15. Fifteen
FIFTEEN
Consciousness came back slowly. My body carried the memories of what Alden and I had done last night, and I felt satiated in a way I never had before.
For a second, I basked in the feeling of it. He was lying behind me, a thick arm slung over my waist. It was perfect.
But then the thoughts snuck in.
The last time we’d had sex didn’t end well. Would he change his mind again, or would I be enough this time?
As much as I liked to think I could banish all of my self-doubt into the pits of hell, I couldn’t. They stuck around, fed by every single person who’d hurt me.
Alden always held a piece of me, whether it be a childhood crush or this dangerous feeling that could turn all-encompassing at any time. I was careening toward a train wreck of my own making. And I couldn’t even tell Winnie what I was doing .
I missed the world, yet the quiet of the storm, with no one else talking in my ear and telling me who or what I should be, also led to all of my worries creeping in.
“Are you awake this time?” he asked me, pulling me out of my thoughts.
“Learned your lesson, huh?”
“Not spilling any more secrets.”
I let out a soft laugh and sat up. I winced when I realized how sticky I was. “God, I miss hot water heaters.”
“Do you?” he asked with a smile. “Have I ever told you how lucky you are that Amma has old shit?”
“No, why?”
“I lit the pilot last night on the water heater.”
“I have no idea what that means.”
“It means you have hot water. No electricity needed. Most models can’t be lit, but hers was visible, and it primarily runs off of gas, so it worked.”
For a second, I couldn’t comprehend what he was saying. I was laying here afraid that he’d take it all back. Instead, he was solving problems I didn’t know had solutions.
“You lit a gas machine on fire so I could have hot water? Isn’t that dangerous?”
“Not that dangerous, but it is if you don’t know what you’re doing.”
Still. I didn’t expect him to think twice about it. My cheeks erupted in heat, adding to the feelings that swirled within me for him .
Goddammit. I needed him to stop being so perfect . If he didn’t, then I’d want this forever.
“Best Christmas present ever,” I managed to say. “Thank you.”
“I’m not letting you get that cold again,” he said. His lips pressed against my cheek.
With him kissing me, I had all the warmth I needed.
“Yeah, I’ll definitely need a shower if we’re repeating last night. We are repeating it, right?”
“Of course. Not exactly like that, but we’ll do the act again.”
“What, you don’t like doing the same thing over and over?”
“With a woman like you? Absolutely not.”
My mind flashed to all the things we could do, including in the very place I was going.
“Want to join me?” I asked.
“In the shower?”
“No,” I said, rolling my eyes, “in the snow.”
“You’re hilarious.” He kissed my neck. “But can you continue to be while I distract you?”
“First, I need a shower,” I said. “That’s not negotiable.”
“Then I’ll join you.”
I got up, but then his hand smacked my ass and I yelped. “What the?—”
“Sorry, couldn’t resist. It’s too perfect.”
“I’m pretty sure my ass is not perfect.”
He raised an eyebrow, daring me to continue.
Now my face was on fire. “Okay, I’ll shut up. ”
“Good. No more putting yourself down. Talk about yourself as I see you.”
“And how do you see me?”
“As the perfection you are.”
I could only stare at him, trying to find a lie that wasn’t there. Eventually, it was too much, and I darted into the shower.
A few moments later, Alden followed. By that time, the water was steaming, creating an oasis of warmth inside the icy house.
I moaned when I stepped in.
“I think you’re the perfect one,” I said as the heated water cascaded down my back. “Just for this water alone. It’s truly spectacular.”
“It’s nothing compared to my view.”
Goddammit. Could I even handle the full wattage of his compliments? I didn’t think it was possible.
“You know, I owe you one for this shower.”
“Owe me one of what?”
“Get in here and find out.”
Alden didn’t waste any time as he stepped into the warm spray of the water. I took in his chest and body for one second before I sunk to my knees.
“What are you doing?”
“Giving you a gift.” I looked up at him, ignoring the water around me.
“I didn’t do this to get anything in return.”
“But you’ll enjoy this, right? ”
Alden’s hand cupped my cheek, stopping me as I moved to take him into my mouth.
“Stella, I need you to know that I did this because I wanted you to have something you enjoy. I’ll always do nice things for you, and you never have to repay that.”
His words were too soft and too kind. “I understand. Thank you.” But then I smiled. “I still want to suck your cock, though.”
“Jesus Christ,” he said. “Nothing stops you, huh?”
“Nope. Now shut the fuck up.”
Alden was already half hard, but he thickened in my mouth the second it closed around him. He muttered a soft curse as I sucked. His hands went through my hair, pulling me in closer. I let his hardness surge deep in my mouth before I pulled out and did it over again.
I worshiped his cock, running my tongue over every millimeter of it, enjoying each one of his moans.
“Stella, you’re killing me here.”
“What do you want?” My hand jerked him off while I spoke. “Do you want to come?”
“Yes.”
“Then fuck my mouth like you mean it.” My mouth went back to its work, and his hips jerked into me. I let him lose control, using my hand to grip him all the way to the hilt.
