s mine?”
Her mouth dropped open. Mae was right. Hawk’s sister had warned her he was there for a good time, not a long time.
She’d let herself get swept up in all his ‘Pretty Girl’ nonsense and his warm, tender touches.
He thought she was pregnant with another man’s child.
“You don’t believe me? The whole ‘Shit, sorry Pretty Girl. The condom broke’ isn’t enough of an event to make you think this baby is yours? ”
His hands scrubbed down his face. “Your IUD?”
“I don’t know.” She shrugged, groaning as she swallowed down another bout of nausea. “Jake said it might be in the wrong place. I have to make an appointment. It could hurt the baby if it moved out of place.”
“Jesus.”
“I haven’t been with anyone else, Hawk. But if you want to do a paternity test, we can. If you don’t believe me.”
“No. Fuck. Of course, I believe you. I just…” He raked his hands through his hair before sitting down on the floor next to her. “What are the odds? That the condom breaks, and your IUD doesn’t work. I’m just…”
“Upset?”
Hawk’s eyes went wide, and then the most gorgeous smile she’d ever seen filled his whole face.
“No. Not even close to upset. I’m happy.
Fuck, Jess. A baby. Our baby. Growing inside you right now.
” She had to look away, his eyes were filled with such tender cautiousness as he held out his hand towards her belly.
“I’m not upset you’re pregnant. I’m fucking thrilled, and I don’t want to be the asshole who says that while we’re in the bathroom because you can’t stop throwing up. ”
Oh.
“Can I?” Hawk asked, his hand still hovering awkwardly between them.
“No.” She pushed his hand back towards his body, heat flooding her face as the embarrassment of her outburst fully sank in. “You won’t be able to feel it anyway. It’s just my flabby tummy at this point.”
“Jess…”
“I can’t believe you would think the baby wasn’t yours.” She rolled her eyes. “I told you the truth that night, at Lily and Gunner’s vow renewal. I hadn’t been with anyone else in over a year. A year, jackass.”
“But since then? You haven’t wanted to look twice at me.
I’ve been in this damn diner nearly every day, trying to find a way to just sneak a moment with you.
You’ve been giving me the cold shoulder.
I know the condom broke and I messed everything up, but…
there hasn’t been anyone else for me since you, Jess.
And I’m not just talking about what happened at the vow renewal. ”
Her eyes searched for any trace of a lie. But there was nothing.
“Hawk.”
“I’m serious. What happened to you and Mae…
when you were taken…” Jessie watched as he struggled to find his words, his jaw clenched tight as the memories of that day washed over his face.
“Fuck, Jess. I didn’t understand what happened.
You were there in my bed when I went to shower and then, you were just gone.
My fucking heart stopped beating. And it didn’t start up again until you were back in my arms. I know that makes me a bastard, because you were lying there on the snowy ground, a state away and scared out of your mind, but in that moment, I was so fucking relieved.
Do you know how hard it was letting you go?
Walking away after your family swarmed in?
It should have been me looking after you from then on.
It should have always been me. So, yeah.
” Hawk’s hand rubbed across the late day stubble dotting his jaw.
“There hasn’t been anyone else for me since then. ”
“I didn’t know,” she whispered.
“Well, now you do. I shouldn’t have been so afraid to say it plainly like that. I thought you wouldn’t want me again. That you’d always think of what you went through and know it was always because of me. I didn’t want to bring up painful memories for you.”
“Hawk.” Jessie reached out and rested her hand on his arm.
Her fingers ached to trace the thick veins running up and down his forearm.
Instead, she forced herself to focus on the truth.
“I don’t think of that day when I think of you.
I think of the night before, when we were together.
I think of the moment I realized you’d found me.
The relief and safety I feel every time I see your face.
You are such a good man, and I don’t want you to ever question that. ”
Hawk’s fingers slid through hers, his thumb resting on her pulse point, applying gentle pressure that made the nausea fade and butterflies take its place. “Are you… I mean, do you want to keep it?” The question felt like she’d taken a red hot knife to the heart.
“You said you were happy. Is that what you want me to do?” Her lip quivered. Let him say the words. Let him tell her he’d pay for an abortion if it was what she wanted. It wasn’t, but he owed her that, at least.
“I want to be a father, Jess. I told you, I will protect what’s mine.”
“The baby,” she whispered.
“I wasn’t thinking about the baby just now. I was thinking about you.” His finger tipped her chin so her eyes were forced to meet his. “This is your body, your choice. You said you were going to make an appointment to check the placement of the IUD, I just figured that meant—”
“I’m keeping the baby,” she admitted. “I don’t want to get an abortion.
I want to have this baby. But I’m not interested in being a burden to you, Hawk.
I have a great big family who will be royally pissed at me for a minute when I tell them this happened, but they’ll love the baby in the end. He’ll have a good life.”
His eyes went wide before they dropped back to her belly. “He?”
“I don’t know for sure. It’s just a feeling I have. Can’t really explain how a little grape can make me feel one way or another about that, but it does. I can find out probably around twenty weeks.”
