12. Twelve
TWELVE
We pulled out an old Christmas puzzle, one with a classic Santa on it. The Summers had done it a million times, and the faint smile on Stella’s face told me I’d chosen the right one.
“It’s a shame that we don’t have any music,” she said as we distributed the pieces on the dining room table. “Christmas puzzles are incomplete without it.”
The world felt off after I’d pulled her close. Instead of caring about my goal to stay away from her, I thought of everything I could do to make her smile. I should have excused myself to another room to give her space, to give me space. Instead, I stood, looking for something to make music for her.
I found one of Amma’s antique snow globes on the side table. It was of kids playing in a scenic village. On the bottom was a tab to wind it to play music .
“Here,” I said, gently setting it on the table. “This isn’t the same, but it works.”
“I haven’t seen this thing in forever,” she said. “Does it still work?”
I wound it up and a simple version of “Frosty the Snowman” played.
“It’s better than nothing.”
I was rewarded with a grateful smile as I set it back down. “This helps.”
Her eyes fell to the puzzle, and I couldn’t help but think about the hug again. I needed to stop, but every moment I got to touch her was all that was on my mind.
Slowly, she separated all of the edge pieces. She and Amma had always been organized by their puzzle building while Nick and I worked on the easy-to-connect pieces, like Santa’s face. Nick was abysmally bad at them, so I usually handed him pieces that went together.
Stella and I had always been the ones who were the most efficient, but this time I didn’t reach for any pieces. I was too busy thinking of her.
“You gonna help me?” she asked. “I can do this by myself, but it’s more fun when I don’t have to piece together the center.”
“Yeah, sorry. I got distracted.”
She glanced up at me and our eyes met. For a second, we only stared. Then she broke the contact and went back to the puzzle. I followed suit .
She had half the edge down within ten minutes, and I had the sled built in the same amount of time.
I was pulled out of my concentration when she snapped a photo. “This is a calm moment,” she said. “It’ll be nice to remember.”
“My hands might ruin the shot.”
She glanced at them and looked back at the developing photo. “No, I think it will be fine. The photo is turning out great.”
I didn’t know how hands could look great at all, but I didn’t question her.
“Is it this quiet where you live?” she asked after we lapsed back into silence.
“Sometimes. It’s still a park, so every now and then, someone’s rowdy, but oftentimes it’s just nature and the occasional hiker.”
“It’s nice. I’ve lived downtown for the last two years, and it’s so loud sometimes.”
“Living in the city always drained me.”
“I thought I liked it, but everything felt gray after a lot of it. Being here feels right.”
“You’re feeling better?”
“Not all the way. I’m still a little sad about wasting two years of my life with Reed. But I’m finding things to take photos of again, and I’m laughing too. I didn’t realize it then, but I gave up way too much of myself while with him. And when the usual comments started, it only got worse.”
“What usual comments? ”
“About how I’m too much. About how I dress or how I act. He’s the fourth guy in a row who I was a problem for.”
“ Fourth? ”
Her eyes drifted up to me. “Don’t act so shocked. I’m sarcastic, loud, and colorful—at least when I’m myself. It’s not exactly what people are looking for in a long-term partner.”
I could only stare. How could someone look at someone as bright as her and call her too much ? How could they ever ask her to change a single fucking thing about herself when she was already so damn perfect?
“Let me guess,” she said at my silence, “you think they’re right too.”
“They’re fucking wrong .”
Her eyes grew wide. “But?—”
“Stella, you’re exactly how you should be. Never change for some fucking idiot who doesn’t realize what he has.”
“So, you didn’t turn me down because of how I am?”
“What? No. ”
“Oh. I thought ... I thought I was annoying.”
“No. You were never the problem. It was me. Always me.”
The words hung heavy in the air, and I could only hope that she believed them.
“So it wasn’t my personality or my clothes or?—”
“It was never any of that. You don’t have to change a thing. For every person who doesn’t like you, another will love you exactly as you are.”
“And which side are you on?”
What a dangerous question. I knew I couldn’t answer it.
“Be yourself. Don’t stay around people who change you.”
Stella’s shoulders slumped. I knew that wasn’t the answer she wanted. It was the right one—it had to be, though it didn’t feel like it.
Getting trapped with her was one of the worst things because as time went on, the memory of why I was doing this kept fading.
“I don’t hate you,” I added. “I could never hate you.”
“You just can’t date me.”
“Could you date me ? After everything?”
She was going to say no—she had to.
If she didn’t, I didn’t know what I would do.
“It’s just a hypothetical. After my string of awful luck, it would be nice to know that someone wants me.”
Don’t say anything. For the love of God, keep your mouth shut.
“Someone does want you. I can promise you that.”
Her green eyes met mine again. Years could have passed in that moment, but it didn’t matter. The intensity of her gaze spoke volumes.
I want it to be you, I could have sworn she was saying.
It could have just been my feelings manifesting. It could have been that she was staring at me and not behind me. But I wanted her to say those words. I wanted to know that I could still mean something to her.
Even if I didn’t deserve it.
“Yeah, maybe.” Her eyes fell back down to the puzzle and she went silent. My shoulders slumped. It should have been a relief that she didn’t tell me she still wanted me.
It wasn’t.