Chapter Nineteen #2
With a smile, she turned to look at her daughter. “She had a wonderful day. She told me, by the way, that she likes you very much. She said you’re nice and you’re funny and you told her she dances like a ballerina.”
His smile flashed in the darkness and there in her passenger seat as they drove around the lake on a snowy night, Holly felt the last of her defenses crumble away like a snow fort in a spring thaw.
“She’s an amazing kid, Holly. It’s impossible not to love her.”
She swallowed a sudden ache in her throat. “I agree. Lydia is a gift to the world.”
He looked in the rearview mirror again, then glanced at her briefly before turning his attention back to the road.
“When did you know she would have Down syndrome?” he asked.
“About midway through the pregnancy. After an initial ultrasound here, my ob-gyn sent me to a specialist in Boise for more intensive testing. She confirmed that it was likely and suggested we terminate the pregnancy.”
“Seriously?”
“It’s not uncommon. Estimates are that up to three out of four pregnancies with a Down diagnosis in this country are terminated.
In Europe, that percentage is even higher, up to ninety percent.
Many parents don’t feel up to the challenges ahead of them or don’t want to knowingly bring a child with disabilities into a world that lacks full societal support, a world that can sometimes be hard and cruel to them. ”
She had never, for a moment, considered it. Troy had agreed with her, but she had sensed his reservations from the beginning.
“I can’t imagine a world without Lydia in it. Or one where people might be capable of treating her with anything but love.”
She didn’t want to shatter his faith, though she could have given him an earful about school districts that fought inclusive education or governments that didn’t prioritize care and services for the most vulnerable among their populations.
“We’re lucky. Most people we meet are nothing but kind to her.”
“Have you decided what you’re going to do about Christmas Eve?”
She pursed her lips. “I want to say no but I’m afraid I have to say yes.”
“You don’t have to do anything.”
“You’ve obviously never been a parent. My whole life feels like one big round of things I have to do when I would rather stay in my pajamas all day and read a book.”
He slowed as they approached another snowplow. “What will you do on Christmas Eve if you decide to let her stay with her father?”
“My parents always have a family party that evening. We were going to go together. My dad grills steak and we all eat too much and play board games and exchange gifts.”
“That doesn’t sound bad.”
“It’s not. It’s wonderful. Lydia is usually the star of the show, of course.”
“Naturally.”
“She’s the only grandbaby on my side so she’s very spoiled by my parents, Hannah and our older brothers.”
“They’ll miss her this year if she stays with Troy.”
“Yes. It definitely won’t be the same. And when the family party is over, I’ll probably go home to my empty house, sit by the Christmas tree and feel sorry for myself.”
He placed a warm, strong hand over hers. Grateful for the compassion and support in his touch, she turned her hand over and twined her fingers with his.
The drive from Haven Point to Shelter Springs usually only took about ten minutes.
This trip took at least twice that long because of the road conditions and overcautious drivers.
As she listened to the wipers beat away the snow from the windshield and soft music on the stereo, she felt herself relax, the exhaustion of the long day catching up with her.
She must have drifted off to sleep for a few moments. She awoke when the motion stopped, opening her eyes to find they were in her driveway.
“You should have headed to Kim’s place first,” she said. “I could have dropped you off before driving back here.”
“It’s only a block. I don’t mind a quick walk,” he said.
“In the snow? In your dancing shoes?”
He inclined his head toward the darkness outside the window. “The snow’s not as bad here. Looks like Haven Point must have had a microsquall over there. We’ve only had an inch or two. I’ll be fine.”
Sometimes that happened because of the lake effect and the wind direction. One community could be slammed while the other one barely had a trace.
“I’ll help you carry Lydia to her bed,” he said, hitting the remote that opened her garage door and pulling her SUV inside.
She couldn’t think of a reason to argue with him. She was grateful for his help anyway. Lydia was getting bigger. In a few more years, Holly probably wouldn’t be able to carry her on her own.
Her daughter hardly stirred as Holly unhooked the seat belt of her booster seat or when Ryan scooped her out and over his shoulder, where she nestled into his neck, eyes still closed.
Lucky girl, Holly thought. She would like to be snuggled in Ryan’s arms right now.
“Where is her room?” he asked, voice low.
“I’ll show you.”
She led the way up the stairs and opened Lydia’s door, across the hall from her own.
