18. Anya
CHAPTER 18
ANYA
I stick my key card into the lock and pull open the door to the apartment later that afternoon, careful not to make any noise. Heaven mentioned something about going to lunch with her family once they get in from the airport, so I guess they haven’t gotten back yet. I took Aisling for a walk after her afternoon feeding, and she fell asleep almost as soon as the stroller hit the hot desert air.
I won’t lie.
I like people stopping to admire her chubby cheeks and big bright eyes. I like when they tell me what a beautiful daughter I have. I always thank them for the compliment, never once bothering to correct anyone.
It feels nice.
It allows me to step out of my own shell and be someone else…someone, much as I deny it to myself, that I aspire to become.
Over the past few days of being out here in Vegas, while I’ve been trying hard to conjure up all of the hatred for people who stole my happiness, I’ve realized that harboring all of the emotions is actually preventing me from achieving what it is I really want.
And the longer I suppress the negative emotions — the anger, the resentment, and the disdain — the further away I get from anything remotely resembling a happy ending.
The truth is, the more I get to know these people, the more I wonder about who they really are and what they actually have done.
If anything.
Uncle Boris wants me out here for some reason, but he won’t tell me exactly what it is. He’s being purposely evasive, which he knows I hate. He admitted to completely ignoring me for days on end because something else took priority over his own niece’s well-being.
All of that contributes to my redirected anger.
He doesn’t respect me enough to give me direction.
He never has.
I’m just expected to jump when he says how high.
Makes me think that I’m missing a lot of the dots that have yet to be connected and question everything he’s told me.
I should have started questioning a long time ago.
Because he’s manipulative as hell and uses whoever her can to achieve his goals, which are usually blood-soaked.
So when I see him tonight, I want answers.
I will demand the answers!
And if I don’t like what I hear, I will handle things my own way. I’m not going to be his puppet for a single second more.
If he doesn’t like it, he’ll just have to kill me.
There’s no happy ending to that story. Not for him.
I lean down and scoop Aisling into my arms, carrying her into the nursery. There’s an odor wafting up from her diaper, but there’s no way I’m going to disturb her sleep by changing her diaper. It can wait. I doubled her up, in anticipation of this very circumstance.
No poop will be able to escape my master diaper job.
I turn on the monitor and grab the handheld before backing out of the room.
I pad into the kitchen and grab a bottle of water from the fridge, a tiny moan slipping from my lips. This place, this job, this whole existence — it’s like an alternate reality and I’m caught in the middle of it with no desire to escape.
My job requires me to leave once I’ve delivered on the requirements, whatever the hell they may be.
But I don’t want to go.
I want to stay.
I like the Villanis.
I’m totally hot for Dante.
And I’m smitten with that baby.
Why can’t I have this life?
The question startles me because I’ve always pushed it out of my mind when it so much as threatens to surface.
But now that it’s out there, on the front burner after I’ve pushed it to the back for days on end, it demands an answer.
And I still don’t have one.
All I have are more burning questions…
I mean, why can’t I be a student at UNLV? I’ve always wanted to go into fashion design and merchandising. I love sewing, something I’ve really missed while being away from Brooklyn.
Why can’t I have a tight-knit friendship? Someone to confide in, to laugh with, and to do fun, girlie things with?
Why can’t I find true love? A guy who looks at me like I light up his entire universe just the way Matteo looks at Heaven? Someone who never loses a chance to tell me how much he loves me, just like Papa did with Mama before they died?
Why, why, why?
I’ve never realized, before I hopped on that flight out of JFK International Airport, how much I crave normalcy, happiness, and purpose.
My purpose has never been my own, not since I was a thirteen-year-old orphan.
My purpose has always been the means for someone else to achieve his purpose.
I don’t want that life anymore.
I’m not going to be defined by someone else’s choices.
It’s time I started making my own, not just allowing myself to be victimized by other people’s expectations of me.
I take a long gulp of the water, feeling more and more empowered as the ideas percolate.
What I’m proposing to myself is dangerous.
The job of bratva assassin is pretty much a lifelong position.
Kill or be killed.
Those are pretty much your only options.
But I’m tired of living by someone else’s rules.
I’m ready to live according to my own.
And good thing I have some lethal, badass bitch skills to help set me up in this big, bad world.
A smile plays at my lips.
I have a list of demands for my life.
And I want to tick off the boxes.
Starting today.
The door clicks and I peek my head around a column to see Heaven and an older woman come into the apartment, their arms laden with bags. I put down my water and hurry over to them to help.
Heaven flashes a grateful smile and hands me some of the packages. “Anya, this is my Aunt Maura. Auntie, this is Anya. Our savior!”
Aunt Maura grins at me, her blue eyes sparkling. “Pleasure to meet you, dear. Heaven has told me such great things about how you’ve been helping with Aisling.” She puts down her bags and clasps her hands together. “I cannot wait to see the little darling! Is she in the nursery?”
“Yes,’ I say in a hushed voice. “But she’s sleeping.” I look at Heaven. “We just got back from a walk and she was exhausted by the heat, I think. She conked out before we even made it back up here.”
“Thank you, Anya,” Heaven says with a big smile.
It never ceases to amaze me that she let me go outside today with Aisling by myself. I figured for sure Dante would be tagging along, but I’m also not na?ve enough to think that she would let me take her baby out of the apartment and not have me tracked by at least a handful of security guards who would have this place locked down in a hot second if I so much as made one false move.
Dante…
Where has he been hiding?
Seeing him this morning made me think he’d come back around because he felt the same things I did.
Do.
But then he disappeared again.
Could I have imagined everything that happened between us? The intensity, the chemistry…my God, it was electric.
How could he not have felt it all?
“Why don’t you take a break? You’ve already put in your eight hours since Aisling got up so early this morning. I don’t want to violate the terms of the au pair contract,” she says with a chuckle. “I need you here!”
“Oh, you’ve definitely got me,” I say. “And I’d love a little break. Maybe I’ll go for a run.” I take a deep breath. “Hey, do you know where Dante is? He said he’d give me some of the best jogging routes around here.”
Aunt Maura busies herself with the bags and Heaven folds her arms over her chest, a knowing smile on her face. “Actually, no, I haven’t. He might have gone out for a run himself.” She sighs. “He hasn’t been his normal self lately. I know he feels like something is missing.”
Missing?
“He seems good to me.” Understatement of the century if I ever heard one.
She shakes her head. “He isn’t happy out here. He wants to get back to his real job, but Matteo wants him to stick around. You know, to help out at the hotel and our nightclubs and things like that…” she trails off evasively.
“He doesn’t want to stay?” I squeak out as an icy feeling clenches my heart.
“No. I wish he would, though. Maybe he just needs a good enough reason to stay,” she says, giving me a pointed look. “I bet you could convince him.”
I swallow hard. Holy crap, are my thoughts that transparent?
“Well, if he doesn’t want to stay, I don’t think a virtual stranger can’t convince him.” I force a smile. “He knows what’s best for himself, I’m sure.”
“I don’t think so,” Heaven says. “He needs to settle down and have a real life with roots. He can’t be gallivanting all around the world the way he does. He needs stability.”
“My, my, how your tune has changed in the past year,” Aunt Maura quips from the kitchen. “Couldn’t hold you down with a roll of duct tape, rope, and chains before Matteo walked into Molly’s Pub that first night.”
Heaven shrugs. “It only took a forced marriage for me to see the writing on the wall.” With a snicker, she nudges me. “Everyone needs their own type of jolt. I hope Dante gets his, sooner than later. And you might be just the one to deliver it.”
Ha!
Little does she know, that’s the plan.