Chapter 19
ELI
Nathan still hasn’t texted me by the time I get home. He left earlier than us, meaning he should have arrived back at his place before we did, so he should have texted me by now.
I’m lying in my childhood bed, hugging a pillow that still has the lingering scent of spice, and staring at my messages in hopes it’ll make a text from him come faster.
My pride isn’t letting me text him first, so I’m sulking instead. When he finally texts to say he made it back to the city and had to go straight to work, it’s to the family group chat.
I know it’s easier for him to notify us all at once, especially if he had to go straight into work, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be pissed he didn’t text me individually.
As if Nathan knows I’m stewing with anger, my phone pings with a text from him.
Nathan
I miss you
My anger washes away with just that one sentence. It’s the first message in our thread, because we’ve never had a need to contact each other before. I immediately heart the message and reply.
Eli
Me too
Do you have to stay at work long today?
No reply comes, no matter how long I stare at our empty message thread. It isn’t until late at night that I get another text from him.
Nathan
Just got home
Have to head back in early tomorrow
Night
I don’t need to see him to know he’s probably exhausted, having had to work a full day while running on barely any sleep.
I wish him a good night and angrily toss my phone to the end of the bed.
What did I expect? For us to be all lovey-dovey once we were back home? That everything will be perfect and magical because I’m in a relationship with my crush?
Whatever Nathan and I are doing can’t even be called a relationship. All this was just a little fun on a trip away, and now that we’re back, he can return to his old life with no consequences.
My theory is further proved when I don’t hear anything from Nathan over the next few days. I know I’ll mope if I stay at home, and I really hate the idea of waiting around just to hear from him.
I’m not some love-sick puppy. I refuse to be.
So I call up my friends to hang out. Conner and I visit his brother’s bakery, and we hang out there for most of the day.
I’ve only met Caleb a couple times before, and I know he’s a pretty sweet guy. Getting to know him better today showed me that he’s the complete opposite of Conner. He’s actually pretty shy and blushes easily, but his confidence really shows when he’s in the back, baking.
During a slow period, Caleb offers to teach me how to make my favorite white chocolate macadamia nut cookies. I wasn’t going to turn down that offer, so I wash up and follow him to the back.
Conner has no interest in baking, so he stays up front and plays on his laptop.
I hear he’s doing new research on microtechnology for the medical field.
I’m not surprised, honestly. The dude’s pretty much a genius.
Even though he’s a grade below me, he’s helped me with my math homework more than once.
The cookies aren’t hard to make. It’s more about getting the proportions and baking time right to get them to come out with the perfect amount of crunch and gooeyness.
It’s nice being able to work with my hands.
I can just focus on what’s in front of me, instead of sitting around and going crazy thinking about things I have no control over.
Like the fact that Nathan still hasn’t texted me back.
At this point, I’m on the verge of thinking I’ve been ghosted.
Getting ghosted by someone who’s your stepbrother must be on a whole other level of pathetic.
I take my frustrations out on the dough that’s in front of me, and it actually makes me feel better.
I’m supposed to be helping with Caleb’s sourdough prep while the cookies are cooling on the rack, but it feels like this is helping me more than anything.
Who knew baking could be such a great stress reliever?
And best of all, you had a delicious treat at the end.
I grab a quick dinner with Conner, then head home with my cookies. Ava and Gerald have to work late tonight, but Mom is home to try my baking. She gushes over them, and though I know she’s acting the proud mom, I still stand up a little taller.
We spend the rest of the night chatting about random things before she needs to head to bed. I won’t be sleeping anytime soon, and I’m preparing myself to spend the next few hours staring at my phone.
I hate that even when I tell myself I won’t care about Nathan, I still do. It’s always been this way, even when I hated him. I told myself to ignore him and forget his existence, but he always managed to wiggle into my thoughts.
My phone rings with a text, but it’s not from the person I really wanted it to be from. It’s Alex. The guy from the dating app that I’d been talking to. The guy I’d completely forgotten about.
He asks if I’m back from my trip and if I want to grab dinner tomorrow night.
Every part of me is saying to refuse this guy—especially when this thing with Nathan is so new and we haven’t even established what it even is—but also screw him.
If he were serious about me, he should have had the decency to shoot me a single text over the past few days instead of pulling this disappearing act.
My heart isn’t really into meeting Alex, but maybe going on a date will be good. I’ve never been on one before, so the experience will be beneficial if nothing else.
Plus, Alex is a nice guy, unlike some other jerk I know. We also share a lot of interests, so I know the conversation will flow well with him.
“Just go on the date, Eli,” I psych myself up and send the confirmation text. My stomach immediately rolls, but I ignore it and finalize the plans with Alex.
He chooses a diner that happens to be near Ava’s company. It’s also near Nathan’s apartment, but we’re not thinking about Nathan tonight, so what does it matter?
