20. Quinn
20
QUINN
Q uinn stood in the doorway of Beau and Zandy’s living room the next afternoon, drinking in the sight of the two of them frowning seriously at their pretty little Christmas tree.
She had just come in from outside. The coziness of the house, the scent of something nice cooking, and the sight of her two favorite people made her feel like she was wrapped in a warm hug.
Like I’m home…
“Should we put it up here?” Beau asked, pointing to a nice spot near the top.
“I want it where I can reach it,” Zandy said firmly.
“That’s a good idea,” Beau said. “What about this spot here?”
Zandy was apparently so pleased with the spot she didn’t bother to answer. Instead, she leaned forward to rustle in the branches with her ornament.
Quinn stepped further into the room to watch the little girl place the clear plastic ball dotted with paint on the tree and step back to look at it.
“That’s pretty,” Quinn said.
“You’re in it,” Zandy told her proudly. “I made it at school.”
“Wow,” Quinn said, stepping closer and crouching to look at the little ball.
Now that she was closer, she could see that it was dotted with white paint on the outside and filled with translucent glitter on the inside to make it look like a snow globe.
Inside was a photo of the three of them smiling outside in front of the theater after The Nutcracker ballet, snow flurries dancing around them.
She remembered the exact moment it had been taken, the cold swirl of the gently falling snow, Beau holding out his phone to take a selfie of the three of them, and Zandy’s arms wrapping around her neck to hug her hard.
The expression of happiness on her own face was exactly what she remembered. But looking at the photo and seeing how joyful Zandy and Beau were warmed her heart.
“You put your family inside,” Zandy said. “That’s my family.”
Beau put an arm around Quinn’s shoulders, as if knowing that Zandy’s sweet statement might hit her hard.
“Thank you for including me,” Quinn told the little one over the lump in her throat. “That’s so nice, Zandy.”
Zandy scampered over and wrapped her arms around Quinn’s waist, hugging her hard.
“I know you ladies have some dresses to try on,” Beau said. “I’m just going to run and check on lunch.”
“My dress?” Zandy asked excitedly, spotting the big bag Quinn was carrying.
“Yes,” Quinn told her. “My mom and I just finished it up. Do you want to see it?”
“Yes,” Zandy said, her eyes lighting up.
“Let’s go up to your room, okay?” Quinn asked her. “Then you can try it on and look in the mirror to see what you think.”
Zandy was scampering up the stairs before Quinn could say anything more. Beau chuckled on his way to the kitchen as she raced after the four-year-old.
Zandy’s room was beside her father’s. Quinn made a point of not even looking in the doorway of the larger bedroom, though she couldn’t help noticing the faint scent of pine and spice as she passed.
Zandy was stripping off her clothes by the time Quinn even stepped into the room, and Quinn had to smile when she saw the little one was wearing a superhero shorts and undershirt combo, just like the sets Quinn had worn as a little kid.
“Okay,” Quinn said. “Here we go.”
She lifted the dress out of the bag proudly. Somehow, she and her mom had managed to make something that was pretty but would also fit Zandy’s taste, and be fine for Beau to throw in the washer.
“Whoa,” Zandy said. “ Wow.”
Quinn could only smile as she watched the girl start to wiggle and hop up and down with delight like a shaken soda can.
“Here you go,” Quinn said. “Step in.”
A moment later, Zandy was standing in front of the mirror, her eyes wide and shining as she took in the sight before her.
Quinn couldn’t help but think of how she’d felt when she put on her wedding gown. The little girl had the same look of absolute wonder.
“ I’m a superhero ,” Zandy whispered to herself. “ Pow! ”
“And now for your cape,” Quinn said, lifting the sparkling robe from the bag.
The dress was beautiful—pale pink with a swirly skirt, and a bright pink sequined Flower Girl logo emblazoned across the bodice.
The cape was made of the same bright pink sequined fabric as the logo, and it pulled the whole look together while also making Zandy look even more like a superhero.
As soon as Quinn had tied it around her shoulders Zandy began darting around the room making impressive sound effects.
“ I saved your baby ,” she yelled to one of her stuffed toys, swooping another toy up off the bed, and then grabbing a plastic car from the floor. “ I saved your car. ”
“Great job, Flower Girl,” Quinn called out to her, happy to play along. “Thank you for helping our town.”
Zandy grinned at her, clearly beyond delighted.
The more time they spent together, the easier it was for Quinn to know exactly which picture books would excite Zandy, and which pretend games she loved the most. Playing with her was so much fun, and allowed Quinn to see the world in a different way.
“Can I wear it all day?” Zandy asked, stopping suddenly in front of Quinn.
“I think we should probably take it off until tomorrow, so we don’t get it dirty,” Quinn told her. “But after the wedding, you can wear it as much your dad thinks is okay.”
“Tomorrow is your wedding,” Zandy said suddenly. “Are you going to be my new mommy?”
Quinn’s breath caught in her throat for a moment, and she froze.
This was exactly the kind of question that she had feared when Beau first put forward the idea of getting married. He’d been convinced that Zandy was too little to read much into a wedding, but obviously he was wrong.
“I don’t want you to be my mommy,” Zandy said suddenly, stomping her little foot.
“That’s okay,” Quinn said, trying to think on her feet, but feeling completely lost. “I know you have a mommy already?—”
“ Mommies go away ,” Zandy yelled. “ Mommies go far, far away. ”
Quinn wanted to explain that she would be right here on the farm, but the truth was that she was planning to do exactly what Zandy was saying. Even if she never left town, Quinn wasn’t planning to be part of her family forever.
Suddenly, the weight of all the lies came crashing down on her, and it was too much for Quinn to bear.
This is wrong. This is so wrong. What was I thinking?
“Hey, guppy,” Beau’s voice said gently from the doorway before Quinn could think of a way to respond.
Zandy looked up at her dad, tears running down her cheeks.
“Come here,” he told her, his voice husky with emotion.
The little one ran to him, hugging him around his waist like she would never let go.
Quinn didn’t trust herself to speak, so she just slipped past them and headed back downstairs, fighting tears of her own, but feeling more clearheaded than she had in weeks.
She couldn’t do this.