Chapter 19 River
RIVER
River opened his eyes just before dawn on the morning of Christmas Eve, surprised to wake before his alarm after he had tossed and turned all night.
Seeing Nora in tears last night over his words had his hands practically shaking with the need to hold her.
He’d been forced to walk away from her, or there was no doubt that he would have found himself at her feet, shamelessly begging for a decision that should be hers to make without any pressure from him or anyone else.
She obviously cared for him. Some deep-seated instinct told him that much, at least. But would she trust him with her happiness? And maybe more importantly, with the children’s happiness?
He dressed quickly, then headed downstairs and out onto the back porch. The wind outside was cold enough to cut right to his bones, but at least the snow had finally stopped, and he could already hear the rumble of a snowplow somewhere in the distance.
Today we face reality again.
He was grateful for the long walk through the beautiful snowy farm, and for the company of the big animals that provided a welcome distraction as he worked to care for them.
Despite the cold, Peter snorted with happiness as River led the two horses down the path to the pasture to spend the day. And Tinkerbell danced with impatience while River opened up the gate.
Once inside, the two animals took off through the snow, nosing and kicking at it playfully, looking as happy as the kids had been yesterday when they were out making their snow bears.
River stood by the gate and watched them for a long time, as the rising sun turned the sky a deep pink like the blush of Nora’s cheeks when he caught her looking at him.
Even out here, every thought goes back to her.
By the time he returned to the house, the street outside had been plowed. He grabbed a shovel from the garage and got to work on the drive, carving out a generous path for the truck.
I’ll be seeing Edward today, he thought to himself.
Somehow, he’d lost the desire to punch his brother in the nose for abandoning Nora. It was partly because he loved him and because they had grown up together.
But he realized now that it was also because he felt sorry for the man, for anyone who’d had the chance to love Nora and given it up.
Myself included.
He thought back to the young man he’d been all those years ago, how he’d convinced himself that once his time in the Army was up, he could find another woman who made him feel like the sweet girl at that fundraiser.
That foolish young man had actually thought to himself that Edward would be better for her anyway.
I know better now. I can see it all so clearly. But it’s up to her.
Once the driveway was clear, he put the shovel away and headed into the house, jogging up the stairs to shower and dress for the day.
His family was pretty casual, but he grabbed a brand-new green and red flannel that Edward had given him last Christmas and popped the tags off it. It was only a gesture, and his brother might not even remember the shirt. But maybe it would bring him good luck with whatever happened today.
By the time he got back downstairs, Nora was up with both kids, and they were all in the kitchen, where she was pulling something that smelled incredible out of the oven.
“I thought I would make cinnamon rolls to bring over,” she said with a shy smile. “I hope you don’t mind.”
“That was really nice of you,” he told her. “They’ll love it.”
Don’t try to interpret that sweet smile. Don’t let her see you’re dying for answers…
Once the kids had helped Nora to drizzle vanilla glaze on the sweet confections, River packed the truck with the gifts they were bringing to put under his family’s tree, and they all headed out.
On the ride over, the children happily pointed out the snowy sights out the windows. But Nora was quiet and withdrawn.
“Are you sure you’re okay with this?” River asked her quietly.
“I am,” she said, nodding. “We didn’t split on bad terms or anything. Our lives are just going in different directions. I still wish him well. I hope he feels the same.”
Me too, River thought to himself.
He mostly had faith in his brother. He just hoped it was well placed.
When they pulled up in front of the house, the kids were already wiggling in their seats to get out.
River’s parents had a beautiful manger scene in the front yard that included cows and sheep gathered around to watch over the child and his family.
“That’s a baby sheep,” John-John was squeaking.
“It’s called a lamb,” Pixie told him. “And it’s so cute.”
“Let’s go see it,” Nora told them with a smile as they scrambled out. “It’s set up so nicely for looking at. But remember, we’re not going to touch it, right?”
“Okay,” John-John said, a little sadly.
They were admiring the scene when the front door opened and River’s mom popped out on the porch.
“Hello, everyone,” she said brightly. “Happy Christmas Eve.”
“Happy Christmas Eve,” the kids chorused back.
“Thank you so much for having us,” Nora added.
“Well, come on in,” River’s mom said. “I’ve got bacon and eggs just off the stove.”
“We made cinnamon buns,” Pixie said with a radiant smile.
River watched his mother, his heart in his mouth.
But he’d had no need to worry. Her face melted into a genuine smile at the sweet little girl’s enthusiasm.
“Oh, cinnamon rolls are my husband’s favorite,” she told Pixie warmly.
“I like your baby sheep,” John-John said in a nice loud voice.
“Thank you,” she laughed. “Did you know they have real lambs at Cassidy Farm in the springtime? If you come back for a visit, maybe you’ll see them.”
Come back for a visit? That was promising.
“We were there,” Pixie exclaimed in delight. “That’s where River cut down a tree.”
“He did, huh?” his mom asked, gesturing for everyone to follow her.
The kids trailed her into the house, chattering about the farm, the tree, the decorations, and everything else under the sun.
