37. Tuomo
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
Tuomo
T he courier leaves my penthouse with the wedding dress wrapped in a thick silver ribbon.
It is no longer up to me to force her decision. I’ve done things that are unforgivable. I’ve taken a choice from her, purposefully putting her in a position that she never had a chance to think about or decide on.
What I did to her was evil.
I know that now.
I saw the look in her eyes, and it breaks me every single time I think it.
Closing the door behind the courier I walk back into my penthouse and sit down on the sofa, picking up the glass of whiskey I’ve poured for myself I take a sip. Then remember that I told Nerissa neither of us would drink during her pregnancy. It seems fair. Why should she have to give things up alone?
I put the drink back down again. My heart is heavy, and I want to numb the pain, but I can’t. This is something that needs to be faced, accepted and acknowledged in its fullest. Because I am the one who did this. I am the one who created this situation hurting both of us.
It’s Thursday. Two days until the wedding and two days until I find out if she will forgive me or not. I tried to keep the letter I wrote her short, but honest. Not wanting to drag out my side of things, but needing her to understand how deeply sorry I am.
Nerissa must be wanting to feel numb too. She must be struggling, alone, tired, emotional and drained from the pregnancy and the horror that I put her through.
She doesn’t even know I stopped her from getting a job. I’ve already retracted all the requests I made at all the attorneys. Should she want to apply there again they would accept her in a heartbeat? I imagine that a few of them will send her an email offering her a job. I was told she is the top candidate in many of the law firms.
I don’t want her to need to work - but if she wants to work - then I won’t take that choice away from her. I’m done taking her choices away.
Picking up my phone I check my messages from my brothers.
They have all received an invitation to the wedding. My father received one too, but he won’t be there - and I’m happier with it that way. But it would mean the world to me if my brothers attended.
Dalila is going to be there. She’s been helping me plan everything.
Honestly, I’ve never seen her this excited for me. Her happiness and high spirits have been keeping me going these past few days. She seems convinced that Nerissa will be there.
I, on the other hand, am not. But I am hopeful.
Masaccio has confirmed. He will be attending the wedding with his wife, Leora.
A message from Celso comes through while I’m reading Masaccio’s message.
Masaccio: I will be there. I am happy that you found a resolution that no longer upsets the balance of our family. I wish you the best and I’m looking forward to celebrating the moment with you. Don’t worry. She will show up.
He’s always so serious. Not even an emoji, or anything that shows how he feels. It’s a massive turnaround from the last time he spoke to Nerissa, threatening her to stay away from my family and forget about me. I need to leave all of that in the past and not hold it against him - in the same way that I hope Nerissa can forgive what I have done to her.
Celso’s message is enthusiastic, and it brings a smile to my face because his support is letting me know that my family cares for me.
Celso: Hells yes. I wouldn’t miss it for the world. It’ll be a tense moment, but it will end well when she walks onto the beach to marry you. I will be there for you brother, no matter which way it goes. I have tequila just in case.
Celso really proved himself to me when he helped me out of that holding cell. I have a newfound respect for him. He took a massive risk doing that. I will never forget it.
This journey I’ve taken with Nerissa has changed not only my relationship with her but also with my family.
My father, while still a raging asshole, has respect for me.
Masaccio and Rufino, I now understand why they handle father the way they do. I always thought they were sucking up - but - like me, they were just trying to survive his relentless attempts to control every aspect of their lives.
Dalila has always been there for me, and now is no different.
The most important thing I understand - is love.
Love cannot be forced. It cannot be bought. It cannot be faked or demanded or manipulated from someone. Love is raw. It’s about sacrifice and giving - not taking. You cannot take love.
Love is accepting that no matter what you feel for someone - it is their choice, and their choice alone whether they will allow you to love them up close.
If Nerissa chooses not to be with me - then I will be forced to love her from a distance for all eternity.
And that teaches me something else.
That love is the most painful emotion of all.
I pick up my whisky and carry it to the kitchen sink. Pouring it into the drain I watch the gold liquid splash out of sight while the ice blocks spin and dance against the basin.
“Please, forgive me.” I whisper to the air.
The heaviness in my heart is terrifying. Knowing that it will only get worse if she doesn’t come on Saturday is even worse. How will I survive without her? I don’t see a way forward without her by my side. My entire life is designed around being allowed to love her.
I turn away from the sink and head to the bathroom. It’s late.
Tomorrow, Dalila and I are going to okay the last few aspects of the alter design and choose the flowers for the arch way that will stand on the beach. I need to be up early. I am exhausted, emotionally drained and tormented and overwhelmed.
A hot shower will ease my shoulders from the tension locked inside them and help me fall asleep easier.
I think of her every waking moment, so it is no surprise I dream of her every night. As soon as I close my eyes images of her gorgeous smile, her soft, caring eyes, those beautiful lips, and the way her hair flow like a river over her shoulders - she fills my mind and refuses to let me go.
I know she loves me. That is not in question. I just don’t know if she loves me enough to forgive what I’ve done.
Saturday morning, nine forty-seven.
I am ready. I’ve always been ready - but right now I am standing at the altar, with my bare feet in the warm white sand. I am waiting for her. The black suit I’m wearing is crisp and well fitted. An archway curving over the alter is dripping with white roses and arum lilies. The ocean is turquoise and calm, and there isn’t even a breath of wind. It’s a perfect day.
Everything is perfect. The only thing missing is her.
Every time I glance at my watch it’s only been one minute since the last time I looked, even though I’m sure it’s been an hour..
Masaccio, and then rest of my family are here, sitting on chairs lined up on either side of a white carpet.
A haunting silence fills the space, leaving us speechless. There is nothing else to be said. All we can do is wait, and the waiting is killing me.
I look at my watch again and curse myself.
It’s been thirty seconds since I last looked.
Taking a deep breath, I cast my eyes towards the ocean, because all I’ve been doing is staring from the fucking watch to the edge of the beach where she would arrive.
I’m going crazy. I will be nothing without her.
All I want is my little family. My perfect wife, my little baby, and all the love in the world. I want to create a home like I never had. A place filled with warmth and love and compassion.
It’s all up to Nerissa.
My future is in her hands.
I can only hope that our love is stronger than the evil things I’ve done to her. I can only hope that she senses my love and finds it in her heart to forgive me.