17. Seventeen
SEVENTEEN
Rule number one when running to a room to stew in feelings: bring your phone.
I failed rule number one.
Since the power was back on, I wanted to talk to Winnie. Her advice would more than likely be to send Alden and Nick down a cliff with no brakes, but hearing her voice would help.
But my phone was still powered off in the living room and all I had were my thoughts.
My mind oscillated from understanding why Alden did what he did to being furious that he didn’t choose me.
On the one hand, I knew that if I were in the same position with Winnie, I would have picked her.
On the other hand, Winnie never would have fucking asked me to choose in the first place.
My conflicting feelings, mixed with my own self- doubts, added to my terrible mood. What if I’d been different—would he have chosen me? What could I have done to make him want me?
Could I have been a different person?
That was the worst part of it all. My doubts were far worse now.
I wanted him to want me. All of me.
But he chose someone else.
I laid in Amma’s bed for who knows how long, going over everything I’d learned with a fine-tooth comb. I didn’t know what to feel, only that I wasn’t happy with how things turned out.
I didn’t realize that I’d fallen asleep until my eyes shot open and it was night outside. Hours had passed, and I didn’t feel any better about what had happened.
For a while, I sat in the darkness, wishing I could go back to sleep and forget it all for a little longer. But then, a knock at the door interrupted my train of thought.
“What?” I asked. “I don’t want to talk if that’s what you’re about to ask.”
“Okay,” he replied. “But I made you food.”
That got my attention. After stewing all day, I needed something in my stomach. My mind was on all the delicious things he could have made, but when I cracked the door, I only saw soup.
“Seriously?”
“Sorry, it’s all we have.”
“I’ll make it work,” I said as I grabbed the bowl and shut the door .
I heard him sigh on the other side of it.
“You can’t be mad that I want to be alone,” I told him.
“I’m not mad at you.”
“You’re not happy about something.”
“I’m mad that I made the choice I did, but not at you for reacting to it.”
I stared at the soup bowl for a second. “Thanks. Now let’s go back to not talking.”
“I’ll give you your space in a minute. I can’t let you sit in there any longer without you knowing one thing.”
“If it’s that you’re sorry, I’m not ready to hear that again.”
“No, it’s not that. Just listen for a second, Stella. Just for a second.”
“Fine.”
I heard him take a shaky breath. “I know you’re in there thinking that this is somehow your fault, and it’s not. It’s mine. I made the wrong choice, Stella. I know that now. Nick said things about me that I feared were true, and I let myself walk away from you and break your heart. But I never should have. I regretted it even then. I counted the days that we were apart, suffering through each one of them like a fucking idiot when you were right there.”
Tears gathered in my eyes. “Y-you counted the days?”
“All 2,561 of them. At first, I didn’t know why I was doing it, but then it continued. No woman could hold a candle to you. I love your laugh, your sarcasm, and your hardheadedness. And because of my stupid choice, you spent those years questioning everything about yourself. You’re not a problem, Stella. You’re the solution. You’re everything, and I fucked it up. I know it. I should have chosen you all of those years ago because now I know that it’ll always be you . And yeah, it may ruin things with Nick. And maybe I won’t even have you in the end because you could find someone else. But I’ll be here, always here. I’m yours. Forever yours.”
Footsteps walked away, leaving me with the sound of my pounding heart. I put the soup on the side table, completely uninterested in eating, and ran for the man who told me everything I needed to hear.
I’d never heard him sound like that, not to anyone. I didn’t think I was important to him.
But obviously, I was wrong.
“You can’t just say shit like that and walk away!” I snapped at the sight of his shoulders.
He turned. “You said you needed space.”
“But then you told me you counted the days we were apart. That changes everything.”
“Does it?” he asked slowly. “Because the way I see it?—”
“Nope, you’re done talking. It’s my turn now.” His eyes widened, but he didn’t say anything else. “Thank you. Now, first of all, fuck you for not choosing me. I’m great, and I deserve someone who sees it.”
“You do.” His voice was soft. “You deserve that and more.”
“And that leads me to my next point.” I sucked in a lungful of air before continuing. “Thank you for being the only one who actually saw it.”
He blinked, obviously not expecting my second point. “What?”
“You reminded me that I’m worth something again. You’ve treated me like no other partner in my life has.”
“Guys should have lined up for you, Stella. You should have never felt like you did.”
“And I won’t again. This time, if I go all in with someone, it’ll be with someone who’s promised to choose me. Someone who’ll treat me as I should be.”
“That’s exactly what you should do. I know I’ll never be him?—”
“That’s the thing, though,” I said. “You could be—if you tried.”
“I don’t think I deserve?—”
“Stop saying you don’t deserve it. You’re the man who ran in the snow to be sure I wasn’t alone through this. You kept a fire going, relit the pilot light on the water heater, and stayed with me through thick and thin during this snowstorm. You’re a good person, Alden. Fuck anyone who says anything differently.”
He blinked as if he’d never heard that before. “But I hurt you.”
“Yeah, and it was over two thousand days ago.” I poked his chest. “I think you’ve made up for it. So, let’s try it again this time. And not let anyone else tell us what to do.”
His hand covered mine. “Are you sure? ”
“Are you sure you can handle me?”
“Very sure. I’ve wanted to since that night at the Christmas party.”
With a smile, I pulled away from his grip and cupped his face before pulling him into a searing kiss.
Everything was right in the world.
I had Alden and I finally knew everything.
“Wait,” he said, pulling away far too soon. “We still need to talk about everything that happened.”
“We do. But I couldn’t let you walk away without you knowing I feel the same way.”
“You do?”
“I always have. I’ve had a crush on you since I was a kid. I thought I wasn’t good enough for you.”
“You’re more than good enough for me.”
“I finally believe it,” I said.
His eyes fell to my lips, and I thought he would kiss me again, but he pulled away.
“Where are you going?”
“To make you something. We’ll need a drink if we’re about to rehash everything we just opened up.”