13. Thirteen
THIRTEEN
We finished the puzzle by the time the day gave into night. My focus was purely on the pieces in front of me because I couldn’t look at Alden anymore.
He wasn’t a teenage crush. He was a forever crush, always in my periphery. Except now, he was right in front of me, and I literally couldn’t leave. I wished I were the type of woman to get hurt and never like a man again.
Instead, I was a glutton for pain.
As the night’s cold air seeped into the house, I found an extra sweater to layer on and huddled under the blanket that was thrown on the pullout couch. I was not built for this kind of never-ending cold.
“Already going to sleep?” Alden asked.
“Maybe I will once I finally feel warm again.”
The space between his eyebrows creased and he checked the fire. It was still burning bright, giving us blessed warmth.
“Get up here,” I said.
He slowly turned, an eyebrow raised. “You say that like you’re about to murder me.”
“I’m tired of needing you for warmth. And I’m tired of you being warm. It’s unfair.”
“You could just be tired of me .”
“Are you tired of me?”
He looked back at the fire. “You can tell me to fuck off, you know. There aren’t a lot of places to go, but I’d make it work.”
I didn’t miss his diversion. Maybe admitting it would make it harder for the both of us.
“You’d freeze anywhere else but here.”
“Seems like a small price to pay for everything I’ve done.”
What a line. With him saying things like that, it was no wonder my crush never went away.
“It’s fine,” I replied. “You don’t need to pay a price.”
“But you don’t need to be miserable.”
“We’re stuck in my grandmother’s house during the snowstorm of the century. It’s going to be miserable.”
“The situation can be, but not you. Or at least not you when I’m the one causing it.”
“But you have caused me misery.”
The room went silent for a long time.
“Yeah,” he said with a sigh. “I have.”
“Do you regret it? ”
“Every day, Stella.”
My heart skipped a beat. I couldn’t stop thinking of what if ?
What if he’d given us a shot?
What if he liked me?
What if it had worked out for once?
I turned away from him.
“Stella—”
“I’m going to sleep.”
“But—”
“We don’t have to talk about it. I’m fine.”
“You’re not fine.”
“What do you want me to say, Alden?” I snapped, turning to him. “This is the story of my life. I like a guy, and he either wants to change me or pushes me away. After a while, it wears you down.”
“Don’t you remember what I said? It was never you.”
“Yeah, sure. It wasn’t me, but it still ended the same way. With me alone.”
“You should have never been alone. You’re Stella Summers—the most beautiful woman on the planet . Your smile is fucking heavenly and the sound you make when you laugh is better than any song I’ve ever heard. And any man should have seen that from day one.”
My jaw dropped. I had to be floating in dreamland because there was no way he just said any of that to me.
“And you did?” My voice was barely above a whisper.
Color drained from his face. “I ... You’re my friend. Of course I did. ”
I crashed back down to Earth.
“Friend,” I repeated. “Right.”
The idea of staying friends when he’d just complimented me like that seemed impossible. But I had to live with what he offered me. Dreaming of more had never worked out for me.
“Stella, I?—”
“Don’t apologize,” I said. “I get it. Friends is what you want, and that’s what you’ll get.”
I wanted more. I always would. But I could live with this being enough.
“Are you still cold?” he asked as he lay down too.
“Yeah. I’m just sensitive to the cold.”
“You’ve always been cold-natured.”
“We could huddle for warmth again. That’s what friends would do, right?”
“If it’s dire, yes.”
It wasn’t. I probably could survive even if the tip of my nose was cold. “Is this a dire situation?”
“I’d say so.”
“Okay, then we can huddle.”
I scooted closer to him, and his body heat immediately sank into me. Fuck. He was like a heater.
“I hate that you’re so warm.”
“Yeah, yeah.” His arm came to rest around me and it felt like the most natural thing in the world. “Maybe once you get some rest, you’ll smile again.”
“Need some heaven?” I asked .
He huffed out a laugh. “I’m not living that one down, am I?”
“Nope. Never. And you didn’t answer my question.”
“Fine. I do. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you smile. And the more I do, the more I want to.”
The morning light filtered through the living room windows. I came to consciousness slowly, the unusual brightness nearly blinding. Snow still fell from the sky, though slower than the day before. I thought about Amma, stuck with her neighbor, and I hoped she was okay.
Alden was behind me, sound asleep. His arm was tight around me as if I would float away. His chest was warm against my back, and for once, I wasn’t freezing. I felt warm and safe.
