36. Nerissa
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
Nerissa
T uomo is staring at me and my heart is cracking and breaking to small pieces. I feel as though I will never be ok again. I am falling apart right in front of his eyes. The pain in my chest is agony that I never thought I would ever have to experience.
Just when I allowed myself to love him. Just when I was excited for our future together - I can’t believe he has done this.
I want nothing more than to love this man. I want to give my heart and soul to him, but what I found out today has shocked me to my core. It isn’t ok. It isn’t normal to do this to someone.
I don’t know what to do.
He holds my hand in his and pushes the diamond ring onto my finger. I stare at it.
It’s gorgeous. I have seen nothing like it. The unique design tugs at my heart because it is obvious he has put a lot of thought into making this ring. He has been waiting for when he could slip it onto my finger as he has just done.
But I am sure that this is not how he imagined it happening.
“This is yours regardless of your choice. It was made for you. It belongs to you.”
The weight of it on my finger and it feels right. It was made for me.
It has never and will never belong to another person because it was always meant to be mine.
Was Tuomo always meant to be mine?
Was he so sure of our future together that he was confident when he took the steps, he took to force us together?
How am I supposed to feel about this?
“Nerissa, I will be on the beach on Saturday morning at ten o’clock. I want to marry you. I will arrange everything, and I will be waiting for you on the sand, right at the water’s edge. I will wait my entire life for you. Please, change your mind. Be there on Saturday. Let me love you.”
I don’t know what to say. Even if I had something to say my throat is closed so tightly over any words it would be impossible for them to be heard.
The hot tears spilling from my eyes.
Tuomo waits a moment longer, then he stands.
I am torn.
Torn between knowing I have to watch him walk away and running back into his arms and never letting him go.
I am so torn that I can’t move.
He sighs, then walks out of my apartment. I don’t look up, I don’t watch him leave because I can’t handle the pain in my heart.
What am I supposed to do?
Of all the people in all the world - why did I fall in love with him ? A man so dangerous that he is willing to play games with my life like this. He would manipulate my future so that I had no choice but to be with him.
But I do have a choice.
My heart and my mind are at war.
I am in anguish.
The turmoil is crashing through me like a tornado.
I curl up on my bed, pulling my knees up to my chest and I cry harder than I have ever cried in my life. When I lost my mother, I at least understood what was happening. Humans understand death. It is a pain that we can embrace because it is a natural part of life.
This is a pain I don’t understand.
It is an ache so deep and terrifying that I am afraid it will tear me apart.
I clutch my stomach, holding onto my baby, begging the universe to make things different.
Tuomo has shattered me.
I don’t move from my bed until darkness creeps into my room.
It’s been hours since Tuomo left and I’ve just been lying there, thinking, trying to figure out how this happened and what I am supposed to do about it.
I have one instinct that seems to take over.
The instinct to take care of my baby.
For the time being I can forget about how much I love that man, and I can focus on the very basic steps I need to take to keep my baby healthy.
One of those things is a healthy dinner.
Even though the thought of food horrifies me, I will make something, I will take my time, and I will eat it so that my baby can grow up healthy and strong.
In the kitchen I place the fresh carrots onto the cutting board and slice them into chunks. The beautiful diamond ring glitters each time I move my hand.
My eye is drawn to it.
My mind drifts back to every moment I have spent with Tuomo.
Each time he did something special for me, and each time I feared his intense love.
When he was, I leaned towards him, and when he was angry, I winced away. But the one thing that never wavered, despite the changes in him - was his love for me.
His anger was only ever a reflection of his fear of losing me.
His gentleness was the moments when he thought he had me.
Through everything that has happened - he has always loved me.
But it terrifies me he will do horrific things with the love he has for me. What else is he capable of?
I believe him though.
When he tells me, he will wait forever.
Because he has already waited years for me. I understand that now. Seven years, every day, he has been waiting for me.
I don’t know what to do.
This decision that I have to make is going to affect my future in every way - and the future of my baby.
On Thursday morning a package arrives at my apartment.
It’s a massive white box with a silver ribbon around it.
I carry it up to my room, placing it on the bed I stare at it for ages before I find the courage to open it. Because I know it’s from him, and I don’t want to be thrown back into that turmoil of needing to make a choice.
I’m a little nervous to know what he is giving me.
I tug at the silver ribbon, and it un-threads, slipping away from the box. An envelope falls loose, drifting off my bed and onto the floor.
I bend down and scoop it up. Sitting back on the bed with my legs crossed I pry the envelope open and unfold the crisp thick paper inside.
It is a letter from Tuomo, handwritten. I recognize his messy boy-handwriting, and it makes me smile. My heart clenches tight in my chest.
Little bird,
Please forgive me. I know what I did was unfair. It was wrong. I know it in the very fiber of my being, yet I can’t say that I regret it because it has tied to me to you forever.
Please, come to the beach. Marry me. Let me spend the rest of my life showing you I am not the person I seem to be. I love you. I will show you that every single day in every way possible.
Forgive me, little bird.
Yours for eternity.
Tuomo
X
I blink back the salty burn of tears and clear my throat to sooth away the lump forming there.
Then I pull the lid of the box open and gasp.
Tissue paper falls away and reveals a wedding dress.
I lift it from the box and stand next to my bed, holding it out in front of me to take in the fine details and soft lace.
It is magnificent. Fit for a princess.
Standing in front of my closet mirror I hold it up against my body.
It’s perfect.
I just wish everything else was perfect too.
Then this dress wouldn’t be so heart breaking.
I hang the dress up on the side of my cupboard, but I find it too difficult to look at, so I carry it into the bathroom and hang it up on the back of the bathroom door. Even though it is out of sight I still can’t stop thinking about it though.
It’s like a flashing red light, demanding my attention, a silent alarm blaring in my mind.
What am I going to do?