The only reason I even know where he lives is because the damn stupid tracking app lets you input your home address for your shared contacts.
I’m not saying I’ve been tracking his location for the past few days.
Of course not. Like every other time I’m on the app, I just so happen to see his location when I’m checking where Ava or Mom are.
That’s the only reason I’ve noticed that Nathan doesn’t get home until late at night, then leaves work before I even fall asleep.
I sigh and accept that I’m a big fat liar, and now I’m even using Alex to try to get over my feelings. I call Nathan a snake, but I’m the real snake here. And that’s the thought that keeps me up tonight.
It’s past noon when I wake the next day. My insomnia last night was worse than it usually is, and it probably has to do with my upcoming date.
I feel terrible about agreeing when my heart isn’t really in it, but I tell myself people probably do this all the time on dating apps. Not everyone meets up because they’re actually interested. I try to remind myself of that, but it doesn’t make me feel much better.
The others are already at work, so I’m by myself. Instead of driving myself mad at home, I decide to head into the city early and walk around. It takes about an hour to get there from our house in the suburbs, since there’s only one bus I can take.
I wander around the city for a while. I grew up in the area, but it still shocks me how much I love my city. It’s not a huge city like New York or Chicago, but it has enough going on to keep things interesting. Most importantly, the people here are genuinely nice.
Besides some jerks, like Nathan’s ex-friends, nobody cares about your preferences or sexuality.
Even on my short walk, I catch sight of more than a handful of same-sex couples holding hands or flirting over a smile.
Two men are even having a full-blown make-out session under the giant water fountain in the middle of the park.
Blushing, I look away to give them their privacy. Though I doubt they care about that when they’re giving everyone walking by a free show.
I wonder if I could ever be that brave with my future boyfriend? I imagine holding hands in public with the person I like. We’d stroll around like I’m doing now while taking stops to steal a few kisses.
Cold snow lands on my nose, shaking me from my daydream. The weather forecast said it’s going to be sunny all day, but I should have known better than to trust it.
Small flakes continue falling, and I know it’s time to get out of the park. I stuff my cold hands into my deep coat pocket and feel something. It’s Nathan’s green beanie. I must have forgotten to return it to him and stuffed it in there instead. I tug it over my curls and pull it down past my ears.
The problem with my daydream is that the only person I want to hold hands with is Nathan. He should be the person pulling me to little spots just out of view to sneak kisses. He should be the one putting his beanie on for me with that infuriating smirk of his…but he’s not here.
And am I going to let that stop me from that what I wanted? I’m called stubborn for a reason, and it’s because I don’t stop until I get what I want.
First things first, I text Alex to apologize and cancel the date. Then I open our location-sharing app. It doesn’t matter if he’s still at work. I’m going to track Nathan down.
I’m surprised to see Nathan at home. It’s a lot earlier than he usually gets off work—especially since he’s been getting home in the middle of the night these days—but this works out for the best. Now I won’t have to cause a scene at his job.
His place isn’t too far from my location, so I decide to walk there to gather my thoughts and figure out what I’m going to say to him when I see him.
I figure if I want him to take me seriously, I should act like the adult that I am.
I need to be calm when I ask him where the hell he’s been this week.
I’ll sit him down for a mature conversation about what the hell we’re doing, because I can’t take not knowing anymore. I can’t take this silence anymore.
I’m calm and collected by the time I reach his building. When I press the button for the elevator, my phone dings with a text. And who is it from? Goddamn Nathan.
He sends me a simple line, a repeat of the first one he ever sent me.
Nathan
I miss you
He misses me? He misses me yet can’t bother to send me a message until now? He misses me, but ghosted me the entire week?
So much for calm and collected.
I’m fuming as I enter the elevator and jab the button to his floor. My feet are bouncing so loudly, I’m getting strange looks from the other person who entered with me. They probably wish they’d waited for the next one.
The elevator reaches their floor, and they quickly escape without a glance back. I jab the button to close the elevator door and continue my leg bouncing as I watch the floor numbers slowly climb until we’re finally at Nathan’s floor.
I’m squeezing out of the doors before they fully open. I don’t even take a second to catch my breath, banging on Nathan’s door instead.
I bang louder and impatiently when he doesn’t answer immediately. I can hear him cursing when the door opens.
He’s shocked into silence when he first sees me, but that quickly turns into a huge smile. Even his joyous expression can’t hide his weariness. He looks more haggard than I’ve ever seen him, and it’s clear he hasn’t shaved in a few days, but I’m too angry to worry about him right now.
“Eli! I can’t believe you’re here. I just texted you and now here you—”
I don’t let him finish his sentence and interrupt with my own. It’s nowhere near calm or collected, but it’s what comes out anyway.
“How dare you?”