River felt himself breathing a little easier.
“Ready?” he asked Nora, who was holding back a little.
“Yes,” she told him. “Definitely.”
River wasn’t so sure about that. But he was willing to follow her lead.
He grabbed the presents out of the back, but let her carry the cinnamon buns herself. The way she held them in front of her was almost like a fragrant, friendly shield.
Even her defenses are sweet…
“Hello,” she said softly as he followed her inside to find Edward standing by the living room fireplace.
River could hear the kids talking and laughing with his parents back in the kitchen along with the cheerful sound of the radio on the Christmas station, but none of that holiday cheer made its way into the room where they stood now.
And despite the crackling fire, the atmosphere inside seemed even colder than out in the snow-covered fields.
“Hi, Nora,” Edward said. “How are you?”
“We’re doing just fine,” she told him with a gentle smile. “How are you? How’s work?”
How’s work was exactly the right question for his brother.
River stood by Nora’s side as a cascade of news about business flowed from his brother’s mouth. Though River couldn’t make heads or tails of it, Edward visibly relaxed as he spoke, and when he relaxed, Nora did too. And just like that, her easy smile brought the warmth back into the room.
She knows how to handle all of us, River realized. That’s her gift.
The morning went easily from there. Mom called them all into the kitchen for breakfast, and they had a wonderful meal together, crowded around the old table. The sun was shining outside, glittering in the snow that covered the backyard and frosted the trees.
“We made bird feeders out of pinecones,” John-John told everyone. “And then the birds came and ate the seeds and the peanut butter.”
River’s dad caught his eye across the table and winked at him, as if to let him know how much he was enjoying this.
Even Edward had to smile at the little boy’s enthusiasm.
“I have a hummingbird feeder outside the window,” River’s mom said, pointing to the one by the sink. “In the springtime, I fill it up and the hummingbirds come to get a nice meal.”
That launched a whole conversation about birds, the weather, and so much more. The kids held their own, and Nora chimed in here and there.
It was nice to see so many people squeezed around the table. River wondered if his parents had longed for this all these years. Surely, they would have expected that he or Edward would have brought home grandkids by now.
After breakfast, his dad led the kids out to the living room to see the Christmas tree and try to guess which ornaments River and Edward made.
Edward and Nora followed, and River was moving to join them too when his mom wrapped her fingers around his elbow.
“Stick around,” she said softly.
There was an edge to Mom’s voice that sent a chill down his spine.
“What’s wrong?” he asked her.
But she waited a moment, as if to be sure the others were out of earshot.
“You know I love you, River,” she said after a moment, sighing. “You’re a good person, and I’m proud of that.”
He nodded, slowly, waiting for the but.
“You’ve always been impulsive,” she went on. “You follow your heart wherever it leads you. Normally that’s fine. You quit tennis lessons after a month, you quit soccer after a season.”
“I was just a kid,” River said, shaking his head. “Kids quit things.”
“Then you went off to college,” she said.
He winced, knowing what was coming next, and that there was no point arguing.
“And then you quit again, to join the service,” she went on. “And when you did, I thought maybe that was really your calling, that maybe you would stay in a while, and make a real career out of it.”
“Ma,” he began.
“But you left the minute your first contract was up,” she said.
“You quit before you could take advantage of all those benefits you could have had. And you spent every penny you’d saved on that rundown farm without a second thought.
And that’s your right, River. I don’t want you to sacrifice your happiness just to check off boxes. ”
She stopped for a moment, inhaling slowly, as if she were gathering her thoughts.
“But River,” she said, taking his hands. “River, you can’t act like that when it comes to family.”
Her words hit him like a plunge into the frozen lake.
“What are you trying to say?” he asked, his jaw tight.
“Were you even off the phone with me before you ran out there to get her?” she asked him. “You didn’t tell anyone you were bringing the three of them back here either, even though you knew Edward was going to be in town for the holidays.”
“So this is about how Edward feels,” he realized out loud. Like always.
He hated himself a little bit for speaking the words.
But he’d spent his whole life feeling like a background actor on The Edward Show.
His parents loved talking about how Edward was so well-behaved, so good at activities, such a hard worker at school.
He’d gotten into the best college and grad school, and now he had the best career.
And for a while, the best wife…
Well, River wasn’t going to spend the rest of his life making decisions based on his brother’s feelings. He could leave that to his parents.
“This isn’t about Edward, River,” Mom said, looking like she couldn’t believe he didn’t get it. “It’s about Nora. You’re making things more painful and awkward than they need to be for her.”
He blinked down at his mother in surprise, feeling the truth of that.
“And you’re biting off more than you can chew,” Mom went on. “That woman and those children are not just a hobby you can pick up and then quit on. River, please, just let her go, so she can find someone who can make a real commitment. She deserves that, and so do the kids.”
“You’re right,” he heard himself say.
The truth hit him hard. And in that moment of clarity, he knew there was only one thing he could do if he really cared about Nora, Pixie, and John-John.
Grabbing his keys from his pocket, he headed out the back, letting the screen door slam behind him.