Chapter 31 Carli
Carli
“Et tu, Brute?”
~ William Shakespeare, Julius Caesar
I stare at my brother, unable to speak.
McKenna comes around from behind him. Her eyes flit from Jace to me and Cody. It’s only now I’m aware of Cody’s hand on my shoulder.
“Is everything okay?” McKenna asks.
Her eyes squint, narrowing at me.
"What is going on here?" she asks. "Carli?"
Jace still looks like he wants to harm something or someone, but he’s simmering, holding himself in check. He looks at McKenna and says, "Your brother had my sister in his arms."
McKenna turns her attention to us, then shouts, "What? Cody!"
"It's not only him," I say. "I mean, he didn’t kiss me against my will or anything. We're together."
McKenna’s face morphs in a flash. Her tight jaw sags. Her narrowed eyes widen. Her brow draws up.
Now, her words are aimed at me. And they hit like a punch to the sternum. "Since when? And why wouldn't you tell me?"
"I'm sorry," I say, stepping toward her.
She physically recoils.
The back door opens and shuts.
Cody looks around at all three of us, "We need to get back out there. Tonight isn't the time for this. Tonight is about McKenna and Westley."
Jace mutters, "Might have thought of that before you kissed my sister."
Neither Cody nor I make any attempt to defend ourselves. What is there to say?
McKenna looks at me, her face etched with my betrayal.
She shakes her head and walks away.
Jace waits for us, as if he can’t risk leaving us alone. I walk out first, passing him and heading toward the back door. Cody’s right behind me.
Jace tells Cody, “This isn’t over. Not by a long shot.”
I want to go to McKenna, but she’s back at the table next to Westley, whispering into his ear. When she glances over at my table, the look on her face clearly conveys that she needs time and space.
We just had to kiss tonight.
Why couldn’t we wait?
The rest of the rehearsal dinner goes on around us. No one besides the four of us and Westley seems to know about the implosion in the hallway. I chance seeking Cody out. He sends me a look filled with compassion. It should stop the colony of ants crawling under my skin, but it doesn’t.
I betrayed my best friend on the night before her wedding. I don’t know how we come back from this. Whenever she thinks of her wedding, finding me and Cody together will feel like a stain on what should be a perfect memory—her memory of her day. And we took that from her.
Jace looks at me from across the room with an expression that makes me feel an inch tall. Then he glances at Cody with a look that’s practically murderous.
When McKenna looks at me again, her face holds the kind of pain I can barely tolerate witnessing. And I was the one to put it there.
We make it through dinner—my body has gone from itchy to numb. I’m sleepwalking through the duration of the rehearsal dinner. People have to call my name twice.
I go through the motions, and then, when it’s time to leave to head home, Cody pulls me aside.
He steps toward me and pulls me into a hug. We’re just to the side of the barn. People could see us, but it doesn’t matter anymore. The two people we wanted to protect more than anything have had their hearts broken already.
I close my eyes, holding on to Cody, burying my head in his chest. I don’t cry. If I start, I won’t stop. I just cling to him as if he could absorb the reality of our circumstances.
I tilt my head up. He looks so handsome tonight, but his brow is now furrowed with concern. The weight of Jace’s reaction worn in every wrinkle.
He doesn’t kiss me. Instead, he gently pats my back and gives me one last squeeze. Then he steps away.
It feels like goodbye.
His voice is rough with emotion when he says, “We need to give this space for McKenna's big day.” He waves a finger between us. “Let everyone adjust to the idea.”
His lips thin and he stuffs his hands into his pockets. I wrap my arms around myself and nod.
He’s right—of course he is.
I head to my truck, not bothering to say goodbye to anyone.
Then I drive home, my tears blurring my vision.
I don’t go to my cabin. Something pulls me into the main house.
Mom’s there, putting on a kettle of water. Boone and Lottie are at her feet.
My hands are literally shaking when I approach her and collapse into her arms, tears streaming down my face.
“Hey,” Mom says softly. “What’s going on?”
“Everything!” I say through my tears. “I ruined everything!”
I haven’t been this emotional since I was thirteen.
“I just threw a bomb on the most precious day of my best friend’s life!”
Lottie stands and resettles. I release a stuttering breath.
Mom holds me at arm’s length and searches my face. “Let’s have tea. You can tell me all about it. I’m sure it’s not as bad as all this.”
Jace walks in, sees me and Mom, and turns around, letting the door slam behind him.
Mom’s brow draws in, her face etched with confusion. “Is it a full moon tonight?”
“Worse,” I say, taking the mug of tea she hands me and following her to the kitchen table.
The dogs trot behind us. Lottie settles at my feet and I reach down and run my hand through her soft fur.
“Okay,” Mom says softly. “Tell me everything.”
I do. From the barn kiss to the truck bed meetups to Cody comforting me when she called about Dad. I tell her everything right up to the moment in the Lawsons’ hallway when Jace walked in on us and lost his temper.
I leave out all the kisses we shared and the fact that Cody actually spent the night in my cabin.
“So, we kissed and then Jace rounded the corner and yelled at us.”
She shakes her head, a soft, compassionate expression on her face.
“When you were born, he was only two and a half. One day you were taking your nap—at the same time you always napped. Jace should have been napping too. Heaven knows I needed a breather back then. Naptime was it. Anyway, I heard a noise in your room, so I walked in and Jace was standing on the crib railing, just looking down at you. The look in his eyes—well, I can’t quite describe it any other way but to say, love.
He loved you so much, even then.” She laughs softly.
“When he saw me standing in the doorway, he turned and said. ‘Stay back, Mama. Carli’s sleeping.’” She smiles.
“Even then, he had the big brother instinct. You were his to protect.”
I smile, wiping a tear from my cheek.