Cuddling with him was better for my sleep than I wanted to admit. This was the first time in a long time that I felt truly rested. His touch banished any lingering cold, and I could easily get used to waking up like this every day.
I wished he felt the same way.
I was about to extract myself from his warm hold, but then all thoughts flew out of my mind when his hips rolled forward.
He was hard. So, so hard. And his erection was pressing right into my inner thighs .
Right where I wanted him.
I didn’t let myself think of my first time very much. While it had been amazing, the days after had hurt. But now I couldn’t help but flash back to it.
It had been so good. So much better than all of my exes.
After seven years of mediocre sex, the memory of Alden fucking me was welcome. Maybe I’d talked it up in my mind, but the way no man could compare had weighed on me over the years. Missionary and a bland orgasm nowhere near the ones from Alden weren’t enough.
But I didn’t need to think this way. We were friends. Just friends. The friction meant nothing.
“Damn it, Stella,” Alden said from behind. “You don’t know what you do to me.”
I blinked. What the hell? I thought he didn’t want me.
Just as I opened my mouth to ask, he rolled away and disappeared to the bathroom.
I stayed rooted to the spot, trying and failing to make sense of what had just happened.
He was right about one thing, I supposed; I didn’t know what I had done to him.
Friends wouldn’t say anything like that. Romance aside, he wanted me , or at the very least, my body.
Maybe he was in a dry spell, but I doubted it. Alden always had his choice of women. It was one of the things that drove me crazy when we were teens. I doubted it changed now .
I shook off my thoughts and went to the kitchen. The fridge wasn’t cool anymore, which meant most of the food inside had gone bad, but I found muffins to munch on while I figured out my next move.
I wanted to ask him about it, but I had no idea how. I was still working on it when he came out of the bathroom a few minutes later. His dark hair was wet, curling into his neck. His skin was prickled with gooseflesh.
“Did you take a shower in the cold?”
“I needed it,” was all he said.
I looked down at myself, knowing I probably needed one too.
“How awful was the cold water?” I asked.
“Not bad.” He wasn’t looking me in the eye, and I wondered if he’d had his fill of me. Maybe it was time for me to shower too.
“Guess it’s my turn,” I said, getting up.
“Stella, wait. Maybe you should?—”
“It’s fine. I need a minute to myself anyway.”
When I was alone in the bathroom, I gave myself one breath to think more about what had happened on the pullout couch. Then I put it out of my mind and turned on the water.
I nearly yelped when I felt the frigid water. Alden had to be lying. There was no way this shower wasn’t going to be terrible .
I considered skipping it, but one smell of my pits told me I absolutely couldn’t. It had to happen, and I had to be miserable .
And it was. The water pelted me with unrelenting cold. This was my worst nightmare, and my hands turned to ice within the first minute. I washed myself as fast as I could, thankful I’d left a bottle of my favorite body wash here when I stayed over a few weeks ago to get a break from Reed.
When I turned off the water, I was racked with full-body shivers and all I wanted to do was find whatever warmth I could. I dried off as fast as my stiff hands would let me, but clothes didn’t seem to help at all. My wet hair went into a towel, and I cursed everything from the weather to the shit luck that had gotten me here.
I even cursed the invention of the water heater. Maybe I would have been used to cold water if I’d never known the luxury of a hot shower.
The living room was warmer, but it wasn’t enough.
“Y-you said it wasn’t that bad,” I stuttered out. I sat in front of the fire, trying to move my hands.
“Are you okay?”
“Do I look okay?”
He was wearing an old flannel, one of Amma’s ex’s if I had to guess, but as much as I wanted to admire how it stretched over his muscular arms, I was too miserable to.
“Come here,” he said.
“You’re not gonna touch me after a betrayal like that.”
“It wasn’t that bad for me , but you’re cold-natured. It won’t happen again.”
It definitely wouldn’t because I was never showering in the cold again .
His offer was tempting. And not only because he was a living heater. I was growing far too used to the feeling of his body pressed against mine.
“F-fine.” I let him sit next to me on the couch. He pulled me to him and I sank into his warmth. I pressed my face into his chest, eager to be as close as possible.
I could hear his heartbeat. It galloped a mile a minute, and I wondered if it was because I was near.
Something wasn’t adding up, and as much as I wanted to enjoy being friends with him again, I needed to know why he acted the way he did and why his body told an opposite story.
“Feeling better?”
His voice was different when I was so close to him. It sent shock waves through my body.