He lowered Lydia onto her bed, a low-profile twin she still called her big bed. She didn’t let go, however. She held onto his neck, eyes still closed, and murmured something Holly couldn’t hear.
“Shh, sweetheart,” he murmured. “You’re home now.”
After a pause, Lydia relaxed, easing back onto the pillow.
“Thank you,” Holly whispered. “I’ll take it from here. I need to get her out of her fancy princess dress, since I don’t think it will be very comfy to sleep in.”
“Makes sense. I’ll wait for you downstairs.”
She nodded, though some part of her wanted to tell him to leave now before she wrapped her arms around his neck like Lydia had done and refused to let go.
Her daughter didn’t awaken, even as Holly pushed her arms through the sleeves of her coat and then her dress before slipping her into a nightgown.
After all the cookies and sweets Lydia had eaten at the reception, a good mother would probably make her wake up to brush her teeth but Holly decided one night of waiting until the morning to brush probably wouldn’t cause irreparable damage.
They were baby teeth anyway, a few of them already loose.
After Lydia was dressed for bed, Holly tucked the blanket around her, checked that the video monitor was on, pressed a kiss on her forehead and turned off the light.
She closed the door then stood in the darkened hallway for a long moment, her thoughts filled with the man who waited downstairs.
What was she going to do about her growing feelings, this emotional pull between them and the fierce attraction she couldn’t seem to fight? She wanted to grab him by his loosened necktie and haul him into her bedroom.
She couldn’t, of course. Besides the fact that her daughter slept only a few feet away, Holly knew it would be a mistake she couldn’t take back. Ryan was charming, kind and impossibly good-looking, but he was also temporary.
He didn’t belong in Shelter Springs and she didn’t belong in his world, even if he wanted her there.
Giving her heart to him completely would only lead to a vast, deep pain. She couldn’t afford the risk, not when her focus needed to be on Lydia. Her daughter deserved stability, not a mother distracted by a relationship that had no future.
But even as she told herself all the reasons why she had to keep her distance, Holly couldn’t ignore the heat that flared whenever Ryan was near. His smile tugged at something deep inside her. What was she supposed to do with this growing desire, this ache that refused to be silenced?
Holly leaned her head against the door. Maybe she could bury these feelings, shove them into the same locked drawer where she kept her regrets over her broken marriage.
But even as the thought crossed her mind, she knew the truth. She was already in too deep.
When she walked down the stairs, she found Ryan standing by her Christmas tree, the colored lights playing across his features.
Everything inside her seemed to sigh.
“Did she stay asleep?”
She nodded. “Didn’t even stir when I changed her clothes and tucked her in.”
“Weddings are exhausting business, apparently.”
“That is an understatement. At least I’ll get a little break from them, since this was the last one on my schedule until February.”
He smiled and she hesitated, torn between wanting him to leave for her own self-preservation and aching to prolong whatever time she had left with him.
“Would you like a drink? I don’t keep much in the house but I could probably round up a glass of wine or something. Maybe even a beer at the back of the refrigerator.”
“I’m fine, thanks. I was admiring your cottage again. It’s so cozy and warm. A great place for a child to grow up.”
She smiled, daring to take another step closer to him.
“Thanks. I feel very fortunate that my friend decided to sell right when I was looking to buy.”
“You’re making a great home here for Lydia. The only thing missing is that puppy.”
“Ha! Don’t you start in, too. It’s not happening this year. Maybe in a year or two, when things are a little more settled.”
She had to hope the day would eventually come when she finally felt like she had her stuff together.
“I can’t thank you enough for coming to the wedding with me, Ryan,” she said. “You made what could have been an awkward day actually enjoyable.”
He raised an eyebrow. “I guess I’ll take actually enjoyable . It’s what I strive for on all my dates.”
She laughed. “I hope it wasn’t completely miserable for you.”
“Not completely.”
She laughed again at his dry tone. “And that’s what I hope for on all my dates.”
He smiled, though it was fleeting. “What happens now?”
She wasn’t sure what he was asking. “Now I suppose we go back to our lives and enjoy the rest of the holidays. You’ll be heading back to San Diego after Kim returns. I’m sure you can’t wait.”
He didn’t look nearly as enthused by that as she might have expected.
“I meant, what are you going to tell your in-laws about us?”