“Stella, you’re so fucking hot when you’re sucking me off.”
God, I was going to have to be in here for years to work out the tension between my legs .
His thrusts became erratic, and I tasted the salt as he came in my mouth. I took my time to savor every last drop and wiped my lip when I was done.
“Good?”
“Jesus Christ,” he said. “Get up here.”
Alden pulled me to my feet and captured my mouth with his. This kiss was hot and messy, and we were both soaked under the spray of the shower.
“I guess that’s a yes.”
“I’m going to make you forget how to be a smart-ass,” he muttered.
“Joke’s on you, I’m always a—” Words fell away when he brought me close and pressed two fingers into my core.
“Whatever you’re saying, Stella, save it for later.”
His thumb pressed against my clit and I gasped. It was his turn to torture me. His movements were slow and controlled, but they sent my already revved-up body into a higher gear. I could feel pleasure all throughout me as I built to something impossibly greater.
Alden’s fingers hooked, hitting my G-spot with enough force to make me see stars. I let out a moan, rutting against his hand to get the release I needed.
“F-fuck.” I finally came. Pleasure shot through every one of the cells in my body. I didn’t see stars; I saw the universe.
Alden’s mouth went to my neck as I came down from my high. “What were you going to say?”
“I don’t fucking remember,” I said. “Just kiss me. ”
His lips met mine, and I lost myself in him as we made out under the spray of the water. A few minutes later, my body was begging for more.
“I regret giving you that blowjob right now.”
“Why?”
“Because I’d love for you to fuck me.”
Alden huffed out a laugh. “Do you think so lowly of me?” He pressed his erection into my leg. “I’ll fuck you any time you want.”
“How the hell ?—”
“I’ve been saving this up for a long time, baby.” His voice was rough and close to my ear. “I can go as long as you want.”
“Yes,” I gasped out. I found the strength to turn. “Please.”
He wasted no time in lining himself up with me. Once he’d found his mark, he impaled me with one ruthless thrust.
I could only gasp at the invasion. The water was getting cold, but I didn’t care because this felt so right .
While he was buried to the hilt, I had one second to suck in a breath before he pounded into me again, sending me into the wall as he let loose.
“Oh god .”
“Touch yourself,” he said. “Come again.”
I didn’t need to be told twice. His movements burned in the perfect way—the one that made orgasms far easier. I was halfway there by the time my hand found my clit, and it didn’t take long for me to build up again .
My moans changed when I got close, and his hand snaked to my breast, pinching my nipple as his own thrusts grew erratic.
When he came in me, I did the same on him. I lost sight as I felt the eruption of perfect heat throughout my body. The universe danced behind my eyelids again, brought forth by the man who knew me better than anyone else.
“You’re too good at this,” I managed to say.
“Water’s cold,” he said as his lips pressed into my shoulder.
“I don’t care.”
“You will. Let me keep you warm.”
How could I say no to that?
We finished up quickly, and just as he turned off the water, the coolness seeped in.
After we dressed, we huddled in front of the fire. It was Christmas morning, and I should have been sad, but in the silence of the living room, with the fire going and the snow lying on the ground outside, it felt so cozy. Alden was stoking the fire, a flannel over his shoulders.
This was picturesque, and I knew I needed to remember this moment. I grabbed the Polaroid and held it up.
“Alden,” I called. He turned with a smile and I snapped the picture.
“What was that for?”
“It’s a good moment,” I said. “I like to remember those. ”
It printed, and I waited for it to develop. When it was done, I took a glance, only for my breath to be stolen.
I’d seen Alden at his worst and at what I thought was his best. At every given moment, he had a sadness simmering under the surface of every smile he gave, and I always wished it wasn’t there.
But this time, I only saw joy. His eyes crinkled when he was happy and the shadow of his beard did nothing to hide the full stretch of his lips into a grin.
I’d never seen this before.
My breath caught in my throat.
“Don’t tell me I was making a weird face,” he said.
“N-no. You look great.”
My heart was in a dangerous place, teetering on feelings that would break me if this ended the same way it had seven years ago.
I didn’t think I could come back from that kind of heartbreak.
“What’s wrong?” he asked. All traces of that perfect smile were gone from his face.
He was concerned , just like he had been when he saw how sad I was.
I sifted through my memories of us. He’d always been this way. He saw when I was sad and celebrated when I was happy. We had a real chance at working, and to this day, I didn’t know what went wrong and why he turned me down.
I always thought it was me, or that he just didn’t see me that way, but the last day proved to me that he felt something , even if he was in denial about it.
“Stella,” he urged. “What’s going through your head?”
How did I ask him what the hell was going on when he seemed hell-bent on not talking about it? How did I tell him I was falling for him with the risk of getting heartbroken again?
I had no idea what to do.
But I didn’t get a chance to answer.
The lights flashed, electricity running through the house for all of a second before it flickered out again. Both of us looked up, bewildered. It flickered on again and stayed.
“Power,” I said. “We finally have power.”
The words felt wrong as they left my mouth. While we had electricity again, I realized that I didn’t have any power at all.
Because I had no idea how this would end.