“Cody’s not a threat,” I explain to my mom. “I don’t need protection from the man I love.”
“Love?” she smiles more fully. “Are you in love?”
“I’ve loved him for years. Or maybe I didn’t. Whatever feelings I had all that time, it’s so much more now. And he loves me,” I choke out a sob. “He loves me, Mom. So much.”
Her eyes fill with tears too.
“We didn’t want it to leak this way. We planned to wait ‘til after farrowing and the wedding. Then we were going to tell everyone.”
Mom puts her hand on top of mine. “I understand why you snuck around, Carli. That doesn’t make it right.”
“I know.”
“You didn’t mean to drop the bomb today. But any day you dropped it would have hurt McKenna. You’ve never hid anything from one another. She’s probably not as upset about you dating her brother as she is that you kept it from her.”
“You’re right. I know you are.”
Mom smiles softly at me.
McKenna. Tomorrow’s her wedding day.
“I’ve gotta go,” I say, standing.
The dogs look up at me.
“I’ve gotta see her. I have to try to make this right before tomorrow.”
Mom stands and pulls me into a hug. “You two will work through this. Maybe not today, but eventually.”
“I hope you’re right.”
I run out the front door and climb back into my truck. One glance in the rearview makes me suck in a breath. My face is red and splotchy from crying. My hair’s a bit wild. My mascara is smudged. I swipe at the black smears with my pointer finger as I drive toward McKenna’s.
I pass the main house and drive back to her place, parking out front and jumping out of my truck. I’ve got no plan. I just know she needs something from me and I’ll give whatever that is.
I knock and she opens the door, looking forlorn. Her shoulders sag slightly. She brings her arms up and wraps herself in a protective hug.
“Hey,” I say. “Can I come in?”
She stares at me, not saying anything.
“I thought you might want to talk or ask me questions or yell …” I offer.
“Come in,” she says softly.
My gut feels hollow. She’s the buoyant adventurer, always carving her own path in life and bringing joy wherever she goes. Seeing her like this wrecks me.
“I’ve had a few hours,” she says. “You know, to think about everything.”
I nod.
“Sit down.” She waves toward the couch. “This is so awkward.”
“I know. That’s on me.”
“Yeah. It is.”
“I’m so sorry, Mac. I didn’t want it to go this way.”
“What way exactly did you want it to go?”
I flinch slightly. I don’t remember us ever fighting. We’d have our little spats when one of us was too tired or moody as a child, but we never really fought.
“I … we … Cody and I …” I squeeze my eyes shut and open them, taking a deep breath and blowing it out. “We kissed one day in the hog barn. It was unexpected, but not impulsive. I’ve liked him for a long time.”
“You had a crush on my brother and you never bothered to tell me?”
Her words sting, bringing fresh awareness. I haven’t just been hiding from her for the past two months. I’ve been hiding my feelings for Cody a whole lot longer.
“You always said you didn’t want any of your brothers to even flirt with me.” I pause. “That’s not an excuse. It’s just … I knew you’d have an issue with it. And Jace. I knew he would lose it. Like he did. Besides, I never knew how Cody felt about me. Not until that day we kissed.”
“So?”
“So we started seeing one another secretly. It wasn’t some maniacal plan.
We just kept wanting to see more of each other.
We needed time to figure out whether what we felt was deep enough to make it worth the possible fallout.
And it was farrowing season. And then you announced the wedding.
Once we knew we were serious, we decided it would be best to tell everyone after. ”
“So you kept seeing my brother and hid it from me … for months?”
“Almost two months.”
She shakes her head and drops it into her hands, her elbows on her knees. “I’m trying to digest all of this.”
I sit quietly.
McKenna looks up at me. “It’s not about Cody, Carli. I always wanted you as a sister.”
I nod, careful to give her space to say whatever she needs to say.
“You betrayed me. You kept a secret from me. All the times I wondered why we weren’t spending enough time together since I got back this time. All the nights I asked if we could hang out? You were with him?”
“Not every one. But some, yeah.”
She’s quiet again.
“I feel like our friendship is a lie.”
Nothing has ever felt like a knife to my gut before. I feel the blade in her words.
She stares at the ground. A chasm spreads between us—new and vast.
McKenna swipes her thumb across her cheek. “I don’t know how to un-feel that yet.”
“Your friendship is everything to me, McKenna. Everything. Hiding Cody from you was a mistake. And I regret it. You finding out the night before your wedding …” My breath stalls.
“I’d do anything to reverse or erase you finding out today.
I betrayed you. I kept a secret that I should have shared.
But you are my best friend. Our friendship isn’t a lie.
I lied to you. I hated doing it. But I told myself it was for your good. It obviously wasn’t.”
McKenna tucks her lips in, chewing the bottom one.
“I love you, Mac,” I repeat. “And someday, I hope you forgive me for how I went about all of this.”
“You and Cody. Are you serious? Or is this just something you two are getting out of your systems?”
“We’re serious. Like, naming our kids serious.”
A small smile dawns on her face. “So, we’ll really be sisters one day.”
I sob. I can’t help it. “Yes.”
She starts crying too and then she stands and sits next to me and we hold one another, crying into each other’s embrace.
“I love you, McKenna,” I say, pulling back. “And I’m so sorry.”
“You two still have to face Jace.”
“I know. I think he literally wanted to kill Cody.”
“I was going to be an accomplice for a minute.”
“I don’t blame you.”
“I love you too,” she says. “I’m still hurt. But I’m not mad.”
“I’m so sorry I hurt you.”
“I know.” She shakes her head. “You and Cody.” She looks at me like I’m crazy. But then her expression softens. “It’s going to take me a minute to swallow that horse pill.”
“Take all the time you need.” I smile at her. “But in the meantime, let’s get you hitched.”