“Yeah, a little.”
“Good. I need to go chop some wood.”
Alden was gone without another word. I replaced his warmth with a blanket, and I sighed in the empty living room.
“Alden Canes, what the fuck is going on?”
Boredom eventually weighed heavy on me and I found myself missing my phone. I didn’t realize how much I used it until I didn’t have it.
After I felt sufficiently warmed, I searched for the only technology that worked—Amma’s Polaroid. At first, I took a picture of the roaring flames inside the stove and the bed we’d made. Then I glanced outside at where Alden was chopping wood. It was in perfect view of the dining room window.
And that was a picture-worthy sight. Now that I was alive again, I could finally see how hot he looked. I snapped a few shots and waited for them to develop before shoving them into my bag. I would keep those for later.
But as I watched him again, I realized how therapeutic chopping the wood must be. It seemed way better than sitting inside like a loser.
I checked to be sure my hair was dry before bundling up in Alden’s jacket and some gloves. I walked outside into frigid air and took a moment to look around the land. Off in the distance, I could barely see the main road, and it looked as pristine as Amma’s driveway—it was obvious no one had driven on it, and I couldn’t blame them with all the hills.
It hit me just how lucky I was to have someone with me who knew how to survive. Alden was a blessing, and while it had been rough at first, I knew I couldn’t have done this without him.
“What are you doing out here?” he asked, brow furrowed at the sight of me.
“I want to join in on your therapy session.”
“My what?”
“Your wood chopping. Sure, it’s for survival, but it also looks like a great way to get anger out.”
“Are you angry?”
“I’m feeling emotions. Can I try my hand at it? ”
He handed over the axe. I swung it over my head, only for it to stick in the wood, getting me nowhere.
“Huh. Maybe I’m not good at this type of therapy.”
“Here,” he said, taking the axe from me. “Let me show you. You have to angle it for the weakest part of the wood and clench your abs when you swing.” He threw down the axe. “See how I did it?”
“You make it look easy.”
And hot.
“I had to practice. Try again.”
“No, I think one failure is enough.”
“I’d like to see your strength for once.”
“How do you know I’m strong?”
“You’re Stella Summers.” He said it like it was obvious, just like he had when he’d called me the most beautiful woman on the planet.
All of the compliments did more than I wanted to admit. Most of all, it empowered me.
I brought the axe up, but stopped when he walked over. “Hang on,” he said lowly, “your angle is off.”
“Show me again.”
He moved closer, his gloved hands coming over mine to adjust the axe. I gulped, not used to him casually being so close. “There.”
“Help me mimic the swing?” I asked.
I felt his breath on my cheeks as he sighed, but he moved to where he was behind me. “You swing it like this.”
His arms guided mine, and I swore I could feel his warmth through our jackets. I barely caught on to what he was showing me because I was too busy feeling him be close to me when we weren’t huddling to stay warm.
“Okay, I think I have it.” My words were soft. My body couldn’t take more of this torture—not when he wouldn’t be touching me at the end of it.
Alden stepped away. “Go for the middle of the wood.”
“Bold of you to assume I can aim.”
He laughed. “You can do anything.”
I bit my lip but brought down the axe. It split perfectly in half.
“I did it!” I said, throwing my hands in the air.
“Can you do it again?”
His subtle challenge made me bring the axe up again. As it came down, I thought of all the things that had pissed me off. Reed. My confusion about Alden. This damn snowstorm. All were hacked away with the bits of wood.
“You weren’t kidding,” he said. “You had stuff to work out.”
“Been a rough few days.” I handed the axe back to him. “Now I see how you survive out here. Chopping wood warms you up.”
“A little. It’s also nice to be outside.”
“And hey, if you love it too much and freeze, now I can survive without yo—whoa!” I fell on my ass in the snow as I walked over to him. There was a moment of mortifying silence before he burst into laughter.
“Oh, Stella. Never change. ”
“Don’t patronize me.”
“Hey, you laughed your ass off when I went sledding. We’re just even now.”
I raised my hand to flip him off. The cold was infecting me again. “I hate this.”
“Need some help getting up?”
“Just fucking carry me back,” I groaned. I was mostly kidding, but when he hauled me onto his back, I squeaked. “You don’t have to?—”
“It’s fine.”
“What if you fall too?”
“I won’t. I have something important to protect this time.”
I was shocked into silence.
He might not fall, but I sure as fuck was going to. But it was in a much more dangerous way.