“I want to be there when you do. If you do. I want to be there for it all, Jess.”
“There’s no rush. We’ve got time.”
His eyes drifted closed and she had to hold in the laughter from watching him try to do time math. “That’s in like another eleven or twelve weeks.”
“Yep.”
“We’re going to be parents.” He blew out his breath. “In summer.”
“No. I’m going to be a mom. This doesn’t have to change anything for you. You wore a condom. You opened the discussion about an abortion. You’re off the hook as far as I’m concerned.”
Hawk’s face turned red. “Why aren’t you hearing me? You think I want to be off the hook? Because I know that you have autonomy over your own body and want to honor your wishes about that? Fuck, Jessie! I’m not… I don’t… I—”
The butterflies evaporated, replaced with a heavy, metallic taste on her tongue.
Her stomach had been churning again, she thought just from the nerves of hearing if she was going to be raising a baby on her own or not, but apparently it was more than that.
Bile rose in her throat, and she got to her knees just in time to retch over the toilet bowl.
She honestly would laugh, the thought of having such a life changing conversation in the diner bathroom while her stomach tried to turn her body inside out.
But she couldn’t laugh. Jessie barely had the strength to wipe the tears out of her eyes.
God, perfect timing, peanut.
“Fuck. I hate this. What can I do?” he asked, his hand rubbing gentle, warm circles over her back. Tears line her lashes, spilling over as she groaned and sat back on the floor.
“There’s nothing to do. Jake said this is normal. I forgot I’m supposed to eat little meals to keep things calm. It’s just been too busy. There’s too much to do.”
“The only thing you should be worrying about is taking care of yourself.”
Jessie laughed, but it was easy to hear the hysteria behind it. “I wish it was that simple. Help me up? I think it’s over and I need to close so I can get to bed.”
“Let me drive you home.”
“No.”
“Jess—”
“I’m fine now.” She wiped her hands on her lap before holding one out to him. Hawk stood, his arms crossing over his chest.
“You’re not fine. You’re exhausted. And you’re sick.
You’re carrying precious cargo now, and even beyond that…
” He moved a piece of hair that had fallen out of her ponytail behind her ear.
“You are precious cargo to me. Let me drive you home. I’ll come out to the ranch tomorrow and we can talk things through again. But you need to rest.”
“I have to work in the morning.”
“Jess—”
“Hawk.”
“Fine. I’ll come out to the ranch and drive you into work. Only if you feel up to it.”
“I’ll feel up to it. I need to be here. Dad is trying to turn the ranch over to Beau and Mom is wanting to turn the diner over to me.
I have to be here for them. They deserve to have time off.
Oh god, they’re supposed to be traveling in the spring.
I’m supposed to be running everything here by then.
” She groaned as she pressed the palms of her hands into her eyes.
“I messed this up so badly. I can’t keep…
I won’t be able to keep up here… They’re expecting me to step up and I just threw the biggest wrench into everything. ”
“You don’t have to figure everything out in the next five minutes, so just breathe. I’m sure we can find a way for it to all work out.”
We. That simple word somehow made Jessie feel better.
Hawk was right. She didn’t have to have all the answers right then and there.
Over the next few weeks, she could come up with a solution that worked.
One where she was still able to step up for her family, while having the baby.
She could do it all. Heck, she’d been juggling ninety-nine percent of this stuff for most of her life.
The ranch, the diner, her parents and her brothers.
Jess could still be there for all of them while becoming a mom.
Renewed in her conviction to stop feeling sorry for herself, Jessie ran her sweaty palms down her shirt. She shoved down the groan that was trying to make its way out of her chest as she started to push off the floor to stand.
“Whoa. What do you think you’re doing?” Hawk asked, stopping her as he placed his hand on her leg.
“I need to finish closing. You said it yourself. I don’t have to have everything figured out tonight. So, I’m going to finish closing and turn my brain off.”
“What still needs to be done?” he asked, his hand now resting on her thigh.
“I was just finishing washing down the tables. Then I need to count the drawer and put the money in the cash bag. It gets locked in the office.”
“If I take the tables, do you feel up to doing the cash drawer? I can do it after I finish, no problem, but I just figured you might feel better if you took care of that and knew it was safe.”
She nodded and accepted his outstretched hand before finally standing on her own two feet again. “I can do it. But you don’t have to wash the tables. I can get to them before—”
“No. I’ve got it,” he said as they walked back out to the dining space. “One of my nightly chores as a kid was wiping down the table after dinner. I promise, I’ve got years and years of practice under my belt. Sit and enjoy the show.”
Jessie watched as Hawk grabbed the cleaning cloth and spray off the counter and started wiping down tables, wiggling his hips back and forth and looking over his shoulder at her with that ridiculous smirk that had her biting her bottom lip so she didn’t laugh.
“Really seems like you know how to put your ass into it.”
“Whatever it takes, Pretty Girl,” he winked. “If shaking my ass for you makes you feel better, I’ll put on a show like this every morning and every night.”